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Sunday, March 01, 2009

Show and Tell: Searching for the Pot of Gold

As often happens with these Show and Tell posts, I have no idea what I'll show or tell until I click New Post and start typing. Sometimes I'll shuffle through the photos on my computer until one clicks. That's what happened tonight.

I should clarify the next part of this post by explaining something first. Today was one of those days where you do something impulsive and wonder if it's going to come back and bite you in the *ss. I was quickly reassured that it wouldn't. Long story short, my Mom got the link to my blog from the episode resulting in this post. But for some odd reason the link wouldn't let her read any of my recent posts. So I decided to give her the link to my blog.

Now I know some of you are thinking Is she crazy? But you have to understand how deep and close the relationship with my Mom is. We are born 25 years apart to the day. I'm her little birthday present. :) That bond has been there throughout my life.

So giving her the URL to my blog this morning may have been impulsive but it felt right. This afternoon I got an email from her. It made me smile. Well, it also made me a little emotional to tell you the truth. She was talking about some of the stuff I wrote in this post, some of which I had never told her. It wasn't that I was trying to hide stuff from her, but more that how do you begin some of these conversations?
Suffice to say, my blog did it for me. And her response was touching. And since I know she'll be reading this post, I'll say "Hi Mom, Love you!".

Which brings us to my show for the week...

When I saw this photo I thought about all these childhood memories I have. Some people wish they could escape adulthood and be a kid again. Me? Not a chance. I loved my childhood, as crazy and dramatic as it was but I really don't have any desire to re-live any of it.

As hard as some of these recent years have been I have come to like where I am in my life. Granted I could do without the diagnosis of a chronic illness and losing two babies but this is where I am. I like being "grown up". I feel I can appreciate things in life and the world around me so much more than I could have as a child or teenager. I respect it for all it's whirlwind, insane and profound nature.

And yet, I know all of us have moments of wistfulness where we wish we could go back to a simpler time in our lives where our cares were few and our dreams big. I find my dreams just as big these days, but as for cares, well, I don't think we have enough time for that list.

Suffice to say, as I move forward this week to our ultrasound on Thursday and this pregnancy is deemed viable or not, I'll be thinking of simpler times where dreams really could come true. For me, it's the time before D, my brother, died. A time when we were free to just be kids. This was before the cancer came back the last time, before the hospital visits and the knowledge that our time together wouldn't be the lifetime we always imagined we'd have as siblings. This time of ours was fun and in a small way carefree. But you want to know what's funny? At this moment, I can't recall an individual memory that stands out. But I don't think that's the point. I think the fact that I can remember a time of pure innocent happiness is enough. It's always enough. As I converse with my Mom these days, I realize that sometimes we have to take those times and build them back into the present. And the future too. So I'll dream dreams over the rainbow and whatever else come to mind and hope for the best.

Do you have a childhood dream or fantasy that you cling to to help you through the realities of adulthood? Is it a single memory or just the people you were with?
On your way down Memory Lane, stop by Mel's and see what others are reminiscing about...


Kristin said...

What a beautiful post. I'm glad your mom having the url worked out so very well for you.

As for when you said this..."Some people wish they could escape adulthood and be a kid again. Me? Not a chance. I loved my childhood, as crazy and dramatic as it was but I really don't have any desire to re-live any of it." I agree with you 100%

Hoping and praying this pregnancy is a viable one and you get your miracle.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

When I was in college, my family systems prof asked us what at what age was everything perfect? Looking back over your life, when can you say you were truly happiest... no strings?

I know I've mentioned it before, but for me it was when I was 6. Before I knew about the bad stuff in the world. My life revolved around books, barbies, and lego.

In fact my favourite poet summed it up quite nicely when he said, "But now I am six, and clever as clever. So I think I'll stay six now, for ever and ever!" -AA Milne

If I could be six again for a day, knowing that I wouldn't have to go thru all that came after it, I think I would. For a day.

WiseGuy said...

My memory box refuses to budge. Wait, let me correct it... I have too many of them and I do not want my emotions to overpower me.

