Lessons - Part 1

She's two weeks old already and in my sleep deprived haze I can't recall where those days went. Not suprising really but then again, I never imagined just how tired I was going to find myself. Here and there I have a moment to reflect on all the things I've learned about pregnancy, labour and birth and am learning about Motherhood. Here's a few:

Lessons learned:

-birth, even if it goes according to your plan (which mine didn't of course), it is nothing like you expect

-I never knew how much I was going to miss feeling her move inside of me but I also never knew how much I was going to love holding her in my arms and gazing at her beautiful face.

-The two most amazing moments during the birth were touching her head between pushing and realizing that I was in fact pushing her out and the moment they first laid her on my chest- pure magic.

-Her first cries made me cry. I didn't think I would be a crier. But I was.

-The first thought I had when she came out was, "What a real baby?!?"

When I was still pregnant, I would have made a comment about how pregnancy loss affects every moment of your life. Now, I say that it informs these moments- not taking over, just adding a level of reflection that might not have been there before. I am not just a lost-baby mama anymore, I'm a Mom to a real in-the-flesh creature. As I felt her move inside me, even at the end, I still had moments where I couldn't quite believe it was going to happen. But it did. It's still surreal but the emotions that run through me are very real and strong and poignant.

A beautiful end to a sad story and a happy beginning of another. More later when I get a little more sleep...

Getting there...

Saw the pediatrician on Tues and got a prescription to help bring my milk in. It seems to be working and baby is feeding longer and getting more out of me. We're close to her birth weight (hopefully will be there today) and once we are, we can wean her off the formula and let her feed on demand.

Crossing fingers for a great weight today! (and a h*ll of a lot more sleep than I got last night)

Bean's Grand Arrival!

I am in love! It's hard to describe all the things flowing through me as I look at my daughter. She's already testing our parent's worry skills but we don't mind one bit. R commented a little while ago today, "She really is lovely, isn''t she?"

Yes she is. Birth details to follow but what I'll say right now is that I went to the hospital to be induced but ended up not needing to. Ha! Take that! My body decided to one up the Dr's and do things on it's own. Go figure.

We've decided as a couple that we don't want her to have an internet profile so soon in her life, so we won't use her real name and continue to call her Bean. Meet our beautiful girl...

Vitals:

Born- Oct.14th, 1:50am (due Oct.15)

Weight- 6lbs, 15 oz (3125 grams)

Length- 18.5 inches

Being Induced!!

Had my OB appt this afternoon. Blood pressure is 150/90, have a massive headache, protein in my urine and pain in my upper abdomen. Dr made the decision to send me to be induced. I'm already 2-3 cm dilated and cervix is 1cm, so I'm just favourable to be induced. She also swept my membranes to help. Just waiting for DH to get home, then we'll have a little dinner and go on in. Going to have a quick nap and see if I can get rid of the headache.

It's baby time!

I am Slowly Going Crazy...

123456 Switch! Crazy am I slowly going, 654321 Switch!

No baby. Still in pre-labour, not even early labour. I get one good contraction per day just to remind me of what I am not having. The rest are braxton-hicks contractions that go away as soon as I lie down.

My due date is technically Thursday, so it's not like I'm late but I am more than ready! Have my appt this afternoon. Was thinking my blood pressure might be up again after this Thanksgiving Weekend but we'll see. Isn't it sad that I'm sort of hoing it's up so they'll just induce me already! (and I really don't want to be induced, so you know I'm running out of patience!)

Nesting 101

You should see our apartment! We rearranged everything, sorted through crap, got rid of a big garbage bag full and two paper recycling bins full of stuff. Good thing dinner was a re-heat affair! I had a huge surge of energy this afternoon and having worked my butt off, I'm wiped.

Bean has been oddly quiet today. She'll move now and again but not as energetically as she normally is.

The quiet before the storm? Time will tell...

The Last Belly Pic?

Maybe? Hopefully!

I swear it's not possible to get any bigger!

