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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Trying to Cope and Be Positive

Well, I don't know what to think or feel right now as my mind is running rampant and my emotions are all over the place.

In the last week of April, I had the strangest bout of nausea and was certain (and I mean absolutely certain) that I was pregnant. But on the Sunday, it suddenly disappeared and the next morning I got my period. We thought, "oh well, next time".

That was May 5th. Today is the 20th. It's still going, 16 days later...

On day 12 I was starting to believe that something was up and that maybe I was right in the first place. Could it have been that I really was pregnant? If so, then all this bleeding would mean I am having a miscarriage.

Then we went away for the long weekend (I'll talk about that in another post). Couldn't stop thinking about the possibility that I had lost a baby I didn't even confirm I had had. Strange.

Saw my doctor today and went for blood work to see if we can still confirm my pregnancy. It may be inconclusive though, since it's been so long since I first starting bleeding.

We're 95 % sure (or at least I am) that I am miscarrying right now. I have all the symptoms and they're not pretty. It may be more info than you want to know but since you can probably watch CSI and ER with no problem, I figure you can handle it...

Aside from the start and stop again spotting, I'm passing quite a bit of tissue and blood clots (creepy to witness trust me). And in the last couple of days I've starting to have lower abdominal cramps.

Physically, it difficult but nothing compared to the emotions. I mean, I know I was only 4 weeks pregnant, but I was still pregnant (despite what the test may say, I firmly believe that a woman's intuition trumps all). And now I'm not.

But there are some ltiny silver linings... I DID get pregnant, so I know I can. The miscarriage doesn't change that. And there was obviously something wrong with the pregnancy and my body knew that it shouldn't continue. I trust that and am glad it happened sooner rather than later.

But I'm a bit of a wreck right now. Went into work but left at Noon. I just can't focus. We'll see whether or not I go in tomorrow. I think what I really need is some me time. Time being the operative word. I just need to digest this and feel everything I need to feel. Go through the grieving process and be ready to move on.

And I do want to move on. I'm ready to. But obviously my body isn't. If I'm still bleeding at the end of the upcoming weekend, I'm going back to the doctor. He'll probably have to send to go have the rest of the tissues removed so that I don't get an infection.

In case my rambling hasn't indicated this already, I really DO need to talk about it. I'm finding it helps and that people's support is really important. So please don't feel awkward about asking me about it. I'll probably bring it up anyway... ;)

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