It's the Little Things

"Ah, these are all mint!"

"What about bubblegum?"

"Oh, that'll help. It's right up there with Bubble Blast and this fruity concoction." Although I have to say the Dis.ney princesses on it were fun.

"There's more over here."

In the end I settled on taking a chance on Cinnamon Rush.

There's nothing like finding a toothpaste that doesn't make you throw up. Yay for being able to brush one's teeth!

Humbled and Heart-Warmed

I'm laughing. It's a little shock induced because I wasn't expecting it (you should have seen my jaw drop as I started reading everything). Truthfully, I don't know what I expected from yesterday's ranting post. A lot of it was just stuff rattling around in my brain and it got to the point where I just needed to get it out.

Some of your comments had a lightside and allowed me a chuckle. I needed that more than I realized. And every comment was meaningful and touching. Thank you. I guess I'll just keep going about things as I always have.

Thanks for helping me to find my voice again. Pity-party over.

P.S. I promise WiseGuy, I'll keep the half-assed comments to a minimum. ;)

P.S.S. I'm 7 weeks today. This nausea is really starting to get to me. I may have to get something for it soon because I can barely function at work.

Commenting Woes

I feel stuck. I love ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week). It's a great time to get to know other bloggers and share stories, ideas and comfort where needed. In a small way, it's been ruined for me; my heart isn't in it anymore.

It started with an edition of Barren Advice at Mel's where someone was expressing their difficulties visiting their regular blog haunts after finding out that the person is now pregnant. Mel's sensitive answer addressed all angles of the question and was lovely. It was something someone said in the comments that has left me lost. Someone basically said that receiving comments from those who were pregnant, even after infertility or loss, could be really difficult. That even if we were meaning well, the comments could still be hurtful.

I can understand requiring some extra sensitivity but I walked away from the discussion (even after posting my own feelings on it and then reading their subsequent comments) feeling a little sad, even hurt.

I'm sure that part of my reaction is hormonal but there's a part of me that just doesn't understand how my comments are less worthwhile just because I'm pregnant. Hell, this pregnancy hasn't even been deemed "viable" yet! I don't feel like I've joined the ranks of some special pregnant club where everyone is happy and blissful. In fact so many my bloggy-friends who are pregnant I can assure you don't feel like this either. We're terrified constantly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that I am just as capable of sensitive, compassionate and appropriate remarks now that a life is (hopefully) growing in me, as I was when twice before, life was pouring out of me.

But I'm not perfect. If I accidentally crossed a line at some point, I would hope that someone would (kindly) let me know. I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not going to tell someone how sorry I am that they are going through a rough time while rubbing my belly. I'm not a complete idiot! But I'm not perfect either. Neither is anybody else.

So why is my voice less valid now? Am I making too big a deal about this? Maybe. But I can't let it go. I want to participate in ICLW, but every time I hover my cursor over a blog who's description doesn't show pregnancy, I stop myself.

I don't know what to do.

Edited to add: So if I'm not commenting on your blog much and I normally do, maybe I'm afraid I'll say something wrong. Most of the regulars I read are great supporters for me during this difficult time but there are those I follow that I don't always get to comment on. I'm second-guessing my commenting all over the place these days, so please don't take it personally.

Honest Scrap

WiseGuy gave me an award. Thanks WiseGuy!

The Rules: 1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Winners:

This One - A Maybe Story
Claire - Claire's Walkabout
Dave - Simply Daver
Melissa - So it goes
Meg - On the Wrong Side of Stastitics
Mrs. Gamgee - Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings
bunny - bugaboo envy

10 Honest Things About Myself

1. I had pneumonia in 2003. If I had waited one more day to go see my Dr I would have ended up in the hospital. It really shook me up! It was the beginning of a bunch of changes in my life.


2. I love fashion and love watching shows like Project Runway, What Not to Wear and Next Top Model. It's handy that I deal with uniforms at work. I actually really enjoy it; especially designing new uniforms!


3. When I'm in the magazine aisle I feel pulled towards the bridal magazines. Even though I've been married 17 months. :) I just really love weddings!


4. I grew with up a menagerie of animals (usually 3 cats, 1 or 2 dogs and a hamster or guinea pig). Moving to Vancouver meant I had to leave my cat with my parents. :( I really miss having a cat around.


5. I get in my own way when working towards goals. I can make up excuses as to why I can't do things right now. It's something I'm really trying to work on.


