The tank (of energy) has obviously been running pretty low. Some of this is normal, but to be honest, when you have a chronic illness sitting on the back burner, it's a risky game to play. Still, I really thought in those first few weeks, that I was going to be fine. But tiny bit by tiny bit, I was using up the reserves. Then I tapped into the spare tank and eventually here I am with my little gas can wondering how I fill it back up. It's not like I can run to the magic gas station and fill 'er up for free. It costs something.
The cost is the balance I'm trying to find. To steal a little time to get some rest means I'm not doing something else I need to. Laundry, making dinner, writing Christmas cards, mailing said Christmas cards. Silly things, some of it, but I don't know about you but I like having clean underwear and I'm pretty sure my daughter likes her sleepers clean too. Oh yeah, and baby requires constant attention most of the time.
So at what point do you say "that costs too much"? What happens if you reach that point? I know what I need to do but it is daunting. Yes, I need to exercise. But when? Do I choose exercise over a nap? Socializing keeps me sane, keeps me going. But again, it's at the expense of time I could be sleeping. I imagine I could probably sleep all day given the option. How sad is that? Pretty typical of depression (I quite remember it from before), but still, I don't want to go there.
Intravenous caffeine? Hey, not a bad idea. Kidding, just kidding... well, partly.
So where is this all coming from? Baby girl slept 8 hours last night!! 8 beautiful hours. I slept 4 before getting up to check on her, since we "broke the rules" and let her sleep on her stomach last night. She had her 2 month vaccines and it was the most comfortable position for her at the moment and soothed her as she was cranky and fussy. So I got up and turned the heat down a bit and heard her sigh the sweetest sigh. I smiled and went back to bed.
My head hit the pillow. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for a full hour. By 3 I was almost in tears. Exhausted tears. I felt a hand slowly rubbing my back. It calmed me a bit. At some point I fell asleep, I'm not sure when. Bean finally woke up at 5am hungry. R got up and feed her. We both got up for the morning around 7:30.
That brings me to now. I had a pretty good night's sleep all things considered. The tank was at minimum and I was hoping to fill it up a little. To be at a place to put the gas can back in the trunk for a rainy day. Then the phone rang. I crawled back into bed after hanging up and tried to go back to sleep. 10 minutes later I resigned myself to the inevitable and got up.
I'm hoping for a better tonight. And a better tomorrow. It will get there. I will get there. I've done it before- come back that is.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.