I've been trying to get a grasp on the fear that I have about Friday. I have a growth scan to check Bean's size and her home and make sure all is it should be. Although I'm measuring 3 weeks ahead still, I'm not too worried. Enough people have shared their large baby birth stories to ease my mind, should she look to be going that route..
But it's the place where the ultrasound takes place I'm struggling with. All my ultrasounds to date have taken place in hospitals or my OB's office.
This scan is going to be at the same place where all my ultrasounds from the last pregnancy took place. All of them were awful heartbreaking experiences. The first was the one where there was no heartbeat and the measurements were two weeks behind. The second showed no change.
Maybe I'm so emotional about this because I'm coming ever closer to the date where we induced the miscarriage. Where I spent my 25th birthday in the hospital from massive hemorraging. September 4th is a hard day for me this year.
I have no rational reason to think that this scan will be anything but routine and normal. But this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. Too smoothly, the deepest parts of my mind say. I in no way want something to be wrong but I can't help the fear. I've had my heart ripped out, broken apart and pieced back together too much to not have the fear. I wish I could escape it completely, but I know until she's safely in my arms, I just can't. And then there's a whole new host of fears as a new parent. Those I know I can deal with. This is unexplicably different.
So I'm holding my breath up to and during the scan. As my insides feel like they are being rearranged, I hold ever so tightly to her, to the dream, the future.