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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Slowing it down...

I was walking home from the bus this afternoon, enjoying the amazing sight of the the sun brilliantly shining through layers of deep dark grey-black clouds. The sun was almost blinding . It felt warm on a day that has been cold and damp.

Last night, Ryan and I went to Oakridge to see a movie. Watched The Golden Compass and had a wonderful evening. At the bus stop waiting to go home we got into a an interesting debate about metaphysics. The bus came and we continued talking. Got off the bus and chatted till we got back to our block. As we neared the house I steered him past the house and asked if he minded continuing our walk and conversation. It was a beautiful warm star-filled night and so we walked for another half an hour. The discussion was fascinating, and ironic. I mean, here we were, a skeptical scientist and a spiritual metaphysical artist, debating the finer points of proving the unknown and unseen.

What struck me about these two events are how time seemed to stall for awhile and how I managed to simply "be". I'd forgotten how wonderfully fulfilling it is. Maybe it surprises me so much because we just don't allow ourselves to go there often enough. As I sat down to write this I was astonished to think that on Tuesday, the month will be half over already. Where did it go? What have I done? I mean, I know things have happened and I participated in life, but if that's truly true, why does the passage of time surprise me so often?

Maybe it's because I'm at a point in my life where I am thinking beyond my own life to that of the next generation, to being parents sometime in the future. When you put yourself into that perspective, it's hard to separate individual days or weeks with the years that pass you by. I think I'd like to see this year go by a little slower. Not that time itself will change, just my perception of it. How I'll do this, I don't know. Maybe simply getting back into documenting the simply ordinary occurrences will be enough, or maybe it will require more.

Either way, I've set this goal in hopes that all the things I have planned for or hope for this year will not just happen but stick with me and make lasting impressions. In the end I just want to know that I've lived each moment as fully as possible. It's something I think I missed at times last year. Experiencing this idea fully on our wedding day put everything into perspective for me. I mean, that dya, that weekend, even though it was a whirl-wind, I can remember each moment. I look at our photos and I can tell you the story of our wedding.

That's how most days should be. That's how I intend for them to be from now on. Or in the very least, I'll try.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

I've been taking stock of last year and trying to decide what it is most I want out of this new one . In figuring that out, I took a little trip down memory lane...

Last year started out with sadness when my Grandfather died. I didn't anticipate how hard his death would hit me. We'd never been close but at my cousin's wedding the previous August I got to spend some time with him, time I will always treasure.

But after that sad start, things started to look better. I started working out with a personal trainer, Andy, a funny guy from Brisbane Australia who was never afraid to give me a kick in the butt when I needed it. From Andy I learned that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for and that when it came to my Fibro, I often was my own enemy. By June, I had lost 15 pounds and two dress sizes and I had never felt better. I was finally feeling like my body fit the person on the inside. I knew there was a slimmer person in there somewhere.

I started the year in my second semester at a Langara. There, I felt in my element, easily engaging with my instructors and classmates. I also started a drawing class, where something amazing happened for me... I learned that despite my trepidation and previous negative experiences, I could actually draw, and not too badly if I do say so myself. I may not have gotten the highest marks in the class but what I walked away with a confidence in my artisitc abilities that I hadn't had before.

Much of the year was spent planning the wedding. In the end, every detail, every issue, all the time and energy invested was well worth it. September 22nd was one of the most amazing days of my life (so far). It was everything we had hoped and dreamed it would be and more. I never felt more relaxed and more confident every. Standing there with Ryan and sharing those vows was an incredibly powerful experience. I highly recommend it ;)

September also saw me start at UBC. I was so excited to have gotten in. I was also very nervous to try university again. At first, it was okay, but I never really got into the groove. I was never really happy with the overall experience.

I was sick for awhile in October and November and then there was the whole pregnancy debacle. Having a little perspective on the whole year, I can see that my not going back to school and choosing my art over a "real career" was inevitable. I had been feeling that crucial part missing in my life.

That brings me to today. I haven't felt this confident about my decisions for a long time. Now, this year, is the year we put all our plans into action.

As early as March, Ryan and I are moving out of this hideous rental situation back into an aprtment, with building management. We've found a wonderful community in Collingwood Village that has 5 rental properties by a well known developer. Most of the two bedrooms are within our new budget (with my new income), come with a dishwasher and most have a balcony or patio. One building even has in-suite laundry, but we'll see whether or not we can afford it. There are some suites available right now, but we've got to have time to give notice, so we'll put ourselves on the waitlists and wait for the one to come available.

Meanwhile, on the personal front, I've found myself in the same place I did this time last year and I'm not liking it one bit! All that hard work to lose the weight and have a fitter body, and I'm right back where I started. It was pretty apparent in the mirror the other day that the time I've spent away from the gym has left me worse for wear. But no more! I'm going back to the gym and cutting out all the crap in my diet. I'm going to lose what I've regained and go one step further and reach my goal weight/body fat.

So here's to plans for the future and the good things they bring. Happy New Year!