I had a lovely weekend. R and I took Bean to see my family for an early Christmas since my Dad was home on his week off. It was nice to visit with my parents, brother and Aunt. To see how everyone reacted to Bean after not seeing her for a whole month. It was a happy time.
I wish I could have been as happy as I knew I should be. Don't get me wrong, I laughed and enjoyed everyone's company. But there was a part of me that was quiet and a tiny numb. Friday afternoon, my Mom and I went to the mall and hung out and talked. She's been in my shoes and dealt with depression before. It was nice to talk to her, to put it all out there. It's also brought everything to the surface. Normally, I'd say that would be a good thing but I did find it hard to put it to the side completely so I could just simply enjoy myself. Perhaps it was getting only 3 hours of sleep Friday night due to Bean too noisy of a sleeper. Normally she sleeps in our Living Room in her bassinet since she keeps me awake. That wasn't an option since Bean likely would have had a cat joining her. She was also restless and a little fussy. We think it was because she's older and knew she was in a different place. It took a night for her to adjust.
Last night was better for both of us... thankfully. I feel a little better today.
I think the hardest thing about depression is the feeling of numbness. At some point you just disconnect from things around you, including your senses. I saw my GP on Thursday. I'd like to say we had a discussion about my PPD and fibro but that's not usually how it works. He hears what I say and will respond but often I'm not always sure if he actually listens of not. Probably not an unusual occurrence for Doctors. I'm at least used to him and how he works, so I know what to pull from what he doesn't say.
He gave me a one month supply of Lyr.ica to try if my fibro pain gets bad. He'd rather I not go on anything unless I really need it, because it can have side effects. The med will help me sleep and also help the depression. However it's a pain med not a depression med. So I can't just start it to help the PPD. He did ask if I was doing any stretching, which I haven't been. But I have been walking, which I told him. So hint, hint, I have things to do. In reality, it's all part of the lifestyle management that helps me cope with the fibromyalgia. I had a spark of real pain on Thursday and Friday but that's been it so far.
As for the depression, it was sort of put on the back burner if you ask me. Whether he thought it was a serious issue or not, I'm not sure. My Mom suggested I see my OB about it. I had my post-partum check-up a week ago, so I doubt it would be much of an issue to go back.
In a way I feel in limbo. In a place between handling things on my own and needing medical intervention. Do I start the meds, or wait for the fibro to get a bit more serious? Do I just do the lifestyle steps- diet, exercise and stress management and hope it's all it takes?
I'm not sure what the answer is. Despite not having family in my city, I do have a group of girlfriends from my online message board. We all have babies around the same age and one of the gals has a touch of PPD also. We went for a walk early last week to commiserate. It was really nice. Then another friend came over for a visit. Thursday, I was overwhelmed with all the prep I had to do for our weekend away, so my PPD buddy K came over and helped. She watched Bean while I went back and forth from the laundry room in our building, washed my tub, helped me pack, made lists of things to not forget to pack and was in general a lifesaver. Her company alone helped.
Perhaps that's the key. Just having people around. I'm such a social person that I have found parenting a newborn very isolating and lonely. I can talk on the phone and write here but sometimes you just need a physical presence beside you to remind you that you're not alone.
I'm in a strange place and we'll see what these next days bring. I have at least two visits with friends plus a visit to work on the agenda for this week. Also, Ben gets her first set of vaccinations. That should be interesting.
Time to go. Bean is still sleeping . Expecting her to wake up with in the next 30 minutes or so to eat; unless of course she pulls another bout of long sleep. That would make three in three weeks. Boy can I not wait for her to start sleeping through the night...