It is so great that your Mom and you have the same birthdate. I am also glad that you share such a close bond...These kind of relationships are always a pillar of strength.

Come Thursday...I feel something positive for that day, but I will not write it down just yet!

Take Care and be good!

infertilityrocks said...

Beautifully written! I had a panic this past week when my mom visited from across the country, and my dumb dh kept referring to my blog...grrrr! Even though I'm VERY open with my mom about my IF, I felt very protective over the content of my blog. Maybe I'll let her take a peek someday. Maybe.

As far as childhood memories,things were not so great for me, but I do remember cuddling up in my mom's lap during a particularly grueling case of stomach flu and rocking for hours (in between stomach pukes). That was a good place to be.


Queenie. . . said...

I don't wish I could go back to my childhood (it was often lonely and difficult), but sometimes I create for myself the things that I feel like I missed during my childhood, if that makes any sense. My husband loves to indulge his inner child, too, so I like to think we have the best of both (the adult and child) worlds.

You are so brave to give your mom your blog link. I could never.

Good luck with the u/s this week. I wish you the best news ever.

Arian said...

I do miss the carefree summers at my grandmother's house when I was a kid. If I could go back, that is probably the time and place that I would choose.

I'm not sure I would really want to go back though. Knowing that I would have to give up all of that happiness and imagination for what I have now? I'm not sure I could.

battynurse said...

Beautiful post.
Sending positive wishes that the pregnancy is viable.

Cara said...

As you well know I stroll down memory lane often! Maybe I'll see you sometime...we can get a coffee!

And you might now know that my mom gets email notification to every post I publish. She asked, I said sure. We're all grown up, right? My life is what it is and I think she can deal when I have a conflicting opinion.

Positive, viable thoughts for your babe.

Beautiful Mess said...

That's a very beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing. I'm very glad that you don't regret telling your mom about your blog. I've considered telling my dad about my blog and giving him the link, but I'm still on the fence about it. As far as memories go, I always think about the summer of 1988. That summer my best friend and I had so much fun. Plus, we were really into boys and having a boyfriend for the first time *GASP* It was a great summer.

Anonymous said...

Thanks L for the confidence you have in me, enough to let me in this special place. Your writing moves me beyond words.

As for my childhood memories, on one hand as you know I wish to forget, but there are many that overcome much of that. Like my little dog and I sitting in a tree overlooking a ravine, listening to the water rush by and just a feeling of total peace. I was about 8 at the time and things were still somewhat "idyllic".

I always knew that I would not raise my children as I was raised. Open and loving was my motto and it has come back to us tenfold!

Many blessings and prayers for thursday. Love M

Liv said...

I love that you and your mother are close and that you consider yourself her birthday present. Very cool.

Unfortunately, communicating with my mom is so different because English is not her first language and there's a significant culture difference.

I wish I could even just talk to her about it, much less have her read my blog.

Anyway, as far as remembering a time, I think about our trips to Europe years ago. We had so much fun, and spoke about coming home having conceived a Euro baby.

If only.

MrsSpock said...

I just spoke with my friend J, who I've known since I was 3. Our childhoods weren't carefree, but we relished leaving the house at dawn on Sundays and walking on the yellow line in the middle of the road all the way to the Hostess Shop. The cashier would always be running late to open the store and would give us tons of free cakes and pies in exchange for helping her put all the price signs up. We'd get stuff for ourselves and stuff for our siblings. Then we'd walk into town and have breakfast at Friendly's- a double helping of home fries and some toast with strawberry jelly for me.

Kim said...

Great post! I really don't have a childhood memory I cling to. My childhood was not terrible, I was loved and provided all the things I needed, but I can't recall any moment that reeks of innocence or simplicity. Messy divorces will do that. What it does do for me is remind me of the way I want my marriage to be and the kind of family life I want my children to have and to continue to work to make that happen.

Lori said...

Oh, you and I are sister-archivists. In our minds, anyway.

First, I am wishing you the best on your next appointment. Much of it!

Second, I remember making fake commercials with my sisters on our little reel-to-reel tape recorder. We had such fun doing those!

Good question.