Simple Joys...

- warm sun on my face

- wind that isn't so cold it freezes my hands

- a washer/dryer that works consistently now

-a small face buried into my shoulder as I walk down the street

-random cackling from K for no reason that anyone but her can discern. Did she tell herself a joke? See something funny? Remember something funny she saw? Who knows…

-Pretty things to take photos of:

Finding Where You Left Off

I didn't have the best sleep last night, so when I woke up this morning exhausted, I was pretty certain that my plan for the morning was a no-go. But, after some breakfast and a cup of coffee, I looked longingly out the windows at the brilliant blue sky, the sun bright and warming.

So I went.

In the fall, as a encouragement to help me get back into exercising, we went out and bought a new pair of runners. I paid more for them than I had planned, but when I tried them on, it was like marshmallows had been strapped to my soles. I pronate (my feet turn turn in) and need good arch support. These runners make each step like being on a spring. My back has never loved me so much.

I changed into my workout gear, laced up the runners, and threw my keys, cell phone and iPod into my jacket pockets. Outside, the air was cooler than I expected. Crisp but not cold- perfect for a run.

I walked part way up the street to warm up and then when it felt right, I picked up the pace. Each step cushioned and even, propelling me forward. I ran, finding a rythym with my breathing, relaxing into each movement. After a minute or two, I'd switch to a brisk walk until my heart rate settled and then it was back to running. For the most part I kept a 3 to 1 pace (3 walking, 1 running), which surprised me with how easy it was.

It was only 20 minutes but the time was my own and it was freeing. I hadn't been running in such a long time (2007?!?) and I think more than anything it was about reclaiming something I lost in these last three years. I lost the ability to push myself and at the same time be in tune with my body. With those steps, it was like a cleansing of sorts. When I got back to the apartment, I was tired but also energized.

Having awesome runners didn't hurt either.

Friday Date Nights and Sunny Saturdays

So I'm playing ICLW catch-up from yesterday. I was going to do my posting, reading and comments later in the day but I ended up out. R and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and went and saw Harry Pott.er.

I agree with others that they did leave stuff out and modified other parts but really, we shouldn't have been surprised, considering the length and depth of the book. I won't spoil it for anyone who wants to go see it but it really was a good movie and we enjoyed it. It was nice to have a date night. Bean enjoyed the soundtrack I think.

The only downside was having to get up and go pee about 45 minutes in the film. Not unusual these days, just annoying. Oh, and there's nothing worse that the post-movie race for the bathrooms and the line-ups that ensue. Add being 28 weeks on top of that and I dearly wish I could summon a "pregnant lady" queue on demand.

Today I spent a lovely afternoon with a friend. She and I actually met on the forum I'm on and found out we live in the same city. We bonded, commiserated really, over our shared loss experiences. They've had it rough. After 2 miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy, they recently experienced another chemical pregnancy, bringing their total to four losses. This last loss happened when I was around 15 weeks I think. My heart just breaks for them.

After weeks of juggling schedules, we were finally able to find a day we could get together. She picked me up from a central place and then we hit the road for a girls' day. We were chatting casually. She asked how I was doing and I said well. While she has been amazingly supportive during my pregnancy (she's genuinely happy for me), I always let her lead the conversation and if she wants to bring up pregnancy or babies, then we chat. Otherwise I let her be. I know how it is.

So here we are, driving along looking for the fish and chips place she wanted to take me to, when she ever so calmly replies to my inquiry on how she was doing and what was new with her. "Oh I'm great!"

"Really?" I say.

"Yeah. Especially since I'm 4 weeks pregnant today." She looks over at me a grins. I told her that I'd give her a big hug later since I didn't think it was a good ideal to tackle the driver.

I was so excited for her because her betas have been great so far. She found out at 8dpo! She's under the care of the Recurrent Loss Clinic here in Vancouver and they are just fantastic. She has her first ultrasound in two weeks and her and her husband, for the first time since they started to try for a baby, are calm about everything.

Calm is a wonderful place to be. All I can say is that in this, her fifth pregnancy, I am sending them every good vibe I can. They are such a wonderful couple and I'm so lucky to have met her, even if it was because we met on a Loss Board.

Help me out and send your good thoughts to E and J, who have gotten their miracle and now just need a little luck...


P.S. I was clicking on tags for this post, it occurred to me how rare it was to see the words "infertility" and "joys" side-by-side. Hmmmm.

A Swift Nudge

Everyone keeps telling me to breathe. I think I might hyperventilate. Oh, yeah, I guess they meant deep breathing.

I'm trying but it's hard. The sheer volume of work I'm trying to cope with is unreal. And hormones are NOT helping! I've never been a weepy person but the teary breakdowns in my office shock me.

I am so stressed that I'm worried about my fibro flaring. My arms ache from all the typing I've been doing. That's not unusual though, I'm used to typing document after document with no problems. Hence the fibro flare-up fear. Say that three times fast! ;)

The only thing that got me through today was this awe-inspiring creature stirring inside me (and tickling me into giggles).

And then I felt it.

Flick! A little foot (I'm guessing) connecting. The first felt kick. Almost if Bean was saying, "Hey Mom, remember me? Take it easy!"

All I want to do is protect this life growing in me. But to do so, I have to protect myself.

Can I go on mat leave now?

The Same Old Song

On the eve of my 4 month, 16 week milestone, I think I've come to realize how much miscarriage screws you up mentally.

With the last pregnancy, soon after we found out we were pregnant, I did up a budget for the rest of the pregnancy and my mat leave, so we could see where we were at and make sure we could set aside some money. R is a grad student who doesn't make a lot of $ and I do alright, but when I lose 45% of my income, we have to really make sure we've got all our ducks in a row.

