The Cat is Out of the Bag!

So I get this email right before I'm about to leave work yesterday from my mom. One word: PREGGERS??!!!!!!!?? Crap! How did she find out? Then it occurred to me... my brother. He's the only one who reads my blog who could have told her. I haven't had a chance to talk to him (as he's living in Oz and just got back from vacation in Bali and all), so he couldn't have known that I hadn't told her yet. I email back: What makes you think that? Lame, I know... Apparently, the two of them were on MSN and he accidentally spilled the beans without knowing he did so. His comment when I emailed back... "Silly girl"! I never got her reply because I had to leave to go home. I called her as soon as got home and we talked for a good while while we both made dinner. I told her that we wanted to wait to say anything but that I figured she'd figure it out when I saw her this weekend anyway. In my head I figured she'd take one look at me and ask me when I was due! She laughed when I told her this. Our conversation also revealed an interesting fact: my blog address was on my Face.book profile. Emphasis on was. I took it down immediately. The first thought that came to mind was who's reading?? But really, it's immaterial. If people are reading and don't comment, they haven't told me (besides the ones I gave the address to). I know this issue has come up for others. At what point do I care who reads? I know my brother reads it because he's so far away and I wanted him to keep in the loop. But what about others? I've come to the opinion that I don't mind if people I know read my blog as long as they follow these very simple rules: 1) If I know you IRL (in real life) and I didn't give you this address, you should kindly let me know that you are reading. It's only fair, that if you have access to something that is akin to a person's diary, you delurk at least once to let me know you are reading. I would do the same for you, so let's be fair here. 2) It should be understood that this place is my space to rant, vent, cry, laugh, joke etc. It's where I can write whatever I'm feeling at the moment without fearing adverse reactions from others. If I need to rant about a person or a situation, I'll never use names and will do my best to keep it as anonymous as possible. If you think that I'm talking about you (who knows, maybe I am), you just can't get all offended and in my face about it. If I want to talk about it in person, I WILL! Otherwise, accept that that is just how I am feeling at the moment. It will likely pass quickly and I'll come back and write again calmer and with some perspective. 3) Whatever I write is confidential. Especially regarding our lost babies and this current pregnancy. It's not anyone's place to tell others when we've decided we don't want our entire family to know. I'm not mad at M in anyway for spilling the beans (rather I'm laughing about it), as I likely would have told my Mom this weekend when I saw her anyway. It was a simple lack of communication- which is ironic, considering my blog is my way of communicating. Going forward, people should just check with me before saying anything. Thanks! So I'm in this place (that many others have been) of wondering exactly who's reading this. Mom, M, hi! Love you both!If you're reading and you're a family member or a friend IRL, fess up please and I promise not to be mad. On another, namely pregnancy, note: I can not believe how tired I am! I remember being exhausted most of the time but nothing like this. I know for sure it's not my iron, as I take my prenatal and eat red meat and other iron filled items in my diet. During the first half of my cycle I was taking a women's formula high-potency Omega-3 supplement. But during my LP and now that I'm pregnant, I had to stop taking them because they contain EPO (evening primrose oil) which can cause uterine contractions and is a big no-no right now. So I managed to find a prenatal formula (yay for Sho.ppers Dr.ug Mart). Funny thing is that I forgot that a proper dose is 2 pills and I had only been taking 1. Oops! Starting yesterday, I've been taking two, so hopefully that will help my energy a little. Doubt that's going to help my hunger though... I feel like I have to constantly eat because I get really nauseous if I have an empty stomach. But no pray.ing to the porcelain gods...yet. I may be exhausted but I am a little chipper today as it is a gorgeous sunny day. This after a small storm came and dumped another couple centimetres of snow in my neighbourhood and turned our road into a skating rink. I could barely cross the road in the morning on my way to work! Was mostly all gone by the time I got home but still. I mean, really, we GET IT! Vancouver gets to experience WINTER this year. But I'm ready for spring. My crocuses in my pots are growing nicely and should probably bloom in the next 3 weeks I'm guessing. About the same time frame that my body will stat to "bloom". Interesting, no?

Calmest of Calms

Day 8 and this incredible calm has come over me. Peacefulness. No stress, or worrying. Yet nothing else has changed. The symptoms are more or less the same (except that I'm freakin' hungry!). Maybe my heart has caught up with my head. Maybe it knows something.

Maybe.

Recognizing the Truth

What I want so desperately is to believe that this will work again. I hate being in the tww (two week wait) this time. Not because I am impatient to test (though I am) but because before, I knew. Before, I had this unflappable notion that I was pregnant. The first time too. Now it's masked by doubt and fear. I can't seem to read my body. I blame the progesterone for maybe masking side-effects as pregnancy symptoms when really, the real culprit, is fear. I'm scared to be pregnant again. The first pregnancy had a specific set of symptoms. And I started to miscarry Alex without ever having gotten a positive home pregnancy test. The second pregnancy, though, was different. Everything was different. My symptoms were stronger, I never got my period. I felt pregnant and co-workers who knew said I glowed with happiness. It was going to be different. Then we lost Kenneth. The only thing different about another pregnancy will be if I actually end up with a baby. There's no way to know if that will happen (oh, Magic Glass Ball, where are you?). I'm hopeful, and I mean truly optimistic. All the same, I'm scared sh*tless. I've been nauseas all day. I can eat food but there's always this unsettled feeling in me. Drinking lots of cold water helps. It did last time too. (Oh, and if you're reading this IRL (in real life) you are hereby sworn to secrecy. I beg you.)

Dear Progesterone:

This morning I had my coffee (thank you DR for that exquisite new drink) from my fav Seattle based coffee chain. Not feeling like having breakfast just yet I left it for a little while and took my vitamins. I'm a glutton for punishment because I insist on taking the prenatal in the morning even though it makes me queasy. Why you may ask? To prove to myself that I'm feeling something different- cause still undetermined (progesterone or pregnancy- the verdict is several days away still). So after awhile I decide I should eat some breaky. I grab a packet of oatmeal and mix it up (gotta love having a kitchen at work) and throw in some dried fruit. I eat my small bowl and enjoy it quite thoroughly. Ten minutes later as I wash out the bowl in the kitchen, I want to run to the ladies washroom and hurl. Lovely image I know, and you're very welcome. Except that I don't. I'm okay enough that I know I won't actually be sick, but damn, the feeling is there. It was like this with both of my pregnancies... My dearest progesterone, please give me a break. Let this not be a little mind game you're playing on me! Please don't mess with my known pregnancy symptoms. It's rather cruel you see to trick a woman who has lost two babies into believing that maybe, just maybe, she might be pregnant again. This is the one who just had that vivid dream the other day of nursing her child (remember me?). I want this too much and my fragile heart can't handle being tricked. Crap, now I'm almost in tears as I type this. It's still mid-morning. This is going to be a long day. Water, where my water. It helps the nausea you see...