Revisiting

I've been trying to get a grasp on the fear that I have about Friday. I have a growth scan to check Bean's size and her home and make sure all is it should be. Although I'm measuring 3 weeks ahead still, I'm not too worried. Enough people have shared their large baby birth stories to ease my mind, should she look to be going that route..

But it's the place where the ultrasound takes place I'm struggling with. All my ultrasounds to date have taken place in hospitals or my OB's office.

This scan is going to be at the same place where all my ultrasounds from the last pregnancy took place. All of them were awful heartbreaking experiences. The first was the one where there was no heartbeat and the measurements were two weeks behind. The second showed no change.

Maybe I'm so emotional about this because I'm coming ever closer to the date where we induced the miscarriage. Where I spent my 25th birthday in the hospital from massive hemorraging. September 4th is a hard day for me this year.

I have no rational reason to think that this scan will be anything but routine and normal. But this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. Too smoothly, the deepest parts of my mind say. I in no way want something to be wrong but I can't help the fear. I've had my heart ripped out, broken apart and pieced back together too much to not have the fear. I wish I could escape it completely, but I know until she's safely in my arms, I just can't. And then there's a whole new host of fears as a new parent. Those I know I can deal with. This is unexplicably different.

So I'm holding my breath up to and during the scan. As my insides feel like they are being rearranged, I hold ever so tightly to her, to the dream, the future.

One Step at a Time

Well I survived. It's Wednesday and I'm still exhausted. The craziness doesn't necessarily end now that this event is over (I start working on another one soon enough), but at least it's not keeping me up at night or giving me panic attacks.

I'm counting down the days (4 work days) till I'm on vacation. We're not going to far, just for a long weekend (4 days) to visit some family. But then I get 6 days at home to do whatever the h*ll I want to. There are some friends I want to catch up with, a disaster of an apartment to clean and tidy (and make room for a certain little one), oh, and did I mention some serious beach bumming? Yes, I plan to relax with some good books and carefully (with high spf) catch some rays.

When I come go back to work, depending on Bean, I'll have only 8-10 weeks till I go on mat leave. I'm hoping to make it to Oct.1 but I also recognize that it may be Sept.15. We'll see how things go.

But 8-10 weeks isn't much time to get my sh*t together, finish projects and get things ready for my replacement. It's a little scary how fast time is going by.

On top of, oh you know, getting ready to bring a child into this world, dh and I are trying to prepare ourselves for the other huge changes that could/will come our way in a mere 6 months. Dh is writing his PhD thesis. When he's done, so is his experiment. Then he'll have to look for a post-doctoral job. Yep, no potential stress there...

One step at a time of course, but there are so many changes that will come our way. We're just trying to take it a month at a time, but I'm a planner. I need to look ahead and prepare myself for many different possibilities.

It's just overwhelming when you put everything into perspective.

On a happy note, we're going for our 3D u/s tomorrow. I'll be 24 weeks (6 months!!!), so you know what that means... belly pic time. And show and tell...

A Swift Nudge

Everyone keeps telling me to breathe. I think I might hyperventilate. Oh, yeah, I guess they meant deep breathing.

I'm trying but it's hard. The sheer volume of work I'm trying to cope with is unreal. And hormones are NOT helping! I've never been a weepy person but the teary breakdowns in my office shock me.

I am so stressed that I'm worried about my fibro flaring. My arms ache from all the typing I've been doing. That's not unusual though, I'm used to typing document after document with no problems. Hence the fibro flare-up fear. Say that three times fast! ;)

The only thing that got me through today was this awe-inspiring creature stirring inside me (and tickling me into giggles).

And then I felt it.

Flick! A little foot (I'm guessing) connecting. The first felt kick. Almost if Bean was saying, "Hey Mom, remember me? Take it easy!"

All I want to do is protect this life growing in me. But to do so, I have to protect myself.

Can I go on mat leave now?

The Same Old Song

On the eve of my 4 month, 16 week milestone, I think I've come to realize how much miscarriage screws you up mentally.

