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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Determination is Everything

Shortbread. Glorious Shortbread. And so much more tasty since the whole trying-to-burn-down-the-apartment incident. And not just any old shortbread, but my favourite scottish shortbread. But I decided to modify the recipe and make them chai chortbread. They melted in my mouth. Yum.

I think I'm enjoying them so much because of the pain (literally) involved in making them. It makes me think of the journey I've been on so far in my life. The many times where pain was involved and where sheer determination was able to bring about happiness.

When I was diagnosed with my fibro, I was so discouraged. I was in pain, both physical and emotional and I didn't know how to get out of it. Once my doctor told me that losing weight would help my body feel better, I had a plan of action. So began my journey to a healthier lifestyle. It took months of work with A, my personal trainer, but in the end I walked down the aisle on my wedding day pain free and confident. I also danced the night away with R. It was the best day of my life to date. Fantastic in every way.

This last year has been so difficult (again). The two miscarriages took so much out of me and it is only now that the clouds have lifted that I can see just how much I lost; not just my babies, but of myself too. It's like I had willingly given away parts of myself these last years without even realizing it. Pieces that on their own seem so insignificant but when you gather them altogether they form a hole.

But what I've realized is that the hole isn't empty. It's been filled with other things. Filled with the love and compassion from others. Also faith and hope that the journey I'm on is a worthwhile and amazing one. I'm gathering all the strands of my courage to take this next step. January is the beginning of a new year. The month itself I think holds another new beginning. I can't be sure just yet, but I'm hopeful. I'm also determined. No giving up for me. Never really been the kind. But sometimes I've been known to need a swift kick in the behind to get off my butt, stop feeling sorry for myself and take that next step. I'm ready now, really ready. I feel joyful and so light inside. Everything is possible.

I started out talking about cookies and ended up here. What is it about food that makes me turn philosophical?

P.S. My fingers are doing much better now. Thanks for all the comments. And yes, I do know about parchment paper and fully intended to buy some the other day but forgot. It's on my list to buy tomorrow.


bunny said...

courage and determination are two characteristics i really admire. when the going gets tough, some courage and determination will go a long way.

i'm glad you were able to enjoy the fruit of your labors!

Helen said...

I love this post. You sound amazingly strong, and it's something that we all should look to.