Destined to be an old woman with no regrets...

2012 Motto

2012-01-29T21:06:00.003Z

So I had this sorted out weeks ago but it's taken me this long to post it. As many of you know, each year one of my dearest friends and I select a motto for the year. It is often a reflection of the year we've had which informs how we want to approach the new year. Some have had a comical side, others were, well a little cynical, but generally they are optimistic.

We've both had tough years and gone through a lot. Change has been very prevalent and it will likely be so in 2012. I think the hope is that the changes we go through will be self-driven. Now, we're both realists though so we know that most of time we just have to take what life gives us and make the most of it.

Here is our mantra for 2012: "Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, it must be accepted. ~ Unknown"

Having had this in the back of my mind for the last few weeks, I realize how much it's already changing my perspective. I was in a situation I couldn't accept and I know I'm changing it.

Change can be good. Change is scary.

Bring it on.

Stunned...

2012-01-27T12:52:00.003Z

Cross posting… sort of.

Read the latest post here: Imaginative Lens Photography.

Uh huh, yeah.

Wow.

A Place of My Own

2012-01-27T10:24:00.003Z

We crave a tiny little space for ourselves- I think we all do it in some way. Perhaps that's why the idea of owning your own home is such a driver for so many people. We want a place that can be OURS. In working towards starting this business, I've come to understand this on so many, many levels.

I was chatting online with a friend of mine in England whose advice I always respect. Like me, he often needs a kick in the rear when motivation dies and when we're having a bad day, we know how to be supportive but also tell it like it is.

I made a comment about having so much to do yet and he replied, "There always is, and it never stops, but this is your business… your desk… your challenge."

And so it is.

My success, my failure, my dream. Whatever shall be will be mostly because of my own efforts. I'm a pretty resilient person and I can accept that there will be difficulties along the way, but I also am optimistic about things going really well if I keep working hard at it.

This working from home thing has it positives and negatives. For one thing, no one knows or cares that I'm wearing my blue socks with white reindeer and red stars on them and that I didn't get dressed until nearly 10 am this morning. But I can also go out during the day with my daughter, and then work later when she naps and at night. The balance is tricky though, especially right now when I have so many things to do and feel pulled in many directions. That is a down side. So is the fact that it can be hard to turn my brain off at bedtime enough that I can sleep. Reading something completely unrelated is vital to calming my speeding train of thought.

But back to my topic: a space of my own.

I work on a laptop, so due to uncomfortable dining chairs, I do like to sit in our overstuffed chairs much to the chagrin of my knees. But then again, I'm up and down so much that I stretch lots.

Still though, I needed a place to keep all my business stuff organized. I also needed a clean place that wasn't going to end up having jam spread all over it (like the dining table) and I also wanted to get all our personal papers in order too.

So I was industrious the other day and moved one of these comfy chairs (although they are horribly made and have the most awful goldish fabric that is ripping- the things that come from renting a furnished flat) into K's room and moved the Ikea desk in her room into the lounge (living room). Shifting the dining area a little and turning it to be at an angle to the corner it was in gave us a bit more room and space between it and the desk.

We have no money to buy furniture or organizational things, so I'm being creative at the moment. Instead of file folders for all our bills and stuff, I took our christmas cards and some small binder clips, slipped the sorted stacks of bills and other papers into the cards and then clipped the top or side to keep things from falling out. I'll probably keep doing this because instead of large file folders, the cards are neat and tidy. I'll probably buy some cheap non-holiday ones from our pound shop (ie. dollar store) later. There you go, your DIY tip for the day!

In any case, the results of my 3 hours of hard work is a neat and tidy work space that is mine. It may not be entirely devoted to my business, but nothing in this set-up will be really.

Here is my home "office" in all it's glory:

A piece of inspiration stuck to my white board with one of K's magnets...

A good notebook with a short version of my to-do list, purple pen (why not?) and my iPhone.

Checking off the List

2012-01-24T14:28:00.000Z

Thanks for all your support! Things are moving along now and coming together nicely if I do say so myself.

I've also realized how nitpicky I can be about things. For example, it took me several hours to comb through all my images and find the one that was perfect for my Etsy store banner and other graphics I needed. And I tested my graphical design prowess by installing free for use fonts so I could get the "perfect" look.

Suffice to say, it was worth it.

Still lots to do, but I now have a new blog/gallery for my art (you can find it HERE), and a Facebook page (HERE). Don't worry though, I'll still be blogging here. I want to keep my personal stuff out of the business stuff, so it made sense to separate everything.

Everything is still a work in progress so bear with me as I get things set up!

And on a very different and completely random note, I learned how to french braid my hair today. Huh, cool…

Decisions, Compromises and Finding Courage

2012-01-21T19:22:00.001Z

I mentioned I have been in a bit of a funk.

That was a lie.

The other night at far too late an hour to be having proper discussions, hubby and I hashed out some issues. He asked my if I was mad at him. I was. We talked. I admitted the truth…

I am depressed… again.

Been there, done that, know the drill.

It's no secret that this move has been hard on me. I've now been in this new country for 7.5 months and sure enough it was at the 6 month mark that it really hit me. Just in time for the cold and wet winter weather to set in. Just in time for Christmas.

It's not just being far away from friends and family, and the solution isn't as simple as making new friends. I haven't had any status here. Aside from a visa that allows me to live and work here, you wouldn't know I was even here. Bills were all set up before I came (though that is changing), the bank account can't be changed to a joint one for another week, and I have no money of my own.

I hate feeling like I am a kept woman. I'm too independent for that.

I'm not going to re-hash the argument, but simply put, I needed things and didn't know how to ask for them. As usual it builds to a point where I can't take it anymore and I blow up. Usually over something small. I know this about myself and it's simply something I accept and try to watch out for. But when you're depressed, every… little… thing… becomes… HUGE.

The day before this rather hard day, I was inspired. As in the kind of inspiration that fills you up with so much happiness that you bounce off the walls and feel like you might explode! Have you ever felt that?

It was so simple too; I found some photography competitions. That I can actually enter. And are free. The ones that cost money to enter are big ones and could be very worthwhile, but I need to work up to them.

But my excitement was quickly brought down to reality, crushed really by a bad evening with the crazy demon that has taken over my normally lovely child. Terrible twos… I LOATHE them. They make me feel like an inept and horrible mother. Can we skip them? Please?

But now, a couple days after my talk with my hubby (who is far more patient than I often give him credit for), I've not only found inspiration again, I'm running with it.

It comes down to finances. I mentioned that we are on a budget. It's a tight budget since most of our spare money goes home to pay off debts and student loans. It sucks but there isn't too much I can do about that from here.

So we have to cut our expenses here or make more money, or both. I'm opting for both. Now, keeping in mind all our constraints (no vehicle, urban location, small flat), we can't be one of those people who collects coupons and runs to five different locations to get the best deal. I hate grocery shopping in one location with a difficult toddler, let alone trying to do five times in a week. But we manage with smart food choices (also healthier- a definite bonus) and doing the small things to reduce our other bills.

But it won't be enough to help us have the lifestyle we want. Here we are in a entirely different country 7000 kms from home and we can't afford to go out and explore much. I also have things I want to save for (both short and long term goals), plus the all important rainy day fund to see us through the next job change in a few years or if the European economy sinks more than it already has., I want a way out and home. I don't want to be in the same place we were last year. We won't even get started on the things I want for our daughter (to be able to do swimming classes and maybe a dance class or gymnastics). This all costs money we can't possible save at the moment.

The answer is clear: I need to be bringing in an income.

So I have my National Insurance number in hand now and many constraints on the kind of work I can do. This led to a lot of brainstorming on my part. If I want to stick to a viable work-from-home idea, I could be a Virtual Assistant and do project or data entry etc. from home for companies who need extra help but don't want to hire a regular employee.

But… knowing myself as I do and knowing that I need creativity and inspiration in my life, this is not enough. It can be a start though, so we'll see if I do that as well as my other plan, which is already in motion.

I am an artist, a photographer. Over and over I have veered away from traditional careers in hopes that my art could be my career. But it's not a simple thing to accomplish and I have to keep in mind that I need to try and accomplish a steady income.

I'm not going to be a hired photographer. While wedding photography appeals to me, the long hours away from home on weekends don't mesh well with our life right now. I can't afford childcare (yet), and I need to be around in the evenings and weekends if Ryan goes off for work meetings and conferences (which happens several times a year). I need to be able to work from home in a way that I decide.

So I'm once again starting a photography business. But rather than muddle through as I did before, I'm selling my work online. I love Etsy!! Thank you to my friend CB for introducing it to me a couple years ago, as I will soon have a platform for selling fine art photography. I also am working towards having my work shown in galleries.

It's not going to be easy. But I have a plan. A real plan, all written down in steps. This is real, it's going to happen! I'm nervous and a little scared. But I'm also happy and excited about it!