6. I'm fairly tech-savvy. I'm the one at work who doesn't need help to configure an email account, change a printer toner or correct formulas in excel. But don't ask me what's going on when the server is acting up, I'm as confused as everyone else.


7. I get lonely. It's hard to be in a city and have most of your family and good friends be elsewhere. I wouldn't trade living here for anything, but it's not always easy. I used to have a really active busy social life. These days, I feel like a little like a hermit. It's why I turn to my online circles so much.


8. I long to get my butt in gear and work towards showing my art in a gallery. I haven't because of #5.


9. I LOVE being in the water! I think I must have been a marine creature in a previous lifetime.


10. In 2006, I dyed my hair a rich subtle red (more auburn toned) and LOVED it! But after a few times of dyeing it, I let it go back to my natural colour (a med-light brown). Even though I'm pregnant, I really want to go red again. I think I was meant to be a redhead! lol.

6 Weeks, 4 Days

I'm at the same point in this pregnancy where Kenneth stopped growing. That really scares me. But I feel still pregnant. More so than last time... I think. It could just be wishful thinking.

9 days. I can do this. I know I can. I know we can. Bean and I... we're going to be okay. At least that's the mantra I keep repeating to myself.

Cooking for the Soul: Edition 1- Clam Chowder

There's something about cooking from scratch that grounds me. It reminds me that the most basic things in life are simple and take effort and time. Growing up in a family of great cooks, I spent a lot of time standing beside the stove watching my mom, pestering for ingredients and quantities. She taught me that good food can take no time at all or can take a really long time. Both, if made with love, are the best. She also taught me that you don't always need to know the exact amounts. Life is about guessing and making it up as you go along. I've decided to post the recipes that I play with and create on my own.

Tonight's dinner was Clam Chowder. I searched online for different recipes, but no single recipe appealed to me. I know I wanted a cream-based chowder (New England/ Boston style) and I knew it had clams in it, but I needed more info. After looking at about 6 recipes, I decided that I pretty much already knew what to do and set out to create my own recipe.

Lindsay's Clam Chowder:

6 large slices bacon, chopped into 1/2 inch pieces
2 stalks celery, chopped finely
1 small or 1/2 large onion, chopped finely
1 med-lg carrot, peeled and chopped finely
2 tbls. butter
2 1/2 tbls. flour
3 cups water
1 bottle clam juice
2 cans whole baby clams
2 med potatoes, peeled and cubed into 1/4 cubes
1- 1 1/2 tbsp dried thyme
1/2 tblsp black pepper
1 cup cream

Directions:
1. Cook bacon in pan. Halfway through cooking, remove half the bacon and set aside. Finish cooking remaining bacon until crisp. Set aside on a plate with paper towel to drain.
2. In large pot, melt butter on med. Add celery, onion and carrot. Cook until tender.
3. Add flour to pot, mixing thoroughly and cooking for 2 or 3 minutes until clear and thick.
4. Add water, clam juice, clams, potatoes, thyme and black pepper. Also add the half cooked bacon that was set aside.
5. Turn down to med-low heat and simmer for about 45 minutes.
6. Add cream and bring back to a simmer. If you prefer your chowder thicker (like I do) you can add a mixture of cornstarch and hot water (mixed well) to the simmering chowder. It should thicken fairly quickly. Be sure to add slowly and not too much or it will become solid rather than creamy! Turn off heat and let sit for 5 minutes.
7. Serve with a sprinkling of crisp bacon.

Voila! Homemade creamy goodness. Don't ask me for nutritional information as I couldn't tell you. All I know is that clams are a great source of protein and a little cream in your life won't kill you. You could use milk if you really, really have too. I'll try not to hold it against you.

The beauty about a great recipe is that it's always open for interpretation and tweaking. I know I'll be playing with this one for awhile. If you make it and have suggestions, let me know.

I've been playing with the idea of a little bit lemon juice to brighten it up...

Show and Tell: A Tale of Remembered Innocence

If you're here for the first time (from ICLW), make sure to visit this post first before continuing...

Lately, I've been in a very "Walk-Down-Memory-Lane" sort of mood. At first I thought I wasn't sure why but really, I do know. It's because this cocktail of pregnancy hormones makes me susceptible to my mind wandering all over the place (I mean, more so than usual). Since I'm not ready to think about the future too seriously (SO not ready for that!), I go back and remember other times, other places.

