Baby woke up at 6:30. Husband got up to feed her. I crawled out of bed at 8:30 feeling numb. I then proceeded to get ready for the day and do something I loathe...
Christmas shopping at the mall in the week before Christmas.
It could have been worse. I did go by myself which allowed far more freedom in the crowds. But you should have seen it! A mall with over 400 stores can pack an insane amount of people in. The line-up at the bookstore was unbelievably long but the sales clerk in charge of the line-up was lovely. He made my day with his sense of humour. He told everyone that the line-up was only 7 minutes long. Someone asked him if he had timed it which he said that he actually did. He then proceeded to "bribe" us by passing out candy canes.
It was such a simple thing and it made my day. No one was shoving, stamping their foot or being generally irritable. A big difference from the Star.bucks line-up where I very nearly took off the head of the girl behind me because she decided that her huge designer purse required more space than she had in line and every time she moved she banged me with it. I almost became one of those grouchy people muttering under their breath, cursing the holidays.
Almost, but I restrained myself and took a couple deep breaths.
Last night I did something I wasn't sure I could... I went to a Chirstmas party. Hubby's co-worker and his wife were throwing an appys and drinks shindig and invited us out. So we went, baby in tow. There's nothing more amusing than meeting people and having them introduce themselves to the baby first and then the parents. People often apologize but I'm used to it by now so really don't think anything of it.
I knew several people there but it was hard for me. Normally, I could walk into a room of hundreds of people and mingle no problem. But these days a party of 20 people has me anxious. I get claustrophobic in small spaces right now. So most of the time, I sat in the Living Room by the fire and talked to people as they circulated. Sometimes I had the baby, other times she was circulating with Daddy. I should point out also that our lovely host came around and offered to fill my wine glass from time to time.
Two and half glasses later... I was really glad I only had the half glass and not a full third. Mildly drunk I changed Bean's diaper and got her dressed in her pajamas. She had had about enough of the loud place and strange people. She had been awesome (as she usually is) but after awhile, her tolerance dwindles. She was tired and needed to have herself a good cry. I didn't blame her, Mamma understood. So I took her to a quiet room, covered her with her blanket and rocked her to sleep. It's about the only time we will do this since she normally puts herself to sleep. We left soon after she settled down.
We all slept like babies last night. ;)
I think the hardest thing about last night was enduring the regular bout of questions... "How's Motherhood? Are you enjoying being at home? Getting more sleep these days? Are you breastfeeding" The funny thing is I really don't think people want to hear the real answer; they just ask the questions because it's convention. And let's not discuss what happens if you tell them something that is outside their comfort zone.
One woman there was a younger Mom like myself. She had an eighteen month old. She was really nice to talk to and refreshingly didn't try to give me every piece of advice that exists under the sun. While I didn't get into the PPD and I think she could sense I was a little bit "off" and was really sweet about it. She didn't push and let me say as much or as little as I felt. Her daughter was really cute as well and really interested in everything around her. I would look at her and then glance at Bean and try to imagine my little girl that big. Just can't quite do it yet.
I know, I know, they grow so fast, time passes so quickly, blah blah blah. Let me just enjoy her as she is right now. It's a hard enough to do that one simple thing some days, let's not force time to get away from me. I want to just soak up her new smiles and let them heal what seems to be somewhat broken. Here's one of those precious smiles...