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Sunday, May 25, 2008

New Season, New Beginning

Summer has finally arrived! Well, actually, I think it really arrived last weekend and it's just decided to stick around. This weekend has been beautiful, just like the last weekend. When we were in Kelowna last week, it was 30 degress and I even managed to get a little bit of colour wihtout burning. Always a bonus. Yay for Vitamin D!

Think we might go out this afternoon across the street to the field with our beach blanket and relax in the sun and read or something. Not up for much else. Had a scary moment this morning because the bleeding has intensified like crazy. But couple that with feeling a little bitchy yesterday and I think I've just gotten my period a week earlier than expected. There's nothing more discouraging than knowing it all started on the 5th and it's still going.

Ryan and I finally came to blows so to speak over the situation and finally really talked about everything on friday night. He was avoiding thinking about it becuase he really didn't understand what was happening to me. I was blunt and maybe a little uncaring in the way I did it, but I've been in so much emotional pain that I needed him to understand the reality of what a miscarriage means physically and emoitionally. I had to explain the trauma of watching everyday the reamins of what should have been our child leave my body. Once he understood that, we were able to come to grips on the situation together. We're okay now and we talk about it, which is the biggest step. It's no longer just me doing the talking. We're finally in this together again.

And at the same time I finally allowed the grief to hit me and I just broke down and cried. It was... freeing and healing. I'm not "better" all of a sudden, but I am better than I was. I can laugh and have a good time with people even if I'm not as social and bubbly as I normally am. Still coping, but I'm glad things are almost over with and I can finally move on. What a relief. The next month is all about slowly getting my life back on track. I want to get back into my fitness routine (not working out is driving me crazy!) and eat really well. I want to start getting my weight back to a healthy level again.

Time for a new start. After all, As Claire reminded me: Anything is Possible...

Saturday, May 24, 2008


Today was a a better day. Especially compared to yesterday. The pain was such that I could barely walk or sit up. I called the Dr's office to sees if my test results were in. There were and I was asked to come in (which confirmed the result for me right there) and that I might need an ultrasound.

So I (slowly) made my way downtown and waited about ten minutes before I saw my doctor. I walked into his office and he told me that my suspicions were correct, I was pregnant (duh). And that the bleeding would indicate I was miscarrying (double duh). But what I didn't know was that my hcg ("pregnancy hormone") levels were normal. I registered at 436 which puts me at 3-4 weeks pregnant. But that was as of Tuesday and I've been miscarrying for probably a week and a half (maybe) and the levels would have been slowly dropping from their peak.

In the end, he didn't send me for the ultrasound. I don't think I could have handled it; it would have put me over the edge. My first ultrasound should only happen when I'm actually pregnant! But he figured that I was too far along in the miscarriage and not far enough in the pregnancy for anything to turn up. Whew! (I think...)

Been off work the rest of the week. Too much pain yesterday and today, while it's lessened, it's not gone. More positive today, but been a little lonely. Normally when I'm stressed or sad, a workout helps, but I'm not even allowed to do that!

My world has momentarily shattered. But I'm putting it back together, one piece and one day at a time.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Another Day

I was hoping today would be a little better. Boy was I wrong! The slight cramping I had been having for the last couple of days broke out into outright pain. By the afternoon, it was uncomfortable to sit upright or walk around too much.

Went in to work this morning even though I really didn't want to. But I felt obligated to work on the millions of things that I have going on. But I ran into my manager in the elevator on the way up and told her that I wasn't doing well and was in pain and she basically sent me home. I was there until 9am and then went home. Off tomorrow too. Just need time to heal physically and emotionally.

I'm being positive (most of the time), but also allowing myself to fell the entire ranfe of emotions that roll through me. And Ryan's there for me even though he struggles to comprehend what I'm going through.

As always, time and love are the greatest healers.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Trying to Cope and Be Positive

Well, I don't know what to think or feel right now as my mind is running rampant and my emotions are all over the place.

In the last week of April, I had the strangest bout of nausea and was certain (and I mean absolutely certain) that I was pregnant. But on the Sunday, it suddenly disappeared and the next morning I got my period. We thought, "oh well, next time".

That was May 5th. Today is the 20th. It's still going, 16 days later...

On day 12 I was starting to believe that something was up and that maybe I was right in the first place. Could it have been that I really was pregnant? If so, then all this bleeding would mean I am having a miscarriage.

Then we went away for the long weekend (I'll talk about that in another post). Couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that I had lost a baby I didn't even confirm I had had. Strange.

Saw my doctor today and went for blood work to see if we can still confirm my pregnancy. It may be inconclusive though, since it's been so long since I first starting bleeding.

We're 95 % sure (or at least I am) that I am miscarrying right now. I have all the symptoms and they're not pretty. It may be more info than you want to know but since you can probably watch CSI and ER with no problem, I figure you can handle it...

Aside from the start and stop again spotting, I'm passing quite a bit of tissue and blood clots (creepy to witness trust me). And in the last couple of days I've starting to have lower abdominal cramps.

Physically, it difficult but nothing compared to the emotions. I mean, I know I was only 4 weeks pregnant, but I was still pregnant (despite what the test may say, I firmly believe that a woman's intuition trumps all). And now I'm not.

But there are some ltiny silver linings... I DID get pregnant, so I know I can. The miscarriage doesn't change that. And there was obviously something wrong with the pregnancy and my body knew that it shouldn't continue. I trust that and am glad it happened sooner rather than later.

But I'm a bit of a wreck right now. Went into work but left at Noon. I just can't focus. We'll see whether or not I go in tomorrow. I think what I really need is some me time. Time being the operative word. I just need to digest this and feel everything I need to feel. Go through the grieving process and be ready to move on.

And I do want to move on. I'm ready to. But obviously my body isn't. If I'm still bleeding at the end of the upcoming weekend, I'm going back to the doctor. He'll probably have to send to go have the rest of the tissues removed so that I don't get an infection.

In case my rambling hasn't indicated this already, I really DO need to talk about it. I'm finding it helps and that people's support is really important. So please don't feel awkward about asking me about it. I'll probably bring it up anyway... ;)