I suppose I should preface this post by saying that yesterday's post was about my writing down the thoughts in my head, nothing more, nothing less. It was a lot to have to try and explain, and a lot of it was my needing to see the thoughts in my head in a concrete way. By seeing them in print, they were something I could tackle and examine.
Trying to find perspective with all that in your head is more than a little difficult, and I certainly didn't expect to find it right away. It wasn't even my intention in that moment.
Now though, I can sit back and work things out. I'm a very practical person in the sense that I can break things down into manageable chunks. Call it a learned skill after the downfall into illness; it was both practical and necessary.
What has occurred to me is that I almost need to re-learn how to dream. When you go through one thing after another, it gets hard to be able to visualize the things you want for yourself and others and simply imagine it. You would think that being the mother of a toddler and being an artist, that I would know how to do this. And I do… or rather I did.
Now, I'm having to look at where I am in my life and reinvent the concept of dreams.
You know, I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I never remember my dreams at night. When I wake up in the morning I couldn't tell you if I dreamt or not. I have wondered if this is a particular fibro issue, but what I've read suggests it isn't, so it's still a bit of a mystery to me. The point is, the concept of dreaming is often enhanced/informed by our ability to experience the strange world of our own dreams. Or at least that is how I see it. I have a great imagination (which my RP club can attest to), but putting it to practice in my daily life is a skill I seemed to have lost. Is it the depression? Possibly, and goodness knows that my outlook is better when my mood shifts back to 'normal' for me.
I also know that right now is a critically important time in my life. Call me crazy, but I'm savouring it in a way. I feel like I'm on the verge of something truly life changing, and in order to allow it to come to fruition, I need to let everything happen as it will and also just be. If I try to force things to conform to some preconceived idea of what it should like look, I will lose sight of the process, and it's the process that interests me as much as the destination.