Stay tuned for more about my upcoming Etsy store…

And now for a parting photo:

(She fell asleep in my lap while on Skype with my brother the other week…)

Photo of the Day: Lines Drawn

2012-01-17T09:40:00.003Z

A sunny day should never be wasted. This is from the Botanical Gardens and I was very excited to have the new filters I got for Christmas. :)

Cooking for the Soul: Chocolate-Coconut Pudding

2012-01-17T09:36:00.003Z

In a bit of a funk, which I'll discuss in another post. For now, part of my budget and healthy living involved making any treats I want myself. If I want to have something for dessert, I better be prepared to take the time to make it.

I use coconut milk quite a bit for different things, mostly Indian or Thai dishes. But rarely do I get to use up the whole can, so I'm left with a bunch and a question as to whether I should toss it or use it.

Last week I used it. There was still 3/4 of light coconut milk and it seemed a shame to waste it. So I went hunting for something to make for dessert. Given our decreased budget for food (more on that later), I only have so much in the cupboards and fridge. But luckily for me I stocked up around christmas for the myriad of baking planned to do (some of which I did, some I didn't).

None of the recipes I saw appealed to me and many of them that did, I either didn't have the time for or the ingredients.

So I made pudding.

I played with a vanilla pudding recipe that was simple. It's a thinner pudding, but you could use a little more cornstarch if you wanted it more set.

Chocolate-Coconut Pudding:

2 Cups coconut milk (Use what you have and top up with regular milk. The fattier the milk, the richer the pudding)

1/2 cup dark brown sugar (you can use any sugar really, but I like how the molasses of the dark brown works with the chocolate)

3 tablespoons cornstarch

2 table spoons good quality cocoa powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon butter

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Heat milk in a saucepan on medium heat till it's just starting to bubble. Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl and add in batches to the hot milk till dissolved. Heat until it thickens and remove from heat. Stir in butter and vanilla. You can divide it into individual dishes or leave pour it in one larger heatproof bowl. Chill and serve.

I had mine warm and boy was it bloody good! Sorry, no photo…

Reflections on a Year

2011-12-31T20:08:00.001Z

Hmm, it's New Year's Eve already.

Christmas came and went quietly, but not unnoticed. It wasn't the holiday I'm used to. There was no fan fare, or travelling, or big dinner. There was no endless string of photographs. There was no turkey, or stuffing or mashed potatoes.

But there was family, and smiles and laughter. There were presents exchanged and virtual hugs and kisses given. Our day was made better for the simple fact that despite 7000 kilometres between us and our families, they were there. My brother was away with his girlfriend visiting her family and we had a very frustrating chat before they left that made me momentarily curse our internet connections. Hopefully our chat next week will be better.

On Christmas morning, at 8am, my parents called us over Skype from their hotel. They went away for a couple days, since it was just them this year. An 8 hour time difference meant that technically it was Christmas morning for them too. They watched while we opened some of the gifts the sent over and we all watched as K sort of got the hang of this opening gifts deal we tossed at her. It was amusing.

I made the most wonderful muffins for breakfast and not only were they easy, they put me in a festive mood. Thank you dear Nigella. If you want the recipe, click HERE.

Later in the evening we Skyped with hubby family who were all there and it was so wonderful to talk to everyone. We miss everyone greatly and it's hard to be away, but this helped.

I didn't make turkey. A fact that later that morning I lamented to one of my dearest friends to as I texted as many people a message as I could. Instead I made this fabulous spiced leg of lamb, which while being amazing, didn't quite hit the spot the way a bit of turkey, stuffing and gravy does.

So I decided that we would do a turkey dinner on New Years Day. And then there were no small turkey crowns to be had. Except for frozen turkeys that were far too big for our small gas oven. We did however find a small frozen turkey crown from a frozen food store that will cook in 2 hours 45 minutes from frozen. Great! It's the right size so that while I can't stuff it, I could make a small amount of stuffing to go in the oven. Then I realized before dinner tonight that there was a problem with this plan:

I don't have the herbs I need for the stuffing, dried or fresh.

Shit.

Sorry, but stuffing isn't the same without that wonderful blend of marjoram, sage, thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper. It just isn't.

So we're having turkey… with no stuffing. And no cranberries. Sigh…

Normally I'm really good at planning holiday meals, but when we had done our shopping earlier in the week for New Years and our turkey plan fell through, I didn't get most of the stuff I needed for it. Then we reverted back to the original plan and forgot half the things we needed.

I feel silly… and gypped.

(I should note that there are no stores open here tomorrow. Not even the express stores)

* * * * *

More importantly, I'm trying to wrap my mind around 2011. Years ago, back in the early days of my relationship with R, we discussed his career. I knew there was a chance he could get a job overseas. Did I actually ever truly imagine that I would actually be living across the world far from the country of my birth?

No.

I've come to realize that I am a exploring dreamer. I like the idea of it, but the reality scares me! I do think that I have lost some of the ability I used to have to jump into things with both feet. Now, I need to dip my toes in a little and then I'll jump in. At least that is how things are for the time being. Perhaps it'll change, perhaps it won't.

I'm pondering a new motto for 2012 as my dear friend C and I do every year. Not sure what it will be yet.

As for the shift from one year to another, it will go rather quietly and I've decided I'm alright with that.

As you reflect on the closing of one year and the entrance of a new one, take a moment to be grateful for all that you have. In these days of uncertainty across the globe, there is much still to smile at and laugh about. There is also, always, hope.

I'll see you in 2012.

Looking for the Magic

2011-12-22T13:22:00.001Z

Three days till Christmas and I find myself in a strange place. I'm happy enough about the holidays but I wouldn't say I'm excited really. It's not the same without friends and family to celebrate with. This is the first Christmas that we're entirely on our own for and I keep thinking that we need to do something, but I've yet to find anything interesting to do on Christmas day since most places are closed. Still pondering but so far all I've come up with a a good walk in the morning. The issue with this? The Met Office has issued a heavy rain warning for Christmas day and possibly Boxing Day as well.

Yeah, okay. Back to the drawing board.

Nonetheless, I did do the one bit of shopping on Tuesday that I needed to do. I actually went out in the evening… on my own! I realized that it was the first time I've done so since we got to Scotland. Why? I've never really had a reason to go anywhere at night, unless we've been out for dinner.

Since we haven't had much snow to take pictures of, here's some from last year when we were living with hubby's parents. These are all natural light images at night during the actual snowfal. All I can say was that the hushed sounds and crispness made it so very magical. I could use a little of this right now...

The Rewards of Cooking

2011-12-19T13:12:00.002Z

Okay, you know you've been waiting for it. Admit it, you've been wondering if I would toss some foodie posts out there…

So my lovelies, I shall indulge you.

I love Indian food. I was never very fond of my parent's curry growing up, but then again I didn't like anything too spicy either. But when I finally got a decent set of taste buds and discovered curries exists outside of using curry powder, I was ecstatic! Give me a good butter chicken and a korma and I'm happy. Of course, I love the naan that goes with it. Pakoras, samosas, mmmm!

I decided a little while ago that I wanted to learnt to make my favourite dishes on my own. So, I set about looking up recipes. One evening, hubby and I were watching a BBC channel and a cooking show came on. I had never heard of The Hairy Bikers before, but oh how I love them! That particular episode, they were doing a special on cauliflower and did the most wonderful looking Indian dish I had ever seen: Saag aloo with roasted gobi curry. The only thing I didn't include when I made it was the whole chilies, so that K could have some if she wanted. She actually really loves very flavourful foods as long as it's not too hot. This toddler of mine likes mild salsa…

Baby girl also loves korma. It's mild and the coconut cream based sauce is one of my favourites. So I looked over several recipes and decided to make it up as I went with the basic spices, coconut milk and chicken.

The saag aloo dish I've made twice now and I have to say that my favourite part of these kinds of dishes is when you add the dry spices to the pan and cook them a bit before adding other ingredients. The whole flat smells of these flavours and it makes me happy.

The korma dish I made was… okay. It had cinnamon in the one recipe I was basing it off of and having tried it, I would leave it out. It took away something that made korma different.

But here, for your feasting eyes, was the result of my efforts:

Speaking of spices, I decided to spice up my usual shortbread recipe. Now, there are many recipes out there, but traditional shortbread is made up of only three ingredients: butter, sugar and flour. I use brown sugar and it results in a caramelly flavour that I love. Typically I use a light brown sugar so that it remains flaky, but the darker the sugar you use the more crunchy it gets.

To change mine up, I bought green cardamom pods and went through the painstaking process of using a pairing knife to slit open the pods and dump out the dark seeds. Oh the aroma! It's like warm lemons hitting you and it's divine! I "crushed" them a little with the back of a spoon, which was my only option considering I have no motar and pestle. To that I added a pinch of dried ginger, cinnamon and nutmeg and the finely grated rind of one orange. While I have no picture (they're in the freezer for Christmas), all I can say is that it smelled like Christmas in my kitchen and tasted like it too!

