So last night R and I had a one of those mood driven arguments that starts and stops and starts again. No details needed but suffice to say, between my hormones and his moodiness lately (mostly due to my own hormone-driven moodiness), we succeeded in driving each other crazy. Later in bed that night we were talking it over. I confessed how hard this pregnancy was for me. I feel so useless because I'm ill all the time and can't do a lot of things I normally do without feeling like I'm going to throw up. R does help out quite a bit, which I truly appreciate, but I'm at a point where bending over to unload the dishwasher is really not a good idea.
Of course, when something is bothering me, these days, my moodiness escalates, which he feeds off of, and I feed off of in return. Vicious cycle. But we talked and I admitted I need more help than normal until this part passes. I also admitted that I felt very alone in being pregnant, that I miss having my friend and partner there for me. He was feeling the same way. Go figure. I told him how scared I was that I'm going through all of this and our baby could not be alive in me again. It was at this point where he rested his hand on my belly and left it there for the rest of our conversation.
I think we're both so scared of getting hurt again. We're really excited but there's a part of us that can't quite believe it's real. My symptoms are real, but a baby? Not just yet.
Our conversation continued for awhile. We joked a bit. In fact, I joked that if this doesn't work out again, I'd write a letter to someone and demand a rebate for having gone through all this pregnancy stuff without the final result. He laughed and asked who I'd send it to. I had no idea. Anyone who would listen I suppose.
On one of the forums I'm on, a new lady joined us on the October Birth Club. She's pregnant with her first and while very excited is also scared and looking for advice. I wrote this:
Welcome and congrats! Honestly, I'm in the same boat in terms of fears and this is the third time I've done this. I just want to believe that I could actually end up with a baby this time.
The best thing you can do is stay positive. You can't change how you feel but you can change how you think about it. Being scared and nervous is normal and you are allowed to feel that way. Just don't let it cripple you. If something is going to happen, there is nothing you can do or not do that will change the outcome. So, the best thing to do is think positively and dream your dreams. Let yourself be excited. This is an amazing time in your life and you only get one shot at enjoying the experience.
Damn good advice if you ask me! I think it's time I took a good dose of my own advice. I need to push through the crippling days and enjoy this chance we've been given. I have to hold on to this particular experience and let it be what I need it to be.