She's two weeks old already and in my sleep deprived haze I can't recall where those days went. Not suprising really but then again, I never imagined just how tired I was going to find myself. Here and there I have a moment to reflect on all the things I've learned about pregnancy, labour and birth and am learning about Motherhood. Here's a few:
-birth, even if it goes according to your plan (which mine didn't of course), it is nothing like you expect
-I never knew how much I was going to miss feeling her move inside of me but I also never knew how much I was going to love holding her in my arms and gazing at her beautiful face.
-The two most amazing moments during the birth were touching her head between pushing and realizing that I was in fact pushing her out and the moment they first laid her on my chest- pure magic.
-Her first cries made me cry. I didn't think I would be a crier. But I was.
-The first thought I had when she came out was, "What a real baby?!?"
When I was still pregnant, I would have made a comment about how pregnancy loss affects every moment of your life. Now, I say that it informs these moments- not taking over, just adding a level of reflection that might not have been there before. I am not just a lost-baby mama anymore, I'm a Mom to a real in-the-flesh creature. As I felt her move inside me, even at the end, I still had moments where I couldn't quite believe it was going to happen. But it did. It's still surreal but the emotions that run through me are very real and strong and poignant.
A beautiful end to a sad story and a happy beginning of another. More later when I get a little more sleep...