Sign of the times

Thursday and Friday were difficult days.

When you work full time, you probably spend more time in a day with your co-workers than you do with your family. For me, my co-workers are my work-family. I get really close to some of them, especially over time.

On Thursday afternoon I watched two of them leave without even knowing that it would be last time I saw them. A third also left that day.

I cried. Lots.

Restructuring. A word you've either been hearing lots about or will be. At first I was angry about how quickly it all happened but now I've had time to get perspective, I understand how necessary it all was. I just hate that was necessary in the first place.

So to make things more interesting, my job has been expanded and I have a new office. But to clarify, it's not a promotion. I'm just helping out someone in management who needs support, but not an assistant. But she also is taking over Directorship of our company charity, which means we'll be working very closely on next year's golf tournaments. I'm actually very excited about this because we both have the same practicality and common sense when it comes to event planning. This could be the start of a beautiful working relationship...

In other news, it's December 1st. It's almost Christmas. We had our tree trimming at work today and while it was lovely, I'm just not there yet. Our apartment is pretty much disaster (what else is new?) and we have a lot of cleaning and tidying to do before the tree and decorations can go up. Maybe I'll feel better when that's all up. We're even planning to do the balcony. So that's our plan this week.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to feel excited about a holiday that was supposed to be so much more for me this year. Prior to both miscarriages, I'd have been pregnant this Christmas. It's hard to reconcile in my mind that come Dec.25th, I 'd either have been 36 or 26 weeks pregnant. I would have been as big as a house or sporting a nicely defined baby bump. I'd have been planning and dreaming of all the things we'd need to do or get before the baby arrived. We'd have been debating over names, or maybe have settled on some.

Instead, things are different. We're still planning and dreaming, but they're different. These new plans and dreams are more cautious, somewhat tentative. But they're not less hopefully or optimistic. They're just, well, different. Everything seems different these days. Am I different then?

Acknowledging Them

Last night in bed I was thinking about how wierd it is to refer to our two lost babies as Baby#1/#2 or 1st Miscarriage/ 2nd Miscarriage. I don't know about you but it seems rather cold and impersonal for two lives that however brief touched me. The second of course, even more so, because we know it was a boy. I know names are usually given to babies who are still born rather than miscarried, but it seems somehow natural and appropriate for us to do this at this point. So I was lying there curled up with R and mentioned this to him and said that I need to find a name or some way of referring to them in a way that is consistent with the impact they've had on my life. He then looks at me and says "Kenneth". I paused, slightly stunned, as I was 1) a little surprised he was going along with this and 2) that it came to him so quickly and easily. But there we have it. Kenneth. The perfect name for the little boy we'd never hold. So then there's our first. We have no idea if it was a boy or girl, so he suggested Alex, a gender neutral shortened name. Works for me. So if I use these names in any future posts, you will know who I'm talking about. Alex and Kenneth, our babies, who will always be with us and who's brief lives will guide us forward through the unknown.

Help Requested: Lindsay Needs a Blogging Name

Ever thought about creating a name that represents all that you've been through and your personality all at the same time?

I hadn't until I came across Mel's post.

It's hard to keep up a blog (as we all know). That first year is full of holidays and events that are fresh for writing about. And then that second year you have to find a new way of going through it all over again. She decided to honour two years of blogging by coming up with a blogging name akin to a trail name as they do on the Appalachian Trail to honour the trek and keep you going. For more info because you're probably really confused) check out the link above.

So considering I've been blogging for ages now (over 4 years!), I think I've earned a blogging name. Once you know what I'm talking about, leave me a comment if you have any ideas. I'd like it to be fun but also representative.

Happy trails!