My Body Plays Tricks on Me

Not that this is a new phenomenon for myself or for many of you but really, this is getting ridiculous. So... had my follow-up appointment today:

-Blood pressure- 135/75! Back down again. :)
-Still protein in urine.
-Blood test results- uric acid a little high like the other week but still considered "normal"

So, as my OB told me, everytime she thought I'd have pre-eclampsia, I don't. But, at this point it's not so much a matter of if I'll get pre-eclampsia, but when. She did say that if I don't have the baby sooner rather than later, I'll get it eventually. Well let me tell you, I don't plan on waiting too long! (hint hint baby girl)

So no induction just yet. She told me to have a good weekend and that she'll see me at my next appointment (which is Tuesday). I'm not sure what to think of this. I had gotten used to the idea of a set date for her to come, but now we're back to waiting. I can handle it, I just don't like the flip-flopping.

Meanwhile, Bean has been really active today. Another sign I likely won't be going into labour tonight or tomorrow. Something people have been telling me about the "calm before the storm"- babies tend to be quiet right before labour because they're conserving energy. Sounds like a good plan if you ask me! So while my body is obviously gearing up for labour, it's not happening just yet.

I'm 39 weeks today. If I get a chance, I'll get R to take pic and I'll try to post it. But I'm tired right now. If it wasn't so late in the afternoon, I'd have a nap.

Really? Seriously?

My current motto is that I'm trying to take things in stride.

Just a quick update from my OB appt yesterday:

-Blood pressure- up again to 150/80, even higher than before.
-Protein in urine
-Baby's head no longer fully engaged but floating. If I should have my water break, I'm supposed to go in right away due the risk of the cord coming first (cord prolapse).
-I lost weight again. Not much, but probably just her fluid reducing. Still, having had gained an average amount of weight (which I was happy about), it was sort of nice seeing the number go down a bit considering I was heavier to begin with.

Went for more blood work and should get that back tomorrow afternoon when I go back to have my blood pressure checked. Likely, unless the protein and bp magically fix themselves, I'll be considered to have mild pre-eclampsia and will be induced. While not for sure, it is very highly likely that I will be having my baby on Friday.

You think I could get through these last few days easily but no, not me. That would be how everyone else does things. I've been told to take it easy and keep my activity low-key.

It could be worse. At least things aren't at dangerous levels and Bean seems to be doing fine. I just want her in my arms safe and sound. The reality is that that could be in just a couple of days!!

Will post tomorrow what the plan is, unless my blood pressure spikes so high that they send me to Labour & Delivery right away.

Speaking of...

... Anniversaries..

I missed my Blogoversary!! Five years as of Sept. 25th! Can you believe it? I can't. Even though in the early days I sometimes wasn't sure where I was going with the writing, I enjoy reading back and watching the evolution of my life. It's an interesting practice.

It's a sunny a gorgeous fall Saturday and while I went out for a bit, I'm tired and looking to just relax in the apartment. As I try to catch up on blog reading, Bean is having one of her many bouts of daily hiccups while I listen to Jan.n Ar.den's and Dav.id Gr.ay's new albums. Bean seems to be enjoying them. She's bouncing to them through the hiccups.

It's sort of making me nauseous! lol.

Enjoy your weekend! I think I shall celebrate my blogoversary with a nap. Unless I come up with something better.

In Remembrance

Today my family is remembering my brother, D. 16 years ago today, he lost his final battle with cancer after bravely fighting for so many years.

In 2003, we finally did the thing I had been needing, even craving... to put to rest his ashes. We scattered them as a family into the ocean at a park he and my Mom had spent a lot of time at when he was little.Back to the earth from which he came. To hold these ashes and set them free was cathartic, healing. I had spent 10 years grieving without ever really coming to grips with it. In that moment, everything became clear and calm.

6 years later since we put him to rest, I have only good memories. The intense pain replaced with a calm remembrance. It doesn't hurt the same way, just a little sadness. I miss him.

We had our prenatal classes at the hospital where I'll deliver Bean. It's a part of this complex of hospitals that also includes our Children's Hospital. This is the hospital where David was. To get to the building where our class was I had to walk around the outside (before I discovered the shortcut) past Children's. On one of the last classes, I was walking past the side of the hospital and then I heard it... the sound of children playing. I paused and looked up. I smiled. Outside on the 3rd floor between the 3A and 3B wards is a playground. There's a playroom just inside too. My younger brother and I played in both these places when we were visiting D.

