Made From Scratch

So a little while ago, Mel at Stirrup Queens wrote this very poignant (isn't she always?) post about the hurts we want to protect our children from. It got me thinking.

I posted a reply about how as a mother of a toddler, one of the first words out of my mouth is quite often 'careful'. "Careful, baby..." or  "watch out…" But more often just the one word, careful.

A friend of mine, a fellow stay-at-home-mom said it was better than saying no all the time. I have to admit that I do tell her that as well. Through usually it's framed through a request or simple stated reason: "Please come down from there," or, "No, you already had a snack, it's almost dinner time." But sometimes I just say no. Usually by the end of the day when reasoning with a two year old is too tiring.

I think about my predilection for telling her to be careful and I know all parents must tell their children that, but for me, the worry behind the word is that my girl, my baby, will get hurt. Or something terrible will happen that I can't fix. Because you know, I've been there before.

Echoes of loss.

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if parents who had lost a child (during pregnancy, from stillbirth or from illness) or had a a lot of difficulty having one were more over-protective than those who conceived and gave birth in the usual straightforward manner. There's probably a bunch of articles I could find on the subject, but for now, I'm quite happy with my own personal musings.

Have you seen that Grey's Anatomy episode where the girl came in and had shattered tons of bones in her body and her friends ditched her to go off and continue their amazing travels, leaving the girl all alone? She was too scared to call her mom and let her know what happened because her mother had told her she had made her from scratch and the mother wouldn't be able to handle it.

I think a lot, if not all mothers feel this way. All those weeks of watching your belly swell, scans that show development, weight gain, "eating for two", it all frames it in your mind- you are making a baby from scratch.

It's so hard to let your child get the bumps and bruises when you know you could prevent them. If I'm doing dishes in the kitchen, I can't see what she's doing in the lounge (ie. living room). There have certainly been times when I'm cooking or washing dishes and I've heard a thud followed by a cry. Then I go running to find that she's fallen from something. She can't get up too high anywhere luckily, but still, my baby is hurt. Mama's hugs and cuddles can make things better.

But not for everything.

So maybe I am a little bit more protective, but I have a very active two year old who ploughs through life faster than I can keep up. I don't want to prevent her from trying things and making mistakes, but for now, I can at least tell her careful and hope that the bumps and bruises are minor.

Because I love her, and I made her from scratch.

Where Things Try to Get Complicated

It's beautiful day today. The sun is shining, and so far, the big dark clouds that hang threateningly over the sky have passed quite quickly. That's the beauty about the Scottish winds- they come in strong and things blow over quite quickly. I'm sure there's some metaphor in there somewhere.

The one thing about a good sunny day is that it's like whatever fog is in my head is suddenly swept away and I can think and feel clearly. Can one feel clearly? Maybe it's just that I'm feeling rather flat lately and whatever emotions are there have been minimized. It's not depression, it's just a temporary inability to feel motivated.

So here I am, not feeling quite as flat and trying to wrap my mind around all that is going on. As I mentioned in my last post, it's not busy in the sense of schedules, but it's the juggling act of raising a toddler. It's draining.

The business stuff is happening slowly but surely. I think not being open on the timeline I had set for myself has also contributed to my mood lately. But, I chose to cancel a meeting with one bank because I didn't believe they would be very helpful to me in the long run. I wanted someone that had something to offer a very small business. I mean, let's face it, as much as it would be nice, I'm not going to be bringing in thousands of pounds every month. Hundreds is the current benchmark so that I can supplement my husband's income. 

So I cancelled the one appointment and have set things in motion with another bank. Turns out that is complicated too since their Scottish branches are being sold to another bank (a result of legislation placed on them following the 2008 recession that is attempting to create more competition). So, to make things complicated, I likely have to open the account in an English bank and bank up here through their associated branches. Why? Because we pretty much have confirmation that in Oct of 2013 we're moving to Oxford, England when hubby's job shifts focus. I should also note that the contract (when it's drawn up) will be till 2016.

A plan. We have one!

So that means I'm starting my business here in Glasgow and then moving things to Oxford. Not necessarily difficult, just… complicated.

So that's one thing I'm trying to sort out.

Then there's my dear little girl.

I'm trying to not be worried. My mom and I talked about her speech issue recently and K went and tried to prove us wrong, but ever since then there's been no further advancements. I'm talking about words and speaking here. She has at 28 months a grand total of 3 words. Yes, 3. Mama (or some variation), Dada (also variations there) and recently she pointed to a carton of juice and demanded 'jussh!'.

That's it.

Now to her credit the girl can babble with the best of them and is very vocal. She can communicate with her body/actions quite easily and has a high degree of comprehension. She can point to parts of her body when we ask where they are (eyes, nose, mouth, hair, ears, chin…). She can shake her head no. She will drag up to the kitchen when she's hungry and point to the food she wants (and throw a tantrum if she can't have it). She will now demand to go down for a nap, even if it means she doesn't end up getting her diaper changed (that was today and it wasn't too wet, so it's fine). And in preparation for toilet training she is now starting to let us know when she does want her diaper changed.

But she doesn't use words. Even hubby is starting to be a little concerned. He was a late talker but usually there is a bit more than this by now.

On the other hand I don't want to freak out that our seemingly smart little girl has a problem. In any case, the health visitor was supposed to come back for a check-up to see how her speech was coming along. As soon as I post this, I'm calling her to make an appointment to get her take on things. It's one of those things that I'm not overly concerned about till she's three. But at that same time I don't want to leave it too long if some early intervention will make a difference.

So that's a bit of what's happening. More later… I have a phone call to make.

Spinning

Right. Here I am. I think. Yep, still here.

Two weeks later and I'm finally getting back here. It's not that things have particularly crazy (though they are busy) but I'm tired. Three weeks of no washing machine has really put a damper on my mood. Who would have thought a washing machine would make such a big difference in my day? Oh, right, well it seems that when you have only so many clothes and the laundromat is extremely expensive (read: extortion) and you spend one day of your weekend taking care of that, it's hard to keep up with things. The good news is that the new washer is on it's way. We're just waiting for word on when it will be installed. The last we heard on Monday was that it will only be a few days. I'm not holding much hope that we'll have it by the weekend, so looks like it's the laundromat again.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Grrr.