Suffice to say, that when we got pg this time, we hadn't planed anything. Frankly, even up to my 14 wk appt, I was still shocked to find out the baby was still alive! Now, all of a sudden it's hitting me and we're starting to freak out that we're not ready. I know it's normal, but I think having gone through 2 m/cs has really affected how we process everything. I've felt Bean move but I still can't quite connect that motion to the reality of a live baby. It concerns me a little. I want to feel attached, and most of time I do, but the "dead baby thoughts" are always sitting in the farthest reaches of my mind waiting for a bad day to come out and make me worry. For three days I had felt nothing. No tickles. Nothing to reassure me that Bean was still okay. I have to admit to having mild moments of panic.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy this! Sure enough, this morning Bean reminded me that everything was okay. Several times. In fact, very active. Actually, as I typed that last sentence, Bean said hi again.

I don't think pregnancy will ever be "normal" for me. But I guess I can take solace in this tiny creature's presence who already has turned my world upside down. Where before I had sung sad ballads to break a heart, a new tune is being composed, moment by moment.

(cue hormonal tears)

Hello, is that you?

I am being tickled from the inside out. It is truly the most bizarre feeling I have ever felt. It's almost like having an itch. I'll go to strach my belly and then realize it not my skin!

Bean just saying hello.

So, the Verdict is...

Bean is ALIVE!!

I couldn't believe it. There was still a baby in me with a heart beat! Don't know what the rate was but we heard it on the doppler. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. So amazing.

But we first saw Bean on the ultrasound. S/he was napping in the most peculiar position: Head resting on the placenta with the body dangling off at about a 70 degree angle. lol. So funny. We 'd see an arm or hand move now and again but I guess s/he was just too tired to play with us.

Have another OB appt in 4 weeks and shortly after that will be the anatomy scan, where we will get a photo. I didn't have enough in my bladder to get a really clear image, so no picture today. But the image of Bean facing us is etched in my brain.

I'm on the diclec.tin for awhile longer but my OB said to give it to 16 weeks before worrying about being stuck with nausea the entire pregnancy.

As I look down at my very obvious belly, I feel something I haven't felt in a long time: true, sincere contentment.

And now I want to cry. Damn hormones!

Drifting

I had two posts I started and planned to publish last week. I obviously never did. I suppose the simple reason is that I've been too tired. Work has been so crazy I had mild breakdown over it last week. Everyone keeps telling me to make sure I don't get stressed and to take care of myself. But there's not a whole lot of people stopping what they're doing to help me with the three jobs-in-one that I do. It'll get better in the next weeks but for now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. Spending most of my time in front of a computer means that I have very little interest in spending my evenings in front of one.

But despite that, I'm doing okay. The nausea which appeared to be letting up a little has decided that it will return even more gung-ho than before! In fact, I threw up today at work. I thought I was long past that, but what the hell do I know. I do have to say that it does make me a little happy because I know Bean is doing alright then. Not having a way to gage things since my last ultrasound, it's hard not to get worried from time to time. That being said, I'd really prefer not to be sick my entire pregnancy.

This last week was also interesting in that now most people at work know. I even told a few people about our losses. Usually it's in response to the "you must be so excited" comments. Of course I'm excited but...

How do you explain to people that your heart is cautious. That although you feel this incredible joy, you secretly are still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I sometimes wonder if pregnancy will ever be the full experience that people talk about. Maybe, one day. I keep thinking that I just need to make the next milestone and then all will be well. But there are so many milestones that you could constantly be on hold waiting to be happy. Don't get me wrong I am VERY happy. Some days, I just can't wipe the smirk off my face. Those days of course are the ones where my stomach actually likes food.

I have a feeling that feeling Bean move for the first time will help this feel more real- like it'll actually happen.

Or maybe tomorrow. We have our next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon. We're hoping to hear Bean's heart beat! And maybe if we're lucky, we'll get another ultrasound and maybe a picture?

Got the Picture, But a Thousand Words Will Never Be Enough

"So what's your story my dear?"

"We've had two miscarriages and are looking to see if everything is okay with this one."

"Well let's take a look. I'll take some measurements, then go see the Dr, and then come back and show you."

Warm gel. Love that it's warm. It made my full bladder not so uncomfortable. The tech slowly moved the probe over my abdomen, taking her measurements. Ryan is sitting in a chair beside me holding my hand. We joked with her here and there. She was super nice and talkative.

"Well I lied, I don't need to go talk to the Dr. I see a little munchkin in there and there is a heartbeat."

What? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Are you sure this isn't some cruel joke?

Bean measures 8 weeks just like I knew s/he should and has a perfect strong heartbeat of 166 (normal range is 120-180).

We got pictures. Just working on the scanner and I'll post when I can.

I really have few words. Too stunned really. Still trying to come to grips with the fact that we might actually get to be parents in Oct. It's almost like a dream.

One I never want to wake up from.

Thank you all for your support. I really don't know how I would have made it through these last weeks without all of you cheering me on. It means more than you can know. Or maybe you do.

The Truth Unfolds and I'm Scared

I'm sobbing. I mean huge fat tears such that I can barely see what I'm typing.

I know it's harder to see but it's there and it came up almost intstantly. Thanks DB for encouraging me to try another test. Gotta love 1st Repsonse.

I'm laughing too. I'm sobbing and laughing and I can't stop.

I'm terrified to try this again.

Please little one, don't break my heart this time.

NOTE: If I know you IRL (in real life), I'm begging you to help me keep this a secret until I know things are going to be okay. Thank you.