Little Reminders and Useless Products

So R and I got back from the Island yesterday (we had a lovely time despite my decrepit body) and we walked up to the apartment and there was a box sitting there. I looked at it and it's addressed to me. An Expedited Parcel with no return address. Hmmm... I was definitely curious. So we take it inside and it's rather light. I open it up and inside is some free baby stuff from Nestle. Crap! That must have been that thing I signed up for when I was buying my maternity clothes at Thyme (which I needed desperately at 5 weeks!). Crap! Now what? Well to be honest, the bag is quite great and will come in handy when we have a baby. It's a small insulated backpack with a pouch for a bottle. It be great if you'rr just going out somewhere briefly and don't need to carry everything with you. Or it can be a second bag. Either way, I don't feel like I need to give it away. However, they did send a can of formula, which considering I'm intending to nurse if I'm able, may not be too useful. I'd keep it but it expires in March 2010. Ummm, since my crystal ball broke the other day, I reallly can't tell you if I'll be able to use it by then. You see, my baby horoscope doesn't seem to work very well either, so we have no idea when we'll have ours. So, that leaves me with a can of formula I probably can't use. Anybody want it? I'm serious! Anybody know of anybody who could use it? I'll gladly mail it (as cheaply as possible) to the lucky Mom who can actually use it. Because this RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) gal really doens't have a need at the moment. If you want it or know someone who might, please let me know. I really don't need it sitting in already too small cupboards wasting space and I'm too practical to just throw it in the garbage. Come one! Free formula! You know you want it!!

On a last note, does this mean I'll be getting stuff in March when my baby won't be born? There are days when I wish the baby product people would get a little message from the universe after someone has a miscarriage telling them to remove us from their list. I mean seriously, give us a break here...

A Meme

"A meme is any idea or behavior that can pass from one person to another by learning or imitation. Examples include thoughts, ideas, theories, gestures, practices, fashions, habits, songs, and dances. Memes propagate themselves and can move through the cultural sociosphere in a manner similar to the contagious behavior of a virus." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme



I've seen and read meme's but I haven't gone all the way and participated. So here is my first true meme care of Helen. I'm not cool enough yet to be tagged to do a meme, so I'll do it anyway.



Today's meme is to go to the 6th photo file on your computer and post...but I kinda had to cheat because being an emerging professional photographer means I have stuff from my work I really can't post unless I have previous permission and they know about it. So I went to go post the first photo after the 6th photo. However it was a RAW file that I haven't converted yet... so the photo I'm actually posting is the one after that. Enjoy!






So this was taken one beautiful sunny day last year on my way to class at Langara College. Just me doing the creative fine art thing I do.

So pass this contagious beast on and spead the love.

I'm tagging Dave and Claire, both of whom I know will probably actually do so. (That, and I don't know anyone else who reads my blog on a regular basis, so there we are). Oh, and if you do the meme, leave a comment at the end of the post and I'll check yours out.

A Shout Out to Alanis Morissette

The Queen of Angst. I get her- a lot of the time.

And she gets me. Although in a different context...

"Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it'
Til I'm psuedo-making it
From scratch, begin again"

Sometimes it's nice to have to the words to match with the feelings...

On a more positive note, this weekend will find R and I in Victoria, visiting parents and friends (not as many as I'd like though). It's my Dad's b-day weekend. He turned 50 on the 14th.

Time to celebrate and enjoy being away.

Can someone please shake me???

Please?!?

Seriously! I hate being in this place sometimes. The place where you feel you're just sitting on the ground. You know you should probably get up and maybe you're even inclined, but you can't. So you just sit. And wait for something to change. In this place, you're okay, but you're not. You could be better.

I want to feel better.

I think I need a hand standing up.

Nature's Reminder

Sometimes when we least expect it, nature has a way of reminding us how things really are. Subtle messages hidden in beauty for those willing to look.

I planted bulbs on my balcony that should sprout in the spring. I also planted, Narcissis, or Paperwhites inside. You plant them now in stones and water in a container and let them go. They bring life to the indoors when the outdoors lay in winter. Mine have just started blooming. Taking them in, taking in their smell, I was shown a metaphor for life:

The Foundation:

The place of beginnings, of roots. Well planted, there is strength here. Not everything is seen- sometimes only fragments.

The Place of Growth and Structure:

Here is where we expand and reach out, searching for our potential, our dreams. Sometimes though, we're not strong enough on own own and we need help, something (and often someones) to hold us up.

Fullfillment:

When we let it all go and give ourselves up to fate, the most beautiful things can happen. Fullfillment, enlightenment and the ever elusive, happiness. Everytime I find myself growing from the ground up, learning the most difficult lessons, something magical happens: I blossom a little more.