Apr 2008: We had been through our first cycle TTC in March. Do you remember that first cycle? You know, the one where you really have no idea what you're doing in terms of timing and words like BBT, O and LP didn't mean anything? It was a time when I thought pregnancy equaled babies, before I discovered how wrong I was.

We went through April wondering and dreaming of the possibilites. I remember a walk we took through Stanley Park. We talked about how if we did get pregnant that month, how we could tell his family at his Grandfather's 80th b-day party in May. This thought excited us.

This was all before we thought that this cycle was a bust. Before a negative test and the appearance of af ruined the party. Before we found out after 11 further days of spotting after af left, that I was in fact pregnant but miscarrying. Before our dreams and innocence were shattered.

This is a photo from that walk. It's a snapshot of a time where we could dream without worry. It's a place I'm envious of because I know I can't go back there. I've had to dream new dreams with the reality of the past sitting on the edge reminding me of things lost but never forgotten.

I may not be able to go back there but I can look at it and remember.

Do you have a time of innocence you like to revisit? Leave a note and don't forget to stop by Mel's to check out what the rest of the class is showing...

ICLW February: Welcome!

I can't believe it's time for ICLW (International Comment Leaving Week) again!

If you're new here or visiting from ICLW, welcome!

You should know before you go any farther, that I am currently pregnant. I appreciate that not everyone wants to be around someone who is, so if you don't want to stick around, I understand. Good luck to you.

That being said, if you stuck around long enough to read this, you should know that I haven't yet had a successful pregnancy. That this third one could finally be THE ONE! I'm also terrified. Two miscarriages and a lifetime of drama have left me a little beat up and wary.

But I'm hopeful. Hope and optimism are some of the only things I feel I have left sometimes. I have an ultrasound on March 5th to check for "viability". Until that day, I live in limbo.

Welcome, and thanks for stopping by. As a general rule, if you leave a comment, I always try to return it. I'm not always great at it, but I do try.

Dreaming

"Hello... Hello!"

"Say goodnight to Bean."

"Goodnight Bean."

They curl in togther, his arm handwrapped around her. His hand rubs a queasy tummy in slow circular motions.

She sighs as she realizes how easily their hearts could be broken.

TWW: Deja Vu All Over Again?

I'm having a serious case of deja vu... After all the waits one endures when trying to conceive, the TWW (two week wait) can be the worst. Although my TWW was 7-9 days, so it went blissfully fast, but I always made it up in the first half of my cycle by having to wait 15-17 days. So there we have it, mostly balanced. I know that once you get pregnant, you end up continuing having to wait for things. It's a "better buck up and get used to it" situation. But this is nuts! It occurred to me this morning that I am still living in TWWs! Seriously? I mean shouldn't that be over with now? My ultrasound is in two weeks and then my first OB appointment is two weeks after that. My life is still doled out in 12-14 day increments. Not that I'm complaining (much), just observant...

A Little Bit of Random

For once I don't have much to say... crazy I know. I'm still pregnant as far as I can tell. I'm 6 weeks today. Ultrasound is in two weeks. My pants are feeling tighter and I have the feeling I'll be bringing out the maternity clothes I bought last time sooner rather than later.

Here's a photo to make you smile: (I love the Vancouver Aqaur.ium)

A Dose of My Own Medicine

So last night R and I had a one of those mood driven arguments that starts and stops and starts again. No details needed but suffice to say, between my hormones and his moodiness lately (mostly due to my own hormone-driven moodiness), we succeeded in driving each other crazy. Later in bed that night we were talking it over. I confessed how hard this pregnancy was for me. I feel so useless because I'm ill all the time and can't do a lot of things I normally do without feeling like I'm going to throw up. R does help out quite a bit, which I truly appreciate, but I'm at a point where bending over to unload the dishwasher is really not a good idea. Of course, when something is bothering me, these days, my moodiness escalates, which he feeds off of, and I feed off of in return. Vicious cycle. But we talked and I admitted I need more help than normal until this part passes. I also admitted that I felt very alone in being pregnant, that I miss having my friend and partner there for me. He was feeling the same way. Go figure. I told him how scared I was that I'm going through all of this and our baby could not be alive in me again. It was at this point where he rested his hand on my belly and left it there for the rest of our conversation. I think we're both so scared of getting hurt again. We're really excited but there's a part of us that can't quite believe it's real. My symptoms are real, but a baby? Not just yet. Our conversation continued for awhile. We joked a bit. In fact, I joked that if this doesn't work out again, I'd write a letter to someone and demand a rebate for having gone through all this pregnancy stuff without the final result. He laughed and asked who I'd send it to. I had no idea. Anyone who would listen I suppose. On one of the forums I'm on, a new lady joined us on the October Birth Club. She's pregnant with her first and while very excited is also scared and looking for advice. I wrote this: Welcome and congrats! Honestly, I'm in the same boat in terms of fears and this is the third time I've done this. I just want to believe that I could actually end up with a baby this time. The best thing you can do is stay positive. You can't change how you feel but you can change how you think about it. Being scared and nervous is normal and you are allowed to feel that way. Just don't let it cripple you. If something is going to happen, there is nothing you can do or not do that will change the outcome. So, the best thing to do is think positively and dream your dreams. Let yourself be excited. This is an amazing time in your life and you only get one shot at enjoying the experience. Damn good advice if you ask me! I think it's time I took a good dose of my own advice. I need to push through the crippling days and enjoy this chance we've been given. I have to hold on to this particular experience and let it be what I need it to be.

