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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Four Days Off and a "Bump"

Well I'm back. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to have four days off. I got to watch my hubby compete. I can't tell you how proud I am of him! His quartet came Fifth (of nine groups) and his chorus came Fourth (of 8 groups)! They got some great feedback that they can use to improve.

I went to the competition with my in-laws. It was great to spend time with them. I am very fortunate that I get along so well with them. Friday was even a decent day. I thought I'd be all melancholy, but somehow I still enjoyed myself. Ryan even remembered about Kenneth without me reminding him. I think we dealt with it in our own quiet way.

A great extra-long weekend was had by all. I didn't even mind when, at a Sunday dinner get-together with some of R's family and their friends, I was outed...

One lady (whom I adore), looked straight at me and said, "So Lindsay, when are you due". I proceeded to blush three shades of red before telling everyone October 15th. Her daugther, said, "What she's preggers? How can you tell?". She then replied, "you can just tell". Well there you have it.

There is a simple reason I think she guessed it is that I've "popped". Already. I got into the shower on Friday, looked down and went "bloody hell, where the heck did that come from?!?" I look pregnant. People who know me notice. Heck, a lady in a purse shop asked me when I was due. Do you know how awkward that question is at 11 weeks? Especially when you haven't even announced it to most people? BUT I had a feeling this would happen. I have a very short torso and the baby has no where to go but out. Straight out. I'm going to be huge.

And I don't mind.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Time Flying

Is it Wednesday already??!!?? :O

I can't seem to keep up these days. Time is flying by! Work is crazy but it's starting to really evolve into something interesting. Time will tell how it goes but I'm very conscious of how work stress will affect my pregnancy. I know that stress can trigger my fibro so I want to be very careful not to overdo things and cause a flare-up, expecially since my body is dealing with so much else.

Friday will be an interesting day. On one hand, I'm excited because R and I are going away for a four-day long weekend. He has a singing competition not too far from where his family lives. So I'm going along. It will be nice to visit with his family. It's the first time we've seen them since we got pregnant, so it will be nice to share this together. We told them awhile ago but we haven't told the extended family on either side just yet. Another week.

However, Friday also marks another important day. Kenneth's due date. The day he was supposed to have been born. I would love to say that it's not that difficult, but I'd be lying. I know 3 people all due within the next week and a bit. It's so hard to wrap my mind around being 11 weeks pregnant when I know I should be giving birth soon (or already have).

But I'm trying not to get caught up in the what-ifs. What matters is that this pregnancy is going better for a change.

So Friday will come and I will think of Kenneth wistfully. I've already passed the point where I miscarried him so from here on out I'm in completely uncharted waters.

I'm looking for some smooth sailing.

(if you don't hear from me tomorrow, I'll be back on Monday- have a great weekend everyone!)

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Little of This, a Little of That

So lo and behold, I go away for the weekend and come back to find out I missed the start of ICLW! Crap! Oh well, guess I have some commenting to make up, but not tonight. I feel like crap and am really tired.

Hopefully by morning I'll be feeling better. After some confusion witht the prescription I finally have my proper supply of Dic.lectin. It is amazing! I had a two day supply to tide me over until they could fill the full prescription but I didn't have it for most of the weekend. Boy could I tell the difference. Had only my afternoon dose so far, so it hasn't fully done the trick. But I know by morning it'll be all great.

I can't believe how good food tastes when you don't feelingl ike throwing it up all the time. Sorry, graphic I know, but last week was not fun. Hence my non-posting.

Had a great weekend with my parents. It was really nice to spend time with both of them and just take it easy. They are pretty excited about this baby and just being around that helps me feel more confident in being excited.

It's definitely spring now. Today was lovely. I came home to find that I finally have some bulbs blooming. One crocus and some pansies that survived being crushed under a snow several times.

My flowers are thriving despite some difficult odds. Sound familiar?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

10 Little Fingers

Sometimes, you just have to listen to your heart. You need to brush aside the web of fear and let hope shine through.

Too sappy and melodramatic perhaps?

Maybe, but there are few words to describe the emotions rolling through me as we watched Bean bounce around like a nut, making it difficult for my OB to get a heart rate. But the heart fluttered so beautifully.

She did a vaginal ultrasound, so we got to see so much detail. Bean measured 2.33 cm making my date of 9wks 5 days bang on. My self-prescribed due date of Oct.15 was confirmed. I got a prescription for my nausea which I'l be picking up tomorrow. Can't wait to start feeling somewhat normal again.