So simple, so beautiful. So Life.

Live yours...Everyday.

The middle space

If you can't go back, but you can't move forward either, where are you? Are you stuck? Where are you?

The middle space, the in-between place where life seems to stand still. Strangely enough, here you can see things that may otherwise be hidden. Where you've been and that almost tangible future you're reaching so desperately for. But it's a little foggy. Nothing is for sure but everything is possible.

I am here, in this place. Just for a visit, though. I don't think I'll be lingering too long. What little strength I've found recently could disappear in this place, so I won't stay. I'm just resting. I feel a little weary but I'm feeling more like myself again.

Ahhh, much better

Can we get three cheers for last minute massage appointments? Thank you T for saving me! Seriously! I can move again! :)

Quick Rant

Okay, so it's this amazing sunny day and I plan to go for a walk on my lunch break in awhile to enjoy it. If I can move properly.

My right hip is killing me! The tissues around it have been sore for the last while, so I stretch and move it and for the most part, it'll ease up and go away.

So I'm on the Skytrain this morning and standing, which was fine. As we're approaching the station before where I get off, the women beside me starts to try and make her way to the door. Now, first off, lots of people get off at this station, two, I'm in her way and have no where to move to, and three, the train is still hurtling into the station and usually comes to a pretty abrubt halt.

So I carefully move a little so she can get by and she squeezes her way past me. We pull into the station and she tries to push past the guy next to me. To do so, she pushes backwards. Problem is, I'm still standing there. So she ended up shoving me backwards, where I lose me footing and fall in the next person standing there, who breaks my fall. My bags drop to floor and I barely catch the pole to stop myself from falling right on to the floor.

The doors open and the lady just strides on out without so much as an "I'm sorry"!!!!

OMG, the nerve!!!! People like that drive me crazy!!

My hip hurts like hell and I'm limping around like a cripple. Didn't manage a workout this morning, so I was really hoping to make sure of my lunch hour.

Anyway, rant over, back to a beautiful day.

A Love Letter to Friends

Ahhh, four-day weekends. It's amazing what a couple of extra days off can do for your well-being. I'm happy to report that I've been working out lots and upping the intensity and things are starting to happen. I've lost another pound this week and my jeans are starting to get that awkward slightly baggy feeling that tells you your body shape is changing. It's the best feeling ever.

As for other great feelings, I feel so chipper this morning. Lots of energy and optismism to spare. But I think that a portion of that has to do with the good things that happened in the last four days. It's all lead me to be reflective of where I am in my life and the people who are in it.

I've been reflective about friendships lately. As most people have experienced, surface friendships can come and go, but the good ones, the true ones, survive the waxing and waning and endure. I recently heard from a friend who had more or less dropped off the face of the Earth for awhile. Not an entirely new thing for me, but one that concerned me only because my instincts told me that something was "up" and there was more to the story than someone purposefully ignoring me.And I was right.

When SE returned my message almost a month later, all I could do was smile. Her message was sad and she is going through some difficult times (boy do I understand), but I couldn't help but just be happy she reached out. She let me in. Which confirmed what I already knew: that we still had a worthwhile friendship. The kind worth fighting for. In the months that we haven't spoken, so much has happened in both our lives that I took the time to write and explain from the beginning (March) what's happened with me, hoping that at some point, she'll be ready to go in more detail about her life. I want to be there for her.

Thinking about SE has made me reflective of the other great friendships I'm honored to be a part of. People I wish to tell you about in absolutely NO particular order! (I promise it's not reflective of anything but my mind rambling forward).

There's CT, who probably knows me better than I know myself. Who can read into the things I say (and more importantly, the things I don't say) and be able to help me put things into perspective. CT, who I start each year off with the search for the perfect quote to start our year right. Who gives the biggest hugs (surprising for someone of her petite size), that are some of the best hugs (she can match me, which is saying something). Our people-watching coffee dates are my favourite way to spend time with her.

AL- my kindred. The friend I've had the longest. Our friendship is so special because it's endured distance (we've lived in different cities for all but 1 of the 15 years we've known eachother). It's endured spaces of time where we don't talk for weeks or months. But a simple phone call and we automatically continue on as if the time away hasn't existed. She's quirky (in the best possible way) and makes me laugh. She reminds me not to take life so seriously all the time. But she also has an amazing heart that is sensitive and caring. I'm honored to be there when she gets married next year, just as she was there for me.

