Shifting

Day 5 on my new med and I'm feeling not too bad this morning. Those first couple of days were tough. I felt like I did in the early days of my pregnancy, the nausea hitting at random times. But so far, this morning is okay. I still haven't had a solid night's sleep, but at least when I wake up, I go right back to sleep, which is huge.
It hasn't even been a week and I can already feel a difference. It's not like something in me switched on like a lightbulb. Rather, it's like slowly opening a window and airing out a room. The freshness breathes new life into you. For me, the anxiety is easing. I still have moments, but they are getting fewer and farther between and less intense.

I don't know if I can acurrately voice how lovely this is. It'll be awhile until I am really better but at least I know the medication is working.

Friday was a first for R and I. We went on a date. R's parents were in town and watched Bean for us while we went to see Avatar. Can I just profess my love for this movie? Being a sci-fi fan, this was right up my alley. Some people (ahem, my husband) say if you want a storyline, stay home a read a book, but I think the story was really relevant to the past and the present. We both were amazed by the seamless way live action was blended with the CG. We saw it in 3-d which took awile for me to get used to since I already wear glasses, so my brain was compensating twice. When we left, it took a bit for my legs to feel right. I mean, after all that flying I did, it is any wonder?

Having that date was lovely in so many ways. I think it allowed us to reconnect a little. To just spend some time together and just be us. It was longest we'd left the baby with anyone since she was born. When we left, I was definitely an anxious mother, but she was down and sleeping for the night, so his parents just had to keep an ear out for her.

My parents were over on Saturday for the day. I miss them both a lot these days. The influx of the grandparents was fun to watch as they took in Bean's growth and got to know her all over again. It reminds me just how much she changes. I see it constantly every day but it must be quite shocking to those who don't see her for weeks at a time.

Lastly, yesterday morning, R went to go rescue the baby from her crib when she woke up and shocked him by being face up. Considering the only way she will sleep is on her stomach, this new development of rolling over makes me feel less guilty about the stomach sleeping.

Stuck in the Past

I just spent a two hour session with my mom on the phone working our way through our family tree on ancestry.com. We're HUGE into geneaology. I love researching things and solving puzzles. Some interesting facts:

-Currently, our farthest relation was born in 1250. Norman familiy. Hubby came home and when I told him this, he asked if anyone if the family was in the Crusades. Who knows...

-The above line goes back 17 generations (I counted). I'm the 18th.

-I am related to Captain William Bligh, of the Bounty fame. It's a big family so lots of people can also claim this. I'm his 5th great-grandaughter. However, the current puzzle is figuring out what his great-grandaughter's name is as she's our link. Interesting challenge.

-There is more Scottish blood on my Dad's side than there are clans in Scotland. Well, not really, but each line seems to end up being Scottish.

-My mom's side is really interesting. Her maternal side are German-Russians from a place called Bessarabia- an area between Romania and the Ukraine now called Moldova. Some really fascinating history there. We've been able to go back 10 generations, I think, but we've been finding more hints, so there is more work to be done.

But I think it's time to revert to the present and get myself some sleep. Hoping I can sleep through the night. My body is adjusting to the new medication but we're not quite there yet. More on that tomorrow.

Photo of the Day: Yet Another Sunset

You would think I would get bored taking photos of the sunsets from our apartment, but somehow, I never do.

Friday Photo Challenge (2): VARIETY

Yay, we're in business! Technical difficulties are over...
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The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography.

Follow these steps and join the fun:

1. Post your photo on your site. You are free to leave an explanation or none at all.
2. Leave your name and the link on this Challenge Post. Please use the PERMA-LINK (the link to your actual post, not the main link to your blog).
3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

Oh, and don’t forget one very important thing… HAVE FUN!
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This week's theme: VARIETY

It's a simpler and probably more lighthearted than last week and I think, fun. I was cooking (what else is new?) and my photo is both symbolic and literal. Symbolic, in that I was shaking things up and trying something new; literal, in that you can't get more variety than in 15-Bean Soup Mix.

Next Theme (Feb. 12, 2010): CELEBRATIONS

In honour of the Opening Ceremonies for the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Games, lets take a moment to show off the different ways we celebrate. Whether it is a personal and private celebration, or one giant public party, we tend to celebrate the big and the small. All I know is, there is a wonderful energy building in this city of mine and I'm hoping to be able to capture it somehow.

Photo Challenge- Technical Difficulties

Bear with me while I wait for the auto-link form site to sort itself out. The post will still hopefully go up today, hopefully soon...

Guess Who's Going to BlogHer '10?

I don't think I can possibly say how excited I am about this! I can't believe I get to go to the BlogHer Conference in August. The logistics of whether it's just going to be me, or a family vacation have yet to be decided. Much depends on money and where we're living (wherever R finds work after his thesis is done), but I get to go regardless- I've already registered.