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

2011-12-10T13:37:00.001Z

Today was the first day in two weeks that I ventured out of our neighbourhood. It was even the first day I ventured more than a few minutes walk in about 10 days. All I can say is that it was nice! The weather is damp and cold, but to me it felt refreshing. Walking kept you just warm enough to keep from shivering but not too warm that you wanted to unzip your fuzzy lined jacket.

R and I took K into the city centre on the subway. Being that it was late morning the train was pretty busy and we nestled ourselves into the cozy train at the end of the car. Being on this particular underground (also known occasionally as the 'Clockwork Orange' for the old orange trains and the fact it simply runs in a single loop) is much like being on a rollercoaster. Your hurtle along at what feels like to be dizzying speeds, turning sharply and being tossed about like a dingy on a stormy sea. My advice to those who get motion sickness is to stick to the middle of the cars. Still, for those who like the adrenaline rush, you can get a healthy dose of 'who the hell is driving this thing' by sitting at the end. And yes, there are drivers, which coming from Vancouver, BC, is rather novel. We always joke that Vancouver's Skytrain rapid rail system is the world's largest toy train set, but really, it's probably not all that far from the truth.

Another interesting set of facts about our underground will probably amuse or concern those of any decent height: The system dates back to 1896 and is the third oldest underground system after London's and Budapest's. Once can imagine that they weren't too concerned with people over 6 feet tall and the tunnel itself is only 11 feet (3.35 m) in diameter. Think about that for a second. Have you seen the movie The Incredibles? You know the scene where Elastagirl is on the little shuttle thingy and they go into the cavern and she has to flatten herself? Yeah, pretty much the same here. My poor brother who is 6'5" will be ducking to get into the train car.

Once you're inside though, and you get a seat, you realize the other quirk about such an old system: the noise. It is such that I can barely hear my music even with it turned almost all the way up, and a "conversation" with another person consists of shouting at each other, even if you're sitting next to each other. Couple that with the fact that few stations have escalators and there are no elevators, meaning we can't bring the K's buggy and have to carry her, means that I only ever take the subway if I'm by myself or with R. It's just too inconvenient with a toddler who still dislikes walking any great distance. Sure, it's been "updated" over the years and it's going through a modernization right now, but it's got a long way to go, as far as I'm concerned, before it's a system that can be considered accessible.

That said, we did head downtown and we managed to get two things: a pair of boots for me (much needed in the cold!) and a 3 foot pre-lit christmas tree to go on our table. I'm feeling rather festive just thinking about it.

Being out in the crowds today was nice actually, if you could handle dodging the people rushing past you. Buchanan Street (aka the Style Mile) is all decked out for the holidays and the usual pipe and drum bands have been replaced by Army and Salvation Army bands playing Christmas songs. My first hint of this was walking towards the first store I wanted to go to and hearing The Holly and the Ivy played by a trumpet and tuba. It just felt so… happy, much like how you do when you watch your favourite holiday films.

Perhaps it was the self-imposed isolation of the last week, but the crowds didn't bother me. After the bad cold K and I had, she, then I, then R all ended up with a very bad stomach bug. All I'll say to that effect is that I haven't experienced abdominal pain that bad since I gave birth…

The other unfortunate bit about being sick for so long is that now I'm behind in getting things in the mail, which is rather annoying. But I can only do what I can do and hope for the best.

Speaking of which, if you heard about the huge storm that hit the UK on Thursday, you'll be glad to know we made it through unscathed. Continual winds at 70 mph (112 kph), with gusts inland here in Glasgow at 90 mph (144 kph). On the coast, the gusts were often over 130 mph (209 kph) and I believe the highest recorded speed was at some high elevation at 156mph (251 kph)! I don't know about you, but even 112 kph is enough to make me stay inside. The last time I tried to take Kio out in a bad wind storm, a gust hit when I got to the bottom of the hill I live on and I had to throw my entire weight over the stroller to keep the last wheel from leaving the ground, as it had already started to tip. After that I promptly went home, where the wind decided to die down and the sun came out; not impressed at all. But that is the weather here in Scotland. Vancouver's frequent changes have nothing on this.

So there you go, I have surfaced, and as you can tell, am in a rather good mood even though I'm still not 100% better. Many more stories to come.

Photo of the Day: Winter Wonderland

2011-12-02T09:20:00.001Z

I keep trying to come up with a post but I've been sick the last few days and I'm lucky I can manage (barely) to keep up with K, who's also sick as well. So instead I give you another photo. This is from last year when we lived with my in-laws for a couple months. It's December and I'm feeling Christmasy and I wish we had snow like this here but alas all we have is a heck of a lot of rain and good wind storms. though it's getting cold enough that snow/rain is on the forecast. Having lived on a coast with lots of rain most of my life I won't pin any hopes on that particular forecast.

Photo of the Day: Terminus

2011-11-25T10:57:00.001Z

When we flew to Scotland, it was a nearly nine hour direct flight, Vancouver to Glasgow. Factor in an 8 hour time change and the fact that we landed at 5am the next day and you'll understand that how we crossed the daylight barrier. It was… beautiful. Awe inspiring really, to watch daylight change so high above the ground. This image, while very grainy (and taken on my iPhone through our small window) is the last moments of light before it disappeared beneath the horizon.

Methods of Connecting

2011-11-24T09:30:00.001Z

Do you know how much I love technology? Like an overwhelming love-affair amount, since at the present time in my life, it's the one thing that keeps me sane. Back in the early days of PPD, even reading and answering email was a chore and Facebook drove me nuts because I didn't know what to say that wouldn't generate endless scores of pitying remarks from those who wouldn't understand what I was going through. This blog was helpful in many ways because it offered non-committal feedback- if I could respond to it, I would, if I didn't, that was okay too.

Now though, communication through various forms of technology is what makes being 7000 kilometres from my home doable. I don't know what I'd do without Skyp.e! Of course it's not the same as being in the same room as someone and I can't give a hug through the screen, but I can see people's face and they can see mine. Best of all, K gets to interact with her family and she LOVES it! She knows her grandparents (living with all of them at one point or another helped) and she knows her uncle (my brother). Without this valuable piece of technology, I'd be stuck to phone calls and writing letters. Let's face it, I'm a horrible pen pal. It takes me ages to respond to emails sometimes, not because I don't care, but simply because I don't always have time at the moment I'm reading that email to reply in the way I want to. Then I forget.

This is why I love Face.book and my smart phone. I love texting because you can have a conversation at a pace that works within your day and it doesn't require an immediate response. So, if I am playing with K at the park, I can reply when I have a moment, or wait until we're home. No pressure.

I know for many people, there is this feeling that you have to reply right away, and that can be stressful if you're super busy. For me though, technology allows me to stay connected with friends and family while on the other side of the world and at a pace that works for me. I decide how and when to reply.

What about you? How has technology helped or hindered your ability to communicate with people?

As they say here in Scotland, Hiya!

2011-11-21T15:14:00.000Z

While my daughter naps I can hear the sounds around me. The wall clock in the kitchen is ticking, cars outside on the street approach the intersection and usually turn right (especially handy given that it's one-way if you turn left and you'd be against any oncoming cars), and in the flat next to us, I can hear the little boy throwing a tantrum. My guess is that is is a little bit older than K, but I've only had a few quick glimpses of him, so I'm not sure.

June of last year I stopped blogging. Back in January I thought about writing again and even started a post only to not finish it. I wasn't ready. So why now? Well, aside from the simple message from one of my best friends telling me I should blog again, I feel like right now I can process this last year and a half a bit better.

Last I left you, we were getting closer to R finishing his PhD and then having to look for a job. Well, he did finish, and I have to say that at his graduation I was so very proud of him. I met him at the beginning of his Masters, so this had been a long time in the works and I was happy to see him have this moment. After finishing came the job hunt. I can imagine that this is a very common story: a job was elusive. He did an interview in September of last year but it took months to sort everything out. At first, he didn't get job.

Then came reality.

I was at home caring for the baby and he was approaching his last paycheck. With no income aside from some child benefits, we had no choice but to give up our apartment. That was really hard. Sure, we were only renting, but it was our place! We were happy there, even though I dreamed of a bigger place where K could move around more. More than just giving up our home, we did what we had to to make sure we had a roof over our heads: we moved in with the parents.

At first, it was a couple months with his parents. In that time though, the job that he didn't get, contacted him again and explained that their first choice candidate backed out and they wanted to hire him! We were ecstatic! Then reality hit a bit more since there was one tiny detail to consider: the job was in Scotland.

Now, I always prided myself on being an adventurous person. In many ways I still am, but this transition has been far more difficult than I ever imagined.

After a crazy time around Christmas last year gathering all his visa stuff together, R left for the UK at the end of January. Due to a technicality with our finances, I had to wait three months before I could apply for mine and K's visas. He went ahead without us. I moved to my parent's place for a time, and then back to my in-law's. Living with family was both wonderful and very hard and I'll talk about that more another time. Suffice to say, in May, K and I finally arrived in our new home. I was terrified. In fact, I was so nervous the night before I left Canada that I was literally sick to my stomach. It wasn't until the drive to the airport that I finally started to calm down. I realize now that maybe I should have been medicated. Oh well, I survived.