And DR, my virgo companion. He's just as anal, and dramatic, and probably insane, as I am. Who never passes judgement and is accepting of my flaws- perhaps it's that we have simlar ones, so by reflecting them in each other, we've learned to accept them in oursleves. I've watched him grow so much these last years, tackling one challenge after another, with as much dignity as he can muster (I'm so proud of him). Who I can chat with for hours, or simply sit in the same room saying nothing, and both being perfectly acceptable ways to enjoy each other's company.

CF, who for all our differences, how shown me what real friendship is by fighting with me to save ours. She's the only one I have ever had any real conflict with. And in that, I'm glad, because she found the strength to be at odds with me and force me to accept that there are situations in life where you do have to sometimes start over. We have a fresh start as friends, but our history guides us too. She is warm and funny and talented. A wonderful people person, she is also somewhat mysterious. The real friends in her life, I think, are the ones who are helping her to be at peace with that side of herself, all the while learning about themselves in the process.

CB I think of as an "Earth Mother". This wonderfully grounded, peaceful person who listens without prejudgement. I've had the pleasure of watching her grow into an amazing mother and wife. She's been an ear and a shoulder so many times but is never worried about keeping score. I feel so calm and sure of myself after every conversation. It's a wonderful gift, hers.

NG is my crazy cellmate in life. We get each other. We've both struggled with life and aim to make the most of it. We openly share everything that sometimes we hope the walls don't have ears. lol. We're both hoping for so much for this next year, and are there side-by-side to face whatever may come. When I think of NG, I think of her insane beauty. She has one of the most beautiful spirits I've ever encountered. It pours out of her in her passion for life and her dedication to her family and friends. Sometimes it leaves me breathless in awe.

CR is someone who means so much to me. She's like the older sister I never had. Wise and mature, but she also has an amazing vibrancy that'll keep her young all her years. CR is the one who taught me not to just trust my instincts but to follow through on them. She taught me that we sometimes have to set our fears aside, and say something, or risk making a mistake that'll we'll always regret. I almost lost her once, but she's still here in my life and for that I'll always be grateful.

CS is relatively new in my life. We "met" through an online forum (not the first time I've done that), and discovered how much alike we are. In her words, "We are like the same person on different sides of the country". We shared an experience at the same time that many other women have sadly had to go through. We bonded over joys and sadness and our optimism for the future. CS is going to be a 1st time mom in the spring- around the same time I was supposed to be due the 2nd time. This for me is special because that time would probably be very painful for me. However, a lovely and amazing woman is going to have her miracle then, and somehow, because it's her, I find comfort in that. I've only met her in person once, but I have this feeling we're going to be a part of each other's life for a long time to come.

Sweet, sweet AW. What conversation about amazing friends could be complete with her? When I've lost my faith in optimism and my hope has been shattered, she's the one who's pep talks can break through the negativity and help me find myself again. Her random calls to say "how are you, I've been thinking of you", have meant so much to me these days. Hell, even a brief text message from her brings a smile to my face.

SL is the little sister I never had. She reminds me of me. Her energy and crazy personality fill every room she walks in, barely containing her. This vibrancy translates into dedication, loyalty and passion. She's willing to work hard for what she believes in, including her friends. She reminds me of how I want to be, living life fully each and every day.

You're probably wondering if this will ever end, but no fear, a temporary stop is at hand. Surprisingly enough, I could say so much more about each of these people and so many others. Perhaps a Volume Two is in order. More than anything, I wanted to remind myself how lucky I am. Each person in my life forms a portion of who I am- this giant puzzle being built, decontructed and re-built continually. I am so honored that all of these people are willingly to be in my life. They give me strength. Remind me to be compassionate to others and passionate in the things I do. They hold me up when I'm too tired, and give me space when the world and life gets too claustrophobic for me to handle. They remind me to be me. And they remind me that will always be enough.

I love you all more than I can express (I don't say that nearly enough). Maybe some day soon, I'll try to do just that, but for now this will have to do. This crazy adventure wouldn't be nearly as fun or amazing without you.