I was hit by a flood of memories. Some happy, some sad but always lovely memories of a time that not only was incredibly difficult for my family but also brought us together in the most amazing way.

As I listened to the kids playing I thought about how resilient they are. They could be going through the scariest disease but somehow remain optimistic about life. The laughter of those kids on the playground that day still rings in my head and makes me smile.

In honour of D, with love from your sister, may you always remind me to live each moment as it is and make the most of everything I'm given. A lesson I hope to pass on to Bean as well.

A New Season

Well if there was any doubt that fall is here, the foggy rainy weather outside will confirm it. Some people groan and complain about our fall and winter weather here on the "Wet Coast" but the rain is in my blood. I grew up in it and it somehow makes everything seem fresh and clean afterwards. I will admit that often I can do without the record-setting multiple days (I think 40 in a row was the last time it got really bad), but all-in-all it sort of makes me happy.

It however doesn't make me productive; all I want to do is curl up in a blanket and read a book or watch TV. After posting yesterday's list I laughed at the comments since you should see the list I still have to do. However, aside from a couple of priorities, everything else is on the "would be nice" list. At this point, we have our hospital bags packed, room for the bassinet when it gets here (my parents are bringing it) and her clothes washed. Everything and anything else is just gravy. If she were to come early, we're set enough to get by. Even the newborn cloth diaper rental kit we're getting on Oct.9th may or may not be here but worse come to worse, the drug store is up the street and has a whole aisle of diapers. It think we'll be just fine.

We'll be just fine. Those words are something else. It's the mantra I've repeated in my head over and over and over in the last year. It's the ultimate truth in a way because things always have a way of working themselves out. Which leads me to my favourite quote of all time:

"Everything will be alright in the end; if it's not alright, it's not the end". (Anon)

As the misting rain continues to fall I glance at the maple trees lining the playing field across the street from our apartment. The leaves are different shades of red, orange and green. You can tell by these colours that the maples are not native to the area because they don't go yellow and then brown like all the rest around here. :)

The leaves are turning; change is ever present. Things carry on. So do we. We'll be just fine.

The Laundry List

The list of things to do was daunting but I'm making my way through it slowly but surely. Had my weekly appt and I have good news! My blood pressure is down a bit and closer to normal! Looks like the worries about pre-e are moot at this point.

Bean is still growing. Fundal height measuring 40 cm, up a centimeter from last week and still measuring just over 2 weeks ahead; funny enough, I actually lost a little weight since last week. Go figure! Dr also confirmed what I already knew... baby is engaged in my pelvis.

As I type, dinner is in the oven. Mmm, chicken fajitas...

So here's what I've got accomplished off my to-do list these last couple of weeks:

-Cleaned up the balcony and dealt with the plants.

-Washed the metal shelf from the balcony and moved it into our coat closet as a makeshift "pantry".

-Washed 4 loads of baby clothes, blankets and other assorted items.

-Put washed baby stuff away in the closet in her room.

-Packed bags for hospital!!! (Sitting by the front door)

-Vacuumed! (Is it just me or is this a particularly odd word in the English language?)

-Sorted through non-maternity clothes and started another donation pile.

-Sorted through bookcase in our bedroom and moved it to the other side of the dresser to make room for the bassinet (with hubby's help of course).

-Ironed the pile of clothes and other items that have sat there far too long.

-Ironed and hung the curtains that my Mom made for the baby's room.

-Applied for mat leave benefits.

-Stockpiled on meat for the freezer and some canned goods for the pantry.

-Baked: banana bread and cookies. Was supposed to put some in the freezer but well...

Amongst all my appointments, I think I've done pretty well! Today I went on a cooking spree making meals for the freezer for after baby comes. I made:

-Chilli (enough for two meals)

-Spaghetti Sauce with veggies and italian sausage (again enough for two meals)

-Turkey patties (enough for three meals)

I also made tomorrow's dinner (stuffed red bell peppers) while I was at it since it used several ingredients I was already using.

Suffice to say, I'm popped!! Think I'll just chill tonight and clean the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow...