Depression Intervention, Take Two...

I woke up this morning feeling much like I did a year ago. Rather than being morning sickness, it's a side effect of my new medication.

I'm still trying to digest my last minute appointment yesterday, so bear with me while I try and work through it.

Reproductive Mental Health. It sounds so, so, serious! Which is what I think I needed; for someone to take this seriously and find a way to push through the wall that has been hindering my efforts to get better. I got the phone call at 11:30 in the morning. I was just about to make myself some lunch before packing up Bean to go to our weekly drop-in. As soon as I saw the hospital's name on the Caller ID, my heart started racing. They said that they had a cancellation and could get me in that day. The appointment was at 1pm. Yikes! We have no car, so I rely on transit and the hospital is a bit of a trek.

I'm running around the apartment, gathering a bottle, throwing things in the diaper bag, wolfing down a hard boiled egg and trying to get Bean ready to go. The anxiety kicks in. Thoughts are racing in my head. What if I'm late and I can't have the appointment? What if I can't find the place since she said almost everyone gets lost the first time? I get to the hospital grounds and aim for the coffee shop, feeling famished since a hard boiled egg does not make for a proper lunch. I grabbed a muffin and a latte.

By the time I found the building (it was across from the building where our prenatal classes were held), checked in, filled out the paper work and sat down to wait for the doctor, my anxiety had reached an all-time high. I could taste the bile in my throat and was on the verge of throwing up.

My anxiety stemmed from the fact that I really had no idea what to expect. I have never seen a psychiatrist before, counsellors yes, but never someone with the ability to prescribe meds. She was, in a word, AWESOME! She asked me lots of questions, trying to get my background story. She learned about the miscarriages, fibro, the bullying at school, my brother's illness and death. All the episodes of depression in my life were discussed. I think I had somehow forgotten how many times I had gone through depression. We had an hour appointment. I think she really needed about three hours to just to get through the basics. My life has been anything but simple. Everytime I tried to simplify and shorten a story, I found I couldn`t. There were too many important details.

At one point, she asked me what I thought I needed. I told her that I need to sleep! The insomnia has been pretty awful the last couple of weeks. I also told here that I needed to tame the anxiety. That, coupled with the insomnia, is what is keeping me from doing what I know I need to do. The fibro kicks in now and again to remind me that it's all linked.

We start talking medication. She asked me if I had heard of a certain one, which I had. She said it's a WONDERFUL antidepressant. She said it almost lovingly, which amuses me to no end. It's good for depresssion AND pain and is indicated for fibro. Two for one! My kinda drug. She gave me 4 weeks worth. I'm on a graduated schedule. Week 1, 30 mg. Weeks 2 & 3, 60 mg. Week 4, 120mg. I'll see her again in Week 4 and we'll see where we are at.

The side effects of this medication are nausea, sleepiness and dizziness. So far the nausea has been the predominate one and I've only had my first dose. It's a delayed release medication, so it'll stay longer in my system and I won't get highs and lows on it. Since I'm obviously sensitive to medication, she said that if I can put up with the side effects (which should get better as my body adapts), it could really help me.

Meanwhile, I'm signed up the PPD/Anxiety Therapy group that starts on the 23rd of this month. Dr. R and a nurse clinician run it. Hopefully, my anxiety will be under control by then so I can actually participate freely in a group. For now, I keep doing what I'm doing, aided by my new buddy. As I was leaving her office, she did remind me that they weren't "happy pills". They may not make me happy, but if these blue and white capsules can help me remember what happiness felt like, that my friends, would be an amazing thing.

Here we go...

Progress: Redux

Yesterday was another interesting day.

For starters, I had one of my crazy blurred vision, near blackout moments. I had this a couple of times before being diagnosed with fibro. It scared the shit out of me then and yesterday was worse because Bean was awake and eating. I kept worrying about passing out with Bean there with me. I desperately wanted her to go to sleep so I didn't have to worry about her. I ate breakfast right away so that blood sugar wouldn't play a part in it (it's not what causes these moments, so no comments about my not eating right away in the morning).

Then my Mom called. Moms have great timing sometimes, don't they?

We talked and she suggested putting Bean in her little chair beside the couch so I could lie down and rest and see if that helped. So I did and yes, I started feeling a little better.

But the event left me drained, so I decided I should keep thing low-key. I had made a list earlier of all that I had to do and was a little sad that I wouldn't get any of it done. But, I really started feeling a lot better by Noon and by the afternoon I had a surge of energy, which I took advantage of.

So I did it- finally: I called  the Post-Partum Society.

The nurse who gave me the pamphlet warned me that I may have to leave a messsage. I'm glad she warned me because if I had just gotten the voicemail for the support line, I might have just hung up right there and then. But I didn't and I did leave a message.

Around dinner time, just before R got home, they called me back. A lovely woman, whose name never did register in my brain, walked me through the intake and listened to my story and where I was at. She was wonderful. All of the support line volunteers are Moms who have been through Post-Partum Depression/ Anxiety. They've been there and they know how hard it is. She said she would mail out some info for myself and R and follow-up with me next week to see if 1) I got it and 2) I had any questions and where to go next.

I have no illusion that they can magically fix my issues- that's not what they are they for. But they have a support line I can call and in-person support groups. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but in the meantime, while I wait for my appointment with the hospital to come around, at least I know I have options and resources available to me.

It's funny, I'm still in limbo and I'm still not in the best place, but I think I'd rather go with things not moving at all, because perhaps that might mean that things won't get worse. Crazy? Maybe. In any case, I have options and when your world seems to be collapsing around you, options are like a few good pillars that are going to hold the ceiling up.

Gee, I could have told you that!

So I saw the good doctor today. Alone. Bringing Bean only seems to distract him from what I came to talk about, so I left her with R.

The upshot of the appointment is that my fibro is MUCH better (yay!). I told him I didn't want to stay on the Lyrica because I can manage it without medication. I am a little more tender on my left side but that's the side I hold Bean on all the time, and really, a massage would help that easily.

In the discussion about the depression he tried to tell me that it would get better as the fibro eased off. I told him that it wouldn't and in fact, it was getting worse. I'm not in physical pain. The fibro isn't feeding the depression, rather the other way around. Then comes my favourite part of the appointment: he tells me that it may be post-partum depression and it's something we should be aware of.



Umm, yeah. Good call.

He's sending me to the PPD Clinic at the hospital where I delivered Bean. Just awaiting the referral. It can't come soon enough (I really hate waiting for these things). Meanwhile, I'm stopping the Lyrica tonight. Hoping Bean cooperates and sleeps through the night. Last night she got up, not once, but twice.

She can just cut it out now. Seriously. I think she's beginning to teeth. I had given up the notion since her gums were still hard but this evening I noticed that they are softer. Here we go...

On another (but health related note), I decided I was done waiting for a store (any store) to get the Wii Fit in stock since it's no where to be found in the city. I went online in hopes of being able to order one. No luck. Unless of course I want to wait 2-3 weeks before it ships from Amazon. I might as well wait for the stock to hit local stores.

Did I mention I hate waiting?

Day One

Happy New Year and welcome to 2010!

I started this year curled in bed reading a book. We finished a movie last night about 15 minutes before midnight and crawled into bed. Bean had gone to sleep at 10:30 after her bedtime feed.

She didn't wake up till 8:30am! I took the Lyrica last night which helps with sleep so I slept right through until R woke up at 8am. I didn't crawl out of bed until 9am, mostly because the one side effect I usually get with these kinds of meds is grogginess. I felt like my body was numb for a good hour and a half. How I'll manage feeding a baby like this I don't know but I'm thinking I'll just have to push myself through it. And make sure I get my shower and coffe. Everything seems better after a hot shower and caffeine.

The only other side effect so far is a mild dry mouth. Not a big deal. It's too soon to know if it's actually doing anything. I'm a little achy this evening but then again it could have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the house and cooked dinner for friends who came over tonight.