But here I am, 6 months into this crazy new life in a truly beautiful city, Glasgow, and I'm feeling very reflective. Our future after next year is still in limbo but we're starting to get information; there are plans in the works, if no final confirmation.

K turned two last month. I joke with other moms of toddlers that I meet at the play group I go to that I don't remember those first months. That is a lie. I remember them perfectly well. Some of the details may be hazy at points but I very clearly remember the dark slide into depression.

But here, it feels like the physical distance is also a temporal distance; as if the farther away I am in the world from the places where I went through so much, the farther away it seems in my mind. Maybe that's just the passage of time, I'm not sure. All I know is, this is no easier, and it's certainly not the glamourous life people seem to be envisioning. What is also true is that no matter the difficulties, I have my health, a healthy child and a happy and healthy husband. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads.

We are happy. We are lucky.

All Good Things...

2010-07-01T01:30:00.001+01:00

I've sat down to write this post about a dozen times and each time, I write a few words and then sign out. I kept flip-floping; yes I'm going to, no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm not. But since these words are being written, you can see that I finally came to a decision.

After five years of writing, or reflecting and processing, I am moving on from this blog. Some may say, well, you haven't posted in two months, isn't that pretty much the same? No. Not for me. I need closure, to walk away and say I'm ready to start something new.

(Dammit! I can barely type, I'm teary already)

When I first began this blog, it was simply an exchange of ideas for my friends. When I had my miscarriages it became my solace, my well of grief and my strength. Shortly after the second miscarriage I found the ALI community. I don't think I can adequately express what everyone has done for me. You shone a light on the dark days and rejoiced in the bright ones. I've made many friends as a result and although I haven't kept up recently, you are all often in my thoughts.

Things are such in my life that I fid myself not wanted to blog anymore. I'm writing lots but not here. And I've decided that it's okay. I will no longer make myself feel guilty for it. But before I take my leave of you, I want to tell where I am at these days.

I am happy. That is probably the most important thing for you to know. I still have post-partum depression and have periods of hibernation, but they don't hinder my life as much as they used to. I'm still seeing my psychiatrist occasionally and she is still as wonderful as the day I met her. I'll be on my meds until the New Year and if I'm truly doing well, I can wean off them.

R handed in his PhD dissertation earlier this month and on July 21st will have his defence. So by August 1st, my darling husband will be a Doctor of Philosophy, Sciences (Physics). From there we will (fingers crossed) get a job and we will either be staying here in Vancouver or moving wherever he finds work.

In limbo can be a stressful place to be, but I'm doing the best I can to keep it in check and enjoy each and every day with Bean. She is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I always knew I was meant to be a mother, and it has been comfirmed over and over again. She makes me smile and laugh, and at times cry in frustration, but I wouldn't change a single moment of it. Well, I suppose I'd like to go back and enjoy those first months, but they are what they are and I am just glad I made it through and can now be there for my daughter.

In recent days, the full effect of what it means to be a "family" has hit me. My relationship with R is doing better than it has throughout all of the chaos of the last two years and there are moments when we hug each other while holding Bean, that I feel like my heart might explode form happiness.

I've been through many things in my life, and will go through many more, but that is what this journey is about. The Steadfast Warrior shall keep in going. Some of you are friends with me on facebook, some have my email. If you are interested in keeping in touch, email me.

Thank you for lending me your eyes, and you hearts. You are more wonderful than I can express. I shall leave you with one last Photo of the Day. This is Bean in all her 8.5 Month glory. She's going to be walking soon (Fates help us) and keeps me on my toes...

Musings on Motherhood, Part One

2010-05-07T16:10:00.000+01:00

It's been almost 7 months since a tiny creature came into our lives. Having a little perspective and some wonderful medication, I believe I can reflect properly on the events since Bean's arrival. Here are a few thoughts:

First of all, life is busy. That goes without saying with a baby, but it seems that once they hit that rolling/ crawling stage, life is in constant motion. What as surprised me the most is just how much I am enjoying it. Life feels full and vibrant and exciting once again. The last few months had been so difficult to find a balance in. I knew I'd have to give it time and it seems to have worked. Bean and I have so much fun together, more than I knew possible.
There is nothing that tugs on a mother's heartstrings more than watching the father of her child play and cuddle and laugh with said child. R is a wonderful father and Bean is most definitely a "Daddy's girl"
Bean is lightning quick. Turn for two seconds to grab a bib and the next thing you know the darn child has rolled off the couch and onto the floor. A baby crying in pain with tears breaks your heart. But those cries are easily soothed in mama's arms and tears easily swept away.
Bean is growing like a weed. She is super long and 18 pounds, 1 ounce as of this past Wednesday. She wears baby size 3 shoes! She is going to be tall like her grandpa and uncle.

Well, that's a few thoughts. Mre later when I have a moment. For now I'll leave you with another photo. :)
Caption: Mama? Can I play with that please? Pretty please?

Photos of the Day: 6 Months

2010-04-28T23:06:00.000+01:00

My darling Bean, my how you've grown...

Mama Bear Comes Out of Her Cave

2010-04-15T16:04:00.000+01:00

It was like suddenly turning on a light in a dark room. Bam! Spring is really here. March was a cold and grey month as well as rainy and stormy as it often is in Vancouver. Then about three days ago, it was sunny and warm. The trees and flowers make the air smell sweet and the breeze off the water makes me want to run to the beach and relax.

And so it was this change in weather that gave me a sudden burst in energy. I have checklists of things to do and am slowly working through them. I actually have several posts on the go at the moment and will be finishing them shortly. But for now, this mama bear is done hibernating. She's had a good rest and is ready to get off her butt and be productive.

On the Road

2010-04-02T15:23:00.000+01:00

So we're off to see the wizard... well not really. But we are going to visit the in-laws for the long weekend. Five hours each way in a car with the baby: our first road trip with her. It will be interesting to say the least! But I have breakfast to eat and last minute packing to attend to, so I must go.

Whatever your plans this weekend, enjoy!

I uploaded what was on our small digital camera since it hadn't been done in awhile. I found this gem of a photo from when Bean was 3 months old. This is her, "Where's my bottle! I'm starving! You're killing me!" scream. :)

A Little More of This Than That

2010-03-29T16:27:00.000+01:00

The days fly by and I keep thinking that I need to post, I need to post. But somehow, I get sucked into things or am out and about and I never get to it. It's a gloomy day today. It's grey and dark and rather depressing. In fact, the rain and wind has just kicked in and it looks like we're in for one heck of a storm! But it doesn't matter because I have a tonne of stuff to do in the apartment today. My SIL and her boyfriend are coming over for a visit and then when Ryan gets home, we are meeting their Great Aunt for dinner. Looking forward to the company but it means I have a helluva lot of cleaning to do. We meant to do some this weekend but it never happened. Oh well.

I have to do beyond a basic clean and really try to tidy up things on the floor. Because, soon, sooner than I'd like, Bean is going to be crawling. She can get up onto her hands and get her knees under her, but then falls over to her side. She's mastered rolling in both directions. Our little girl is on the move! And mama is both proud and terrified! Joking aside, it's been wonderful watching her development lately. She learns so much and it's fascinating to watch her problem solve. She's also so wonderfully smiley and giggly. It frequently makes my day.

I've also got sucked into the ultimately sign of geekiness: an online Star Trek RPG. Go ahead laugh if you will but it has done amazing things for my writing. Not to mention I get the opportunity to create and explore characters. It's collaborative and endlessly entertaining. But while I could easily spend all day doing that, I'm trying to make sure I remember my other prioities... like this blog. :)

On the exercise front, I've lost a little weight again. The Wii Fit is fun, although I don't think I'll be trying the plank ont he balance board again. It killed my elbow! I'd rather just do it on my own on the floor.

So that's the latest from me. I have several things to do this week; all of them very important. I was hoping to resuurect my Photo Challenge this week but I'll be gone this weekend, so it will have to week one more week. However, I will re-post the upcoming Challenge Theme later this week and you'll have plenty of time to hop to it!

Cheers!

Coming Home

2010-03-23T15:58:00.000Z

There are certain moments as a parent I'm certain I'll hold on to forever. Returning from my weekend away on Sunday, one of those moments was scooping my waking daughter into my arms. I held her tightly, feeling all of her almost 16 pounds. My face against her head, I breathed in her scent, better than any aromatherapy. It was only two and half days that I was away and I had no idea I could miss someone so much!

My weekend was, in a word, fabulous. My Mom and I had a grand ole time puttering around. I drove for the first time in about two years. My parents got a new car- an SUV. I was a dream to drive. And aside from the moment when some idiot lady careening around me while I was turning left in a parking lot, it was a lot of fun to be on the road again. I still feel shaky when I think about how close we were to being crumpled metal. [grumble, grumble, grumble]

Saturday night was something else as well. I went out to an irish pub downtown and met up with a bunch of friends. My brother came down as well. It was a riot. M and I are really close, so it was nice to spend that kind of time with him, just letting loose. I drank ale, danced and enjoyed the company of good people. And for the first time in about four or five years, I stumbled home just after 1am!