So thank you.

Your "Drama Queen", Linds :)

Optimism only a sunny day can induce...

It's amazing how the sun shining can make everything okay.

Today was a day off, making this a four-day weekend. I have needed this so much every since September. I haven't really had any time to just relax and not worry about everything, so this is a really amazing.

So I didn't do a whole lot today. Although, what I lacked in quantity, I made up in quality. I had a really good workout and really pushed myself. 20 mins med-high intesity on the elliptical, 10 minutes strength training, 5 mins core worka nd then some well deserved stretching. So far so good. I always worry about over doing it but at some point I just have to risk it and up the ante.

There are days lately that I want to cry over my relapse. I admit it freely: I have moments of pure self-pity. And then it goes away. I really don't have the time or energy for that kind of negative self-indulgence. I mean thinking of yourself for a change is a good thing but lately, I've noticed that I go the route of pessimistic dwelling. It's not helping, so I'm done with that.

So I'm trying to get over that and stay positive. I'm on the verge of a new chapter in my life. I can feel it...

Picking myself up off the floor...

Today is a better day. Even yesterday afternoon was better. Re-reading my post from yesterday I almost tangibly hold the despair, anguish, and fear. The hope I tried to convince myself I felt was more desperate than real.

I suppose I hadn't given myself enough opportunity to process. I was so ready to think that everything was going to be so much more difficult, that I barely gave myself the chance to process all the information I had been given.

So we have to go for testing. And they'll give us results of some kind- positive or negative. Will it change the fact that I truly believe the next pregnancy will stick? No. Does it change anything about the fact that I've lost two babies? No. Does it mean we could have done something about all this earlier. No.

So it doesn't change all that much. I may have to take medication to strengthen my cycles, or I may not. If there's a genetic issue, it'll probably be a numbers game. Roll the dice and see what happens. I want to seriously believe that it won't happen every time. I have to believe that.

So we'll play the game of probability and put it out to the universe that we really want this and maybe things will go our way if we only give ourselves up to it- I've been humbled. I've also found my strength again. The warrior has found her way back into the game to fight for the dream once again.

So bring it on. Tests, fears, waits and whatever else we need to accept. We'll face it all... together. Because my husband and I saw our counsellor for our last session yesterday and came to the realization that after everything, after all the tears and the arguments and the pain, after it all, we're okay. We always were. We had just forgotten to let each other in. It was our last session unless we feel the need to go back to get help processing everything.

Tomorrow is a new day, and so is today. I've also realized that I had been holding my breath. Letting life pass me by on the chance that I'll be pregnant, or still pregnant. I've put things off, set aside my loves, the things I had been working on. Did I mention I had been humbled? I've re-learned not to let another day pass inconsequentially. My fibro helped with the humbling. I'm still in flare but it's easing. Only by relinquishing my fear of losing control can I take back it's hold on my life.

So I'll live today knowing that each tomorrow is another chance to try my hand at life again, and that each yesterday taught me something important. And we'll keep going. Because it's worth it, this dream we have and that R and I are clinging to. It's worth it and it always has been.

Finding a Place to Begin

There are days when I just wish I could go back to the beginning. That amazing place where trying to conceive a baby had magic and innoncence. Instead I'm here, stuck in sadness and I don't know how to get out of it. No innocence, no magic, just questions and fears.

I had accepted that we would probably need help in order to carry to term. I just didn't think it would be this extreme. Or at least it seems that way to me right now. It could be worse. They could tell us flat out that we can't have children. But they haven't. So there's the first glimmer of hope.

I saw my Dr yesterday to discuss my little theory about my screwed up cycles. As we sat down he asked if I had heard the results from the emryonic testing. I explained that we hadn't and were waiting for our Dec.18th appt with my OB to review them. Well, to my surprise, he had just gotten the report this week.

We miscarried a chromosomally abnormal baby boy. He had two trisomys (3 chromosomes instead of two) of Chromosomes 7 & 14. From what my doctor was telling me, both of these trisomys are rarer. And the fact that I had two at once at my age (I just turned 25 in Sept) is apparently cause for concern. My doctor is very thorough but never an alarmist. For him to be concerned enough to tell me that there may be genetic issue with my husband and I that could be serious, well, it got me freaked out.