The most amazing part was seeing Bean's fingers. Tiny little digits I can't even imagine being so tiny. My OB said that while we may not want to shout it to the world just yet, but things are looking really positive. We could make plans for future tests and scans. And make further appointments. Both my OB (whom I absolutely love!) and her asistant kept telling us Congratulations.

It's been a year since we first started trying to have a baby. I'm 10 weeks tomorrow. 2 more weeks and then we can share our news.

By golly, I think we've got ourselves a baby!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Manic Monday Reigns Again

Just a quick post today.

Only stayed at work till Noon today. Felt so ill, I could barely keep anything down this morning. On top of the all-day sickness I'm fighting the crazy bug that's going around our office. Just great, because while my co-workers stayed at home for days hopped up on gravol and other meds, I can't take any of the stuff I'd want to.

Finally lost what was left of breakfast around 10. So I finished a crucial document I was working on and went home. Slept for 3 hours this afternoon and now R is making dinner while I watch Dan.cing with the Stars in the Eastern time zone (love digital cable!). I'm already ready for bed.

Tomorrow I pop into work briefly for a meeting, then R and I meet up for our OB appointment. Then back to work for the rest of the day.

Wish us luck! Hopefully we get to see Bean again!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Show and Tell: Mad Creative Wedding Endeavours

So I thought for this week's Show and Tell I'd show you all just how obsessive my creative compulsions can be...

I made my own wedding invitations.

Yes, that's right, 60 some odd handmade invites. I had the printed parts done at a print house for a great price. The green cover was made from art paper and cut out carefully using exacto knives and a template I made. I had a friend come over to help me one day. She now exclaims to everyone that although she thought the invites were exquisite, she would never make her own. I also know that if she ever did change her mind, I would be the first person she called to help. Ah, reciprocity.

Suffice to say, I could have used a kit and it would have cost less. But I had this design in my head and didn't see anything else I liked nearly as much that I could afford. These invites are alot like my wedding- elegant, dramatic and creative.

I used a paper punch on the flap of the envelope. The green of the invite shows through. On the front, I hand wrote the addresses with a calligraphy pen.

The front cover and what you see when you open it...

The package: A black piece of paper was glued to the inside cover. Two holes were punched through the invite and the cover and tied with organza ribbon.
The right side is actually one side cut at an angle with funky scissors and then glued along the bottom to create a pocket. The RSVP and envelope are tucked in the pocket along with a strip with our wedding website printed on it.
Our RSVP card.
Despite the work involved, I'm very proud of my creation and would do it again in a heartbeat.
Now hop over to Mel's and check out what sparks of creativity are flying in the classroom...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Like a Tonne of Bricks

It was like being thrown against a wall. A very hard wall.

Got a phone call last night. R was out. I answered as it wasn't a strange 800 or 888 number. I should have left it.

Some lady called me from Heritage RESPs to talk to me about governement grants and bonds for my baby's education. Huh. Which baby is she talking about. I of course understood that she was talking about Kenneth. My breath caught in my throat.

She asked me if I have had my baby yet.

I told her no. She asked me when I'm due. I say mid-October. Confused silence ensues...

"But I have April 5th down".

"Well that's wrong since we had a loss".

"Oh. I'm so sorry."

I proceed to tell her that we're newly pregnant and not even close to being ready to deal with something like this. She was very sweet and said she understood and that she'd call closer to October.

I just hope by then there's still a baby to plan an edcuation for.

Kenneth's due date was supposed to be March 27th. It's coming up so fast. If she hadn't called, it would have snuck up on me. I guess I'm prepared for it now.

After she hung up, I cried. Not a lot, but the overwhelming sadness caught me so hard I could barely breathe. It passed after a minute and then I was fine.

I realized that being pregnant again doesn't change anything. They're still gone. These dates will always be there.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Old Fears

I'm feeling slightly panicky. I should stop reading the forum I'm on for awhile. It's making me freak out.

It's all statistics. 20-25% of the ladies in my Birth Club will experience a miscarriage. I know and can accept it. It's just that a missed miscarriage is my greatest fear. I hear about women who had a heartbeat one week and then the baby dies. There have been several women in the last few days who have had miscarriages. Many around the same place I am right now.

I'm so scared for Bean. I just want to continue being happy. I'm almost in tears right now (damn hormones)!