Extra strong coffee was needed the next morning when I met up with my friend C and her boyfriend. I spent a lovely couple of hours with them before heading for the ferry. I was so tired that I actually had a short nap, which I am normally unable to do. Feeling refreshed, I listened to my iPod and enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

There's something majestic about the south coast of BC. I took an Oceans course in university (my first stint) and now when I'm out on the water, I observe with a different perspective. Where some will see the waves and the birds, I'll see the currents fighting against the incoming tide, which push the schools of fish into small areas where the gulls and cormorants gather to feed. This place is one that will always call me home.

Yesterday was my chill day. I had actually intended to do a bunch of things, but seeing as how the weekend was busy, I gave myself a day to relax. I did come home with a Wii Fit care of my Mom (thanks Mom!!) and so I spent awhile exercising. I hve been able to fit into my size 12 pants as of late (down 2 sizes from November) and it was nice to see where my weight and BMI sits currently. I'm proud to say that I'm no longer considered obese, just overweight!

Today I'm off to meet up with my fellow local October moms for lunch. We haven't all been together in awhile and I'm excited to see how much the babies have all grown. And so I will leave you with a five month pic of Bean,who we recently reunited with her friend Bear now that she's big enough to have something in the crib with her.

Oh, and a note. You will notice that I've added word verification to commenting. I'm tired of wasting my time deleting comment spam, so hopefully this will help.

To Much To Do, So Little Time

2010-03-19T01:53:00.000Z

I swear it was just Monday and I was b*tching about my body! I hve a couple posts in the works but haven't had the time to finish them. I'm actually going away this weekend to visit my Mom... alone. Yep, you heard me, I'm leaving Bean with R and heading off on my own. I just really need a break at the moment. A couple days away will do me good.

I know I haven't been a very good blogging friend lately but promise I'll be back in the swing of things next week. Off to go finish packing as I'm leavin gin the morning.

Have a great weekend everyone. When I get back I'll tell you about the flyer I got today that ade me what to call someone and complain. Till then, I shall leave with a photo. It's taken back in 2003 (I think) at Cathedral Grove Park on Vancouver Island. Some of the biggest cedar trees are there.

Just for fun...

2010-03-15T15:34:00.000Z

...let's take a moment to b*tch about my body, shall we? (if you don't want to listen to the musings about a women's inner wokings, you may want to leave now)

When my cycles returned after Bean was born, they went right back to their normal shorter length, shorter LP crap.

I started a new cycle on Friday, which I should note these last couple of cycles have brought a new symptom I have never been prone to: cramps. Now you're probably going, shut up and quit yer complaining woman, but honestly, their sudden appearance confused and irritated me.

Anyway, want to take a guess at how long my last cycle was? Come on, give it a try...

21? Nope

28? Never!!!

And the winner is 17!!!

Yep, you heard me right, 17. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure I O'd around day 13. How's that for messed up, huh? I thought so.

The problem with this, besides the fact that someone is unlikely to get pregnant on a 17 day cycle, is that the shorter my cycles, the more I have in a year. And the more I have in a year, the more I ovulate, which means my egg supply disappears faster.

Now, I'm not planning to get pregnant anytime soon, but R and I both agree that it would be a good idea to try for a second child sooner rather than later. Given our miscarriage history and the likelyhood I will have PPD again, I'd like to get that part over and done with so I can enjoy my life with my family.

Why at 26 should I suddenly be worried about early menopause? Because my body has shown the wonderful ability to screw me over on a consistent basis.

Yay me!

Sorry about the sarcasm, just feeling irritated and sorry for myself. All I can say is that if this cycle is as short as the last, I'll be going to see my OB/GYN asap to make sure there's nothing wierd going on with my body. Now, I'm going to go crawl under a rock somewhere for a short while and hide from this gloomy rainy day, I'll pop out later and get back to catching up on where everone is at.

Friday Photo Challenge Postponed

2010-03-12T23:26:00.001Z

Sorry about this everyone. I've got technical difficulties with the auto-link form still. Our challenge doesn't work as well if I don't use something similar so I'm trying to come up with another option. So we'll have to re-convene the Challenge once I have a new way to set it up. I'm open to suggestions if anyone has them...

Regarding my snow pic yesterday: It should be noted that the temperature warmed up and it began raining. The snow was gone by 2 pm.

Photo of the Day: In Like a Lion

2010-03-11T17:56:00.000Z

Look what spring brought me this morning! I know it's not anything compared to what others have, but it's pretty funny nonetheless.

Where I Fall Off My Seat In Shock

2010-03-09T02:41:00.000Z

So I went to fill the prescription for my medication, having been using samples from my Dr. It turns out that it's horrifically expensive. As in $250 a month! I know it's nothing compared to what some people pay for IF meds but I've never paid so much for a prescription in my life! I am so lucky that my benefits cover 100% of my prescriptions. Otherwise, I'd be hooped.

Bean's earache it seems has gotten worse after seeming to be better. So I also had to start her on the antibiotics. She's been eating and sleeping wierd but is still a pretty happy baby.

Sorry I've been a little quiet lately. I've just been finding my stride again after being sick. I'm almost there. Now if Bean would go back to sleeping through the night, everyone in our household would be much happier.

What Is It? Revealed

2010-03-05T16:40:00.001Z

A few weeks back during show and tell I posted a What Is It? photo and never got around to revealing it's true nature. Here we go...

I was uploading some photos from one of my back-up DVDs when I noticed this reflection on the back of it. It was so neat I just had to take a photo. So there you have it...

So some people were close to guessing my chalenge photo from a couple weeks back. It is a glass object of a marine theme, but not quite what you thought:

This a wine bottle that I think was my Aunt's. It's one of things that you could probably get rid of and not really miss it, but there's something about it that makes me hold on to it. I think it's a tangible connection to the ocean. No matter where I am, or where I go, I'll always be a west coast girl at heart.

Friday Photo Challenge: The Colours of Life

2010-03-05T16:20:00.001Z

The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography.

Follow these steps and join the fun:

1. Post your photo on your site. You are free to leave an explanation or none at all.

2. Leave your name and the link on this Challenge Post. Please use the PERMA-LINK (the link to your actual post, not the main link to your blog).

3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

Oh, and don’t forget one very important thing… HAVE FUN!
______________________________________________

First off, regarding the What Is It Challenge, I'm going to post a photo of my item seperately.

This week's theme: THE COLOURS OF LIFE

In my darker moments, she has brought colour to my world. It's like a black and white movie that has been restored and colourized. Things seem sharper and clearer. That, and her toy is as bright as it gets! R started calling the elephant Heffalump and the name stuck. At least she'll be well aquainted with the world of Pooh. :)

Since the Mister Linky site is constantly not working for me, I think I'm going to have to find another source. For now, just leave your link in the comments section- a pain, I know, but hopefully I'll have a better solution for next week.
Next Week's Theme: Dropped Threads

Sometimes in life, we get the chance to pick up something we left behind, to re-write a part of our story. Often there is tanglible evidence of this. What piece of your puzzle have you re-discovered? A pastime you picked up again, people who've come back into your life, places you've connected with again, the possibilities are endless.

Ok, So Where Were We?

2010-03-03T20:53:00.000Z

Say Where Were We three times fast... it's reminiscent of just stepping out of the dentist's office.

I am feeling MUCH better, although I have a headache right now. Bean is still congested and coughing a little but is far better than last week. She also had a minor ear ache from whatever bug she had but it's now gone without the intervention of antibiotics, which I am very glad for. I really didn't want to have to medicate her at this age if I could help it.

Taking her into the walk-in clinic was fun. I didn't want to go all the way downtown on the day all the Olympic althletes, visitors and official were heading out of town. So I went to the clinic a couple blocks down. We had to wait about an hour. Luckily Bean had a nap in my arms. She was getting pretty cranky, so I was glad when she finally nodded off for a bit. Monday was the first day I really felt like I rejoined the land of the living. We might have just had colds but whatever bug it was was nasty!

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. She was surprised and happy with how well I've been doing. So am I actually. It felt so wonderful to tell her that Bean and I are actually having fun together. Some days are still hard, but I don't fall to pieces when they happen. Like today for instance. Baby Girl is having an off day, to see the least. I'm waiting for her to wake up from her nap so I can get out and enjoy the semi-sunny day- I really need the exercise.

It is very much spring around here. The trees are blooming, people are cutting their grass, and don't forget the showers that come and go. It's the standard Vancouver spring weather. Carry sunglasses and an umbrella, because the weather changes every few minutes. We always joke around here that if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes. And if that doesn't work, wait five more.

