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Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Recognizing the Truth

What I want so desperately is to believe that this will work again. I hate being in the tww (two week wait) this time. Not because I am impatient to test (though I am) but because before, I knew. Before, I had this unflappable notion that I was pregnant. The first time too. Now it's masked by doubt and fear. I can't seem to read my body. I blame the progesterone for maybe masking side-effects as pregnancy symptoms when really, the real culprit, is fear.

I'm scared to be pregnant again.

The first pregnancy had a specific set of symptoms. And I started to miscarry Alex without ever having gotten a positive home pregnancy test. The second pregnancy, though, was different. Everything was different. My symptoms were stronger, I never got my period. I felt pregnant and co-workers who knew said I glowed with happiness. It was going to be different. Then we lost Kenneth.

The only thing different about another pregnancy will be if I actually end up with a baby. There's no way to know if that will happen (oh, Magic Glass Ball, where are you?). I'm hopeful, and I mean truly optimistic. All the same, I'm scared sh*tless.

I've been nauseas all day. I can eat food but there's always this unsettled feeling in me. Drinking lots of cold water helps. It did last time too.

(Oh, and if you're reading this IRL (in real life) you are hereby sworn to secrecy. I beg you.)

4 comments:

bunny said...

the tww can be psychological torture- and the reality of a pregnancy can be really scary too- 9 more months of worry.

be good to yourself. sending you positive thoughts.

areyoukiddingme said...

Take a couple deep breaths and try to wash away the doubt and fear. Then just try to distract yourself for a while.

I tagged you for a photo treasure hunt...see my blog for details. Maybe that will help with the distraction.

Kim said...

I really hope that after all this worry you get exactly what you are hoping for. Thinking many positive thoughts for you. Ugh, 2ww sucks!

mlr said...

hoping you found a good book to distract you the rest of the wait ;-)