A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood

Today is a gorgeous summer day. There's a cool breeze that only living by the ocean can get you and the sky is an amzing blue dusted with streaks of thin cloud.

In a little while, R and I are heading downtown to participate in the World Partnership Walk. My company is a sponsor so we have a good large team walking. It's 5 kms but at least I don't have to walk the entire thing if I'm not up for it. We'll see how it goes.

I will do a Show and Tell post later today depending on when I get back from a friend's b-day bbq.

But first a quick update. I wanted to tell you this on Friday but I never had a chance! We had our big ultrasound on Friday. The anatomy scan. It was amazing. We got to see Bean on a big TV and the tech talked while she took her measurments. I had to go pee so badly I could barely drink 1/2 a glass. I had to pee twice before my appt, so I was worried I wouldn't be full enough and they wouldn't be able to do the u/s.

Well I shouldn't have worried. It was fine. Although the tech did point out why I had to go SO badly... Bean's head was directly on my bladder. Yeah, thanks love. As R commented, Bean needed a pillow...lovely.

The scan went great. The tech was awesome and pointed out differnt organs and bones. Her spine was the most beatuiful thing!

Oops, did I let that slip? Yep, you heard me. While we'll wait for our 3D u/s next month for a second confirmation, we're having a girl!!!!

I cried during this u/s, not because it was a girl but becuase after all we'd been through, the tech told us all the measurements were perfect and that coupled with the bloodwork I did (that came back negative for genetic issues), we have a healthy baby.

What more could we ask for?

It was the perfect end to a long and stressful week.

Celebrating the Journey

I can't believe I'm here. Really... I think sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming and none of this is real. Well, at least until I feel a kick or a roll. The other day it was a honest to goodness somersault!

Bean and I today at 20 weeks in all our glory!

Wanted: Peace of Mind and Body

Sorry to have been AWOL.

Stress. It's a b*tch! I am trying many different ways to keep it under control but lately, I could cry at a drop of a hat. Maybe that's hormones too?

In any case, in the grand scheme of things, my health and that of Bean's is most important, but as most people living in the real world can attest, it's not always that simple. But I'm doing the best I can.

I'm seeking a peaceful breathing space and trying to make it to Friday afternoon when we get to see Bean again and maybe even discover what we're having. If Bean cooperates that is. No guarantees this time around.

Tomorrow is also another milestone I'll celebrate then with a belly pic: 20 weeks...

For now, an image in which to meditate into...

Getting Back on Track

Every wondered what happened to my reading list goal? Yeah, since getting pregnant, I've read 0, read zero, of the books on my list. Hmmm, I'll buy the being tired and ill before, but now that I'm better I'm thinking I need to get going again, spend some time in the sun and kick back.

For now I'm re-reading my Harry Potter series in sequence. It's almost summer, who says I have to read anything too serious?

Although, I don't know about you, Voldemort could definitely be considered serious drama. :)

Show and Tell: Balancing the Past and the Future

I wasn't going to do this as a Show and Tell post but somehow I convinced myself it just might be welcome. With the conflict that has erupted in the ALI community recently, it seems like you have to tread very very carefully, even on your own blog. I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling by talking about my pregnancy, and I certainly don't want to diminish the pain and sorrow others have felt or are feeling right now. But please don't run away just because I lucked out for once and have a viable pregnancy...

What I want is for everyone to step back and remember a moment of pure joy. A moment where they felt that everything was alright in the universe. That brief second of peace.

When you find that moment, doesn't it amaze you how hard it is to hold on to? How bittersweet it can be for those of us in the ALI community since joy often is coupled by sadness of some sort. Maybe it's that someone in our Community beat the odds by getting pregnant but then lost it. Or someone has discovered that they have other battles (like cancer etc) to fight as well as IF or RPL. Maybe it's that they have come to the conclusion that they cannot have children of their own and make the very difficult decision to live child-free. Or maybe they have left the community or are taking a break because of misunderstandings and they need space now to deal with it.

I don't know about anyone else, but it breaks my heart to see this last one happen. I'm not going to get into details or debates and I'm certainly not opening myself up to being fodder for someone else's misunderstandings. I have felt the hurt of a random comment, whether it was intentional or not, so I understand how things could spiral.

What I would like everyone to ask themselves is, if we step back from the situation for a moment, is it actually how we think it is? When we step back from anything and allow ourselves a moment of perspective, we often realize how easy it it is to misread things, even our own lives and memories.

And this is how we come to my Show and Tell for the week. It's a late post and I don't know how many people will read it, but I felt the need to talk it out.

This weekend is a hard one for me. It was the May Long weekend (in Canada) last year when I had finally realized that I was in fact pregnant (despite a neg hpt probably taken too soon) and losing my first baby. We were up visiting my husband's family because it was his Grandfather's 80th b-day and the family was throwing him a surprise party. I had been spotting for 10 days straight after having a "normal" period. Something wasn't right. I knew this instinctively. In fact, I had myself convinced that I was pregnant after probably a couple days after conception. I felt ill and off. I have since learned that my fibromyalgia makes me so in tune with my body I often don't need a hpt to know I'm pregnant. But the test was negative, so I brushed off my instincts.