In my heart I know Bean is fine.

I just don't know how to turn off my mind.

I just need to make it to Tuesday. We have our first prenatal appointment with my OB. Hopefully she can do a quick ultrasound to check on Bean. I may have to get hormonal and demanding if she says no. :) But she's pretty great so hopefully she can ease my fears.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

You Are Getting Very Sleepy...

I feel really bad. I was supposed to be reading everyone's Baren Bitches Book Tour posts. But I can't.

I am SO tired everyday that I'm ready for bed before dinner. Heck, I'm ready to go back to bed not long after I got up. I can barely function! How do people work full-time when they are pregnant??!!??

I promise to read book club posts and catch up on everyone's news soon. I just need to be able to read more than a few sentences before my eyes start to droop.

Imagine if I had gone for the nausea med after all. It's supposed to make you tired. Right, there's a winning combination.

Someone remind me that this will get better, please? 12 weeks or so, right? I'm only 9 weeks tomorrow (!). It's going to be a long few weeks.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Urban Dictionary

My friend Dave came across this site (where do you find these things anyway?): urbandictionary.com. Interesting what you find when you type in your name...

Here's what came up for Lindsay:

1.a girl who is hotter than the flames of hell
2. the marvelous and mysterious temptress from the land of eternal joy
3. a girl who is smarter than albert einstein but as gorgeous as Helen of Troy (you know the one whose beauty started the epic war)
4. this girl is in NO way affiliated with Lindsay Lohan. Lohan simply stole this girl's name.

See that smoking hot amazing girl over there? Yep, she's a Lindsay.

As for accuracy, well, you know... ;)

Monday, March 09, 2009

Barren Bitches Book Tour 17 Barren: Never Let Me Go

This Tour of the Barren Bitches Book Brigrade had us read Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. I think I should warn you that this post could reveal info about the book that may spoil the surprise. Or maybe it will intrigue you further into reading the book. Who knows. But if you don't want the spoilers, stop reading now...

"One thing that struck me while reading the book is that the characters seem very passive. Although certain knowledge is withheld from them along the way, and they do have questions, they do not really rebel or protest their fate, or try to escape. They seem quite accepting of the future that has been laid out for them. Why do you think this is so?"

I think part of this is the fact that they don't have all the information. After all, they are children and then adolescents who are growing up in a sheltered environment. They are in the care of Guardians whom they trust implicitly. I don't know about anyone else, but as a child, I may have been curious about the world around me, but my life was my life. I never considered that it could be something different than it already was.

But I don't think that they never rebelled or protested. I think of Ruth and their expedition to seek out her Possible. Ruth did dream of a life that was different and even went so far as to see if it was somehting she may have been destined for. The fact that she didn't pursue it later doesn't negate the fact that the impulse was there in the first place.

If you knew with certainty that you had a child with a shortened life expectancy, would you raise the child any differently? For example, are there certain experiences you'd want to ensure that they had? Are there things that you wouldn't bother to make them do (flossing? eat healthy foods? go to school?) since they wouldn't have the same long-term impact as they would for other children? Would it make a difference in your parenting if you knew exactly at what age the child was expected to die as opposed to a general sense of foreshortened lifespan?

What a difficult question! The truth is, I don't know. I don't think that this is something you could really wrap your mind around or figure out unless you were actually in this position. At this point for me, I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that I'll have a child, let a lone how long that child's life could be. I think about my parents raising a child with cancer and I wonder how they might have grappled with this question. They didn't know until much later on that he for sure wouldn't make it. But there must have been the reality all the way along. I don't think they raised him any differently than they did us.

Would knowing when help? Maybe. Maybe it would help you to help your child make the most of the time they had. Or, maybe it would instill fear and/or panic, which would make those last days/ weeks/ months almost unbearable.

If you were a student a Hailsham, would you have wanted to know your ultimate destiny as a Donor? Why or why not? How do you think knowing at that point in your life would have affected you? Does this desire to know your outcome apply to your own real life? In what situations do you find knowledge helpful? At what times can it be detrimental?

This was my question. In many ways, it's the flip of the previous question I answered. But I find it easier. Answering whether you would want to know your fate or not at that age has a lot to do with your beliefs. Are you a person who believes in self-determination or do you believe in an ultimate Fate? For myself, I believe that I am meant to go through certain things in my life and achieve a certain outcome. How I get there and in what condition is completely up to me. I am a person who seeks knowledge. I like having info as it helps me make sense of an often confusing world. However, I do think knowing that kind of information at such a young age that your life would be shorter than most could be a little detrimental. There's a small period in our lives of innocence, it would a shame to see it grow even shorter.