I'm slowly getting back into the groove. Last week took a lot out of me. It's hard caring for a sick infant when you're sick yourself. She had a hard time sleeping because of her congestion, so I didn't get to nap the way I so desperately wanted to. It seems I'm still feeling the effects of being ill, since I don't have a tonne of energy. I'm getting there though. Meanwhile, it's going to take me awhile to reaquaint myself with what happening with everyone, so bear with me.

For those participating in the Friday Photo Challenge, it should be on this week as long as I can get the auto-link form to cooperate.

Photo Challenge Postponed...

2010-02-26T00:57:00.000Z

Bean is feeling a bit better, but I feel like I've been thrown against a brick wall! I didn't know my cheekbones, jaw and eye sockets could ache so much! Pout, pout...

Therefore, tomorrow's Friday Photo Challenge will be postponed till next week. However, if you want to reveal the answer to the What Is It? post (last week's challenge), please do so and leave a comment letting me know so I can go see if any of the guesses were correct. If I'm up to it, I'll post a photo of mine tomorrow.

Hope you're all doing better than I am. I'm going to have a lot of blog catch-up reading to do when I get better!

Under the Weather

2010-02-23T17:42:00.000Z

I think I'm going to have to bow out of Commenting Week this time. Bean is sick with a cold and I'm pretty under the weather myself. She was being weird yesterday and last night I wasn't feeling the best. It both hit us this morning. I go from being all sweaty to being chilled.

Going to go find my blanket and curl up on the couch and watch the Olympics all day.

Did anyone watch Ice Dancing last night? I cried during Tessa and Scott's skate. It was like this intricate delicate ballet. So moving. And I'm so excited they won! Yay Canada!

Finding Where You Left Off

2010-02-22T04:03:00.000Z

I didn't have the best sleep last night, so when I woke up this morning exhausted, I was pretty certain that my plan for the morning was a no-go. But, after some breakfast and a cup of coffee, I looked longingly out the windows at the brilliant blue sky, the sun bright and warming.

So I went.

In the fall, as a encouragement to help me get back into exercising, we went out and bought a new pair of runners. I paid more for them than I had planned, but when I tried them on, it was like marshmallows had been strapped to my soles. I pronate (my feet turn turn in) and need good arch support. These runners make each step like being on a spring. My back has never loved me so much.

I changed into my workout gear, laced up the runners, and threw my keys, cell phone and iPod into my jacket pockets. Outside, the air was cooler than I expected. Crisp but not cold- perfect for a run.

I walked part way up the street to warm up and then when it felt right, I picked up the pace. Each step cushioned and even, propelling me forward. I ran, finding a rythym with my breathing, relaxing into each movement. After a minute or two, I'd switch to a brisk walk until my heart rate settled and then it was back to running. For the most part I kept a 3 to 1 pace (3 walking, 1 running), which surprised me with how easy it was.

It was only 20 minutes but the time was my own and it was freeing. I hadn't been running in such a long time (2007?!?) and I think more than anything it was about reclaiming something I lost in these last three years. I lost the ability to push myself and at the same time be in tune with my body. With those steps, it was like a cleansing of sorts. When I got back to the apartment, I was tired but also energized.

Having awesome runners didn't hurt either.

Photo of the Day: From the Shadows

2010-02-22T01:04:00.000Z

For IFOptimist, who could use a little hug...

Photo of the Day: The Vancouver "Spring" Olympics?

2010-02-19T22:43:00.000Z

It's been so lovely and warm these past days. I don't even need a jacket most of the time. At least it's sunny and not raining...

Swimming With the Big Fish

2010-02-19T22:35:00.000Z

You know you've hit a whole new level in blogland when you get comment spammed regularily. I had to laugh at IF Optimist's response to this comment on my Turning Point post:

"You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view"

You should really read her comment if you haven't because I nearly spat out my coffee laughing when I read it this morning. Thanks Darlin', you made my day!

Of course, the comment was "Anonymous". I've considered not allowing anonymous comments but I do have some readers who don't have blogs and occaisionally comment. If it gets really out of control, I'll reconsider but right now I'm rather amused with everything going on. I don't take it seriously because it's not an actual person commenting. I've been deleting the stupid stuff that gets posted, spam links included, but I have tell you how amusing it is for "someone" to leave a comment about how useful and informative my post was for their college assignment. It's happened twice now- both were Photo of the Day posts. How's that for a chuckle? I left the comment above up because it was funny. I think I express my opinion quite well, don't you?

But even more interesting were the two emails I received yesterday from people/groups wanting to advertise on my blog. One of them was an emergency preparedness site. He said that perhaps I'd be interested in having their advertisements on my blog since I had written about emergency preparedness. Umm, did I? Has he actually read my blog? I mean, I'm flattered, really, but unless you count labour preparations, miscarriages and ambulance rides to the ER, I think he's missed his mark. I did write about Haiti, but I think we can all agree that that is a completely different topic.

The other offer was an exchange of sorts. It's to join a free "Mommy Blogger" service and get coaching on how to increase blog traffic and make money off my blog. I just have to put up their widget. I'm not sure if it's just people going around and popping from one blog to another, so I apologize if you get these offers too and you're not interested. It's not my fault, I swear!

This is where I could use some advice. I consider myself a Life blogger who is now a mom, not a "Mommy Blogger". I wouldn't mind making money if it means putting up a few things but that's not what this blog is about. I don't want to take away from my writing and photography. I also don't want to alienate my readers.

What do you think?

Friday Photo Challenge: What Is It?

2010-02-19T16:48:00.000Z

The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography.

Follow these steps and join the fun:

1. Post your photo on your site. You are free to leave an explanation or none at all.
2. Leave your name and the link on this Challenge Post. Please use the PERMA-LINK (the link to your actual post, not the main link to your blog).
3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

Oh, and don’t forget one very important thing… HAVE FUN!
______________________________________________

This week's theme: WHAT IS IT?

Take a guess about what it is. I'll post the answer next Friday (people can either do the same or post a photo of the item).

Next Week's Challenge (Feb. 26): THE COLOURS OF LIFE

Life weaves a bright and rich tapestry. Show off a piece of yours...

Show and Tell: Olympic Spirit

2010-02-18T17:15:00.000Z

I've had a couple opportunities to get out and experience the fun that is the Olympics. I wish I had tickets to an event but I do have front row tickets at my TV. Hoping to get out and get some more but here are few shots:

Saturday was a rainy day to see the least! Here's a really neat lantern display. They're all lit up at night.

A view of the crowds on the streets. The energy downtonw is amazing and festive.

Another view of the lanterns on a less rainy day.

And what Olympic Tour would be complete without a picture of the Olympic Cauldron.

Now pop over to Mel's and see what the rest of class is showing..

The Turning Point

2010-02-16T16:52:00.000Z

I've was laying low this past weekend. R was at a conference so it was Bean and myself. A couple weeks ago, I was freaking out just a little about being left alone for three days. But these last days have been amazing. I survived my weekend alone just fine thank you. And kudos to single moms everywhere. With no one to give you a break and being the one who has to get up every single time at night, it's definitely tiring.

But I have medication and I have to tell you that I feel like me again. I'm still not sleeping straight through the night but at least when I wake up I can go back to sleep fairly easily. Except when R is feeding the baby. Most of the time, I end up awake during the feed.

The most notable change is my emotional state. In talking to friends recently, they've noticed the difference and are quick to point it out to me. I'm happy. Did you read that right? I'm HAPPY!

And it feels great.

Bean turned 4 months old over the weekend, which means we're off shortly to go get round two of her vaccinations. After that, I have a lot of blog reading to catch up on.

Photo of the Day: Light Up the Sky

2010-02-13T19:02:00.000Z

I was watching the Opening Ceremonies at home last night. What an overwhelming and moving show! It made me SO proud to be a Canadian and a Vancouverite. If you were watching, you'll know that after the team of famous athletes lit the caudlron inside BC Place, Wayne Gretsky was transported on a pickup truck through the pouring rain with the Olympic Flame to light the outdoor cauldron at the waterfront in Coal Harbour. I'm hoping to get a photo of the lit cauldron at some point in the coming week.

After the outdoor cauldron was lit, fireworks erupted. I was watching on TV and then realized that from my view, if the angle was just right, I just might be able to see some of the fireworks. For a moment, I got to be a part of the celebration that in the 3 hours before I was witnessing vicariously through my television.

A small piece of the magic...

Friday Photo Challenge: CELEBRATIONS

2010-02-12T16:56:00.001Z

The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography.

Follow these steps and join the fun:

1. Post your photo on your site. You are free to leave an explanation or none at all.
2. Leave your name and the link on this Challenge Post. Please use the PERMA-LINK (the link to your actual post, not the main link to your blog).
3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

Oh, and don’t forget one very important thing… HAVE FUN!
______________________________________________

This week's theme: CELEBRATIONS

It was an amazing experience to witness the Olympic Flame go through our neighbourhood. The energy and excitement in the crowd was immense. This coming together is what the Olympics are all about. No matter our differences, we can come together in fellowship. I am so proud to have the Olympics in my city and yesterday reminded me that some moments come but once in a lifetime...

