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Saturday, October 25, 2008

My Sassy Girl

If you liked Little Miss Sunshine, you'll like this remake of a very popular Korean film.

My Sassy Girl is freakin' hilarious, and has fantastic dialogue. Oh and Elisha Cuthbert is amazing.

Surpasses date movie status- meaning that you don't need a date or to be on one to enjoy it.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

From the Bottom Up...

I put them away. Safely tucked them away within reach. I know I'll be needing them sooner rather than later but just not yet.

Baby things. Cute and soft and lovely. They were mine. Things I wore or used. A yellow velour jumper that I remember dressing my dolls with when I was a kid. Tiny satin baby booties and a pink baby brush and comb.

I put them away. And that makes me sad. But not the kind of sad I was before. Before it was an overwhelming grief that threatened to break my last thread of strength. In some ways, it did. There's a part of me that was lost with our baby and I'll never get that back. But slowly, I've been filling that hole with somehting I didn't think I'd find again: Hope

Someone on a forum I'm on mentioned a great book that she had picked up at the library. reading her post, I thought to myself, "Duh, what an idiot, why didn't I think of checking out the library for info?" I'm an avid reader, so why didn't I think about doing so? Who knows. Grief spins you in weird directions. So one weekend, my husband and trecked down to the Central Branch of the Vancouver Public library, and I went hunting.

4 books later, I held in my hands something I had lost in this crazy situation: Control. I know that when you welcome a new life into your own, you have to give up that control. I just didn't think I'd be here, the Survivor of two miscarriages. But this book has given me some of that control back. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm at but I do know it'll get there.

R and I have started counselling and that is a huge step forward. Hopefully we'll come out of this stronger than before. Ready to take our life back in our hands and leap forward...together.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Catching up

Here are some of the forum entries (or partial ones) about where everything went well and then went wrong:

August 12, 2008:

I had my first OB appointment:

I went to my appointment and the place is REALLY nice! Each of the exam rooms have ultrasound machines!

The temp OB came in (mine's on holidays) and we ended up doing the full prenatal Q&A. Thought it would be a short consultation but she also did an internal exam, pap smear (I'm not worrying about any spotting) and then to allay my fears abot this pg, she offered to do an ultrasound!!

So we got to see our little bean! Basically a tadppole with flippers! lol! But sooo amazing!! I actually gasped, I was so shocked. But she tried to find the heartbeat and was having a hard time. She actually had a hard time finding the baby at first and it took awhile. So the angles made it difficult. That and she wasn't a untrasound tech and I didn't have a full bladder.
Suffice to say that we thought we had a heartbeat but it seemed really slow and might have been an echo of mine. So we're not sure. BUT... I have a dating ultrasound on Monday, so we'll know then wether this pg is viable or not.

I really need it to be! The m/c in May was horrible and I hope to never go through that again. So cross your fingers for me! I'm trying to be really positive but could use a little extra hope...

August 18, 2008:

Dating ultrasound revealed no heart beat and dated me two weeks earlier than my dates indicate. And I'm certain about my dates. Have a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks to see what's going on.

September 2, 2008:

Had my ultrasound and it confirmed what I knew in my heart.... our baby hadn't grown past 6 weeks, 4 days and had no heartbeat. On top of that, 4 weeks later, I finally have started miscarrying. I'm relieved it's at least happening on it's own.

Suffice to say that I am numb and devastated. But I have an amazing OB who is willing not to wait for a 3rd miscarriage to figure out what's going on (is concerned because I'm so young- 25 this Thursday and haven't had a live birth). We'll be doing some tests to see if it was chromosomal (and therefore inevitable) or if there's something in my system that's preventing me for carrying a pg. This time hopefully we'll have answers and maybe some peace of mind knowing that the next time we decide we're ready to try again, we may have some back up to help us through.

September 4th, 2008:

I spent my 25th B-day in the hospital!!!

Thursday (my b-day) I filled my prescription for Misoprostol which is supposed to contract the uterus and speed up the miscarriage. Well it worked... TOO WELL! The contractions, well were exactly like being in labour would be and I was in agony. Then I starting bleeding... A LOT! There was so much in the evening I got really scared and got DH to call an ambulance. I knew we couldn't deal with it on our own and in the end I was right to call.

Paramedics came and agreed that I was not okay. We went to BC Womens, where my OB delivers and said that we'd do a D&C if I ended up choosing to. Figured that was the best option as I was supposed to take any tissue there in the first place so we could get the genetic testing done. Paramedics tried calling the hospital to warn of our arrival but had no luck with their weird phone tree system. Got to Women's and some idiot at the front desk told us to go to Van General because they only take women 22 wks or later (which it turned out was BS).

Get to VGH and was admitted into the ER. They ran tests, did exams and decided to keep me overnight for observation. Bleeding and cramping slowed to almost nothing by 1 am Friday and I managed to get a little sleep (in between the nurse checking my vitals). Had an ultrasound at 8am and it showed that there was still tissue left so I opted for a D&C.

Took forever to get admitted and get a room. Also had a hard time finding out when the surgery would be because the OR had a bunch of transplants to do and other critical cases. Got a room on the ward at 6pm and by 9 they were prepping me for the OR.

If you've never had a general anaesthetic, it's one weird experience. It happened so fast. One second, they're hooking me up to the ECG and then next thing I know I'm fading into darkness and soundlessness. Next thing I know it's a little after 11pm and I'm in the recovery room. Groggy as all hell too. Takes awhile for me to be able to move and talk.

They give me a while and then move me back to my room where I sleep soundly except to have my vitals taken again at 2:30 and 6 am. Breakfast at 8:30 was crappy hospital food but the best crap food ever considering I hadn't had anything food at all since 5 pm on Thurs. Even then it wasn't a meal but I was in too much pain to eat, so my last real meal was lunch that day.
The D&C was uncomplicated and went really well. I have no pain at all right now and am bleeding only a little, much like a light day of af. Feeling much better emotionally too. I had a major breakdown about 30 minutes before calling the paramedics and I think that made the whole hospital experience easier. I had better coping skills by the time we got there.

All in all my 25th b-day sucked big time but it's now over. My OB (who happened to be on call last night and did the D&C) was able to retrieve the tissue. We'll get results of the genetic testing in about 3 months (maybe less); just in time for DH and I to be allowed to start trying again if we're ready. I know when depends on the next while and how we cope and grieve.