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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Drifting

I had two posts I started and planned to publish last week. I obviously never did. I suppose the simple reason is that I've been too tired. Work has been so crazy I had mild breakdown over it last week. Everyone keeps telling me to make sure I don't get stressed and to take care of myself. But there's not a whole lot of people stopping what they're doing to help me with the three jobs-in-one that I do. It'll get better in the next weeks but for now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Spending most of my time in front of a computer means that I have very little interest in spending my evenings in front of one.

But despite that, I'm doing okay. The nausea which appeared to be letting up a little has decided that it will return even more gung-ho than before! In fact, I threw up today at work. I thought I was long past that, but what the hell do I know. I do have to say that it does make me a little happy because I know Bean is doing alright then. Not having a way to gage things since my last ultrasound, it's hard not to get worried from time to time. That being said, I'd really prefer not to be sick my entire pregnancy.

This last week was also interesting in that now most people at work know. I even told a few people about our losses. Usually it's in response to the "you must be so excited" comments. Of course I'm excited but...

How do you explain to people that your heart is cautious. That although you feel this incredible joy, you secretly are still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I sometimes wonder if pregnancy will ever be the full experience that people talk about. Maybe, one day. I keep thinking that I just need to make the next milestone and then all will be well. But there are so many milestones that you could constantly be on hold waiting to be happy. Don't get me wrong I am VERY happy. Some days, I just can't wipe the smirk off my face. Those days of course are the ones where my stomach actually likes food.

I have a feeling that feeling Bean move for the first time will help this feel more real- like it'll actually happen.

Or maybe tomorrow. We have our next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. We're hoping to hear Bean's heart beat! And maybe if we're lucky, we'll get another ultrasound and maybe a picture?

7 comments:

WiseGuy said...

Tomorrow Afternoon....All the very best....

"Waiting for the other shoe to drop..". We possibly can never approach pregnancy the same way as the fertiles, because, it is such a hard fought battle for us, that we never know when the trophy may get snatched...


You my lady, have to keep your head above the water....Can't you ask for some amount of relaxation (now that office ppl know?)?

I just hope that the nausea subsides...

Take Care...

And Dear Bean...>>Muuah!<<

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Pregnancy will never be normal for IF's, we're more hardcore than normal women so we can handle it tho ;-)

I hope you not only hear lil beans heartbeat but also are lucky enough to score another ultrasound and a piccie!


xxxx

Meg said...

I agree that your pregnancy may not be the same as others,ever. I am trying to embrace that everyday and so far I feel fortunate to have such a delicate, appreciative look on this life growing inside of me. Not a day goes by when you will not be thankful and cherish the day you just had with Bean. It takes a while to get there, but it happens. The endless movement and belly growth will help you!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I'm glad to hear that you're hanging in there... even if it is just barely. My prayer for you this week is experience some peace in your heart about the Bean. Also, that others will step up and help you at work.

(And I'm really glad to hear from you... I was on the verge of sending an email ;) )

JamieD said...

I know what you mean about waiting to feel movement - little nudges of reassurance.

I told someone at work a few days ago about my pregnancy and she said, "That was quick!" I think I gave her the most dumbfounded stare. I didn't want to rattle off my whole history but didn't know how to tell her 'quick' was not one of the words I would use to describe my attempts at conception.

*SIGH* Non-IFers will never understand.

Another Dreamer said...

Wishing you luck tomorrow.

I don't think pregnancy will ever be normal, but maybe it will become more real, at the very least.

I am thinking of you hun.

Good Timing said...

I just wanted to pop in and say hi. :) I saw your blog linked on Baby Centre Canada and have been reading through some of your archives. Congrats on your pregnancy! I am glad that everything is going so well. All the best to you!