With the last pregnancy, soon after we found out we were pregnant, I did up a budget for the rest of the pregnancy and my mat leave, so we could see where we were at and make sure we could set aside some money. R is a grad student who doesn't make a lot of $ and I do alright, but when I lose 45% of my income, we have to really make sure we've got all our ducks in a row.

Suffice to say, that when we got pg this time, we hadn't planed anything. Frankly, even up to my 14 wk appt, I was still shocked to find out the baby was still alive! Now, all of a sudden it's hitting me and we're starting to freak out that we're not ready. I know it's normal, but I think having gone through 2 m/cs has really affected how we process everything. I've felt Bean move but I still can't quite connect that motion to the reality of a live baby. It concerns me a little. I want to feel attached, and most of time I do, but the "dead baby thoughts" are always sitting in the farthest reaches of my mind waiting for a bad day to come out and make me worry. For three days I had felt nothing. No tickles. Nothing to reassure me that Bean was still okay. I have to admit to having mild moments of panic.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy this! Sure enough, this morning Bean reminded me that everything was okay. Several times. In fact, very active. Actually, as I typed that last sentence, Bean said hi again.

I don't think pregnancy will ever be "normal" for me. But I guess I can take solace in this tiny creature's presence who already has turned my world upside down. Where before I had sung sad ballads to break a heart, a new tune is being composed, moment by moment.

(cue hormonal tears)

Drifting

I had two posts I started and planned to publish last week. I obviously never did. I suppose the simple reason is that I've been too tired. Work has been so crazy I had mild breakdown over it last week. Everyone keeps telling me to make sure I don't get stressed and to take care of myself. But there's not a whole lot of people stopping what they're doing to help me with the three jobs-in-one that I do. It'll get better in the next weeks but for now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Spending most of my time in front of a computer means that I have very little interest in spending my evenings in front of one.

But despite that, I'm doing okay. The nausea which appeared to be letting up a little has decided that it will return even more gung-ho than before! In fact, I threw up today at work. I thought I was long past that, but what the hell do I know. I do have to say that it does make me a little happy because I know Bean is doing alright then. Not having a way to gage things since my last ultrasound, it's hard not to get worried from time to time. That being said, I'd really prefer not to be sick my entire pregnancy.

This last week was also interesting in that now most people at work know. I even told a few people about our losses. Usually it's in response to the "you must be so excited" comments. Of course I'm excited but...

How do you explain to people that your heart is cautious. That although you feel this incredible joy, you secretly are still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I sometimes wonder if pregnancy will ever be the full experience that people talk about. Maybe, one day. I keep thinking that I just need to make the next milestone and then all will be well. But there are so many milestones that you could constantly be on hold waiting to be happy. Don't get me wrong I am VERY happy. Some days, I just can't wipe the smirk off my face. Those days of course are the ones where my stomach actually likes food.

I have a feeling that feeling Bean move for the first time will help this feel more real- like it'll actually happen.

Or maybe tomorrow. We have our next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. We're hoping to hear Bean's heart beat! And maybe if we're lucky, we'll get another ultrasound and maybe a picture?

Old Fears

I'm feeling slightly panicky. I should stop reading the forum I'm on for awhile. It's making me freak out.

It's all statistics. 20-25% of the ladies in my Birth Club will experience a miscarriage. I know and can accept it. It's just that a missed miscarriage is my greatest fear. I hear about women who had a heartbeat one week and then the baby dies. There have been several women in the last few days who have had miscarriages. Many around the same place I am right now.

I'm so scared for Bean. I just want to continue being happy. I'm almost in tears right now (damn hormones)!

In my heart I know Bean is fine.

I just don't know how to turn off my mind.

I just need to make it to Tuesday. We have our first prenatal appointment with my OB. Hopefully she can do a quick ultrasound to check on Bean. I may have to get hormonal and demanding if she says no. :) But she's pretty great so hopefully she can ease my fears.

T-3 Days

I keep waiting for the panic to settle in. 3 days out and I'm amazed at how truly awful I feel. I would love nothing more than to sleep through the next few weeks until this nausea goes away. However, I have noticed that things are still progessing. A tiny new symptom here or one I had before that's increasing. It calms and reassures me.

