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Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Same Old Song

On the eve of my 4 month, 16 week milestone, I think I've come to realize how much miscarriage screws you up mentally.

With the last pregnancy, soon after we found out we were pregnant, I did up a budget for the rest of the pregnancy and my mat leave, so we could see where we were at and make sure we could set aside some money. R is a grad student who doesn't make a lot of $ and I do alright, but when I lose 45% of my income, we have to really make sure we've got all our ducks in a row.

Suffice to say, that when we got pg this time, we hadn't planed anything. Frankly, even up to my 14 wk appt, I was still shocked to find out the baby was still alive! Now, all of a sudden it's hitting me and we're starting to freak out that we're not ready. I know it's normal, but I think having gone through 2 m/cs has really affected how we process everything. I've felt Bean move but I still can't quite connect that motion to the reality of a live baby. It concerns me a little. I want to feel attached, and most of time I do, but the "dead baby thoughts" are always sitting in the farthest reaches of my mind waiting for a bad day to come out and make me worry. For three days I had felt nothing. No tickles. Nothing to reassure me that Bean was still okay. I have to admit to having mild moments of panic.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy this! Sure enough, this morning Bean reminded me that everything was okay. Several times. In fact, very active. Actually, as I typed that last sentence, Bean said hi again.

I don't think pregnancy will ever be "normal" for me. But I guess I can take solace in this tiny creature's presence who already has turned my world upside down. Where before I had sung sad ballads to break a heart, a new tune is being composed, moment by moment.

(cue hormonal tears)

8 comments:

Melissa said...

:) i want a belly pic!

I don't think the m/c's will ever leave...i know i'm not going to believe anything until there's a baby in my arms either...but 16 weeks!! That's awesome!! So happy for you. :)

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Congrats on reaching the 16 week mark... While I'm not where you are at, I agree that the m/c's will never leave us. I think the thing is to savour those moments when you do feel that you can trust that all will be well. Celebrate every moment you can... and don't feel guilty for your worries. You're allowed to worry... you're a mom!

areyoukiddingme said...

16 weeks is fantastic...you'll get past the fear enough to start planning. Every day will be a little better - especially if they're monitoring you a lot. I recommend more ultrasounds!

Kim said...

You said it perfectly. You will start planning when you feel ready. Yay for 16 weeks!

infertilityrocks said...

16 weeks is something to celebrate! I agree, do what feels right for you when it feels right. It'll get figured out one way or another!

JamieD said...

I know just how you feel. At 18 weeks, I feel like I am behind the curve. We just haven't been planning ANYTHING. But after yesterday it feels like it is really going to happen.

I love that feeling . . .

Willsmom said...

Just so you know, I find myself staying a little aloof of my bean as well. Like I'm mentally protecting myself. Like you, I really wish I could just relax sometimes.

My New Normal said...

I can totally relate to not wanting to believe it will really happen this time. Thanks so much for linking up and sharing your story.