R said from the kitchen as we were cleaning up after they left that we should do this more often. I agreed; partly because I enjoyed people's company and lovely food but also because it forced us to clean the apartment. Don't ask how long it's been since we vaccumed...

So we did end up getting a Wii yesterday. It took two phone calls to me and several stores to find it in stock but we have one. Today I tried to get a Wii Fit but no luck, all sold out. Though, I only looked one place since I have gift cards for there. We're going to check out one of the other stores this weekend and cross our fingers they have one. A Wii Fit is an absolute must. For me, it's the only way I can get in a workout and not worry about the baby. I can use it while she's sleeping and if she wakes up then I can come back to it later. So much easier than packing her up in the car seat and taking her downstairs to the gym in our building and hoping she lets me do what I need to. Methinks that wouldn't go so well. For now I'm enjoying tennis and bowling and baseball. But I get fully into it and use my whole body. After a few minutes I can already tell it's doing something and that my body is working. I also have a new pair of running shoes we bought back in November. I broke them in a little over Christmas when we were away. I'm looking forward to doing more- it felt great.

So here we are. It's a brand new year, full of potential and hope. My friend Claire and I always come up with a new motto each New Year's to set the tone for the year to come. I talked to a short while ago and she came across something she thought would work well, which I quite like. It's a no pressure sort of deal but still working towards something. So here we go...

"2010: Not trying to be perfect, just a little better."

Now to check out The Creme de la Creme list... (see my sidebar if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

It Is What It Is

I apologize in advance for what is sure to be a rambling ADD riddled post. After a week away, can you blame me? And you never know, this make take more than one post.

We got home Tuesday. I was never so glad to have my own bed and get our Bean back on a routine. Silly person that I am, I thought that having our own space agaon would be good. I am an idiot. Back into said routine, I'm trying to keep myself together and write without crying. I very nearly want to call my dear husband and tell him to come home. He's at the Library working on his Thesis. And I need him to work on his thesis so he can get a job so we don't end up homeless and begging on the street for money to buy formula and diapers. And besides, if we're lucky, R will be able to find a Wii on sale- if they're not all sold out.

Speaking of formula, Baby Girl is eating her third meal of the day. I swear she just ate and went down for a nap. We paused for a diaper change, I LOVE diaper changes!! I know, I'm nuts. But it's these moments when we're face-to-face and I have her undivided attention. She listens to whoever is talking to her and begins grinning like an idiot. She smiles like her Daddy and her Grandpa (my Dad)- right into her eyes. It melts not just my heart but every part of me.

As I was changing her just now she stared into my eyes smiling. I burst into tears. At the beginning of this post I had convinced myself that I could hold out, that I didn't need the medication. Staring at her, soaking up all her sweetness, I know I have to- for her, for R and for myself. The fibro is slight, the PPD deafening in it's roar. They feed off each other. I need to break the cycle.

So here we are on the eve of a new year. I will start it having had my heart full with more joy than I thought possible. And I will start it trying to fix the things that have gone wrong in my body and my mind.

I feel a bit like a failure by needing the meds. And you don't have to say it, I know there's nohting wrong with medication if you need it -I've heard it all. Right now this is how I feel. I'll get over it.

So I wish you a Happy New Year. I have much to catch you up on and much catching up to do myself. But tonight, I am going to curl up with my incredible husband and my baby. We're going to read a bedtime story to our dear girl, put her to bed and watch a movie (or play Wii if we're lucky).

And then I will take the step I need to to fix this.

See you in 2010.

Considerations

I had a lovely weekend. R and I took Bean to see my family for an early Christmas since my Dad was home on his week off. It was nice to visit with my parents, brother and Aunt. To see how everyone reacted to Bean after not seeing her for a whole month. It was a happy time.