So we're going for testing; and lots of it. Everything you can think of. We're being referred to a genetic counsellor to have both of us tested, I need a full gynecological and hormonal workup etc etc etc. All of this to find out if Ryan and I can have children together. At 25 years old, this possible reality hurts so much I can barely breathe when I think about it.

But there is another glimmer of hope. While we didn't get into my luteal phase issues too much, he did say that my charts will be very helpful to the specialists. I'm still pretty convinced that it's all related. I'm trying to focus really hard on that potential issue as there's a part of me that doesn't believe it's bad genes for the two of us. But I don't think it was simply just bad luck either. Low progesterone still can explain everything. If you really think about it, you can see where the problem would be.

With my last pg, I had a very clear implantion dip in temps on 10DPO and implantation spotting the next day. This is pretty much on the late edge of implantation but not necessarily a probelm. But maybe it is if your homone levels are too low. If progesterone wasn't being produced in the right quantites, then besides the obvious effects on the uterine lining, the embryo would be getting the nutrients it needed. As cells are dividing, this lack of nutrients could very well have caused something to go wrong. In my case, two somethings. I'm no doctor, but this is my theory and one I'll definitely be asking about.

So there is hope. It's the only hope I have left right now, so I'm clinging to it like my life depends on it; for me, for my husband and for our child-to-be.

Holding on to the pieces...

Today was a better day.

I woke up again in time to have a workout. That makes three workouts in four days. Not to mention my lunchtime power walks. I'm moving again. Stiffy, but I'm moving.

These last few weeks have been some on the most difficult. Even the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage wasn't like this. Then, I was in the place I expected to be. Hurting and angry and feeling hopeless. Now it's shifted to a place I hoped I'd never be again: flare. The place where negativity swirls around and threatens to consume me. It's grip is strong.

But what I learned last year is that I am stronger. I am so much stronger than that. And that realization keeps me going. Moving forward to where I want and need to be.

Forward to today, where things seemed more hopeful. The sun was shining so brightly for most of the day. Snow has fallen on the tops of the North Shore Mountains. The air was crisp and fresh. Everything seemed vibrant.

I still hurt. My body hurts and aches and my heart is still sad but it's gettting there- one tiny step at a time.

Tomorrow is the day of new beginnings, or at least that's what I keep telling myself, and hoping for. Always hoping...

Finding a place to start

November 4th:

Okay, I'm stuck and I'm not sure why...or maybe I do and I'm not sure what to do about it...
Yesterday I was all gung ho about calling my OB's office to try and get an earlier appt (ours is scheduled for Dec.18). Since I'm so certain about a luteal phase deficiency being my problem, the sooner I get the ball rolling on whatever test or treatments she'd want to do the better, right?

Right?

Well here I am. Stuck. I tried calling earlier but it was busy. I've been glancing at my phone for the last hour and a half trying to work up the nerve to call... but I can't.

I guess I'm afraid if I don't wait out the next six weeks and go in with even more concrete proof (via my charts), that she'll not take it seriously. But I don't know that she'll react that and really don't have any reason to believe so. She was great when I had the 2nd m/c and she was the one who did my D&C at the hospital. She has said that when we get the embryonic test results back, we'll go from there. She's obviously willing to help me stay pregnant.

So why can't I call?

November 5th: AM

So I did it. I made the call.

Yesterday I couldn't do it. I couldn't pick up the phone to call my OB's office and try to get an earlier appt. After thinking on it awhile, I realized I was scared- terrified even. Terrified to be here, at this place where you know there's something wrong and that without intervention, I will likely never carry a baby to term. That scares me so much. Such a big step, really, for someone who has had no obvious issues conceiving in the first place.

So I sat with this fear throughout the afternoon (and vented it on one thread yesterday) and overnight. And here we are today. It's a suprisingly beautiful day here in Vancouver and the sun is shining. I manged to get up for my workout this morning for the thrid time in four days (a huge accomplishment with my fibro calling the shots these days).

