The Balancing Act

She's sitting propped up in my nursing (ahem, "feeding") pillow. She might be still hungry but I'm not sure. One minute I think so, next I'm not so sure. So I'm waiting for her to make up her mind and let me know.

I have a six week old infant. Still trying to wrap my mind around it. I keep joking with people that I don't know where the weeks have gone and I know I didn't sleep through it. lol. But she's a pretty darn good baby- most of the time. She seems to be going through another growth spurt and is eating every two at times. It gets so tiring. Then I think about how it's be if I was still doing the breastfeeding & bottle regimen and I'm pretty sure I'd be clinically insane at this point. As it is I exist in a partially sleep-deprived state. Most of time I'm fine but there are days when I think I'm going to lose it.

Christmas is coming quickly and I can't wait. Hold On... hold that thought...

Oh, there she goes. Her hungry cry. It's actually really funny and I can't help laughing at it. She can really scream when she's hungry but I have a hard time taking it too seriously. She acts like she's going to perish if she doesn't get some food-right-this-VERY-minute. Even better is when she actually goes through the trouble of producing tears, although not enough to leave her eyes. Then she'll abruptly stop crying, pout her lips and look at me as if to say, "Well, wasn't that clear enough?"

She has changed my world so completely. Made it crazy and wonderful and made it so I don't know what is up or down. But I love it. Most days. Other times I feel myself on the edge. My limits change each day according to the amount of sleep I've had. It's at that breaking point when I need help.

I have a hard time asking for that help. It's hard to admit to people that you can't handle taking care of your child for another minute and need an extra hand. It's hard to say, please take her for me for a minute. But unfortunately, I don't have people on hand during the day to do so, so I usually settle for a phone conversation. Most often with my Mom.

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So that was last night and I was going to post this then (when I was done of course) but Bean started crying and wouldn't stop. It was her first bout of crying for the sake of crying. It didn't last too long, maybe ten minute, and I was holding her in her favourite spot curled on my chest and shoulder. She fell asleep fairly quickly. She wasn't hungry after all.

So where was I? I have no idea. I think I'll have to go back and re-read what I've written. Hold on...

Oh, yes. Breaking points. Motherhood is far more difficult than I could have imagined but amazing also. Sometimes it's just the way she looks at me. It makes all the difference most ways.

I think I'm still at risk for Post-Partum Depression. Sometimes the reality smacks me in the face. But on the other hand, I know I'm coping pretty darn well. When I start having too many "bad days", then I know it'll be time to take action but for now, I know I'm fine and that everything will be alright.

Christmas is approaching. Our tree is up with lights but we still need to finish decorating. Tonight hopefully. I'm excited for the Holidays and winter too (does that make me nuts or what?). We're going to my parent's place in two weeks for our Christmas with my family since that's when my Dad is home from working up North. Then we'll be with R's family for a week at Christmas time.

And if you can't quite believe it's coming up on Christmas, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is on TV right now. This also means it's Thanksgiving Day for you folks in the United States. Happy Holidays to you!

As I sign off, I thought I'd leave you a photo of Bean. She's this photographer's favourite new model...