I can't wait to see Bean! I just want the opportunity to move forward in happiness for once.

No panic, just calm. Maybe even a smile?

Commenting Woes

I feel stuck. I love ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week). It's a great time to get to know other bloggers and share stories, ideas and comfort where needed. In a small way, it's been ruined for me; my heart isn't in it anymore.

It started with an edition of Barren Advice at Mel's where someone was expressing their difficulties visiting their regular blog haunts after finding out that the person is now pregnant. Mel's sensitive answer addressed all angles of the question and was lovely. It was something someone said in the comments that has left me lost. Someone basically said that receiving comments from those who were pregnant, even after infertility or loss, could be really difficult. That even if we were meaning well, the comments could still be hurtful.

I can understand requiring some extra sensitivity but I walked away from the discussion (even after posting my own feelings on it and then reading their subsequent comments) feeling a little sad, even hurt.

I'm sure that part of my reaction is hormonal but there's a part of me that just doesn't understand how my comments are less worthwhile just because I'm pregnant. Hell, this pregnancy hasn't even been deemed "viable" yet! I don't feel like I've joined the ranks of some special pregnant club where everyone is happy and blissful. In fact so many my bloggy-friends who are pregnant I can assure you don't feel like this either. We're terrified constantly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that I am just as capable of sensitive, compassionate and appropriate remarks now that a life is (hopefully) growing in me, as I was when twice before, life was pouring out of me.

But I'm not perfect. If I accidentally crossed a line at some point, I would hope that someone would (kindly) let me know. I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not going to tell someone how sorry I am that they are going through a rough time while rubbing my belly. I'm not a complete idiot! But I'm not perfect either. Neither is anybody else.

So why is my voice less valid now? Am I making too big a deal about this? Maybe. But I can't let it go. I want to participate in ICLW, but every time I hover my cursor over a blog who's description doesn't show pregnancy, I stop myself.

I don't know what to do.

Edited to add: So if I'm not commenting on your blog much and I normally do, maybe I'm afraid I'll say something wrong. Most of the regulars I read are great supporters for me during this difficult time but there are those I follow that I don't always get to comment on. I'm second-guessing my commenting all over the place these days, so please don't take it personally.

6 Weeks, 4 Days

I'm at the same point in this pregnancy where Kenneth stopped growing. That really scares me. But I feel still pregnant. More so than last time... I think. It could just be wishful thinking.

9 days. I can do this. I know I can. I know we can. Bean and I... we're going to be okay. At least that's the mantra I keep repeating to myself.

Dreaming

"Hello... Hello!"

"Say goodnight to Bean."

"Goodnight Bean."

They curl in togther, his arm handwrapped around her. His hand rubs a queasy tummy in slow circular motions.

She sighs as she realizes how easily their hearts could be broken.

Tiny Milestones: I'm Five Weeks

Your Baby Week 6 "Your baby is now about the size of an apple seed. That's about 0.08 to 0.16 inches (2 to 4mm) from crown to rump. It has formed a distinct head with the first stages of eyes and ears. The spinal column and cord are formed. Buds that will grow limbs have also formed. The heart is starting to beat and at this stage its beating may even be detected by sensitive ultrasound equipment, though, it's still very early. The kidneys, liver and nerve cells have also begun to develop. Ten dental buds are growing in the jaws. Blood circulation has begun and primitive red blood cells circulate. The neural tube has closed over along your baby's spine. The optic vesicles, which resemble tiny discs of pigment set in cups along the sides of your baby's head will develop into your baby's eyes. A distinct tail is still present. The body is shaped like the letter 'C'." All this will be happening (knock on wood) inside me this week. Astonishing to think! I read through these details last time but it seems new all over again. Nutritionally, I'm supposed to be getting lots of calcium-rish foods since so many structural formations are occuring. Yay for milk and yogurt! I'm feeling a bit better today. trying to not be concerned because the nausea is still there, just less. Not that I want to be puking over a toilet (my little secret would get out fast in an office of almost 40 people where 75% are women), but it would be nice for it to be stronger. Although I am enjoying eating today because I'm starving! Apparently, nausea can really kick in by week 6 or 7, so I guess I'll just have to be patient and enjoy food while I can. Speaking of patient, my Dr's office called yesterday afternoon. Ultrasound is booked for March 5th. Three weeks from today; I'll be 8 weeks. There's so much to see by then. Our Little One will actually be starting to look like a baby. Three weeks seems so far away. I try not to think of all the things that could go wrong in that time but it's hard not to. Especially when I'm not sick to my stomach at the moment. I know that will pass, and a day or a week or so from now I'll be cursing myself for wanting a better sign. 3 weeks...21 days. I'm going to have to find ways to keep busy. If I had any energy after I get home from work, it would be fine, but I don't. Better get creative. Meanwhile, I get to visit my mom this weekend. I'm glad she knows. She told my Dad and he's really excited. I think we're all feeling good about this one. I just don't want to let anyone down. I want this dream to come true for all of us.

