I had two posts I started and planned to publish last week. I obviously never did. I suppose the simple reason is that I've been too tired. Work has been so crazy I had mild breakdown over it last week. Everyone keeps telling me to make sure I don't get stressed and to take care of myself. But there's not a whole lot of people stopping what they're doing to help me with the three jobs-in-one that I do. It'll get better in the next weeks but for now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Spending most of my time in front of a computer means that I have very little interest in spending my evenings in front of one.
But despite that, I'm doing okay. The nausea which appeared to be letting up a little has decided that it will return even more gung-ho than before! In fact, I threw up today at work. I thought I was long past that, but what the hell do I know. I do have to say that it does make me a little happy because I know Bean is doing alright then. Not having a way to gage things since my last ultrasound, it's hard not to get worried from time to time. That being said, I'd really prefer not to be sick my entire pregnancy.
This last week was also interesting in that now most people at work know. I even told a few people about our losses. Usually it's in response to the "you must be so excited" comments. Of course I'm excited but...
How do you explain to people that your heart is cautious. That although you feel this incredible joy, you secretly are still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I sometimes wonder if pregnancy will ever be the full experience that people talk about. Maybe, one day. I keep thinking that I just need to make the next milestone and then all will be well. But there are so many milestones that you could constantly be on hold waiting to be happy. Don't get me wrong I am VERY happy. Some days, I just can't wipe the smirk off my face. Those days of course are the ones where my stomach actually likes food.
I have a feeling that feeling Bean move for the first time will help this feel more real- like it'll actually happen.
Or maybe tomorrow. We have our next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. We're hoping to hear Bean's heart beat! And maybe if we're lucky, we'll get another ultrasound and maybe a picture?