So this morning, I called my OB's office and asked about an earlier appt. But alas, it's not going to happen. My OB is away for three weeks as of tomorrow and my appt on Dec.18th is really the earliest I can get in. However, her assistant did suggest I see my GP and see he can get any testing I'll need done now, so we don't have to wait. Which means we'd have all the test results in by the time I see my OB!

So I called my Dr's office and I'm going in at 4:30 tomorrow. Me and my charts are taking the first step to making the dream a reality!

Five Years...

Five years ago, I met him. Stared into his eyes and saw my future. Heard his voice and knew that I never wanted to stop hearing it. I walked away knowing that I would marry him.

Leap ahead to today and I still see the same man, but we're different. We've changed. We've grown older and wiser (at least I'd like to think so). We've felt the greatest joys and had our hearts broken by fate. But we're still here. And we're fighting- clinging to the one thing we both know for certain: We were meant to be together, till the end of our days.

We had our second counselling session on Wednesday. I cried at one point and it was in that moment I realized how raw everything still is. How broken I've felt, how tired. I wanted more than anything to just give up. But he was there, knees touching mine, holding my hand, reminding me that he was still there, loving me. In our sessions with R-A. S. we're relearning how to talk to each other, how say what we need to say and how to listen to the other. And it's working. We're talking again. Not just speaking but having meaningful conversation.

A month ago I would've told you I thought all of this too big for us to deal with. But obviously that's not true, nor was it ever. We're so strong. So what that we both feel helpless and the world seems scary again. We're still here, together, moving forward.

So five years of love, joy, drama, pain, tears, laughter and dreams and we've made it here. To this place of new beginnings. Of Love that will always be there for us if we're there for it. It's really that simple.

Five years and counting. R... I love you more than I can possibly ever express with words or actions. So I'll leave it for my heart and soul to tell yours. And we'll leave it at that...

Reflection

I posted this response on a forum I'm on and thought it's was worth putting here too. The thread was called Looking for Hope- How'd You Do It? It's on a message board for coping with miscarriage...

Hi all,

Thought I'd jump in and add my two cents worth (and I apologize in advance for it being long). First off, I'm so sorry for your losses. I've been where you all are, twice. M/C [miscarriage] leaves you in a very difficult and wierd place, a place most of us never thought we'd be. How do you change that, how do you move on?

I think in some ways, we don't. M/C will always be a part of us. It's shapes our identity, forever changing how we look at life. We no longer look at pregnancy as something that equates to holding a baby in your arms. The innocence is lost.

But that's where each person has a choice. The pain and hurt you feel right now is real and it should never be brushed aside, especially from yourself. It will gradually change and get easier to deal with. It won't feel quite so raw. More like a lingering sadness. Sometimes it'll hit you when you least expect it. And in some ways it's good not to forget. It reminds us how fragile life is. And how beautiful.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that I have to consciously choose not to be the victim here. I'm choosing to be a survivor. Because I have survived, we all have. We're making it through one day at a time. And hopefully, we'll all find our way towards trying agin. But how, you may ask?

In my humble opinion, it's because the dream is so much stronger than the nightmare. Our desire to have a child leads us to risk it all each and every time we try. To risk heartbreak and empty arms to have a chance at one of the most amazing moments any of us can imagine: holding our child for the first time. Those of you who have children already, know this and perhaps for you, you'll reach this realization faster than others. Or perhaps not. So we risk it all, in some cases, over and over again, because the dream is just that strong.

So what is the point to all this rambling? I sure don't profess to have it all figured out. My life feels like it's in tatters, my beautiful strong marriage is rocky and I'm coping with depression along with a chronic pain condition that has flared becuase of the m/c and all the stress.

I guess my point is, that it will get better. Proably not today and maybe not tomorrow. But at some point in the near or distant future, we'll all look back and know that we came out this experience more strong, and determined and humble. We'll move forward knowing that our worst fears had come true but yet we still made it. We may not be the same women we were before, but maybe, we can hope we're better.

And maybe that's the best we can hope for. And yes, despite your fears about not making it through... you will. You are that strong!

All my best wishes and thoughts. I'm a regular all over these boards and always here to talk...Hang in there...

Just thought I'd share this. It's a good reminder for myself when I have a bad day that I don't truly believe my world is ending. :)