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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Commenting Woes

I feel stuck. I love ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week). It's a great time to get to know other bloggers and share stories, ideas and comfort where needed. In a small way, it's been ruined for me; my heart isn't in it anymore.

It started with an edition of Barren Advice at Mel's where someone was expressing their difficulties visiting their regular blog haunts after finding out that the person is now pregnant. Mel's sensitive answer addressed all angles of the question and was lovely. It was something someone said in the comments that has left me lost. Someone basically said that receiving comments from those who were pregnant, even after infertility or loss, could be really difficult. That even if we were meaning well, the comments could still be hurtful.

I can understand requiring some extra sensitivity but I walked away from the discussion (even after posting my own feelings on it and then reading their subsequent comments) feeling a little sad, even hurt.

I'm sure that part of my reaction is hormonal but there's a part of me that just doesn't understand how my comments are less worthwhile just because I'm pregnant. Hell, this pregnancy hasn't even been deemed "viable" yet! I don't feel like I've joined the ranks of some special pregnant club where everyone is happy and blissful. In fact so many my bloggy-friends who are pregnant I can assure you don't feel like this either. We're terrified constantly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that I am just as capable of sensitive, compassionate and appropriate remarks now that a life is (hopefully) growing in me, as I was when twice before, life was pouring out of me.

But I'm not perfect. If I accidentally crossed a line at some point, I would hope that someone would (kindly) let me know. I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not going to tell someone how sorry I am that they are going through a rough time while rubbing my belly. I'm not a complete idiot! But I'm not perfect either. Neither is anybody else.

So why is my voice less valid now? Am I making too big a deal about this? Maybe. But I can't let it go. I want to participate in ICLW, but every time I hover my cursor over a blog who's description doesn't show pregnancy, I stop myself.

I don't know what to do.

Edited to add: So if I'm not commenting on your blog much and I normally do, maybe I'm afraid I'll say something wrong. Most of the regulars I read are great supporters for me during this difficult time but there are those I follow that I don't always get to comment on. I'm second-guessing my commenting all over the place these days, so please don't take it personally.


WiseGuy said...

Hmmmm...maybe that is why you are leaving half-assed comments on my blog. LOLOL! I just want a photograph of your facial expression right now.

Yes, I did read that edition of Barren Advice plus the comments. And I too have opined about it on my blog but from a different angle.

Actually, infertility is classified as a single diagnosis, but its effects are in multiples, especially with the lucky girls...

I am not on the ICLW list this time, but I do romp around on the list....one of the bloggers has talked about how she despised other's babies and as to how most of them are not really that cute, and I found that angle very surprising for someone craving babies for themselves. Life is like that!

Melissa said...

Hey hun-
I can mildly relate to the question. I think it's hard for someone to not expect to see a pregnant woman commenting only to find out about it through ICLW.

That being said, we're all at different points in our journey and maybe that person/couple is having a hard time at it right now. It isn't personal, even though i'm sure it's hard, if that makes sense?

Please don't worry too much about it. Take care of yourself and your growing bean!!! Many hugs and much love to you!!

WiseGuy said...

Jesus, I am a scaredy cat in the 2ww coz I am so sure that I am already preggers. To be pregnant will have me a nervous wreck.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

anyone who has gotten to know you... your compassion, your empathy, your kindness... will always value your input. I know I do!

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Ahhh screw em!!!

I've just lost my 4th and I don't CARE if youre up the duff, for ANYONE to leave me a comment about my 4th loss means SO MUCH to me, because it means someone has taken the time to read my words and express their thoughts back to me, I don't care if they're up the duff, round the bend or just plain insane!


areyoukiddingme said...

Everywhere I go in the IF blog land, I read about people who resent the pregnant ladies, hate going to baby showers, can't stand to see newborns, etc. It's understandable, and sometimes it extends to people who have had to overcome some of the same problems.

I'm sure you're not hijacking the comment sections to talk about your pregnancy, so you're not doing anything wrong. Keep commenting, because even if people resent your situation, they still want and need your support. (Seriously, I'm sure you haven't changed from saying "That sucks" to "Just relax and it will happen for you") You may just not get as many return visits from those you're commenting on.

Kim said...

