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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Finding Peace

We were having an interesting discussion in a thread on the forum I frequent. It was about our desire to 'make' things happen, to will pregnancy into being. The opening post was written by a fellow blogger I 'met' on this forum. She is pregnant (due close to when I am) after 6 years of infertility. I thought about her response in regard to my particular journey and wrote this:

Here I am, 15 months from that first fateful lost pregnancy and I'm just now seeing our journey with a clarity I couldn't have before. It was hard to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't 'make' my body stay pregnant, I just had to let it be. That understanding hasn't made this third pregnancy easier, after all, I am a flawed human with fears and a slightly dented heart. But I also realized that by giving up some of the control, I could be content and happy just to be pregnant for the moment. Each day that came and went was one step closer to the dream, the goal. But not worrying about having control over every tiny part of this new path has allowed me to actually enjoy the process. To find peace and healing in it. I'm a "Lost Baby Mama" and always will be as they are forever a part of me. But their absence doesn't have to take away from what is already present.

That, may be the hardest lesson I've had to learn. And the most rewarding.


WiseGuy said...

Very well-expressed. I understand what you are saying....the reason we have a memory, is to remember what has gone by....but the reason why we have vision is to be able to grasp what the future may become. The present, as fluid as it is, is just a frame by frame recounting of this journey from the past into the future...we have to make the best of today....and even though the past holds a lot of unfulfilled desires, we have to breathe this air and remember that it shall always be close to our hearts, stated or unstated. LOLOL...I don't have pregnancy brain, but I have waiting-for-AF brain.

Kristin said...

Very well said. It's so hard to realize you can't MAKE it happen.

InfertileNaomi said...

Well said. Great you can find positiveness in hard situations.

IF Optimist, then... said...

It is difficult when you are a person who has always been able to accomplish her goals through hard work and attention to detail. Now faced with IF and loss we have to learn to accept that there are limits and sometimes it is out of our hands. This helps in setting expectations and protecting our hearts. Thank you so much for this thoughtful post.

Fiddle1 said...

Here from ICLW. This theme of realizing there is no control over the situation reverberates. It is hard to accept during pregnancy or miscarriage, and surprisingly, I've found, hard to accept once you become a mom, too. I never knew how much striving for control really produces anxiety and misery. It is so hard to let go of the need for control, but if one successfully does, peace follows. I have to remind myself of this daily. Super post.