I wish I could have been as happy as I knew I should be. Don't get me wrong, I laughed and enjoyed everyone's company. But there was a part of me that was quiet and a tiny numb. Friday afternoon, my Mom and I went to the mall and hung out and talked. She's been in my shoes and dealt with depression before. It was nice to talk to her, to put it all out there. It's also brought everything to the surface. Normally, I'd say that would be a good thing but I did find it hard to put it to the side completely so I could just simply enjoy myself. Perhaps it was getting only 3 hours of sleep Friday night due to Bean too noisy of a sleeper. Normally she sleeps in our Living Room in her bassinet since she keeps me awake. That wasn't an option since Bean likely would have had a cat joining her. She was also restless and a little fussy. We think it was because she's older and knew she was in a different place. It took a night for her to adjust.

Last night was better for both of us... thankfully. I feel a little better today.

I think the hardest thing about depression is the feeling of numbness. At some point you just disconnect from things around you, including your senses. I saw my GP on Thursday. I'd like to say we had a discussion about my PPD and fibro but that's not usually how it works. He hears what I say and will respond but often I'm not always sure if he actually listens of not. Probably not an unusual occurrence for Doctors. I'm at least used to him and how he works, so I know what to pull from what he doesn't say.

He gave me a one month supply of Lyr.ica to try if my fibro pain gets bad. He'd rather I not go on anything unless I really need it, because it can have side effects. The med will help me sleep and also help the depression. However it's a pain med not a depression med. So I can't just start it to help the PPD. He did ask if I was doing any stretching, which I haven't been. But I have been walking, which I told him. So hint, hint, I have things to do. In reality, it's all part of the lifestyle management that helps me cope with the fibromyalgia. I had a spark of real pain on Thursday and Friday but that's been it so far.

As for the depression, it was sort of put on the back burner if you ask me. Whether he thought it was a serious issue or not, I'm not sure. My Mom suggested I see my OB about it. I had my post-partum check-up a week ago, so I doubt it would be much of an issue to go back.

In a way I feel in limbo. In a place between handling things on my own and needing medical intervention. Do I start the meds, or wait for the fibro to get a bit more serious? Do I just do the lifestyle steps- diet, exercise and stress management and hope it's all it takes?

I'm not sure what the answer is. Despite not having family in my city, I do have a group of girlfriends from my online message board. We all have babies around the same age and one of the gals has a touch of PPD also. We went for a walk early last week to commiserate. It was really nice. Then another friend came over for a visit. Thursday, I was overwhelmed with all the prep I had to do for our weekend away, so my PPD buddy K came over and helped. She watched Bean while I went back and forth from the laundry room in our building, washed my tub, helped me pack, made lists of things to not forget to pack and was in general a lifesaver. Her company alone helped.

Perhaps that's the key. Just having people around. I'm such a social person that I have found parenting a newborn very isolating and lonely. I can talk on the phone and write here but sometimes you just need a physical presence beside you to remind you that you're not alone.

I'm in a strange place and we'll see what these next days bring. I have at least two visits with friends plus a visit to work on the agenda for this week. Also, Ben gets her first set of vaccinations. That should be interesting.

Time to go. Bean is still sleeping . Expecting her to wake up with in the next 30 minutes or so to eat; unless of course she pulls another bout of long sleep. That would make three in three weeks. Boy can I not wait for her to start sleeping through the night...

A Swift Nudge

Everyone keeps telling me to breathe. I think I might hyperventilate. Oh, yeah, I guess they meant deep breathing.

I'm trying but it's hard. The sheer volume of work I'm trying to cope with is unreal. And hormones are NOT helping! I've never been a weepy person but the teary breakdowns in my office shock me.

I am so stressed that I'm worried about my fibro flaring. My arms ache from all the typing I've been doing. That's not unusual though, I'm used to typing document after document with no problems. Hence the fibro flare-up fear. Say that three times fast! ;)

The only thing that got me through today was this awe-inspiring creature stirring inside me (and tickling me into giggles).

And then I felt it.

Flick! A little foot (I'm guessing) connecting. The first felt kick. Almost if Bean was saying, "Hey Mom, remember me? Take it easy!"

All I want to do is protect this life growing in me. But to do so, I have to protect myself.

Can I go on mat leave now?