It's taken me a week to sit down and write this post. At first I wasn't sure why but if I really think about it, it's all so big that I guess I needed time to digest, process and accept what I'm doing.
Last week, for the second time in a few days I took a home pregnancy test and it turned out negative. I cried. I mean really bawled like a baby! (no pun intended)
It was in those tears that I understood for the first time how much I wanted to be pregnant. How utterly desperate that drive was. The negative result served to show me that way deep down inside, I knew that I was meant to be a mother. That in the grand scheme of things, I am here on this Earth to change the world thought two things: my children and my art.
It's sooooo simple but so incredibly profound. That moment when you understand your purpose in life is so big and so powerful, it knocks you to the ground.
Somehow, the next day, I managed to spit this out to Ryan. I have to say, my incredibly wonderful husband took it all in stride. I told him what I truly wanted and asked him if he was willing to take a giant but well planned leap with me, if he was willing to take some risks and let me put myself out there. He said when I said it like that, how could he say no.
So here goes; this is the plan so far:
I am not going back to school in January to spend another $15 000 on a bachelor degree that when completed still requires me to go to grad school and spend another $12 800 that we won't have in order to be able to practice as an art therapist.
The alternative? Why don't I just be what I am already (an artist) and find a way to help people through that? So that's what I going to do. 2008 is the year that I take the leap and start being who I am: an artist.
Meanwhile, in order to get financially together and be able to devote some time to my artist pursuits, I'm going to work more where I am and/or get a second job and then go from there.
So that's where we're at, except there is still one more hitch to our plan...
I'm not entirely certain that the pregnancy tests were right. It may be all in my head but when my period arrived four days late last week and lasted only three days, it was yet another signal that something was going on with my body. For all I know I want a baby so bad my body is simulating symptoms. And while that theory may just be true, I'm still in doubt. Call it intuition or maybe I'm just crazy but I went to see my doctor and asked to get a blood test done to determine once and for all (hopefully) whether or not Ryan and I are going to be parents in August.
There, I said it all! I've put it out there. Just as 2007 was "My Year", 2008 is one of discovery and new adventures. And you know what? I'm ready for it, bring it on!
Claire and I have decided on our motto for this new year:
Anything Is Possible
I wrote my last of two final exams today and walked away from UBC confident in my decisions and sure that I am once step closer to being on the path I'm meant to be on.
In three or four days we'll know whether or not that includes being parents so soon in our marriage. A week ago I had a hard time reconciling the negative results, but now, today, I would be okay with either.
Whatever is meant to be is meant to be.