Finding a Place to Start Again: A Story of Friends

She looked at me with a sudden intensity, a smiling wonder.

"Look at you! At how you look right now. You've gone through all this stuff and look how you are doing. You're a role model for women."

What? A role model? Really? I'm honoured she would think so and more than a little intimidated. It is a lot to live up to.

A friend of mine has had a really rough year. Her life fell apart a bit in 2008 and she's been struggling to pick up the pieces and create something new with them. We had a long chat the other day. We both wish it could have been longer.

We hadn't spoken in some time, though a few messages on Face.book have gone back and forth. So much had happened in our lives this past year and circumstances found us unable to share it with each other. It wasn't anyone's fault, it just sometimes happens in friendships. Life (and shit) happens and you drift a bit.

But she's an important part of my life, and I hated to lose her. After a long time with no contact I wrote a message to her and waited. After a couple of months of nothing, I was almost ready to give up when I was checking my messages and I saw her name. My heart raced. What would she say? What was going on? Is she okay?

She explained how difficult things had been. That she was sorry for letting our friendship fizzle. She said she would understand if I had moved on.

Is she kidding! I was SO excited to see her message, to find her reaching out, that I too reached out and held on hard. I wrote an incredibly long letter telling her there was nothing to forgive and explaining what had been happening with us and our lost babies.

We agreed to meet up for coffee at a central place for both of us. Even though we were both running a tad behind, I arrived first. I was nervous and excited at the same time. Would we pick up where we left off? Would it be awkward? I didn't think so, but there was this tiny thread of doubt.

A few minutes later, she arrives. We throw ourselves at each other in the biggest embrace we could muster. We clung to each other with the reckless abandon appropriate of dear friends meeting after a long separation. I broke first but as I did, I felt her wanting to hold on. As I stepped back and asked her what she wanted to drink (my treat as her b-day had been two days prior) I realized she was crying. She had broken out into one of those incredible happy regretful sobs. She sat down. I leaned over her and held her telling her it was alright. After a couple of minutes, she gathered herself. She thanked me for not giving up on her (how could I? I rarely give up).

We talked for ages. Then we wandered. We shared our stories as if we had never told them to anyone before. I was so thrilled to tell her about our baby-to-be and all our hopes and fears. She was so very happy for R and I. Just thinking of that morning makes me teary in the best way possible.

No matter what life throws you, always take the opportunities that fall upon you. This is what I believe allows me to aim for that goal of being an old woman with no regrets. And friendships are always worth saving if there is reciprocity.

Oh, if I could have but bottled that hug of ours...

Show and Tell: A Reminder Not to be Jaded

So this weekend was spent hanging out with my Mom and some friends. It was lovely and much needed.

As the ferry left the berth in Swartz Bay (Victoria side of the crossing) I became thoughtful of all the times I've done this crossing. R and I commuted back and forth for a year after he moved to Vancouver to continue with his grad studies on site. I had to stay in Victoria to finish my last year of my business diploma. We did the best we could and took turns every weekend making the crossing and spending the weekend with each other.

Those first crossings were especially intense because of the meaning they held: they were the first tests of our fairly new relationship (5 months). It was this year that proved my first instinct the day of our fateful meeting- that we were meant to be together. It wasn't easy being apart and sometimes even being together was difficult. The stress we were under in our own circumstances could play out in these short times together. But it was always worth it in the end. And a year later I made the move to be with him, sealing our path together that would see us married and starting a family.

