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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Echoes of Hope

It's so damn fleeting... that moment of possibility, the moment where you can almost believe. But then all the negative and pessimistic thoughts flow over and it's gone.

My head and heart seem to be in tandem but they keep changing their minds. I try to think back to the other two times I've been in this place of possibility. What was I feeling, and how soon? How bad was the nausea? How long did it take to go from "ugghh, I feel a little crappy" to "omg, don't even bring that peanut butter anywhere near me!"? I don't remember. I have nausea and other symptoms noted on my chart from the second pregnancy but I can't qualify them in my memory.

And then there's the old mantra "every pregnancy is different". So how do I judge any of this? The way I feel right now, well, my instincts tell me that this isn't like last cycle, this isn't "those damn pills" working their devious magic. But I could be wrong, right?

What do I make of the twinges in my abdomen? Just some pre-af cramping (that I don't normally get)? Or is it something, someone, very special making a little home for themselves? I can't tell. Can I even bring myself to be that hopeful?

All of this is fear. Plain and simple. Fear that we might be successful; again. Fear that things will be lend up like before. I know that I'm meant to be a mother. Why is this so damn difficult?!?

How can I possibly sit here on the edge and not be optimistic like I usually am? Why the sudden change? Or is it not so sudden and I've just convinced myself that the wise optimist had returned? Why did she disappear all those months ago? Did she actually return? A part of me truly wants to believe so, but then again, doubt seeps in and I feel gripped by helplessness.

Has optimism abandoned me? Has my faithful friend gotten too tired to deal with my dramatic antics and finally taken her leave?

If so, what do I do?

Gods, this is really messed up of me! Get it together woman! <slaps alternate cheeks> Snap out of it!

Okay, a little better. Back to the game of Monopoly that a few of gals on a message board I frequent are playing in order to get through our respective two week waits...

All are free to join us in the TWW Looney Bin! We've got the Monopoly game I mentioned (with $ for Free Parking of course). There's also a song circle in one corner and someone has kindly offered yoga and mediation classes as well.

Come on down for some fun! (You know you want to, because, really, who wants to endure the TWW alone?)


littleangelkisses said...

Oh man have I been there. It's almost like I'm afraid to actually hope, so when I get hopeful I have to squash it immediately!


Kim said...

Ugh, there is nothing worse than the 2ww. I am totally going to check out the 2ww looney bin. Hang in there. I am keeping everything crossed for the two of you.

Another Dreamer said...

Good luck in the TWW!

I've only ever had two TWW's unfortunately. For me, most of the time, I am going mad waiting for the elusive ovulation and saying, "Did I, didn't I?" and then promptly analyzing every twinge and checking my BBT charts.

WiseGuy said...

In and out! Some kind of mental yo-yo! A cosmic trial of hope and fear!

Melissa said...

Hoping this 2ww ends on a high note :*)

Danielle said...

Seems you and me have been spending some significant time together without even really knowing it.... or at least I was too blind to see that I wasn't alone.

Funny how that happens.

I've kindly been reminded that my past is my past and I need not live in it for a moment longer.

Care to join me in the now? A perfectly wonderful sunny day that need not be spoiled by anticipation or uncertainty?

Wishing you well.