So if you're going, give a shout out and we can plan to meet up.

New York City, here I come!

Depression Intervention, Take Two...

I woke up this morning feeling much like I did a year ago. Rather than being morning sickness, it's a side effect of my new medication.

I'm still trying to digest my last minute appointment yesterday, so bear with me while I try and work through it.

Reproductive Mental Health. It sounds so, so, serious! Which is what I think I needed; for someone to take this seriously and find a way to push through the wall that has been hindering my efforts to get better. I got the phone call at 11:30 in the morning. I was just about to make myself some lunch before packing up Bean to go to our weekly drop-in. As soon as I saw the hospital's name on the Caller ID, my heart started racing. They said that they had a cancellation and could get me in that day. The appointment was at 1pm. Yikes! We have no car, so I rely on transit and the hospital is a bit of a trek.

I'm running around the apartment, gathering a bottle, throwing things in the diaper bag, wolfing down a hard boiled egg and trying to get Bean ready to go. The anxiety kicks in. Thoughts are racing in my head. What if I'm late and I can't have the appointment? What if I can't find the place since she said almost everyone gets lost the first time? I get to the hospital grounds and aim for the coffee shop, feeling famished since a hard boiled egg does not make for a proper lunch. I grabbed a muffin and a latte.

By the time I found the building (it was across from the building where our prenatal classes were held), checked in, filled out the paper work and sat down to wait for the doctor, my anxiety had reached an all-time high. I could taste the bile in my throat and was on the verge of throwing up.

My anxiety stemmed from the fact that I really had no idea what to expect. I have never seen a psychiatrist before, counsellors yes, but never someone with the ability to prescribe meds. She was, in a word, AWESOME! She asked me lots of questions, trying to get my background story. She learned about the miscarriages, fibro, the bullying at school, my brother's illness and death. All the episodes of depression in my life were discussed. I think I had somehow forgotten how many times I had gone through depression. We had an hour appointment. I think she really needed about three hours to just to get through the basics. My life has been anything but simple. Everytime I tried to simplify and shorten a story, I found I couldn`t. There were too many important details.

At one point, she asked me what I thought I needed. I told her that I need to sleep! The insomnia has been pretty awful the last couple of weeks. I also told here that I needed to tame the anxiety. That, coupled with the insomnia, is what is keeping me from doing what I know I need to do. The fibro kicks in now and again to remind me that it's all linked.

We start talking medication. She asked me if I had heard of a certain one, which I had. She said it's a WONDERFUL antidepressant. She said it almost lovingly, which amuses me to no end. It's good for depresssion AND pain and is indicated for fibro. Two for one! My kinda drug. She gave me 4 weeks worth. I'm on a graduated schedule. Week 1, 30 mg. Weeks 2 & 3, 60 mg. Week 4, 120mg. I'll see her again in Week 4 and we'll see where we are at.

The side effects of this medication are nausea, sleepiness and dizziness. So far the nausea has been the predominate one and I've only had my first dose. It's a delayed release medication, so it'll stay longer in my system and I won't get highs and lows on it. Since I'm obviously sensitive to medication, she said that if I can put up with the side effects (which should get better as my body adapts), it could really help me.

Meanwhile, I'm signed up the PPD/Anxiety Therapy group that starts on the 23rd of this month. Dr. R and a nurse clinician run it. Hopefully, my anxiety will be under control by then so I can actually participate freely in a group. For now, I keep doing what I'm doing, aided by my new buddy. As I was leaving her office, she did remind me that they weren't "happy pills". They may not make me happy, but if these blue and white capsules can help me remember what happiness felt like, that my friends, would be an amazing thing.

Here we go...

Show and Tell: A Guessing Game

I was going to do another food post but I'm going to save that for next week.

Here's the photo:

Now what is it? Throw in your guess and I reveal the answer next week...

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing HERE!

Photo of the Day: Baby-Wan Kenobi

With Each Stroke

She drops the old sheet on the floor,
stained, smeared with colour.
Carefully ripping off the plastic wrapping,
it is laid bare- clean and untouched.

She runs her hand across it’s surface,
the texture of the primed canvas,
an invitation to attempt something;
the act more often important than the outcome.

Beside it lays the piece of glass that is her pallet,
with it’s long edges covered in
electrical tape that has
obviously seen better days.

She works the paint on the glass with her pallet knife,
carefully mixing colours,
ultramarine blue, mars black, titanium white-
their names a lullaby she sings to herself.

Pallet knife and brush in hand
She dips them into the paint.
Holding the endless possibilities in front of her,
she touches the stark white canvas,
and waits for the magic to begin.