On this particular trip, like the many I've taken in recent years, I read my novel and listened to my iPod, occasionally glancing out the windows at the scenery going by. If you've ever taken this trip, you know how amazingly stunning Coastal British Columbia is. Admittedly, I haven't travelled enough to be objective, but I do believe that this place is one of the most stunning I've seen. I feel lucky and honoured to call it my home.

A couple trips ago, I saw a pod of killer whales. Not the first time I had seen them. As usual, when the crew announces a pod nearby, everyone flocks to the closest window or goes out on deck to find a good view. I distinctly remember almost being annoyed with how big a deal all these people were making of this event. It's not the first pod I'd seen and it won't be the last.

My response back then shocks me now but really I shouldn't be surprised. It was the first trip after the we lost Kenneth. I felt numb so my response to everything was equally numb. I remember crying, no, sobbing silently, and trying to make sure no one else saw me. It was one of the most difficult trips I ever made.

Today, like that day several months ago, the sun shone brilliantly. The sky was mostly clear of clouds. Glancing at the waves leaves you momentarily blinded as the sun glints off the peaks. The Islands, ever changing but ever the same stand guard on our passage.

I love this sailing. I had forgotten just how much. Coming back today it had hit me how much I missed actually enjoying the crossing and not just being absorbed in whatever I was doing. It had become a mundane occurrence, a fact that saddened me. Today I felt a renewed interest in the world around me, like I was seeing things through new eyes.

Maybe it's just feeling like I'm in a different and good place in my life right now. Maybe it the effect Hope can have. Maybe it doesn't matter why, just simply that it happened. I had been jaded and the veil seems to have been lifted.

These are two photos I took of another happy sailing. It was a trip that turned out to be my surprise bridal shower.

On another note, I discovered Saturday morning that peanut butter (which I LOVE) is NOT my friend. I had an apple and made two halves of an english muffin with margarine and peanut butter. By the end of the first half I suddenly couldn't chew anymore but I couldn't swallow either. I promptly hurried to the bathroom and lost my breakfast! Yay for still being pregnant! Boo for having to put peanut butter on the NO list. :(

Don't forget to stop by and see what other's are waxing poetically about...

Tiny Milestones: I'm Five Weeks

Your Baby Week 6 "Your baby is now about the size of an apple seed. That's about 0.08 to 0.16 inches (2 to 4mm) from crown to rump. It has formed a distinct head with the first stages of eyes and ears. The spinal column and cord are formed. Buds that will grow limbs have also formed. The heart is starting to beat and at this stage its beating may even be detected by sensitive ultrasound equipment, though, it's still very early. The kidneys, liver and nerve cells have also begun to develop. Ten dental buds are growing in the jaws. Blood circulation has begun and primitive red blood cells circulate. The neural tube has closed over along your baby's spine. The optic vesicles, which resemble tiny discs of pigment set in cups along the sides of your baby's head will develop into your baby's eyes. A distinct tail is still present. The body is shaped like the letter 'C'." All this will be happening (knock on wood) inside me this week. Astonishing to think! I read through these details last time but it seems new all over again. Nutritionally, I'm supposed to be getting lots of calcium-rish foods since so many structural formations are occuring. Yay for milk and yogurt! I'm feeling a bit better today. trying to not be concerned because the nausea is still there, just less. Not that I want to be puking over a toilet (my little secret would get out fast in an office of almost 40 people where 75% are women), but it would be nice for it to be stronger. Although I am enjoying eating today because I'm starving! Apparently, nausea can really kick in by week 6 or 7, so I guess I'll just have to be patient and enjoy food while I can. Speaking of patient, my Dr's office called yesterday afternoon. Ultrasound is booked for March 5th. Three weeks from today; I'll be 8 weeks. There's so much to see by then. Our Little One will actually be starting to look like a baby. Three weeks seems so far away. I try not to think of all the things that could go wrong in that time but it's hard not to. Especially when I'm not sick to my stomach at the moment. I know that will pass, and a day or a week or so from now I'll be cursing myself for wanting a better sign. 3 weeks...21 days. I'm going to have to find ways to keep busy. If I had any energy after I get home from work, it would be fine, but I don't. Better get creative. Meanwhile, I get to visit my mom this weekend. I'm glad she knows. She told my Dad and he's really excited. I think we're all feeling good about this one. I just don't want to let anyone down. I want this dream to come true for all of us.

