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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Show and Tell: A Tale of Remembered Innocence

If you're here for the first time (from ICLW), make sure to visit this post first before continuing...

Lately, I've been in a very "Walk-Down-Memory-Lane" sort of mood. At first I thought I wasn't sure why but really, I do know. It's because this cocktail of pregnancy hormones makes me susceptible to my mind wandering all over the place (I mean, more so than usual). Since I'm not ready to think about the future too seriously (SO not ready for that!), I go back and remember other times, other places.

Apr 2008: We had been through our first cycle TTC in March. Do you remember that first cycle? You know, the one where you really have no idea what you're doing in terms of timing and words like BBT, O and LP didn't mean anything? It was a time when I thought pregnancy equaled babies, before I discovered how wrong I was.

We went through April wondering and dreaming of the possibilites. I remember a walk we took through Stanley Park. We talked about how if we did get pregnant that month, how we could tell his family at his Grandfather's 80th b-day party in May. This thought excited us.

This was all before we thought that this cycle was a bust. Before a negative test and the appearance of af ruined the party. Before we found out after 11 further days of spotting after af left, that I was in fact pregnant but miscarrying. Before our dreams and innocence were shattered.

This is a photo from that walk. It's a snapshot of a time where we could dream without worry. It's a place I'm envious of because I know I can't go back there. I've had to dream new dreams with the reality of the past sitting on the edge reminding me of things lost but never forgotten.

I may not be able to go back there but I can look at it and remember.

Do you have a time of innocence you like to revisit? Leave a note and don't forget to stop by Mel's to check out what the rest of the class is showing...


Mrs. Gamgee said...

Picture a six year old little girl, with glasses and poker straight dishwater blonde hair and freckles on her nose... now picture her on the sidewalk outside her house, jumping rope on Easter morning. I know it's a long time ago, but that's my picture of innocence... when I believed that the world was a safe place and I could have all I dreamed.

Liv said...

Marvy and I were in his 1992 Ford Tempo listening to the tape player driving around the city. I was eighteen. His favorite band has always been and always will be Def Leppard. As the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" was on, I sang along. I then spit out the next line... "Come on fatten me up".

Marvy paused the tape player. "Uh, did you just say fatten me up?"


Guess I've lost my innocense ever since. :o)

JamieD said...

*SIGH* I remember all too well. Boy, we've come a long way in the last three years.

Kristin said...

Oh yeah...that innocence has been left far behind.

The picture is beautiful and the "place" it helps you revisit is wonderful.

infertilityrocks said...

I guess I remember the first few months of TTC #1 with the optimisitc expectation that is would just 'happen'. Yeah, it is really death of innocence right, learning that life doesn't always do just exactly what you want it to.

Meg said...

I remember the first month trying like it was yesterday. We got pregnant month one and the thoughts of the future were intense and exciting.

I can relate to you not wanting to wander to far into thinking about anything in the future. Take this one day at a time. It is quite a time warp!

Mrs. Olson said...

I remember our first month of trying all too well...Like you said I thought about how we could tell our families over a holiday party and how exciting that would be...and then I miscarried and had to undo all the telling that I had done, not knowing that pregnant did not equal babies. I think that is when my innocence officially died.

projectkjetil said...

I do have a time of innocence I'd like to remember, which I was thrown back to just this morning as I was playing my guitar.

I fondly remember the time when all I wanted was to learn enough chords so that I could play through a song without stopping. Sure, finding The One and having kiddos and all that were on my wish list, but that was all in the distant future. I miss the joy (and work) that went toward achieving that goal, although anyone who listens to me play may not notice the chords over my horrid singing, but oh well.

So yeah, I miss that.

Jo said...

I don't know that I've ever really felt the innocence that you speak of. Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I've always known that it would be difficult for me to have kids. Not because of any medical reason, just because I wanted them so badly. And that's how the world works, right? If you want something desperately, it CAN'T come easily.

I'm hoping and praying that this one sticks for you.

Hugs and Happy ICLW!

Malky B. said...

Thanks for the ceiling painting tip! Much appreciated.

Another Dreamer said...

I remember, those memories have been coming up a lot lately.

This is a great post.

Lori said...

It's a lovely place to have a lovely vision for your life.

I remember thinking on our wedding day that we would be able to build our family any time we wanted. I was planning what month I wanted our baby to have a birthday in.


Cassandra said...

I have a photo from my days of pregnancy innocence (M/C #1) that I'll post for Show and Tell very soon.

So much of Vancouver is beautiful, but Stanley Park is extra special.

Kim said...

The hubs and I didn't live together before we got married. 2 weeks before our wedding we were working on our first house. It needed alot of work and for a while we weren't sure if it would be ready in time. That day it all came together. All that was left was to move the furniture in. The stress melted. We spent all night christening our new home, munching pizza and beer, and talking about why we wanted to marry each other a how great things were at the time and were going to be. Hubs was so sweet, I will never forget it. I never really thought about getting back to a place of innocence when I need to find a happy place but this is the memory that came to mind I when you asked. Thank you.

WiseGuy said...

Great to read your story....when that picture was taken could you know, what significance it would have later?

Yes....I have had moments...and I have pictures, and I also have scenes etched into my mind minus any photographs....and it all rewinds and replays sometimes!