Operation "Is It A Line?" Has Commenced

I am an idiot. An idiot who is going to go completely nuts!

On a whim, I took a hpt this morning. I'm 10dpo, so wasn't expecting anything. After a minute there was nothing. I know, I should have left it longer, but I wasn't expecting anything, so if there was something, I figured it'd pop up right away.

So I had my shower.

Afterwards, I peeked. I shouldn't have. There is the faintest line there. Probably an evaporation line. EXCEPT... in all the tests I've ever done that were negative, I've never had an evap line. EVER!

Okay, permission to officially go nuts?

Tomorrow morning I'm bringing out the big guns. No dollar store tests, it's time for a good one.

Help! I think I may lose it between now and then!

Levelling Out

I've had a hot bath with lavender bubble bath and a delicious slice of german chocolate cake. Can't have a glass of wine just yet but I feel pretty good about everything all the same. R asked me if we were going to try again this cycle. Last month I had said that after this cycle we'd wait a couple of months so as to interfere with my involvement in my oldest friend's wedding (I'm in the wedding party and she knows all about our losses). But that was before when I was sure we'd get pregnant on the first try again. Since that's not the case, who knows how long it'll take and I know she'd forgive me is Fate went our way for once. So when he asked, I looked at him and said 'yes'. So here we go again...

As a side note, I see lots of blogs with two sidebars. Any idea how to get a second one? The templates on blogger all have one. And I have things I'd like to add. The artistic side of me is having a white space issue. I'm tech savvy enough and just need a little hint.

Bluffs and Lost Hands

I've been tricked. I made the mistake of being confident and my bluff was called. I laid all my cards on the table and discovered they weren't the ones I thought I had held. Suffice to say, progesterone and I need to have a little heart to heart. I'm CD2, af is here with a vengence along with all the symptoms I normally don't get, namely cramps and nausea. Still testing negative. LP was only 10 days. Temp dropped a little today but not enough to be consistent with what it normally does. I'll wait and see what happenes but I'm not holding on to any hope. If temps stay up, I'll test with a good test on Wednesday. I want to cry and wash away the tears with a good glass of wine. I have a bottle of shiraz I opened last night to use in the beef stew I made. I'd let my tears swirl amonst the red and brace myself to try again. Our 'pregnant on the first try' luck has run out. This next pregnancy will likely take a little more time. Perhaps that is a good thing. Maybe it'll make all the difference in the final outcome. One can only hope. At least in the greater scheme of things, I still do have hope, it just ran out temporarily.

Day 11. Spotting has turned into light bleeding, sort of. Damn! The witch is here? What happened to not getting af until after I stopped the progesterone? Oh, you mean I'm one of those people who actually gets their period on the damn pills? But of course I would. I'm that special...

But... my temp spiked up by ALOT today. It should have gone down if I wasn't pregnant and getting my period. In fact, my symptoms increased this morning.

I've been here before. Getting my period and actually being pregnant. In fact last May I tested on 13DPO and it was negative. Even though I was pregnant. AF or not, I'll keep testing.

The hitch comes in with the progesterone. Still trying to figure out what to do about it. I'm scared to stop takng it but if af really is here than I can't keep taking it. But if I'm also pregnant, what then? I'll wait till bedtime and make the call then.

Oh, what would my life be without a daily dose of drama?

Maybe a Little Dented, But Not Broken

OMG OMG OMG!! I am soooooo excited!

So... my GP freaked us out for no reason. My OB has seen plenty of miscarriages and chromosomal abnormalities and she's not concerned at all. She said that the trisomys only seem more rare becuase they don't test all miscarriages. So she says it's up to us but doesn't see any need for us to go through genetic counselling unless we have three unexplained miscarriages or we keep having the same chromosomal abnormalities show up. We're all pretty sure that this last pregnancy was a fluke. Things went wonky and it wasn't going to go forward. We weren't meant to hold Kenneth. And there's nothing we could or couldn't have done that would have changed the outcome.

As for my LPD, which she does agree with, she's ambivilent about treatmentt but says that if I'd like to try progresterone, she'll prescribe it for me because it can't hurt. So I have my prescription of Prometrium to fill. Here's hoping it does the trick! We have officially been given the all clear to try to conceive again!

I walked out of there feeling like the biggest of weights had been lifted off of me. I'm not broken! A little dented though and worn in. But still whole. I'm not completely f*cked up, only a tiny bit. But hey, I already knew that long time ago. :)

The Great Debate

We could throw all the caution in the world to the wind, say screw it, and decide to try again. Soon. As in now.

My darling husband is the one who started it. Yes, I'm blaming him for putting the idea into my head into the first place. After all, we've been resigning ourselves to The Wait. We've gotten comfy with it. We invited it in and ever so impatiently told it to have a seat. Offered it tea even. All a bribe for sure. Maybe after a great cup of tea, it'll give us the benefit of the doubt. Maybe even give us a break.

Two weeks away from our OB appointment and here we are considering walking into that office possibly being pregnant. Could we really? No, that isn't the question we need to ask ourselves. Afterall, we're two for two on the instantly pregnant front. The questions we should, no need to ask, is SHOULD we?

Aye, there's the rub! Our miscarriages weren't small things. They were the end of our two babies' lives. I can't and won't make light of that fact or brush it aside. It would be wrong. But...

But we could try. With my short LP, there's a pretty good chance we wouldn't even get pregnant. Or we could and we could miscarry again. What about the possible genetic issue (if in fact there is one)?

But we could win the numbers game i the biggest way imaginable. We could really win it this time. Lucky 3. It could be. You never know...

The other thing that complicates this is that I thought that this was the last cycle we could possibly try without making it difficult to be a part of AL's wedding on Oct.31 next year. However, someone reminded me that we still try the next cycle and still be okay on the timing front. Hmmm...

So where does that leave us? Do we try and risk heartbreak again? Or do we wait another couple of weeks, have our appointment, and go ahead (whenever that might be) with our Dr's blessing and support?

I think that maybe I have my answer.