The Cat is Out of the Bag!

So I get this email right before I'm about to leave work yesterday from my mom. One word: PREGGERS??!!!!!!!?? Crap! How did she find out? Then it occurred to me... my brother. He's the only one who reads my blog who could have told her. I haven't had a chance to talk to him (as he's living in Oz and just got back from vacation in Bali and all), so he couldn't have known that I hadn't told her yet. I email back: What makes you think that? Lame, I know... Apparently, the two of them were on MSN and he accidentally spilled the beans without knowing he did so. His comment when I emailed back... "Silly girl"! I never got her reply because I had to leave to go home. I called her as soon as got home and we talked for a good while while we both made dinner. I told her that we wanted to wait to say anything but that I figured she'd figure it out when I saw her this weekend anyway. In my head I figured she'd take one look at me and ask me when I was due! She laughed when I told her this. Our conversation also revealed an interesting fact: my blog address was on my Face.book profile. Emphasis on was. I took it down immediately. The first thought that came to mind was who's reading?? But really, it's immaterial. If people are reading and don't comment, they haven't told me (besides the ones I gave the address to). I know this issue has come up for others. At what point do I care who reads? I know my brother reads it because he's so far away and I wanted him to keep in the loop. But what about others? I've come to the opinion that I don't mind if people I know read my blog as long as they follow these very simple rules: 1) If I know you IRL (in real life) and I didn't give you this address, you should kindly let me know that you are reading. It's only fair, that if you have access to something that is akin to a person's diary, you delurk at least once to let me know you are reading. I would do the same for you, so let's be fair here. 2) It should be understood that this place is my space to rant, vent, cry, laugh, joke etc. It's where I can write whatever I'm feeling at the moment without fearing adverse reactions from others. If I need to rant about a person or a situation, I'll never use names and will do my best to keep it as anonymous as possible. If you think that I'm talking about you (who knows, maybe I am), you just can't get all offended and in my face about it. If I want to talk about it in person, I WILL! Otherwise, accept that that is just how I am feeling at the moment. It will likely pass quickly and I'll come back and write again calmer and with some perspective. 3) Whatever I write is confidential. Especially regarding our lost babies and this current pregnancy. It's not anyone's place to tell others when we've decided we don't want our entire family to know. I'm not mad at M in anyway for spilling the beans (rather I'm laughing about it), as I likely would have told my Mom this weekend when I saw her anyway. It was a simple lack of communication- which is ironic, considering my blog is my way of communicating. Going forward, people should just check with me before saying anything. Thanks! So I'm in this place (that many others have been) of wondering exactly who's reading this. Mom, M, hi! Love you both!If you're reading and you're a family member or a friend IRL, fess up please and I promise not to be mad. On another, namely pregnancy, note: I can not believe how tired I am! I remember being exhausted most of the time but nothing like this. I know for sure it's not my iron, as I take my prenatal and eat red meat and other iron filled items in my diet. During the first half of my cycle I was taking a women's formula high-potency Omega-3 supplement. But during my LP and now that I'm pregnant, I had to stop taking them because they contain EPO (evening primrose oil) which can cause uterine contractions and is a big no-no right now. So I managed to find a prenatal formula (yay for Sho.ppers Dr.ug Mart). Funny thing is that I forgot that a proper dose is 2 pills and I had only been taking 1. Oops! Starting yesterday, I've been taking two, so hopefully that will help my energy a little. Doubt that's going to help my hunger though... I feel like I have to constantly eat because I get really nauseous if I have an empty stomach. But no pray.ing to the porcelain gods...yet. I may be exhausted but I am a little chipper today as it is a gorgeous sunny day. This after a small storm came and dumped another couple centimetres of snow in my neighbourhood and turned our road into a skating rink. I could barely cross the road in the morning on my way to work! Was mostly all gone by the time I got home but still. I mean, really, we GET IT! Vancouver gets to experience WINTER this year. But I'm ready for spring. My crocuses in my pots are growing nicely and should probably bloom in the next 3 weeks I'm guessing. About the same time frame that my body will stat to "bloom". Interesting, no?

Beta Bliss

Beta is back...

At 16 DPO (days past ovulation), I'm, get this... 574!!

To compare, BetaBase lists the median hcg level at 198; Lowest reported=5, Highest=2744

What do you know, I'm pregnant and it seems healthy!

