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Saturday, September 05, 2009

Reflections on a Year

I was sent home from work early today. A perk when your birthday lands on a Friday. "Go, get out of here!" Okay then, don't have to ask me twice!

I was reflecting on this day on my train ride into work this morning. In fact, I was composing this blog post in my head. It was thoughtful and eloquent.

Then I got to work and well, it was nuts.

So here I am, finally taking a moment to truly reflect on where I was a year ago and where I am now. If you have no idea about last year's b-day, click HERE for a re-cap. Re-reading my entry, I sound so calm about it, even though I wrote the Sept.4th entry mere days after the fact. I sound distant, cut-off. Probably a self-defensive mechanism.

Today wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Bittersweet for sure though. When I look back, I am surprised by how strong I am now. I have come so far and grown in so many ways. I am truly a different person than I used to be. I am more mellow. I am learning better ways of taking things in stride.

I had been through difficult times but I don't think anything could have prepared me for the back-to-back heartbreak both R and I endured this last year. Life is so fleeting and fragile. I have understood this well before from going through fibro and watching my brother battle cancer but until losing my babies I never truly comprehended how something so natural, so basic to the human race, could go so wrong. It's a reality that puts life into perspective.

But a year later, our journey has gone places I never would have dreamed. A marriage hit the rocks and bounced back stronger than ever, a wounded mother found her strength tested in the appearance once again of a second line and that same couple now is bracing themselves for the most wonderful, joyful and frightening experience they have yet to encounter thus far. It's the end of a life chapter and the beginning of so many more. Our last childbirth class last night helped us see just how emotional the birth of our little girl really will be for us. How we'll be tested. What is to come cannot be known and I am okay with that because at the end of the day, nothing is set in stone. For better or for worse, this is our path; we shall walk it together and accept whatever comes our way.

That is simply life.


Melis.sa said...

Happy Birthday!!

I'm so excited for you guys. You're just weeks away from the best love life has to offer :)

Another Dreamer said...

Happy birthday.

How things change in a year (*hugs*)

JamieD said...

What an amazing strength you have - even if you may not realize it at times. It is facinating to me to go back and read old posts and see how far I've come.


WiseGuy said...

For better or for worse, this is our path; we shall walk it together and accept whatever comes our way.

I loved that line.

I like the fact that you write so true to your heart...I am so sorry for all the heartache...losing the babies, and losing your brother...and the constant pain you faced from the fibro....but I am hoping that life has given you a lucky break now.

Savour it!

areyoukiddingme said...

Hope you had a great birthday, and that next year is even better!

Kristin said...

Happy Birthday. I'm glad this year was so much better.

cowboyboot lady said...

Happy Birthday! Your life has totally turned around. You are strong. You have so much to be thankful for. I am still working on getting my strength back...