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Thursday, December 31, 2009

It Is What It Is

I apologize in advance for what is sure to be a rambling ADD riddled post. After a week away, can you blame me? And you never know, this make take more than one post.

We got home Tuesday. I was never so glad to have my own bed and get our Bean back on a routine. Silly person that I am, I thought that having our own space agaon would be good. I am an idiot. Back into said routine, I'm trying to keep myself together and write without crying. I very nearly want to call my dear husband and tell him to come home. He's at the Library working on his Thesis. And I need him to work on his thesis so he can get a job so we don't end up homeless and begging on the street for money to buy formula and diapers. And besides, if we're lucky, R will be able to find a Wii on sale- if they're not all sold out.

Speaking of formula, Baby Girl is eating her third meal of the day. I swear she just ate and went down for a nap. We paused for a diaper change, I LOVE diaper changes!! I know, I'm nuts. But it's these moments when we're face-to-face and I have her undivided attention. She listens to whoever is talking to her and begins grinning like an idiot. She smiles like her Daddy and her Grandpa (my Dad)- right into her eyes. It melts not just my heart but every part of me.

As I was changing her just now she stared into my eyes smiling. I burst into tears. At the beginning of this post I had convinced myself that I could hold out, that I didn't need the medication. Staring at her, soaking up all her sweetness, I know I have to- for her, for R and for myself. The fibro is slight, the PPD deafening in it's roar. They feed off each other. I need to break the cycle.

So here we are on the eve of a new year. I will start it having had my heart full with more joy than I thought possible. And I will start it trying to fix the things that have gone wrong in my body and my mind.

I feel a bit like a failure by needing the meds. And you don't have to say it, I know there's nohting wrong with medication if you need it -I've heard it all. Right now this is how I feel. I'll get over it.

So I wish you a Happy New Year. I have much to catch you up on and much catching up to do myself. But tonight, I am going to curl up with my incredible husband and my baby. We're going to read a bedtime story to our dear girl, put her to bed and watch a movie (or play Wii if we're lucky).

And then I will take the step I need to to fix this.

See you in 2010.

9 comments:

Kristin said...

Happy New Year!

I think the hardest thing I ever did was admitting I needed medical help for my depression. I understand where you are coming from and why you feel that way. {{{Hugs}}}

Quiet Dreams said...

I've needed medication for depression several times. It's not easy.

Here's to an amazing 2010 for you, and hoping that the PPD fades quickly.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Happy New Year my friend!

I know I don't need to say this, but there is no failure in needing meds to help you through. You are a wise and thoughtful woman, and you know your limits. Do what you have to do to and know that there are gangs of us out here supporting you.

Crossing my fingers about the Wii. If I have to, I will send you ours. ;)

Dora said...

Sounds like the right decision to me. Do what it takes to quiet the roar and soak in the sweetness.

Happy New Year from me and my little bundle of sweetness.

areyoukiddingme said...

If it's what you need to make your life right, get it done!

Happy New Year - and I hope 2010 is a year with no PPD!

Pundelina said...

Happy New Year! I think you've made the right choice and that things will get better very soon.

x

WiseGuy said...

Happy New Year to you birdie!!!

First of all, I wish that your DH's thesis fructifies soon!!

And that you get that Wii!!

And that you have an awesome time with Bean....

Look at it like this, if you had a wound on your forehead, and your doc asks you to keep it clean/covered, won't you use a Band Aid? Same ways, think that you are using a Brain Band Aid, and once the wound heals, there would be no need for the Band Aid!

Belt said...

Ugh. PPD. I know. It's terrible. Taking medication is not evidence of failure. For me, it is the surest sign that you are moving forward and looking to make important changes to improve your own health and well being.

IF Optimist, then... said...

You are a remarkable person to recognize what you need and have the courage to get help. This is a triumph, not a failure and we are all proud of you. So glad that you enjoy the soft quiet moments of joy that the Bean and your husband are giving to you. And babe, if you get a Wii. I'm telling you Dance, Dance Revolution House Party. Ah yeah.