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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Acknowledging Them

Last night in bed I was thinking about how wierd it is to refer to our two lost babies as Baby#1/#2 or 1st Miscarriage/ 2nd Miscarriage. I don't know about you but it seems rather cold and impersonal for two lives that however brief touched me. The second of course, even more so, because we know it was a boy. I know names are usually given to babies who are still born rather than miscarried, but it seems somehow natural and appropriate for us to do this at this point.

So I was lying there curled up with R and mentioned this to him and said that I need to find a name or some way of referring to them in a way that is consistent with the impact they've had on my life. He then looks at me and says "Kenneth". I paused, slightly stunned, as I was 1) a little surprised he was going along with this and 2) that it came to him so quickly and easily. But there we have it.

Kenneth. The perfect name for the little boy we'd never hold.

So then there's our first. We have no idea if it was a boy or girl, so he suggested Alex, a gender neutral shortened name. Works for me. So if I use these names in any future posts, you will know who I'm talking about.

Alex and Kenneth, our babies, who will always be with us and who's brief lives will guide us forward through the unknown.

7 comments:

Cassandra said...

Here from the Roundup...

Kenneth is a beautiful name for your son, and I love the idea of a gender neutral name like Alex when you don't know the sex. I hope that being able to name them simultaneously helps you remember them and brings you peace. Take care.

areyoukiddingme said...

I have had similar experiences (two early miscarriages, 8 wks and 11 wks) and I know what you mean about feeling cold and impersonal. I could not think of naming them, though. I think it would make it harder for me to compartmentalize the losses and would make my grief more fresh. I commend you and your husband for grieving together and finding a good way to memorialize your children.

annacyclopedia said...

Came from the Roundup, too. This is just a beautiful post, and I love your man's response being so quick and so surprising. Reminds me of my own man who, while I usually have to beg and plead to get him to talk about emotional stuff, has the ability to surprise me with the depth of his insight and feeling when he chooses to speak.

Remembering Alex and Kenneth today.

Sam said...

what a beautiful and sensitive thing to do. I love how your hubby came up with Kenneth immediately. (it was my Grandpop's name, so I like it very much)

Cibele said...

I felt the same way and I named Alex our first baby that we lost since we did not know the gender. I am so sorry that Kenneth and Alex are not here with you

Kristin said...

What a beautiful gesture...even more so because both of you named them.

Lindsay said...

Wow, thank you all for your lovely comments! I had no idea I made Mel's Rroundup.

Our babies had identiites in my heart, so it seemed natural to give them a more formal identity. It's my way of moving on too...