You are very sweet. Personally, I love hearing about pregnancies after loss. I love hearing people talk about how, even though it is making them miserable, they are grateful to feel nausea, terrribly sore breasts, and to not be able to keep their eyes open from tiredness. Not only can I relate to those feelings but successful pregnancies in our community (and there seems to be a wave of them lately, no?) give me hope. And you are right, women who are pregnant after loss experience it in a different way. The terror/expectation that something could/will go wrong at any moment is not something that is easily understood by people who have not been there. Women who are lucky enough to get a BFP need support from people who "get it" just as badly as those getting a BFN or experiencing a loss. They should not be expected to go silent.

I understand that we are all different and people are entitled to feel what they need to. But, I see no good from letting my self get to a place where I could be ungrateful for support because of the circumstances of the giver or couldn't be suppportive of others.

Um, long story short, it's cool if you comment on my blog ;)

Danielle said...

I'm not familiar with the post that you referenced and wasn't even totally aware of the commenting week, but I think I get it to some degree. Keep in mind that getting it and agreeing with it are different.

Right now there appears to be a baby boom going on. For fertiles and infertiles alike. I recall something similar to this a few years back. It happens and last time I was left behind. Granted no one intended it that way and nor did they ever intentionally say things that were hurtful, but the reality was that they got off the bus and everything that we'd experienced up until that point was valid to some degree, but they didn't know what it was like RIGHT NOW. What it was like to watch this babyboom unfold before us and not get to be a part of it.

Although I traveled those roads for nearly 6 years and I know that many still do value my opinions and advise I try to be extra careful sometimes when I comment or offer insight. I missed the boat enough times to know that no matter how much we don't want it to be different it is. It just is. It's not right or wrong, it just is what it is.

As for making it to the other side... well it's different too. It's not like I just landed in "normal" land and all of a sudden feel I can related to people who've conceived naturally. Instead I'm still on the outside. Welcomed by the fertiles I feel like I don't belong. Acknowledged by the infertiles too, but I know that I've left there too.

I can only really compare it to moving away for college and then coming back a couple of year later to the same friends who didn't go away. You remember the good old days, but the truth is things are now just different and not every relationship can survive that.

Good luck and don't fret. As long as your kind considerate and compassionate like always, know that you're heart is in the right place.


Mrs. Olson said...

I want you to know that while it is hard to hear sometimes about people being pregnant, I would not classify you as one of those people. In my opinion it is usually others who haven't been through IF, and don't realize what it is like for us going through this.

I can't speak for others, but I like hearing your stories because it gives me hope, like there actually is a light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel. You've been through what we are still going through and you can relate. I will never, ever take offense to anything you wish to post.

You need our support and will continue to need our support throughout your pregnancy, just like we still need your support.

I'm praying your pregnancy goes well, and, at the end of it all, you have a beautiful, healthy baby. Congratulations :)

Dora said...

I appreciate all comments. That those with children or who are pregnant care enough to support me, means a lot. Sometimes I find it hard to return the comments, but I would never want someone to hesitate to comment on my blog because they have had success.

Of course you're terrified! I hope I get to join you in that unique terror soon.

Big hug to your hormonal self!

Another Dreamer said...

Very well put. I totally get that. I mean, pregnancy doesn't always equal baby, so it's not like you've crossed some line, you still need support.

(*hugs*) Sorry you're feeling voiceless. Your voice means a lot to me, the "maybe pregnant, maybe not" ;) It's been very comforting.

this one said...

I could try to write a thoughtful post, but I just want to second everything Kim said. Since I mostly read blogs from those with RPL, lots of pregnancies are bound to happen. The support for us is what happens after that BFP. While I was trying to get pregnant again (6 months that felt like a looong time) SO MANY of the women on my blogroll got pregnant and had succesfull pregnancies. It was great to see and isn't that what we are all hoping for - a happy ending? I was glad that they kept commenting on my blog and being supportive. But I guess we can't always assume things are the same when you go from RPL to other IF issues, I don't know.

Meg said...

I think the support and presence you have for all of us here, regardless of our phase in the journey, is incredible. And I certainly hope you continue...

JamieD said...

I know just how you feel. Even though I have had two m/c myself, I hesitate to comment on someone who is currently experiencing a loss. I don't want them to hurt anymore than they already are.

For me personally - I loved comments from people who were pregnant after RPL. They are like superheros to me. Proving it can be done. And now that I am pregnant again, I find myself going back and referencing their blogs to see how they felt at this point in their pregnancy.

Keep commenting - you are providing more comfort than you realize.