My Dr doesn't feel it's necessary to do a repeat. I'm not worrying about it rising, so I have no issue with this. The ultrasound will tell us what we need to know anyway. Dr. H-Y is going to have one scheduled for around March 2nd.

Go Baby Go!

The Episode in Which She Momentarily Has a Panic Attack

The evening routine: brush my teeth, go pee, put in "those damn pills", crawl into bed quickly. Simple, routine.

Last night started out no different. I brushed my teeth, went pee, wiped...

I swear my heart stopped beating.

There on the tissue (I'm paranoid enough these days to always check) was pale red translucent blood.

Another wipe; more or less the same. One more; significantly paler, almost not there. Okay, I told myself, it's just some spotting.

I finished my routine and hopped into bed, telling R about the spotting. He looked concerned for a moment but then was fine when I told him that spotting was pretty normal during pregnancy. A lot of women have it.

I crawled into bed and settled in to read. I read my book for about 30mins and then turned off the light.

My chest started heaving, my breath caught in my throat. I was almost sobbing but I couldn't make any noise. R wrapped me up in his arms telling me everything would be fine. I calmed down and then tried to go to sleep.

But I couldn't. The fear gripped me so tightly, almost choking me. I kept thinking Please, please let this be okay for awhile longer! I just want to be happy for little bit longer. Please!! Why can't my body just be NORMAL? I decided I had to check again. Feigning the need to pee again, I got up and checked.

One wipe. Nothing. Another wipe. Nothing. My body, mind and heart all relaxed. Everything is fine.

This morning, all is as it should be. It was just a little spotting last night. Perfectly normal.

This morning a thought came to me. It was something my friend AW told me: I am the exception to every rule. Looks like everything is as it should be.

Show and Tell: Coming Full Circle

During last week's Show and Tell, I told you all the story of how I came up with the title of my blog and the url. You may remember my brief story about my two years in Northern Ontario. I used to live about two hours west of Ottawa, our fair nation's capital. Ottawa is a beautiful city. It has the old quaint British feel mixed with French flair and the urban feel of a city still growing. It has charm. I was there this past week for work. I was running a small work conference. And in so many ways I had come full-circle in my life.

Being so close to the places that somewhat scarred and haunted me left me quiet and introspective for the first little while after landing. But there was work to do and fun to be had and I devoted myself to it with great abandon. Well, as much as one can with mild nausea and fatigue. I am after all still pregnant as far as the home tests tell me (I've done four so far). But I digress...

This week I am showing off some photos of Ottawa. I was there for 2 1/2 days, so I didn't have a chance to do any sight seeing. But my manager and I popped out for a 30 minute walk. We were 5 minutes from the Rideau Canal and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to introduce her to the quintessential Cnadaian experience: skating on the Rideau Canal and eating a Beaver Tail. No worries for you vegetarians, a Beaver Tail is a flat fried pastry sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon. Since skating wasn't an option, we crossed the canal in our boots, her holding desperately to my arm (she's not a fan of the ice to say the least), with me sliding gently along.

Unfortunately I have none of our Beaver Tail-eating evidence but I will leave you some images of a truly lovely Cnadian city in the depths of Winter. Did I mention the day we left it was -36 degrees Celcius? The Beaver Tail we split was just as amazing I remember it to be. Also in such cold weather (it was -20 that day), it warmed our frozen finger tips.

The Rideau Canal is 7.8 kilometers long, making it officially the World's Longest Skating Rink. This is looking south.

Looking North, you can see the Fairmont Chateau Laurier, a castle looking hotel from the former Candian Pacific Railway chain.

This is Parliament Hill, the seat of our Government. I love how so many of the old buildings in Canada have copper roofs. Their age-induced green complements the green of the fields and trees (well in season other than winter that is).

These stands are dotted periodically along the canal.

We missed Winterlude, the famous winter festival, by ONE day! Damn! There is a big ice sculpture contest and each of the hotels that are a participating sponsor have this one outside their door.

I left Ottawa exhausted (as only running a conference on only 8 hours of sleep over two days can) but happy. I done a good job and things went smoothly. But more than that, I had some truly happy memories from a place that I had felt had taken so much out of me, left me bare and broken. A tiny scarred part that had been buried, was drawn out and healed.

Speaking of full-circles, today I went for my prenatal bloodwork, which I needed to have done since it had ben 6 months since the last time I had it completed. 6 months ago, I was in this same place, ever hopeful, a little terrified and ready to go through this again. I left the lab, siphoned of 7 vials of blood, nausea ever present. I left calm.

