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Monday, December 31, 2007

Another year over...

It's December 30, 2007. In two days it will officially be a new year and with it, a whole host of possibilities.

I can't believe the month is almost over, let alone the year! December turned out to be just as eventful as the entire year. Christmas was lovely. Ryan and I enjoyed our first Christmas together as husband and wife with family and friends in Victoria. We visited with who we could and generally took it easy. If was so nice to actually be able to relax over the holidays. Normally it's an insane combination of constant visiting and travelling that sees us entering the new year exhausted. This year we insisted on only doing one place at a time, meaning that we actually got to enjoy ourselves.

I missed seeing Ryan's family but his mom and dad came down a couple of weekends before and we went out to dinner with them and Aunt Dagmar. I really enjoyed spending the time with everyone.

Speaking of time together, I was soooo happy to see my Dad. 6 weeks away, he was really looking forward to those two weks at home. He even got to come home a couple of days early. This was all well and good but the plan got a sudden complication. My parents picked us up on the 21st from the ferry and went around, had lunch and did some errands. Got back to the house to find a message on the answering machine. Turns out that they wanted him to come back early to open up a new camp. This is HUGE news becuase it means that it's my Dad's kitchen and he calls the shots. It also means that he gets paid accordingly for his management role. There was no way he could it down but he did refuse to leave on Christmas Day like they orginally suggested.

So I got up at 4:45 am on Boxing Day and my Mom and I took him to the airport. I was never more nervous to drive that on that drive back to the house. It was very dark and the roads were icy, sucking up what little light there was. I desperately focused on the white lane lines hoping to stay in my lane. Proble was that every time cars came in the opposite direction, I momentarily lost the lines. That and I was incredibly tired. It was 5:30 am and no coffee shop on the Pat Bay Hwy to be found. Got back to the house at 6am and promptly put my Pjs back on and crawled back into bed to sleep fitfully for another two and a half hours. Finally dragged myself out of bed at 8:30 to find out that if we wanted to catch the 11 o'clock ferry as planned, our bus left at 9:01. Shit!! So we raced around packing the last of our stuff, eating breakfast and woke my Mom up (who was as tired as I was) to say goodbye.

Got back into Vancouver, did a load of laundry and met up with my friend CR. We went out to Burnaby and enjoyed the leftover Christmas snow that still clung to the ground at the higher elevations. After the brisk and lovely walk, we went to Metrotown to grab dinner and then we went our own way; Ryan and I popped into a few stores to see if any deals were to be had. I got one top. That's it!

I've come to the realization that although I haven't gained significant pounds back since before the wedding (when I stopped goiing to the gym), I have in fact lost my slimmer figure. Which, when you try on the sizes that used to just fit and now can't even be done up, it quite distressing.
So, 2008 is the year I finish losing the extra weight. No more games. If Ryan and I want to go ahead with starting a family soon, then I want to have the healthiest body and mind possible. I owe it to myself and to the child I hope to carry someday soon.

Speaking of baby... I have fallen in love with the sweetest little girl. She is so beautiful and I want you to meet her too. Please say hello to Kairi Leanne:

Isn't she just amazing?!? She slept in my arms for a good half an hour. A little restless 'cause the poor sweetheart has a cold. Ryan widely avoided holding here not becuase he didn't want to, but becuase he was afraid that if he did, he'd want one too. Ha!! Go figure...

Seeing this beautiful child has only solidifed our plan that much more.

Work is working out my contract and hopefully it'll be in place in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, I've got two major projects to complete in January (at least that's what my boss would like- we will see what the reality is). The one I'm really excited about is the uniform catalogue. I get to create a catalogue of everything that is in our uniform program, including doing photo shoots with our employees. how cool is that? The only downside is that I'm supposed to have it done in a few weeks! That's a lot of work and coordinating and a travel and editing and so forth that may or may not take longer. But we'll see what happens. Right now, I'm designing the page layouts. Next up are the written sections and the photo taking. After that is editing and pasting all the photos and text. But you know what? I think I'm up to the challenge. Bring it on!

As 2007 comes to a close and 2008 is about to begin, I'm reflecting. But more on that later...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Answers at last...

