Finding a place to start

November 4th:

Okay, I'm stuck and I'm not sure why...or maybe I do and I'm not sure what to do about it...
Yesterday I was all gung ho about calling my OB's office to try and get an earlier appt (ours is scheduled for Dec.18). Since I'm so certain about a luteal phase deficiency being my problem, the sooner I get the ball rolling on whatever test or treatments she'd want to do the better, right?

Right?

Well here I am. Stuck. I tried calling earlier but it was busy. I've been glancing at my phone for the last hour and a half trying to work up the nerve to call... but I can't.

I guess I'm afraid if I don't wait out the next six weeks and go in with even more concrete proof (via my charts), that she'll not take it seriously. But I don't know that she'll react that and really don't have any reason to believe so. She was great when I had the 2nd m/c and she was the one who did my D&C at the hospital. She has said that when we get the embryonic test results back, we'll go from there. She's obviously willing to help me stay pregnant.

So why can't I call?

November 5th: AM

So I did it. I made the call.

Yesterday I couldn't do it. I couldn't pick up the phone to call my OB's office and try to get an earlier appt. After thinking on it awhile, I realized I was scared- terrified even. Terrified to be here, at this place where you know there's something wrong and that without intervention, I will likely never carry a baby to term. That scares me so much. Such a big step, really, for someone who has had no obvious issues conceiving in the first place.

So I sat with this fear throughout the afternoon (and vented it on one thread yesterday) and overnight. And here we are today. It's a suprisingly beautiful day here in Vancouver and the sun is shining. I manged to get up for my workout this morning for the thrid time in four days (a huge accomplishment with my fibro calling the shots these days).

So this morning, I called my OB's office and asked about an earlier appt. But alas, it's not going to happen. My OB is away for three weeks as of tomorrow and my appt on Dec.18th is really the earliest I can get in. However, her assistant did suggest I see my GP and see he can get any testing I'll need done now, so we don't have to wait. Which means we'd have all the test results in by the time I see my OB!

So I called my Dr's office and I'm going in at 4:30 tomorrow. Me and my charts are taking the first step to making the dream a reality!

Five Years...

Five years ago, I met him. Stared into his eyes and saw my future. Heard his voice and knew that I never wanted to stop hearing it. I walked away knowing that I would marry him.

Leap ahead to today and I still see the same man, but we're different. We've changed. We've grown older and wiser (at least I'd like to think so). We've felt the greatest joys and had our hearts broken by fate. But we're still here. And we're fighting- clinging to the one thing we both know for certain: We were meant to be together, till the end of our days.

We had our second counselling session on Wednesday. I cried at one point and it was in that moment I realized how raw everything still is. How broken I've felt, how tired. I wanted more than anything to just give up. But he was there, knees touching mine, holding my hand, reminding me that he was still there, loving me. In our sessions with R-A. S. we're relearning how to talk to each other, how say what we need to say and how to listen to the other. And it's working. We're talking again. Not just speaking but having meaningful conversation.

A month ago I would've told you I thought all of this too big for us to deal with. But obviously that's not true, nor was it ever. We're so strong. So what that we both feel helpless and the world seems scary again. We're still here, together, moving forward.

So five years of love, joy, drama, pain, tears, laughter and dreams and we've made it here. To this place of new beginnings. Of Love that will always be there for us if we're there for it. It's really that simple.

Five years and counting. R... I love you more than I can possibly ever express with words or actions. So I'll leave it for my heart and soul to tell yours. And we'll leave it at that...

Reflection

I posted this response on a forum I'm on and thought it's was worth putting here too. The thread was called Looking for Hope- How'd You Do It? It's on a message board for coping with miscarriage...

Hi all,

Thought I'd jump in and add my two cents worth (and I apologize in advance for it being long). First off, I'm so sorry for your losses. I've been where you all are, twice. M/C [miscarriage] leaves you in a very difficult and wierd place, a place most of us never thought we'd be. How do you change that, how do you move on?

I think in some ways, we don't. M/C will always be a part of us. It's shapes our identity, forever changing how we look at life. We no longer look at pregnancy as something that equates to holding a baby in your arms. The innocence is lost.

But that's where each person has a choice. The pain and hurt you feel right now is real and it should never be brushed aside, especially from yourself. It will gradually change and get easier to deal with. It won't feel quite so raw. More like a lingering sadness. Sometimes it'll hit you when you least expect it. And in some ways it's good not to forget. It reminds us how fragile life is. And how beautiful.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that I have to consciously choose not to be the victim here. I'm choosing to be a survivor. Because I have survived, we all have. We're making it through one day at a time. And hopefully, we'll all find our way towards trying agin. But how, you may ask?

