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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Random thoughts...

Often a new year brings resolutions... things people commit themselves(however seriously) to doing or being. A resolution can be very beneficial. Beneficial, that is, if you possess a great deal of will power and the ability to follow through with everything you set your mind to. I suppose this is why I make lots of plans but am not always disappointed when they don't pan out. Life has taught me again and again that although I may in control of my choices, I am not in control of the outcomes. It doesn't mean that I don't get hung up on planning things. I seem to put a great deal of time and energy in figuring out the logistics of how things will work. In hindsight I often find out that I could have not planned anything and things would still have worked themselves out. So I guess I'm asking myself whether or not I'm wasting my time.

After a little pondering I've concluded (and you would probably too) that I'd likely go nuts if I didn't plan something, anything. It's in my nature to want a say in how things may go, even if that's not the reality. I don't put all my hopes on those plans either. At least not anymore. Years of things blowing up in your face all the time teaches you not to hold on too tightly to the little things; they fall through your fingers so easily.

So, you're probably asking what the hell I'm on that's making my mind go in this direction. Honestly? Nothing. Maybe that's just the problem. I feel a little restless and lost at the moment. There are things I can work on and new things I could pursue, but I just can't seem to get anything going. I guess I'm not sure where my motivation has gone. And I know I can't blame it on the rainy gross weather. Believe it or not, I haven't had to worry about being affected by SAD this year.

I guess now that I thing about it, I can trace these weird random thoughts and feelings back to a couple of conversations i had with someone I'm close with. I've known this person long enough to know when somethings wrong but they won't tell me about it. I haven't come out and asked about it sensing that I might not be a topic for the phone. So, I wrote a letter. Now I've left it in their hands to let me in or not. But what do I do if they decide they can't let me in? I'm worried about them. It distresses me to know someone is really upset but holding it all in. And whatever it is, its serious. You know I sometimes have intuitive perceptions about things? Well, this is just another example. I've known since the first conversation after Christmas that things were not alright. I even have a suspicion about wat it may be. But I can't voice that suspicion for fear of making it come true. If it is what I think it is, I'm not sure I can deal with it.

Am I just over thinking things like normal or do I have a genuine reason to be concerned? A friend called me one night to give me a head's up that I should call this person,because they're weren't doing okay. But if the person won't tell me, what the hell do I do? Bide my time and be there, I guess. Like I always do.

Life is so crazy sometimes. It's amazing to me that I've gotten this far. I know I will carry on as always, and so will everyone else.

For now... to use Mine and Claire's new motto for the year... TO Hell With It!


CDAClaire said...

Linds, You are the kindest, best friend a girl could ask for!

Lindsay said...

Thanks. I aprreciate that! Truly... :)