Now hop a long here and check out what others had to say about this interesting and poignant book.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Cooking for the Soul: Edition 2- Mac & Cheese Casserole

Today's post does double-duty. It's Show and Tell and it's the second edition of my 'cooking from scratch' series. To know what I'm talking about, check out Edition 1.

Today's dinner is a classic comfort food growing up. My Mom made this casserole from scratch and let me tell you, KD's got nothing on this! It's the mixture of a super creamy sauce that while isn't rich in cheese taste, it actually does taste like real cheese and not some chemically, powdery cheese mix. (Although, I confess that with these cravings, some days KD sounds really good!) I created this recipe with a basic recall of what she used to put in it.

To start you'll need to make a Bechamel Sauce. Huh? What? Bechamel is a classic white sauce used in many, many dishes. I modified mine to make sure I got the consistency I needed. Just a note, that a traditional bechamel uses onion or garlic but I've omitted it. If you look up recipes, you'll see what they do with it if you want to add it.

1/4 cup butter or margarine
1/4 cup of flour
3 cups of milk
3 cups grated cheese (sharp Cheddar, Monterrey jack, Gouda- use one or a mix- play, have fun!)
1 tsp salt (or to taste)
1 tbsp ground pepper
1/2 tbsp paprika
2 cups dried macaroni (or other shaped pasta), cooked and drained
2 cups diced ham (I use a ham steak and heat it briefly in a pan to cut the final cooking time down)
1- 1 1/2 cups frozen peas
2 cups cubed whole wheat/ grain bread
3 tbsp butter or margarine

Preheat oven to 375 F.

1. Melt butter in a saucepan on medium-low heat. Add flour and whisk constantly. Cook the roux for a few minutes. Add milk and whisk until incorporated. Heat until hot, stirring occasionally. Take off heat.
2. Add cheese and whisk until well mixed. Stir in salt, pepper and paprika.
3. In a large casserole dish put in pasta, peas and ham. Stir in cheese sauce.
4. In a frying pan, melt the last amount of butter. Add cubed bread and stir until well coated.
5. Cover casserole with bread.
6. Bake in oven until bubbly and bread is toasted brown (about 15-20 mins).

Another simple home cooked meal from my home to yours. Enjoy!

Check out what cooking at other's bloggers' homes here.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Got the Picture, But a Thousand Words Will Never Be Enough

"So what's your story my dear?"

"We've had two miscarriages and are looking to see if everything is okay with this one."

"Well let's take a look. I'll take some measurements, then go see the Dr, and then come back and show you."

Warm gel. Love that it's warm. It made my full bladder not so uncomfortable. The tech slowly moved the probe over my abdomen, taking her measurements. Ryan is sitting in a chair beside me holding my hand. We joked with her here and there. She was super nice and talkative.

"Well I lied, I don't need to go talk to the Dr. I see a little munchkin in there and there is a heartbeat."

What? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Are you sure this isn't some cruel joke?

Bean measures 8 weeks just like I knew s/he should and has a perfect strong heartbeat of 166 (normal range is 120-180).

We got pictures. Just working on the scanner and I'll post when I can.

I really have few words. Too stunned really. Still trying to come to grips with the fact that we might actually get to be parents in Oct. It's almost like a dream.

One I never want to wake up from.

Thank you all for your support. I really don't know how I would have made it through these last weeks without all of you cheering me on. It means more than you can know. Or maybe you do.


Tomorrow afternoon, everything changes, for better or for worse.
If I wasn't so sick to my stomach, I'd be a wreck right now.
Did the one thing today I was trying to avoid: Throwing up at work...
It necessitated coming clean with my boss a couple days earlier than anticipated. In an office of 75% women, the chances of being in the loo alone are small. I lucked out once, I didn't think I'd be that lucky again.
Our meeting went well. She's very supportive and understanding. She was also pretty excited for me. She knows about the last two failed pregnancies and is very hopeful for this time. I'm glad I told her. It sure beats have to hide it constantly from her considering her office is next to mine.
Now only if I can actually eat a substantial amount of food, all would be well. Someone commented that I looked like I've lost weight in the last little while- my face is thinner. Um, aren't I supposed to be gaining not losing? Only Time and THE SCALE will tell...