In my humble opinion, it's because the dream is so much stronger than the nightmare. Our desire to have a child leads us to risk it all each and every time we try. To risk heartbreak and empty arms to have a chance at one of the most amazing moments any of us can imagine: holding our child for the first time. Those of you who have children already, know this and perhaps for you, you'll reach this realization faster than others. Or perhaps not. So we risk it all, in some cases, over and over again, because the dream is just that strong.

So what is the point to all this rambling? I sure don't profess to have it all figured out. My life feels like it's in tatters, my beautiful strong marriage is rocky and I'm coping with depression along with a chronic pain condition that has flared becuase of the m/c and all the stress.

I guess my point is, that it will get better. Proably not today and maybe not tomorrow. But at some point in the near or distant future, we'll all look back and know that we came out this experience more strong, and determined and humble. We'll move forward knowing that our worst fears had come true but yet we still made it. We may not be the same women we were before, but maybe, we can hope we're better.

And maybe that's the best we can hope for. And yes, despite your fears about not making it through... you will. You are that strong!

All my best wishes and thoughts. I'm a regular all over these boards and always here to talk...Hang in there...

Just thought I'd share this. It's a good reminder for myself when I have a bad day that I don't truly believe my world is ending. :)

My Sassy Girl

If you liked Little Miss Sunshine, you'll like this remake of a very popular Korean film.

My Sassy Girl is freakin' hilarious, and has fantastic dialogue. Oh and Elisha Cuthbert is amazing.

Surpasses date movie status- meaning that you don't need a date or to be on one to enjoy it.


http://www.goldcirclefilms.com/movies/movie_my_sassy_girl.html

From the Bottom Up...

I put them away. Safely tucked them away within reach. I know I'll be needing them sooner rather than later but just not yet.

Baby things. Cute and soft and lovely. They were mine. Things I wore or used. A yellow velour jumper that I remember dressing my dolls with when I was a kid. Tiny satin baby booties and a pink baby brush and comb.

I put them away. And that makes me sad. But not the kind of sad I was before. Before it was an overwhelming grief that threatened to break my last thread of strength. In some ways, it did. There's a part of me that was lost with our baby and I'll never get that back. But slowly, I've been filling that hole with somehting I didn't think I'd find again: Hope

Someone on a forum I'm on mentioned a great book that she had picked up at the library. reading her post, I thought to myself, "Duh, what an idiot, why didn't I think of checking out the library for info?" I'm an avid reader, so why didn't I think about doing so? Who knows. Grief spins you in weird directions. So one weekend, my husband and trecked down to the Central Branch of the Vancouver Public library, and I went hunting.

4 books later, I held in my hands something I had lost in this crazy situation: Control. I know that when you welcome a new life into your own, you have to give up that control. I just didn't think I'd be here, the Survivor of two miscarriages. But this book has given me some of that control back. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm at but I do know it'll get there.

R and I have started counselling and that is a huge step forward. Hopefully we'll come out of this stronger than before. Ready to take our life back in our hands and leap forward...together.

Catching up

Here are some of the forum entries (or partial ones) about where everything went well and then went wrong:

August 12, 2008:

I had my first OB appointment:

I went to my appointment and the place is REALLY nice! Each of the exam rooms have ultrasound machines!

The temp OB came in (mine's on holidays) and we ended up doing the full prenatal Q&A. Thought it would be a short consultation but she also did an internal exam, pap smear (I'm not worrying about any spotting) and then to allay my fears abot this pg, she offered to do an ultrasound!!

So we got to see our little bean! Basically a tadppole with flippers! lol! But sooo amazing!! I actually gasped, I was so shocked. But she tried to find the heartbeat and was having a hard time. She actually had a hard time finding the baby at first and it took awhile. So the angles made it difficult. That and she wasn't a untrasound tech and I didn't have a full bladder.
Suffice to say that we thought we had a heartbeat but it seemed really slow and might have been an echo of mine. So we're not sure. BUT... I have a dating ultrasound on Monday, so we'll know then wether this pg is viable or not.

I really need it to be! The m/c in May was horrible and I hope to never go through that again. So cross your fingers for me! I'm trying to be really positive but could use a little extra hope...

August 18, 2008:

Dating ultrasound revealed no heart beat and dated me two weeks earlier than my dates indicate. And I'm certain about my dates. Have a follow-up ultrasound in two weeks to see what's going on.

September 2, 2008:

Had my ultrasound and it confirmed what I knew in my heart.... our baby hadn't grown past 6 weeks, 4 days and had no heartbeat. On top of that, 4 weeks later, I finally have started miscarrying. I'm relieved it's at least happening on it's own.