So we went up to see his family and participate in the festivities. Meanwhile the cloud of doom hovered over my head. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was miscarrying. But I couldn't do anything to confirm it until after we returned and I went to see my Dr.

The party was great. Family from all over Western Canada came and I got to meet a whole set of the family who hadn't been able to come to our wedding. It was a great day. But it had it's bittersweet moments. Like when one of his cousins announced that she was 12 weeks pregnant.

Smack! Just what I needed at that moment.

But when I look back, yes I remember that weekend as the prelude to the day when the cramps and bleeding started, but I also remember it as a beginning. It was the first moment when I realized just how much I wanted and was ready to be a mother. To start our family. Such moments are so defining, it's hard to describe. But they change you.

One year and three pregnancies later, I have come full-circle. I lost my first two babies. They weren't just two pregnancies, but life-altering presences that will forever define who I am. Just as this little one wiggling inside me does. Do I forget the pain of losing Alex and Kenneth? Certainly not. And those who brush away a loss as "just something that happens" are denying themselves an incredible opportunity to grow and evolve as a person.

Does it hurt like h*ll? You bet. I have experienced many losses in my life but the loss of my babies cuts deeper than even I know. Please don't ever think that having a so far successful pregnancy now changes that or makes me forget what it is like.

But there is joy. There is always joy. If we just step back to see it. Everyone is capable of finding their joy, even if it lasts only a brief moment.

Sometimes that moment is just the spark we need.

I truly believe that the beauty of our Community is our ability to be there and support each other, through the good AND bad. There have been times when, rationally or not, I've felt that my voice now that I'm pregnant isn't as welcome in the Community. I think maybe it's not that it's not welcome but that it's been fear on my part. Fear to feel happy and joyful about what's happening in my life. That others couldn't go there with me. Some may not, but those who have stayed on the sidelines, cheering me on, constantly remind me of the beauty of shared human experiences.

We are never alone.

Don't forget to drop by and see what the rest of the class is rambling on about...

18 Weeks, 1 Day

So at my OB appt, she measured me. "Typically", the centimetre measurement corresponds roughly to the week of pregnancy give or take a couple. At 17w5d, I measured 20cm...

Are you ready for the belly pic?

Really?

Voila!

Bean in his/her own personal bouncy castle... (and yes, they've been that active today!)

Baby Brain Stirkes Again

I know I promised a belly pic, but of course, I got home from work and realized my camera is at work. Oops! :O

Tomorrow, fingers crossed...

Mexican Jumping Bean

So here we are, Wednesday already. I'm watching American Idol (who's going home?!?) and then America's Next Top Model. I know, I know... but they're guilty pleasures.

So, my weekend. It was great! It was a rush trying to get out of the office on time to catch my buses and the ferry but I managed it! Had the loveliest weekend visiting my mom and some family and friends. Got to hold my 4 week old 2nd cousin (so adorable!) and it was quite lovely.

It struck me as I was on the bus coming into town. Sometimes, I can't tell if it's the city that's changed so much (which it has) or if it's myself who's changed. I know it's a bit of both but I was struck by how my perspective has changed over the years. I've been in Vancouver for 4 years now (!) after living in Victoria for 8. As we drove down the main road I began to notice how, I don't know, "worn" the city looked. I mean, it just seemed that the homelessness and "grit" of the city was much more in your face. I think it has a lot to do with a city that growing so quickly and the bad economy making bad situations worse.

But there are beautiful things in Victoria. And places. And it's still holds a very place in my heart. It's just strange to see the changes. Maybe it's the perspective of impending parenthood that is making me look at things closer, more critically. I'm not sure.

Meanwhile, Bean in kicking up a storm. RED ALERT! We've got one active baby here folks. Maybe a swimmer or dancer or althete. Who knows! But it's amazing and still quite distracting since even the kicks are still light enough that it can tickle. Still makes me laugh... aloud! lol.

Somehow I can actually begin to picture holding this tiny creature who's taken over our lives. And it amazes me and scares me all at once.

Tomorrow is 18 weeks and you know what that means... another belly pic. Till tomorrow...

Checking In

Just stopping in to say hi and that I'm home. Too tired to fill you in on my weekend and appointment just now but suffice to say that all is well.

My OB said the words, "everything is looking great"! Music to my ears. Bean thinks so too. Been very excited today.

:)

A Nice Long Weekend

Going to see my Mom and some friends this weekend. Looking forward to relaxing and getting away from the insanity of the last couple of weeks.

Feeling mostly better today, although not 100%.

I have an OB appointment on Tuesday morning, so I'll be able to discuss things then.