Unfortunately, the autolink site isn't working right now (again), so leave the link to your post in the comments section and I'll move eveything over later when the site is running once more. Can't wait to see your photos!

Next Week's Theme: WHAT IS IT?
Your mission should you choose to accept it, is to take a photo of something, in such a way as it's not immediately obvious. Our job is to guess what it is. This is kind of fun because it usually results in more abstract photos. Also, you can do this anywhere. If you need an example, check out my post HERE. I got caught up in things this week and haven't had a chance to post the answer but I'll do that on Wed. I'm going to try and put up this post on Thursday evening if I can since I end up being really rushed Friday mornings trying to get this out.

Photo of the Day: Sunrise Over the City

2010-02-12T04:59:00.001Z

Shifting

2010-02-08T17:33:00.000Z

Day 5 on my new med and I'm feeling not too bad this morning. Those first couple of days were tough. I felt like I did in the early days of my pregnancy, the nausea hitting at random times. But so far, this morning is okay. I still haven't had a solid night's sleep, but at least when I wake up, I go right back to sleep, which is huge.
It hasn't even been a week and I can already feel a difference. It's not like something in me switched on like a lightbulb. Rather, it's like slowly opening a window and airing out a room. The freshness breathes new life into you. For me, the anxiety is easing. I still have moments, but they are getting fewer and farther between and less intense.

I don't know if I can acurrately voice how lovely this is. It'll be awhile until I am really better but at least I know the medication is working.

Friday was a first for R and I. We went on a date. R's parents were in town and watched Bean for us while we went to see Avatar. Can I just profess my love for this movie? Being a sci-fi fan, this was right up my alley. Some people (ahem, my husband) say if you want a storyline, stay home a read a book, but I think the story was really relevant to the past and the present. We both were amazed by the seamless way live action was blended with the CG. We saw it in 3-d which took awile for me to get used to since I already wear glasses, so my brain was compensating twice. When we left, it took a bit for my legs to feel right. I mean, after all that flying I did, it is any wonder?

Having that date was lovely in so many ways. I think it allowed us to reconnect a little. To just spend some time together and just be us. It was longest we'd left the baby with anyone since she was born. When we left, I was definitely an anxious mother, but she was down and sleeping for the night, so his parents just had to keep an ear out for her.

My parents were over on Saturday for the day. I miss them both a lot these days. The influx of the grandparents was fun to watch as they took in Bean's growth and got to know her all over again. It reminds me just how much she changes. I see it constantly every day but it must be quite shocking to those who don't see her for weeks at a time.

Lastly, yesterday morning, R went to go rescue the baby from her crib when she woke up and shocked him by being face up. Considering the only way she will sleep is on her stomach, this new development of rolling over makes me feel less guilty about the stomach sleeping.

Stuck in the Past

2010-02-08T05:11:00.000Z

I just spent a two hour session with my mom on the phone working our way through our family tree on ancestry.com. We're HUGE into geneaology. I love researching things and solving puzzles. Some interesting facts:

-Currently, our farthest relation was born in 1250. Norman familiy. Hubby came home and when I told him this, he asked if anyone if the family was in the Crusades. Who knows...

-The above line goes back 17 generations (I counted). I'm the 18th.

-I am related to Captain William Bligh, of the Bounty fame. It's a big family so lots of people can also claim this. I'm his 5th great-grandaughter. However, the current puzzle is figuring out what his great-grandaughter's name is as she's our link. Interesting challenge.

-There is more Scottish blood on my Dad's side than there are clans in Scotland. Well, not really, but each line seems to end up being Scottish.

-My mom's side is really interesting. Her maternal side are German-Russians from a place called Bessarabia- an area between Romania and the Ukraine now called Moldova. Some really fascinating history there. We've been able to go back 10 generations, I think, but we've been finding more hints, so there is more work to be done.

But I think it's time to revert to the present and get myself some sleep. Hoping I can sleep through the night. My body is adjusting to the new medication but we're not quite there yet. More on that tomorrow.

Photo of the Day: Yet Another Sunset

2010-02-06T18:10:00.001Z

You would think I would get bored taking photos of the sunsets from our apartment, but somehow, I never do.

Friday Photo Challenge (2): VARIETY

2010-02-05T17:43:00.002Z

Yay, we're in business! Technical difficulties are over...
__________________________________________

The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography.

Follow these steps and join the fun:

1. Post your photo on your site. You are free to leave an explanation or none at all.
2. Leave your name and the link on this Challenge Post. Please use the PERMA-LINK (the link to your actual post, not the main link to your blog).
3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

Oh, and don’t forget one very important thing… HAVE FUN!
_______________________________________________

This week's theme: VARIETY

It's a simpler and probably more lighthearted than last week and I think, fun. I was cooking (what else is new?) and my photo is both symbolic and literal. Symbolic, in that I was shaking things up and trying something new; literal, in that you can't get more variety than in 15-Bean Soup Mix.

Next Theme (Feb. 12, 2010): CELEBRATIONS

In honour of the Opening Ceremonies for the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Games, lets take a moment to show off the different ways we celebrate. Whether it is a personal and private celebration, or one giant public party, we tend to celebrate the big and the small. All I know is, there is a wonderful energy building in this city of mine and I'm hoping to be able to capture it somehow.

Photo Challenge- Technical Difficulties

2010-02-05T16:46:00.000Z

Bear with me while I wait for the auto-link form site to sort itself out. The post will still hopefully go up today, hopefully soon...

Guess Who's Going to BlogHer '10?

2010-02-05T04:52:00.000Z

I don't think I can possibly say how excited I am about this! I can't believe I get to go to the BlogHer Conference in August. The logistics of whether it's just going to be me, or a family vacation have yet to be decided. Much depends on money and where we're living (wherever R finds work after his thesis is done), but I get to go regardless- I've already registered.

So if you're going, give a shout out and we can plan to meet up.

New York City, here I come!

Depression Intervention, Take Two...

2010-02-04T21:14:00.000Z

I woke up this morning feeling much like I did a year ago. Rather than being morning sickness, it's a side effect of my new medication.

I'm still trying to digest my last minute appointment yesterday, so bear with me while I try and work through it.

Reproductive Mental Health. It sounds so, so, serious! Which is what I think I needed; for someone to take this seriously and find a way to push through the wall that has been hindering my efforts to get better. I got the phone call at 11:30 in the morning. I was just about to make myself some lunch before packing up Bean to go to our weekly drop-in. As soon as I saw the hospital's name on the Caller ID, my heart started racing. They said that they had a cancellation and could get me in that day. The appointment was at 1pm. Yikes! We have no car, so I rely on transit and the hospital is a bit of a trek.

I'm running around the apartment, gathering a bottle, throwing things in the diaper bag, wolfing down a hard boiled egg and trying to get Bean ready to go. The anxiety kicks in. Thoughts are racing in my head. What if I'm late and I can't have the appointment? What if I can't find the place since she said almost everyone gets lost the first time? I get to the hospital grounds and aim for the coffee shop, feeling famished since a hard boiled egg does not make for a proper lunch. I grabbed a muffin and a latte.

By the time I found the building (it was across from the building where our prenatal classes were held), checked in, filled out the paper work and sat down to wait for the doctor, my anxiety had reached an all-time high. I could taste the bile in my throat and was on the verge of throwing up.

My anxiety stemmed from the fact that I really had no idea what to expect. I have never seen a psychiatrist before, counsellors yes, but never someone with the ability to prescribe meds. She was, in a word, AWESOME! She asked me lots of questions, trying to get my background story. She learned about the miscarriages, fibro, the bullying at school, my brother's illness and death. All the episodes of depression in my life were discussed. I think I had somehow forgotten how many times I had gone through depression. We had an hour appointment. I think she really needed about three hours to just to get through the basics. My life has been anything but simple. Everytime I tried to simplify and shorten a story, I found I couldn`t. There were too many important details.

At one point, she asked me what I thought I needed. I told her that I need to sleep! The insomnia has been pretty awful the last couple of weeks. I also told here that I needed to tame the anxiety. That, coupled with the insomnia, is what is keeping me from doing what I know I need to do. The fibro kicks in now and again to remind me that it's all linked.

We start talking medication. She asked me if I had heard of a certain one, which I had. She said it's a WONDERFUL antidepressant. She said it almost lovingly, which amuses me to no end. It's good for depresssion AND pain and is indicated for fibro. Two for one! My kinda drug. She gave me 4 weeks worth. I'm on a graduated schedule. Week 1, 30 mg. Weeks 2 & 3, 60 mg. Week 4, 120mg. I'll see her again in Week 4 and we'll see where we are at.

The side effects of this medication are nausea, sleepiness and dizziness. So far the nausea has been the predominate one and I've only had my first dose. It's a delayed release medication, so it'll stay longer in my system and I won't get highs and lows on it. Since I'm obviously sensitive to medication, she said that if I can put up with the side effects (which should get better as my body adapts), it could really help me.