Beta should be back sometime on Monday.

Now skate over to Mel's to see what treats the Class has for you...

Here We Go Again!

"Hi, Dr. B said to call when I was pregnant."

"And are we?"

"Yes we are!"

"Congratulations!"

"Thanks! I'm just not sure what the process is from this point"

"Is Dr. H-Y still your family Dr?"

"Yes."

"Well, you'll need to see him first for you prenatal blood work and a referral back to our office. How far along are you?"

"4 weeks, 1 day."

"And you've had 2 miscarriages, correct?"

"Yes."

"Okay, well, we'll have to get him to schedule an ultrasound for you between 7 and 8 weeks to check for viability. I know, it's a horrible word."

"Yes it is, but I understand." (said laughing)

"And then we can see you on, let's see... March 17th at 10 am. By then we'll have all the results."

"Okay."

And so went our conversation. Later, I called my GP's office and set up an appointment for 4:45 in the afternoon. I went in, sat down, and said, "Guess what? I'm Pregnant!". He smiled.

I have a requisition for my blood work, which I'll do tomorrow. The results should be in by Monday at which point we'll decide when to schedule the ultrasound.

I laughed when he made the comment, "Well hopefully third time's a charm. But you certainly don't have any issues getting pregnant."

No kidding.

Nausea and exhaustion aside, I'm feeling pretty good. It's a little surreal right now. I mean I know I am pregnant and I feel pregnant, but there's a small part of me that's somewhat unconvinced, that is still controlled by the fear. But I am excited. We both are. R is back to saying "hello" to my belly again.

It makes my heart so very happy.

A Couple Steps Closer

I'm HOME!!!! It feels good to be home! After a VERY long flight yesterday, I arrived back in Vancouver safe and sound... and still very much pregnant.

I took another dollar store hpt on Tues morning before I left and the line was still faint but darker than the one I took on Sunday. Then last night I tried it again. The line was nearly as dark as the control line!

I was given strict instructions to sleep in this morning and take my time coming into work. Gotta love that. But that means that i should go have a shower and get ready.

I'm also calling my OB's office to get things started on that front.

Oh, and lets just say that 2- 5 1/2 hour flights are not fun when you have background nausea. Well neither is running a conference but I think I managed to not give it away at all. Is it a good sign that after 2 miscarriages I still have the urge to shout it to the world?

I'll update later today. And boy do I have a lot of reading to catch up on!

What a Picture is Worth

Screw Lines! Sometimes you just need unequivocal proof.

I'm feeling really good about this. I thought I'd be running to see my Dr and requesting betas. But I'm not. Never mind the fact that I'm hopping on a plane tomorrow morning to Ottawa and not coming home till Thursday. But I just don't feel the need at the moment. When I call on Friday to set-up at 7wk ultrasound, if they offer to do betas, I say yes of course. But I'm not stressed.

As soon as I saw this test this morning I felt calm. Excited, but calm. Everything may just turn out okay after all...

See you all on Friday. Going to be a long evening after work catching up on posts, let me tell you! Thank you one and all for your support. When my hope and optimism were failing me you were all there holding me up. It means a lot. Thanks.

The Truth Unfolds and I'm Scared

I'm sobbing. I mean huge fat tears such that I can barely see what I'm typing.

I know it's harder to see but it's there and it came up almost intstantly. Thanks DB for encouraging me to try another test. Gotta love 1st Repsonse.

I'm laughing too. I'm sobbing and laughing and I can't stop.

I'm terrified to try this again.

Please little one, don't break my heart this time.

NOTE: If I know you IRL (in real life), I'm begging you to help me keep this a secret until I know things are going to be okay. Thank you.

Operation "Is It A Line?" Has Commenced

I am an idiot. An idiot who is going to go completely nuts!

On a whim, I took a hpt this morning. I'm 10dpo, so wasn't expecting anything. After a minute there was nothing. I know, I should have left it longer, but I wasn't expecting anything, so if there was something, I figured it'd pop up right away.

So I had my shower.

Afterwards, I peeked. I shouldn't have. There is the faintest line there. Probably an evaporation line. EXCEPT... in all the tests I've ever done that were negative, I've never had an evap line. EVER!

Okay, permission to officially go nuts?

Tomorrow morning I'm bringing out the big guns. No dollar store tests, it's time for a good one.

Help! I think I may lose it between now and then!