Till then, have a great weekend all, and I'll check in when I get home.

Oh, and Bean says hi. :)

Lessons in Apathy and Kindness

Dear Apathetic Transit-Goers:


Your inability to be conscious of the world around you amazes and frightens me. I get it, it's early in the morning, your tired. But so am I. What happened to our levels of awareness that we don't notice potentially critical situations going on around us? We're so caught up in our iPods, books and newspapers, that we don't notice people anymore.


At 4 months pregnant, I am VERY obviously pregnant. I was raised to give those who needed a a little more help, a seat on the bus. You know, seniors, people with disabilities, pregnant woman.


This morning on the Skytrain, in the span of three stations, I started feeling overly warm and sweaty. When I had gotten on it was very busy and I had already let one train go by because it was so full. Me and my baby bump require more room than most people allow at this time of day. But I was running later than I wanted and had to be at a meeting and print a bunch of documents. So I got on and had to stand.


I don't know if you know this about pregnant woman, but we're not supposed to stand in one position for too long. Why? Because our blood volume is increased so much that if we don't move around a little, it pools away from major organs to our feet.


Now, not only was our train so full I couldn't move anywhere, the heat was on. Bad combo! By the time we got to Broadway Station, I was peeling my jacket off. Halfway to Main Street Station, I was getting dizzy. My vision started going black. I knew I had to sit down before I fell down.


I was standing near the door right beside a row of seats. I leaned over to tap the shoulder of the girl next to me reading her book to ask if I could sit down because I was feeling dizzy. She looked so surprised and then got up to give me her seat. I sat down but I could barely see and my body felt numb. I was swaying around trying to keep myself upright.

We make it to Main Street (two stations short of where I needed to be), I grab my bags and get off the train. As soon as I hit the cold morning air I felt better. I sat down on a bench and tried to wait out the dizziness. Everyone was staring at me, some concerned, but no one said anything.

Another train pulled into the station and all of a sudden a guy walks up to me. I look up and I see our office building maintenance guy S. He asks me if I'm alright and if I need first aid. I was doing okay by that point, and said that I was fine. I told him what happened and he was shocked. He was really nice and stayed with me and made sure that I got a seat on the train (despite some women cutting me to grab the only seat). Since we were going to the same place, he made sure I got there okay. He was the only one who even bothered to see if I was okay.

So just a note to the average person minding your business. If you get a gut feeling that something is not okay with someone, FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! You never know when that could make the difference and help someone.

Sincerely, The Freaked Out Pregnant Woman
________________________________________

I ate right away when I got to work but I was really shaky. After a couple of hours I still wasn't feeling great and would sweat and feel faint if I walked around the office. I called my OB's office but she wasn't there. I talked to her assistant and a couple hours later, after consulting with another Dr in the office, they told me to go home and rest and drink lots of sugary drinks.

I'm feeling better and had a good nap in the afternoon. But this whole thing really scared me! I mean, what if I had actually passed out sitting there on the train? I would have just looked like I was sleeping, so what then?

I have my next OB appointment on Tuesday, so we can discuss any potential issues then. It could be also something silly like low iron. But I'm fine and not too worried about it.

Tomorrow's train ride better be better. If I don't get a seat right away, hormonal protective Mom-mode will kick in and people better beware. Oh, and yes, I will be eating something before I run out the door...

A Swift Nudge

Everyone keeps telling me to breathe. I think I might hyperventilate. Oh, yeah, I guess they meant deep breathing.

I'm trying but it's hard. The sheer volume of work I'm trying to cope with is unreal. And hormones are NOT helping! I've never been a weepy person but the teary breakdowns in my office shock me.

I am so stressed that I'm worried about my fibro flaring. My arms ache from all the typing I've been doing. That's not unusual though, I'm used to typing document after document with no problems. Hence the fibro flare-up fear. Say that three times fast! ;)

The only thing that got me through today was this awe-inspiring creature stirring inside me (and tickling me into giggles).

And then I felt it.

Flick! A little foot (I'm guessing) connecting. The first felt kick. Almost if Bean was saying, "Hey Mom, remember me? Take it easy!"

All I want to do is protect this life growing in me. But to do so, I have to protect myself.

Can I go on mat leave now?

Show and Tell: Spring Greetings

While I didn't get the wonderful layers of blooming I was hoping for, my garden does have something to show for itself.

The tulips are all that bloomed in two containers of layered bulbs, except for one crocus that died weeks ago. I have crocus stems but no blooms. :( But the three that have bloomed so far are really lovely.

The pansies however, are a story of defiance and resiliance. After being crushed by a foot and a half of snow and frozen and thawed several times by our uncharacteristic cold and snowy winter here on the west coast, they have come back to life. They remind me that if you hold on long enough, you can thrive and even shine. My hubby commented that he'll think twice about calling someone a "pansy". ;)

Stop by Mel's to see what else is blooming in class...

16 Weeks

More baby, less bloat. :)