The Episode in Which She Momentarily Has a Panic Attack

The evening routine: brush my teeth, go pee, put in "those damn pills", crawl into bed quickly. Simple, routine.

Last night started out no different. I brushed my teeth, went pee, wiped...

I swear my heart stopped beating.

There on the tissue (I'm paranoid enough these days to always check) was pale red translucent blood.

Another wipe; more or less the same. One more; significantly paler, almost not there. Okay, I told myself, it's just some spotting.

I finished my routine and hopped into bed, telling R about the spotting. He looked concerned for a moment but then was fine when I told him that spotting was pretty normal during pregnancy. A lot of women have it.

I crawled into bed and settled in to read. I read my book for about 30mins and then turned off the light.

My chest started heaving, my breath caught in my throat. I was almost sobbing but I couldn't make any noise. R wrapped me up in his arms telling me everything would be fine. I calmed down and then tried to go to sleep.

But I couldn't. The fear gripped me so tightly, almost choking me. I kept thinking Please, please let this be okay for awhile longer! I just want to be happy for little bit longer. Please!! Why can't my body just be NORMAL? I decided I had to check again. Feigning the need to pee again, I got up and checked.

One wipe. Nothing. Another wipe. Nothing. My body, mind and heart all relaxed. Everything is fine.

This morning, all is as it should be. It was just a little spotting last night. Perfectly normal.

This morning a thought came to me. It was something my friend AW told me: I am the exception to every rule. Looks like everything is as it should be.

The Truth Unfolds and I'm Scared

I'm sobbing. I mean huge fat tears such that I can barely see what I'm typing.

I know it's harder to see but it's there and it came up almost intstantly. Thanks DB for encouraging me to try another test. Gotta love 1st Repsonse.

I'm laughing too. I'm sobbing and laughing and I can't stop.

I'm terrified to try this again.

Please little one, don't break my heart this time.

NOTE: If I know you IRL (in real life), I'm begging you to help me keep this a secret until I know things are going to be okay. Thank you.

Operation "Is It A Line?" Has Commenced

I am an idiot. An idiot who is going to go completely nuts!

On a whim, I took a hpt this morning. I'm 10dpo, so wasn't expecting anything. After a minute there was nothing. I know, I should have left it longer, but I wasn't expecting anything, so if there was something, I figured it'd pop up right away.

So I had my shower.

Afterwards, I peeked. I shouldn't have. There is the faintest line there. Probably an evaporation line. EXCEPT... in all the tests I've ever done that were negative, I've never had an evap line. EVER!

Okay, permission to officially go nuts?

Tomorrow morning I'm bringing out the big guns. No dollar store tests, it's time for a good one.

Help! I think I may lose it between now and then!

