I should clarify the next part of this post by explaining something first. Today was one of those days where you do something impulsive and wonder if it's going to come back and bite you in the *ss. I was quickly reassured that it wouldn't. Long story short, my Mom got the link to my blog from the episode resulting in this post. But for some odd reason the link wouldn't let her read any of my recent posts. So I decided to give her the link to my blog.
Now I know some of you are thinking Is she crazy? But you have to understand how deep and close the relationship with my Mom is. We are born 25 years apart to the day. I'm her little birthday present. :) That bond has been there throughout my life.
So giving her the URL to my blog this morning may have been impulsive but it felt right. This afternoon I got an email from her. It made me smile. Well, it also made me a little emotional to tell you the truth. She was talking about some of the stuff I wrote in this post, some of which I had never told her. It wasn't that I was trying to hide stuff from her, but more that how do you begin some of these conversations?
Suffice to say, my blog did it for me. And her response was touching. And since I know she'll be reading this post, I'll say "Hi Mom, Love you!".
Which brings us to my show for the week...
When I saw this photo I thought about all these childhood memories I have. Some people wish they could escape adulthood and be a kid again. Me? Not a chance. I loved my childhood, as crazy and dramatic as it was but I really don't have any desire to re-live any of it.
As hard as some of these recent years have been I have come to like where I am in my life. Granted I could do without the diagnosis of a chronic illness and losing two babies but this is where I am. I like being "grown up". I feel I can appreciate things in life and the world around me so much more than I could have as a child or teenager. I respect it for all it's whirlwind, insane and profound nature.
And yet, I know all of us have moments of wistfulness where we wish we could go back to a simpler time in our lives where our cares were few and our dreams big. I find my dreams just as big these days, but as for cares, well, I don't think we have enough time for that list.
Suffice to say, as I move forward this week to our ultrasound on Thursday and this pregnancy is deemed viable or not, I'll be thinking of simpler times where dreams really could come true. For me, it's the time before D, my brother, died. A time when we were free to just be kids. This was before the cancer came back the last time, before the hospital visits and the knowledge that our time together wouldn't be the lifetime we always imagined we'd have as siblings. This time of ours was fun and in a small way carefree. But you want to know what's funny? At this moment, I can't recall an individual memory that stands out. But I don't think that's the point. I think the fact that I can remember a time of pure innocent happiness is enough. It's always enough. As I converse with my Mom these days, I realize that sometimes we have to take those times and build them back into the present. And the future too. So I'll dream dreams over the rainbow and whatever else come to mind and hope for the best.
Do you have a childhood dream or fantasy that you cling to to help you through the realities of adulthood? Is it a single memory or just the people you were with?
On your way down Memory Lane, stop by Mel's and see what others are reminiscing about...