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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Tank Half Full, or Half Empty?

I was 30 minutes into a much needed nap. I was thinking to myself, "if I can just get a little sleep now, maybe I'll finally start to fill up the tank a little". It wasn't to be. The phone rang and it was yet another call about RESPs! I almost wanted to yell at the poor lady, "What makes you think that the middle of the afternoon is a good time to call new parents?" I spared her the lecture. But it was ironic when she asked if I was getting more sleep these days.

The tank (of energy) has obviously been running pretty low. Some of this is normal, but to be honest, when you have a chronic illness sitting on the back burner, it's a risky game to play. Still, I really thought in those first few weeks, that I was going to be fine. But tiny bit by tiny bit, I was using up the reserves. Then I tapped into the spare tank and eventually here I am with my little gas can wondering how I fill it back up. It's not like I can run to the magic gas station and fill 'er up for free. It costs something.

The cost is the balance I'm trying to find. To steal a little time to get some rest means I'm not doing something else I need to. Laundry, making dinner, writing Christmas cards, mailing said Christmas cards. Silly things, some of it, but I don't know about you but I like having clean underwear and I'm pretty sure my daughter likes her sleepers clean too. Oh yeah, and baby requires constant attention most of the time.

So at what point do you say "that costs too much"? What happens if you reach that point? I know what I need to do but it is daunting. Yes, I need to exercise. But when? Do I choose exercise over a nap? Socializing keeps me sane, keeps me going. But again, it's at the expense of time I could be sleeping. I imagine I could probably sleep all day given the option. How sad is that? Pretty typical of depression (I quite remember it from before), but still, I don't want to go there.

Intravenous caffeine? Hey, not a bad idea. Kidding, just kidding... well, partly.

So where is this all coming from? Baby girl slept 8 hours last night!! 8 beautiful hours. I slept 4 before getting up to check on her, since we "broke the rules" and let her sleep on her stomach last night. She had her 2 month vaccines and it was the most comfortable position for her at the moment and soothed her as she was cranky and fussy. So I got up and turned the heat down a bit and heard her sigh the sweetest sigh. I smiled and went back to bed.

My head hit the pillow. I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for a full hour. By 3 I was almost in tears. Exhausted tears. I felt a hand slowly rubbing my back. It calmed me a bit. At some point I fell asleep, I'm not sure when. Bean finally woke up at 5am hungry. R got up and feed her. We both got up for the morning around 7:30.

That brings me to now. I had a pretty good night's sleep all things considered. The tank was at minimum and I was hoping to fill it up a little. To be at a place to put the gas can back in the trunk for a rainy day. Then the phone rang. I crawled back into bed after hanging up and tried to go back to sleep. 10 minutes later I resigned myself to the inevitable and got up.

I'm hoping for a better tonight. And a better tomorrow. It will get there. I will get there. I've done it before- come back that is.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.


MrsSpock said...

I admit I spent the first 6 months on the couch with a messy house. Chronic illness plus newborn equals not being able to get back to baseline with the fibro. Once I started Lyrica, it helped tremendously. I was able to sleep through the night- though I had to be nudged awake by my husband, and I did have a few weird sleepwalking episodes. When my pain was reduced enough, I could exercise and do things around the house.

I always tell people that having fibro means starting your day with less of a gas tank. Right after J was born, it was like having only 40-50% of a normal person's tank full. With an infant, you spent most of your energy just doing what you can for them, and have nothing left over.

areyoukiddingme said...

It's hard to refill the gas tank without fibro. Turn the ringer off on the phone when you lay down for a nap. Could you try having your husband get up (if necessary) every other night? I'm sure he's working, and so you don't want to ask him. But if you need help, he's the one who's available to step up to the plate. Do you have any family who can come and stay with you for a week? It would make a fine Christmas present for you and the baby. And, if you can't sleep, maybe you could use that time for a little exercise - yoga or something relaxing.

Hope you don't mind suggestions. I know it's hard to think when you're worn out.

Melis.sa said...

if there's anything your dh can take over, have him do it..

it gets easier, i promise, it gets easier..


Elizabeth said...

Oh, I so know the agony of not being able to get back to sleep when you need it so much... So hard. My college roommate has fibromyalgia and I daily saw how hard it was for her to keep the balance, as you say, of all the different things you need to keep in play. Wish I could come over and do your laundry and dishes for a week!