We were having an interesting discussion in a thread on the forum I frequent. It was about our desire to 'make' things happen, to will pregnancy into being. The opening post was written by a fellow blogger I 'met' on this forum. She is pregnant (due close to when I am) after 6 years of infertility. I thought about her response in regard to my particular journey and wrote this:
Here I am, 15 months from that first fateful lost pregnancy and I'm just now seeing our journey with a clarity I couldn't have before. It was hard to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't 'make' my body stay pregnant, I just had to let it be. That understanding hasn't made this third pregnancy easier, after all, I am a flawed human with fears and a slightly dented heart. But I also realized that by giving up some of the control, I could be content and happy just to be pregnant for the moment. Each day that came and went was one step closer to the dream, the goal. But not worrying about having control over every tiny part of this new path has allowed me to actually enjoy the process. To find peace and healing in it. I'm a "Lost Baby Mama" and always will be as they are forever a part of me. But their absence doesn't have to take away from what is already present.
That, may be the hardest lesson I've had to learn. And the most rewarding.