Suffice to say that I am numb and devastated. But I have an amazing OB who is willing not to wait for a 3rd miscarriage to figure out what's going on (is concerned because I'm so young- 25 this Thursday and haven't had a live birth). We'll be doing some tests to see if it was chromosomal (and therefore inevitable) or if there's something in my system that's preventing me for carrying a pg. This time hopefully we'll have answers and maybe some peace of mind knowing that the next time we decide we're ready to try again, we may have some back up to help us through.

September 4th, 2008:


I spent my 25th B-day in the hospital!!!

Thursday (my b-day) I filled my prescription for Misoprostol which is supposed to contract the uterus and speed up the miscarriage. Well it worked... TOO WELL! The contractions, well were exactly like being in labour would be and I was in agony. Then I starting bleeding... A LOT! There was so much in the evening I got really scared and got DH to call an ambulance. I knew we couldn't deal with it on our own and in the end I was right to call.

Paramedics came and agreed that I was not okay. We went to BC Womens, where my OB delivers and said that we'd do a D&C if I ended up choosing to. Figured that was the best option as I was supposed to take any tissue there in the first place so we could get the genetic testing done. Paramedics tried calling the hospital to warn of our arrival but had no luck with their weird phone tree system. Got to Women's and some idiot at the front desk told us to go to Van General because they only take women 22 wks or later (which it turned out was BS).

Get to VGH and was admitted into the ER. They ran tests, did exams and decided to keep me overnight for observation. Bleeding and cramping slowed to almost nothing by 1 am Friday and I managed to get a little sleep (in between the nurse checking my vitals). Had an ultrasound at 8am and it showed that there was still tissue left so I opted for a D&C.

Took forever to get admitted and get a room. Also had a hard time finding out when the surgery would be because the OR had a bunch of transplants to do and other critical cases. Got a room on the ward at 6pm and by 9 they were prepping me for the OR.

If you've never had a general anaesthetic, it's one weird experience. It happened so fast. One second, they're hooking me up to the ECG and then next thing I know I'm fading into darkness and soundlessness. Next thing I know it's a little after 11pm and I'm in the recovery room. Groggy as all hell too. Takes awhile for me to be able to move and talk.

They give me a while and then move me back to my room where I sleep soundly except to have my vitals taken again at 2:30 and 6 am. Breakfast at 8:30 was crappy hospital food but the best crap food ever considering I hadn't had anything food at all since 5 pm on Thurs. Even then it wasn't a meal but I was in too much pain to eat, so my last real meal was lunch that day.
The D&C was uncomplicated and went really well. I have no pain at all right now and am bleeding only a little, much like a light day of af. Feeling much better emotionally too. I had a major breakdown about 30 minutes before calling the paramedics and I think that made the whole hospital experience easier. I had better coping skills by the time we got there.

All in all my 25th b-day sucked big time but it's now over. My OB (who happened to be on call last night and did the D&C) was able to retrieve the tissue. We'll get results of the genetic testing in about 3 months (maybe less); just in time for DH and I to be allowed to start trying again if we're ready. I know when depends on the next while and how we cope and grieve.

New Season, New Beginning

Summer has finally arrived! Well, actually, I think it really arrived last weekend and it's just decided to stick around. This weekend has been beautiful, just like the last weekend. When we were in Kelowna last week, it was 30 degress and I even managed to get a little bit of colour wihtout burning. Always a bonus. Yay for Vitamin D!

Think we might go out this afternoon across the street to the field with our beach blanket and relax in the sun and read or something. Not up for much else. Had a scary moment this morning because the bleeding has intensified like crazy. But couple that with feeling a little bitchy yesterday and I think I've just gotten my period a week earlier than expected. There's nothing more discouraging than knowing it all started on the 5th and it's still going.

Ryan and I finally came to blows so to speak over the situation and finally really talked about everything on friday night. He was avoiding thinking about it becuase he really didn't understand what was happening to me. I was blunt and maybe a little uncaring in the way I did it, but I've been in so much emotional pain that I needed him to understand the reality of what a miscarriage means physically and emoitionally. I had to explain the trauma of watching everyday the reamins of what should have been our child leave my body. Once he understood that, we were able to come to grips on the situation together. We're okay now and we talk about it, which is the biggest step. It's no longer just me doing the talking. We're finally in this together again.

And at the same time I finally allowed the grief to hit me and I just broke down and cried. It was... freeing and healing. I'm not "better" all of a sudden, but I am better than I was. I can laugh and have a good time with people even if I'm not as social and bubbly as I normally am. Still coping, but I'm glad things are almost over with and I can finally move on. What a relief. The next month is all about slowly getting my life back on track. I want to get back into my fitness routine (not working out is driving me crazy!) and eat really well. I want to start getting my weight back to a healthy level again.

Time for a new start. After all, As Claire reminded me: Anything is Possible...

Waiting

Today was a a better day. Especially compared to yesterday. The pain was such that I could barely walk or sit up. I called the Dr's office to sees if my test results were in. There were and I was asked to come in (which confirmed the result for me right there) and that I might need an ultrasound.

So I (slowly) made my way downtown and waited about ten minutes before I saw my doctor. I walked into his office and he told me that my suspicions were correct, I was pregnant (duh). And that the bleeding would indicate I was miscarrying (double duh). But what I didn't know was that my hcg ("pregnancy hormone") levels were normal. I registered at 436 which puts me at 3-4 weeks pregnant. But that was as of Tuesday and I've been miscarrying for probably a week and a half (maybe) and the levels would have been slowly dropping from their peak.

In the end, he didn't send me for the ultrasound. I don't think I could have handled it; it would have put me over the edge. My first ultrasound should only happen when I'm actually pregnant! But he figured that I was too far along in the miscarriage and not far enough in the pregnancy for anything to turn up. Whew! (I think...)

Been off work the rest of the week. Too much pain yesterday and today, while it's lessened, it's not gone. More positive today, but been a little lonely. Normally when I'm stressed or sad, a workout helps, but I'm not even allowed to do that!

My world has momentarily shattered. But I'm putting it back together, one piece and one day at a time.

Another Day

I was hoping today would be a little better. Boy was I wrong! The slight cramping I had been having for the last couple of days broke out into outright pain. By the afternoon, it was uncomfortable to sit upright or walk around too much.

Went in to work this morning even though I really didn't want to. But I felt obligated to work on the millions of things that I have going on. But I ran into my manager in the elevator on the way up and told her that I wasn't doing well and was in pain and she basically sent me home. I was there until 9am and then went home. Off tomorrow too. Just need time to heal physically and emotionally.

I'm being positive (most of the time), but also allowing myself to fell the entire ranfe of emotions that roll through me. And Ryan's there for me even though he struggles to comprehend what I'm going through.

As always, time and love are the greatest healers.

Trying to Cope and Be Positive

Well, I don't know what to think or feel right now as my mind is running rampant and my emotions are all over the place.

In the last week of April, I had the strangest bout of nausea and was certain (and I mean absolutely certain) that I was pregnant. But on the Sunday, it suddenly disappeared and the next morning I got my period. We thought, "oh well, next time".

That was May 5th. Today is the 20th. It's still going, 16 days later...

On day 12 I was starting to believe that something was up and that maybe I was right in the first place. Could it have been that I really was pregnant? If so, then all this bleeding would mean I am having a miscarriage.

Then we went away for the long weekend (I'll talk about that in another post). Couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that I had lost a baby I didn't even confirm I had had. Strange.

Saw my doctor today and went for blood work to see if we can still confirm my pregnancy. It may be inconclusive though, since it's been so long since I first starting bleeding.

We're 95 % sure (or at least I am) that I am miscarrying right now. I have all the symptoms and they're not pretty. It may be more info than you want to know but since you can probably watch CSI and ER with no problem, I figure you can handle it...

Aside from the start and stop again spotting, I'm passing quite a bit of tissue and blood clots (creepy to witness trust me). And in the last couple of days I've starting to have lower abdominal cramps.

Physically, it difficult but nothing compared to the emotions. I mean, I know I was only 4 weeks pregnant, but I was still pregnant (despite what the test may say, I firmly believe that a woman's intuition trumps all). And now I'm not.

But there are some ltiny silver linings... I DID get pregnant, so I know I can. The miscarriage doesn't change that. And there was obviously something wrong with the pregnancy and my body knew that it shouldn't continue. I trust that and am glad it happened sooner rather than later.

But I'm a bit of a wreck right now. Went into work but left at Noon. I just can't focus. We'll see whether or not I go in tomorrow. I think what I really need is some me time. Time being the operative word. I just need to digest this and feel everything I need to feel. Go through the grieving process and be ready to move on.

And I do want to move on. I'm ready to. But obviously my body isn't. If I'm still bleeding at the end of the upcoming weekend, I'm going back to the doctor. He'll probably have to send to go have the rest of the tissues removed so that I don't get an infection.

In case my rambling hasn't indicated this already, I really DO need to talk about it. I'm finding it helps and that people's support is really important. So please don't feel awkward about asking me about it. I'll probably bring it up anyway... ;)