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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Revisiting

I've been trying to get a grasp on the fear that I have about Friday. I have a growth scan to check Bean's size and her home and make sure all is it should be. Although I'm measuring 3 weeks ahead still, I'm not too worried. Enough people have shared their large baby birth stories to ease my mind, should she look to be going that route..

But it's the place where the ultrasound takes place I'm struggling with. All my ultrasounds to date have taken place in hospitals or my OB's office.

This scan is going to be at the same place where all my ultrasounds from the last pregnancy took place. All of them were awful heartbreaking experiences. The first was the one where there was no heartbeat and the measurements were two weeks behind. The second showed no change.

Maybe I'm so emotional about this because I'm coming ever closer to the date where we induced the miscarriage. Where I spent my 25th birthday in the hospital from massive hemorraging. September 4th is a hard day for me this year.

I have no rational reason to think that this scan will be anything but routine and normal. But this pregnancy has gone so smoothly. Too smoothly, the deepest parts of my mind say. I in no way want something to be wrong but I can't help the fear. I've had my heart ripped out, broken apart and pieced back together too much to not have the fear. I wish I could escape it completely, but I know until she's safely in my arms, I just can't. And then there's a whole new host of fears as a new parent. Those I know I can deal with. This is unexplicably different.

So I'm holding my breath up to and during the scan. As my insides feel like they are being rearranged, I hold ever so tightly to her, to the dream, the future.

7 comments:

IF Optimist, then... said...

Oh Lindsay sweetie, that does sound so hard and scary. Take deep breaths, remember it is merely a place, just a room -- it has no power over you or your little one. Breathe deeply and know your bloggidy friends will walk in there with you if you bring us in your heart. I'll say an extra prayer for midnight meditation on Thursday for you.

WiseGuy said...

This slippery feeling will perhaps never go away....till the time, Bean is in your arms!

I want this scan to work out just fine for you.

I cannot give you a huffy-queen-bee answer...I too tend to have this is where kind of thoughts...and I want this time to be totally different that the past.

Better future!

areyoukiddingme said...

I tend to link bad events to people rather than places, so I think that makes my life a bit easier. You know your girl is doing fine - she's still kicking you on a regular basis. It will be hard to go for the ultrasound, and the timing sucks, but maybe you can look forward to cleaning the slate and making that place have some positive associations for a change.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Hun... I think the fear is normal. When I even drive by the clinic where I had the last ultrasound for my second pregnancy I still get that sick feeling.

Focus on that sweet little bean of yours, her movements and her presence... and know that all of us out here sending prayers and good thoughts to carry you through.

Melis.sa said...

I hope the scan eases your mind and brings you some reassurance. Maybe you'll get another amazing u/s pic for her baby book?? ((HUGS))

JamieD said...

I think it is perfectly normal to have those associations and fear. I remember exactly what I wore on the days of my bad ultrasounds. For months I would pull that t-shirt out of the closet and think, "This is what I wore when we found out there was no heartbeat" or "This is what I wore when I went for my D&C." How can you not remember every detail of that day?

But this day, your memories of that u/s office will be different. Bean will give you nothing but reassurance of the good things to come.

Holding on to YOU . . .

Meg said...

Your honesty is admirable and I completely get how fearful you are. A smooth pregnancy after tragic ones is hard to accept and that is excruciating to realize, isn't it? The frailty of everyday is something you have too much experience with and it shades each day forward.

I have to tell you something. I have been crippled with fear so many days lately that Finn will not wake up or something will happen. When there are in your arms finally, you then worry they will not always be there.

I am beginning to realize that being a mother is like watching your heart travel beside you. It is scary and amazing at the same time.

I will be thinking only lovely, healthy and jumpy thoughts for you tomorrow :)