I fell.
In a way I saw it coming but I missed the point where I hit the bottom. Now I'm sitting there wondering what the hell to do. I'm seeing my Dr this week for Bean's 2 month checkup and vaccinations. I also need to get my seasonal flu vaccine having already gotten the H1.N1 shot.
And having had depression before, I know he'll agree that I have PPD- Post-Partum Depression. I found the Edinburgh Post-Natal Depression Scale. It's out of 30. Anything over 10 is likely depression of some degree. I scored 20.
Well, there you go. I kinda figured.
We'll see what my GP has to say about it. I really don't want to go on medication unless I absolutely have to. I stocked up on vitamins. Hoping keeping my immune system healthy will help my fibro. I've felt painful aches in my hands and wrists and my left knee- usually when I'm really tired... which is often. The early morning feed is usually okay but it's been difficult these last couple of days.
Last night was particularly bad. She had been fussy all evening and was taking forever to finish her bottle. I'd take it away thinking she was done but then she'd get all upset. I woke up at 2am. I was still feeding her at 3:30 when someone knocked on our door. I thought it was next door but then it got louder. I went to the door, baby in my arms, and the person tried opening it. It was locked of course. Freaked out I asked who it was. A guy in a red coat said "Gunner". *Note: Who calls himself "Gunner"? Really?* I said I didn't know who he was. He said " of course you do". I said that I didn't know who the hell he was and that I didn't ring him up- that he had the wrong apartment. I went to go get R to deal with it and by the time we got back to the door "Gunner" was gone.
I went back to the couch to continue feeding my daughter. I started shaking. R sat with me until I was better and then went back to bed. The next feeding was his.
Tomorrow I'll be talking to our rental office to let them know what happened. Had I had our security number handy (the company has changed a couple times since we moved in), I would have called last night. I also lock my door at all times. I hate being paranoid but I have a baby to think about.
So I'm locked in my apartment and emotionally not quite stable. There's a good combo.
Lucky for me, the weather has been sunny and dry this last week and for the new few (I think). That means I can get out for walks. Fresh air and exercise helps.
All is not lost. I may have PPD but at least I know it. That means I can do something about it. Just need to have a place to start...
9 comments:
I'm sorry you have this pain in your soul and that late night knocking was just plain scary. Sending lots of love and hugs.
Ohhh....that's a huge volley of depressing stuff. You have to find out about who this Gunner idiot was, and has he harrassed other people in your vicinity as well. You have to be extra careful. Jeez, that was a very close shave.
I applaud your decision to not go on medication, but be very careful about what decisions you make. With a small baby at arms, I can't even recommend meditation.
Please take care.
i'd be freaked out by the middle of the night knocking myself.
Take care of yourself ((HUGS))
I hope the doctor has some suggestions for you, but if medication is what it takes, please consider it. Also, try to get more sleep, because that always helps.
Crazy people knocking on your door in the middle of the night - I guess that's the downside of apartment/condo living. You'd think whoever buzzed him in would have been on the lookout. Oh well, I'd be keeping my door locked anyway, even without strange encounters. You're not locked in, the rest of the world is locked out.
Good luck Lindsay. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Hugs. So sorry you are dealing with this.
I think recognizing PPD is the hardest step to get to so the fact that you are already there is huge. Talk to your doctor, be easy on yourself and ask for help.
Thinking of you.
You are so right - recognizing it is the first step and such an important one. I hope your GP has good suggestions for you - both for the PPD and the fibro.
The whole "Gunner" situation would have freaked me out. For days. Since Skeeter has been born I have found myself crazy protective. I'm glad R was there when it happened.
Sending you thoughts of peace and strength . . .
I used to live in a creepy neighborhood and had some random guy pounding on my door at 2AM- until my neighbor Jorge came out to tell him to buzz off. Scary!
I ended up having to take Lyrica after J was born, and loved it. It was like a miracle drug- my pain was reduced within days, and I could take care of my child. You know if you need meds, it's OK. If your body and your mind aren't working properly, there isn't anything wrong with taking them. Both fluoxetine and Cymbalta can do double-duty as far as depression and fibro.
Sorry hun. Take care of yourself. Remember, there is nothing wrong with taking medication if you need it. I know it's hard for some people to take medications like that for depression, and taking medication itself can be difficult, but as someone who has depression and goes on and off meds throughout my entire life- I know that sometimes you really do need it. But if you can find a way to manage it without medication that is also fine, I am managing mine lately without meds. It's hard. Really hard. But for me, not taking it right now is worth it. I hope your doctor has some suggestions for you that will help with everything, and many (*hugs*) to you.
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