Echoes of Hope

It's so damn fleeting... that moment of possibility, the moment where you can almost believe. But then all the negative and pessimistic thoughts flow over and it's gone. My head and heart seem to be in tandem but they keep changing their minds. I try to think back to the other two times I've been in this place of possibility. What was I feeling, and how soon? How bad was the nausea? How long did it take to go from "ugghh, I feel a little crappy" to "omg, don't even bring that peanut butter anywhere near me!"? I don't remember. I have nausea and other symptoms noted on my chart from the second pregnancy but I can't qualify them in my memory. And then there's the old mantra "every pregnancy is different". So how do I judge any of this? The way I feel right now, well, my instincts tell me that this isn't like last cycle, this isn't "those damn pills" working their devious magic. But I could be wrong, right? What do I make of the twinges in my abdomen? Just some pre-af cramping (that I don't normally get)? Or is it something, someone, very special making a little home for themselves? I can't tell. Can I even bring myself to be that hopeful? All of this is fear. Plain and simple. Fear that we might be successful; again. Fear that things will be lend up like before. I know that I'm meant to be a mother. Why is this so damn difficult?!? How can I possibly sit here on the edge and not be optimistic like I usually am? Why the sudden change? Or is it not so sudden and I've just convinced myself that the wise optimist had returned? Why did she disappear all those months ago? Did she actually return? A part of me truly wants to believe so, but then again, doubt seeps in and I feel gripped by helplessness. Has optimism abandoned me? Has my faithful friend gotten too tired to deal with my dramatic antics and finally taken her leave? If so, what do I do? Gods, this is really messed up of me! Get it together woman! <slaps alternate cheeks> Snap out of it! Okay, a little better. Back to the game of Monopoly that a few of gals on a message board I frequent are playing in order to get through our respective two week waits... All are free to join us in the TWW Looney Bin! We've got the Monopoly game I mentioned (with $ for Free Parking of course). There's also a song circle in one corner and someone has kindly offered yoga and mediation classes as well. Come on down for some fun! (You know you want to, because, really, who wants to endure the TWW alone?)

Recognizing the Truth

What I want so desperately is to believe that this will work again. I hate being in the tww (two week wait) this time. Not because I am impatient to test (though I am) but because before, I knew. Before, I had this unflappable notion that I was pregnant. The first time too. Now it's masked by doubt and fear. I can't seem to read my body. I blame the progesterone for maybe masking side-effects as pregnancy symptoms when really, the real culprit, is fear. I'm scared to be pregnant again. The first pregnancy had a specific set of symptoms. And I started to miscarry Alex without ever having gotten a positive home pregnancy test. The second pregnancy, though, was different. Everything was different. My symptoms were stronger, I never got my period. I felt pregnant and co-workers who knew said I glowed with happiness. It was going to be different. Then we lost Kenneth. The only thing different about another pregnancy will be if I actually end up with a baby. There's no way to know if that will happen (oh, Magic Glass Ball, where are you?). I'm hopeful, and I mean truly optimistic. All the same, I'm scared sh*tless. I've been nauseas all day. I can eat food but there's always this unsettled feeling in me. Drinking lots of cold water helps. It did last time too. (Oh, and if you're reading this IRL (in real life) you are hereby sworn to secrecy. I beg you.)

Dear Progesterone:

This morning I had my coffee (thank you DR for that exquisite new drink) from my fav Seattle based coffee chain. Not feeling like having breakfast just yet I left it for a little while and took my vitamins. I'm a glutton for punishment because I insist on taking the prenatal in the morning even though it makes me queasy. Why you may ask? To prove to myself that I'm feeling something different- cause still undetermined (progesterone or pregnancy- the verdict is several days away still). So after awhile I decide I should eat some breaky. I grab a packet of oatmeal and mix it up (gotta love having a kitchen at work) and throw in some dried fruit. I eat my small bowl and enjoy it quite thoroughly. Ten minutes later as I wash out the bowl in the kitchen, I want to run to the ladies washroom and hurl. Lovely image I know, and you're very welcome. Except that I don't. I'm okay enough that I know I won't actually be sick, but damn, the feeling is there. It was like this with both of my pregnancies... My dearest progesterone, please give me a break. Let this not be a little mind game you're playing on me! Please don't mess with my known pregnancy symptoms. It's rather cruel you see to trick a woman who has lost two babies into believing that maybe, just maybe, she might be pregnant again. This is the one who just had that vivid dream the other day of nursing her child (remember me?). I want this too much and my fragile heart can't handle being tricked. Crap, now I'm almost in tears as I type this. It's still mid-morning. This is going to be a long day. Water, where my water. It helps the nausea you see...