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The First Sprouts of a Season

Right now, the sun has sunk beneath the horizon and the lines of the Gulf Islands. The sky is riddled with different cloud formations and is streaked with peach, magenta and violet. The air is crisp this evening but during the day it was warm and moist.

The spring rain has settled in. The kind that starts and stops unpredictability.

My bulbs are doing their thing. The crocuses are making their way and surprisingly, some of my tulips (?) have made leaps in terms of growth. Must be a couple early bulbs.

There's something magical about the arrival of spring here in this green lush home of mine. Although we seem to be prone to freak snowfalls as of late, you can feel the change in the air. We leave our window in the bedroom open at night. I love fresh air flowing. It helps me sleep. Some people don't like hearing the noise from the street but in an odd way, the sounds of the Skytrain coming to and from the station, the cars on the street and the occasional siren from an emergency vehicle all serve as an urban lullaby, soothing in it's own strange way.

Spring, a time of beginnings.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

T-3 Days

I keep waiting for the panic to settle in. 3 days out and I'm amazed at how truly awful I feel. I would love nothing more than to sleep through the next few weeks until this nausea goes away. However, I have noticed that things are still progessing. A tiny new symptom here or one I had before that's increasing. It calms and reassures me.

I can't wait to see Bean! I just want the opportunity to move forward in happiness for once.

No panic, just calm. Maybe even a smile?

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Show and Tell: Searching for the Pot of Gold

As often happens with these Show and Tell posts, I have no idea what I'll show or tell until I click New Post and start typing. Sometimes I'll shuffle through the photos on my computer until one clicks. That's what happened tonight.

I should clarify the next part of this post by explaining something first. Today was one of those days where you do something impulsive and wonder if it's going to come back and bite you in the *ss. I was quickly reassured that it wouldn't. Long story short, my Mom got the link to my blog from the episode resulting in this post. But for some odd reason the link wouldn't let her read any of my recent posts. So I decided to give her the link to my blog.

Now I know some of you are thinking Is she crazy? But you have to understand how deep and close the relationship with my Mom is. We are born 25 years apart to the day. I'm her little birthday present. :) That bond has been there throughout my life.

So giving her the URL to my blog this morning may have been impulsive but it felt right. This afternoon I got an email from her. It made me smile. Well, it also made me a little emotional to tell you the truth. She was talking about some of the stuff I wrote in this post, some of which I had never told her. It wasn't that I was trying to hide stuff from her, but more that how do you begin some of these conversations?
Suffice to say, my blog did it for me. And her response was touching. And since I know she'll be reading this post, I'll say "Hi Mom, Love you!".

Which brings us to my show for the week...

When I saw this photo I thought about all these childhood memories I have. Some people wish they could escape adulthood and be a kid again. Me? Not a chance. I loved my childhood, as crazy and dramatic as it was but I really don't have any desire to re-live any of it.

As hard as some of these recent years have been I have come to like where I am in my life. Granted I could do without the diagnosis of a chronic illness and losing two babies but this is where I am. I like being "grown up". I feel I can appreciate things in life and the world around me so much more than I could have as a child or teenager. I respect it for all it's whirlwind, insane and profound nature.

And yet, I know all of us have moments of wistfulness where we wish we could go back to a simpler time in our lives where our cares were few and our dreams big. I find my dreams just as big these days, but as for cares, well, I don't think we have enough time for that list.

Suffice to say, as I move forward this week to our ultrasound on Thursday and this pregnancy is deemed viable or not, I'll be thinking of simpler times where dreams really could come true. For me, it's the time before D, my brother, died. A time when we were free to just be kids. This was before the cancer came back the last time, before the hospital visits and the knowledge that our time together wouldn't be the lifetime we always imagined we'd have as siblings. This time of ours was fun and in a small way carefree. But you want to know what's funny? At this moment, I can't recall an individual memory that stands out. But I don't think that's the point. I think the fact that I can remember a time of pure innocent happiness is enough. It's always enough. As I converse with my Mom these days, I realize that sometimes we have to take those times and build them back into the present. And the future too. So I'll dream dreams over the rainbow and whatever else come to mind and hope for the best.

Do you have a childhood dream or fantasy that you cling to to help you through the realities of adulthood? Is it a single memory or just the people you were with?
On your way down Memory Lane, stop by Mel's and see what others are reminiscing about...