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Thursday, July 01, 2010

All Good Things...

I've sat down to write this post about a dozen times and each time, I write a few words and then sign out. I kept flip-floping; yes I'm going to, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not. But since these words are being written, you can see that I finally came to a decision.

After five years of writing, or reflecting and processing, I am moving on from this blog. Some may say, well, you haven't posted in two months, isn't that pretty much the same? No. Not for me. I need closure, to walk away and say I'm ready to start something new.

(Dammit! I can barely type, I'm teary already)

When I first began this blog, it was simply an exchange of ideas for my friends. When I had my miscarriages it became my solace, my well of grief and my strength. Shortly after the second miscarriage I found the ALI community. I don't think I can adequately express what everyone has done for me. You shone a light on the dark days and rejoiced in the bright ones. I've made many friends as a result and although I haven't kept up recently, you are all often in my thoughts.

Things are such in my life that I fid myself not wanted to blog anymore. I'm writing lots but not here. And I've decided that it's okay. I will no longer make myself feel guilty for it. But before I take my leave of you, I want to tell where I am at these days.

I am happy. That is probably the most important thing for you to know. I still have post-partum depression and have periods of hibernation, but they don't hinder my life as much as they used to. I'm still seeing my psychiatrist occasionally and she is still as wonderful as the day I met her. I'll be on my meds until the New Year and if I'm truly doing well, I can wean off them.

R handed in his PhD dissertation earlier this month and on July 21st will have his defence. So by August 1st, my darling husband will be a Doctor of Philosophy, Sciences (Physics). From there we will (fingers crossed) get a job and we will either be staying here in Vancouver or moving wherever he finds work.

In limbo can be a stressful place to be, but I'm doing the best I can to keep it in check and enjoy each and every day with Bean. She is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I always knew I was meant to be a mother, and it has been comfirmed over and over again. She makes me smile and laugh, and at times cry in frustration, but I wouldn't change a single moment of it. Well, I suppose I'd like to go back and enjoy those first months, but they are what they are and I am just glad I made it through and can now be there for my daughter.

In recent days, the full effect of what it means to be a "family" has hit me. My relationship with R is doing better than it has throughout all of the chaos of the last two years and there are moments when we hug each other while holding Bean, that I feel like my heart might explode form happiness.

I've been through many things in my life, and will go through many more, but that is what this journey is about. The Steadfast Warrior shall keep in going. Some of you are friends with me on facebook, some have my email. If you are interested in keeping in touch, email me.

Thank you for lending me your eyes, and you hearts. You are more wonderful than I can express. I shall leave you with one last Photo of the Day. This is Bean in all her 8.5 Month glory. She's going to be walking soon (Fates help us) and keeps me on my toes...