Well, I got the results of the blood test, and we are NOT pregnant. I actually took it better than I thought I was going to, probably because I've gone over all the reasons why this outcome will work better for us in the end. At least now we have the opportunity to get our finances in gear and I have the chance to get my body in shape. Ryan and I have agreed that we need a year to get ready and then after that, we'd love to have an addition to our family.

Until then, I've decided that I'm going to live vicariously through the my friends with their new baby and I can't wait to meet Kairi for the first time. You want to know what's crazy? I've never held an infant before. Oh, I've held my one-year old cousins, but never a baby so young! She'll be four weeks at Christmas, can you believe it?

So now I am looking at the steps I need to take to get where I want to go (nothing new there). I spoke to my manager and I've been assured that I won't need to look elsewhere for work, that they'll be able to give me the hours I need. She then spoke to our boss who told her, "Don't let her go anywhere!" It's nice to be wanted...

So that's that. I'll be working four days to start and at some point (hopefully sooner rather than later) I'll be working full-time. Meanwhile, it's time to do research into 1) new places to live and 2) the people and places I need to go to in order to propell myself forward as an artist.

Here we go...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

All Good Things Must Begin Somewhere...

It's taken me a week to sit down and write this post. At first I wasn't sure why but if I really think about it, it's all so big that I guess I needed time to digest, process and accept what I'm doing.

Last week, for the second time in a few days I took a home pregnancy test and it turned out negative. I cried. I mean really bawled like a baby! (no pun intended)

It was in those tears that I understood for the first time how much I wanted to be pregnant. How utterly desperate that drive was. The negative result served to show me that way deep down inside, I knew that I was meant to be a mother. That in the grand scheme of things, I am here on this Earth to change the world thought two things: my children and my art.

It's sooooo simple but so incredibly profound. That moment when you understand your purpose in life is so big and so powerful, it knocks you to the ground.

Somehow, the next day, I managed to spit this out to Ryan. I have to say, my incredibly wonderful husband took it all in stride. I told him what I truly wanted and asked him if he was willing to take a giant but well planned leap with me, if he was willing to take some risks and let me put myself out there. He said when I said it like that, how could he say no.

So here goes; this is the plan so far:

I am not going back to school in January to spend another $15 000 on a bachelor degree that when completed still requires me to go to grad school and spend another $12 800 that we won't have in order to be able to practice as an art therapist.

The alternative? Why don't I just be what I am already (an artist) and find a way to help people through that? So that's what I going to do. 2008 is the year that I take the leap and start being who I am: an artist.

Meanwhile, in order to get financially together and be able to devote some time to my artist pursuits, I'm going to work more where I am and/or get a second job and then go from there.

So that's where we're at, except there is still one more hitch to our plan...

I'm not entirely certain that the pregnancy tests were right. It may be all in my head but when my period arrived four days late last week and lasted only three days, it was yet another signal that something was going on with my body. For all I know I want a baby so bad my body is simulating symptoms. And while that theory may just be true, I'm still in doubt. Call it intuition or maybe I'm just crazy but I went to see my doctor and asked to get a blood test done to determine once and for all (hopefully) whether or not Ryan and I are going to be parents in August.

There, I said it all! I've put it out there. Just as 2007 was "My Year", 2008 is one of discovery and new adventures. And you know what? I'm ready for it, bring it on!

Claire and I have decided on our motto for this new year:

Anything Is Possible

I wrote my last of two final exams today and walked away from UBC confident in my decisions and sure that I am once step closer to being on the path I'm meant to be on.

In three or four days we'll know whether or not that includes being parents so soon in our marriage. A week ago I had a hard time reconciling the negative results, but now, today, I would be okay with either.

Whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Happy December 1st!

"Well the weather outside is frightful,
but the fire is so delightful,
and since no place to go,
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!"

Wow, is it ever coming down!

Happy Birthday Kairi!

Kairi Leanne was born yesterday at 5:47, weighs 8lbs 8oz and is 19.5" long. Everyone is doing well and Mom and Baby were expected to be home today. Congrats Cass and Dustin!! I am a very giddy "auntie"!!