Meanwhile, I'm signed up the PPD/Anxiety Therapy group that starts on the 23rd of this month. Dr. R and a nurse clinician run it. Hopefully, my anxiety will be under control by then so I can actually participate freely in a group. For now, I keep doing what I'm doing, aided by my new buddy. As I was leaving her office, she did remind me that they weren't "happy pills". They may not make me happy, but if these blue and white capsules can help me remember what happiness felt like, that my friends, would be an amazing thing.

Here we go...

Show and Tell: A Guessing Game

2010-02-04T04:41:00.000Z

I was going to do another food post but I'm going to save that for next week.

Here's the photo:

Now what is it? Throw in your guess and I reveal the answer next week...

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing HERE!

Photo of the Day: Baby-Wan Kenobi

2010-02-04T02:41:00.000Z

With Each Stroke

2010-02-03T19:36:00.000Z

She drops the old sheet on the floor,
stained, smeared with colour.
Carefully ripping off the plastic wrapping,
it is laid bare- clean and untouched.

She runs her hand across it’s surface,
the texture of the primed canvas,
an invitation to attempt something;
the act more often important than the outcome.

Beside it lays the piece of glass that is her pallet,
with it’s long edges covered in
electrical tape that has
obviously seen better days.

She works the paint on the glass with her pallet knife,
carefully mixing colours,
ultramarine blue, mars black, titanium white-
their names a lullaby she sings to herself.

Pallet knife and brush in hand
She dips them into the paint.
Holding the endless possibilities in front of her,
she touches the stark white canvas,
and waits for the magic to begin.

Looking back...

2010-02-03T06:16:00.000Z

... through my posts from last year, it’s occurred to me that I was in serious need of a spell-check, or proof-reading, or both. I’m re-reading to try and gain some perspective on my current situation. I’m always aiming forward but looking back and evaluating things from before help me to see thing a little clearer.

One thing is for certain, I shall be reading my posts very carefully to make sure that when I look back on them later, I’m not so embarrassed by the very obvious typos.

People obviously forgave me for them, because I still have readers. Have I mentioned lately how lovely you all are? You are, and more.

I’m thinking that I should write my posts in Word first and then copy and paste. Hmm, considerations…

A Year Ago...

2010-02-02T04:23:00.000Z

... I found out I was pregnant with this crazy kid. My pregnancy wasn't what I dreamed of, simply because history got in the way, as did fear. But she moved early (I felt her clearly at 15 weeks) and showed up just in time.

I had no real expectations of what Motherhood would be like. Even if I did, it wouldn't have come close to my reality.

I love her more than I ever knew was possible. Today she made a funny little gesture that made me laugh wholeheartedly and in turn she started giggling. I keep telling myself that these moments are what make it worthwhile, but the truth is, that these moments keep me focused on what I want more than anything: to ENJOY her. Not just moments, but the whole crazy journey.

Today has been a mix of up, down and sideways. I managed to step out for a quick jaunt up to the store for a couple items. I'm seeing my friend K tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to. She asked if I wanted her to go over to my place. I said I may go there but that we'd leave it till to tomorrow to decide since a lot depended on whether or not I got out today. As I joked, if I didn't, I would need to stop myself from developing a nervous twitch.

Twitch avoided- temporarily. Now only if I can shake the cloud that's been hovering...

Photo of the Day: A Walk in the Park

2010-01-31T21:29:00.000Z

Central Park, Burnaby, BC

Family is More Than

2010-01-30T21:10:00.000Z

I received bad news last night- someone in my family has died, possibly, or probably, he took his own life.

He was related to me by marriage, but that marriage ended and both moved on. While I haven't seen him in some time, he was around for a good chunk of my life. It is so hard to understand how I'm feeling. I think it boils down to the idea of family and the definitions we place on it. Technically, he wasn't related to me any more, but does that make him less a part of the family? It certainly doesn't make our grief any less, or easier to wrap our minds around.

He was a genuinely nice guy but as my mom put it, "f*cked up". But as I said to her, "aren't we all a little bit?" I get that about him and a lot of people I know and care about. This is just one more event is a series of difficult things that are currently going on or have occurred in the family recently. Things I can't talk about here except to say that we're all just trying to help each other through step by step.

I've been mulling over whether I would say anything here or not about what happened. The fact is that when my mom told me yesterday afternoon, I didn't feel anything. There were words I was hearing, but they didn't have substance to them. My Mom was understandably upset and I was trying to help her but I couldn't feel anything at the moment. I felt a little useless. Then Bean woke up screaming and I was trying to deal with her, making me distracted. I know my mom understands.

It wasn't till I looked up the news article on the internet about the incident that I broke. Seeing his picture, broke open the dam that was holding all the emotions in. A monumental flood. When it passed, I didn't necessarily feel better but in a way I did, if you know what I mean. Though, even typing this last paragraph brought another wave on. A momentary release.

It's a reminder that the ties of "family" go beyond blood and genetics. There's the saying that you can choose your friends but not your family. I disagree. You can choose your family; and right now, we're grieving for someone we cared about and who meant something to us. It's the realization that family goes beyond life, and death.

Friday Photo Challenge: STRENGTH

2010-01-29T17:11:00.003Z

Welcome to the first installation of the Friday Photo Challenge!

The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography.

Follow these steps and join the fun:

1. Post your photo on your site. You are free to leave an explanation or none at all.
2. Leave your name and the link on this Challenge Post. Please use the PERMA-LINK (the link to your actual post, not the main link to your blog).
3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

Oh, and don’t forget one very important thing… HAVE FUN!
_______________________________________________

This week's theme: STRENGTH

Dictionary.com has 13 (yes, 13!) basic definitions of the word strength. But it also has this:

Synonyms:

4. Strength, power, force, might suggest capacity to do something. Strength is inherent capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist. Power is capacity to do work and to act. Force is the exercise of power: One has the power to do something. He exerts force when he does it. He has sufficient strength to complete it. Might is power or strength in a great or overwhelming degree: the might of an army.
I like the idea that it's about manifesting energy, endurance and rsisitance. Throughout my life I have experienced this one way or another.

I set out this week with an idea of what I wanted to capture with my lens. For me, trees embody strength so simply, as if it were a part of their nature; as if they couldn't be anything but strong. The thing about trees here on the West Coast is that many of them are large, very large. I was trying to get a single large douglas fir tree in my focus but the funny thing about forests is that it's very difficult to isolate one tree from another. At first, it annoyed me. And then I laughed.

Can we get a large chorus of "duh"?

The individual is only as strong as the group. In each other, there is strength.

What do you see in the world around you?

Next week's theme (Feb.5): VARIETY

Show and Tell: Intuitive Cooking

2010-01-28T03:10:00.003Z

If I've learned anything from writing this blog is that if I'm going to do a post on food it must have a recipe AND a photo. To do one but not the other is to invite threats of being strung up. Hey, I hear you, I'm listening. Honest!

So, I have more food po.rn .(Are you excited yet?)

Lately, I've been thinking about food and how I cook. In my very humble opinion, the reason most people don't cook is fear. They're scared of screwing up and looking foolish. Why the fear? After all, it's just food! It can't bite you back. Really...

I love cooking, that's no secret. I come from a family of cooks. My father and brother cook for a living and my Mom learned from her Mom, who was a great cook. If I couldn't hold my own in the kitchen, I jokingly tell people that I'd be disowned. I sometimes think it's not so much of a joke.

When I'm in the kitchen, I like to play. Mostly, I take very simple recipes and change them up. Throw in this, and then a little of that. Taste. Repeat. I stop when I feel like it's done. I add ingredients without always knowing what will happen. So while, I enjoy trying new recipes as much as the next kitchen goddess, sometimes it's much more fun to simply toss out the cookbook and play.

Last week, we had salmon on the menu. We had a package of wild spring salmon in the freezer. I pulled out a couple of fillets to thaw. I also had bought a beautiful large eggplant; it's shiny dark purple skin inviting adventure.

But I had no idea what the hell to do with it.

So I turned to Google. And even though there were lots of recipes involving salmon and eggplant, I either didn't have the ingredients or it took too long. When you care for a baby, time is of the essence.

So I did what I usually do in this situation... I made it up as I went along.

So here is my lovely creation, complete with a name and a recipe. However, if you were hoping for a full ingrediant list and a full play by play, I shall have to disappoint you. Go ahead and try something new, play, be intuitive about your food. You know what you like. Use only my ingredients, use none of them, or even a mix with your own twist- I'll never know. Don't be afraid of making a mess of it, because even if you do, there's always another day to try again.

Lindsay's Italian Eggplant Baked Salmon

Chopped onion

Minced garlic

Chopped eggplant

Fire roasted peppers, chopped (I happened to have these in my pantry, but you could easily use fresh peppers and toss them in wiht the onion etc)

Black Olives

Canned plain tomatoe sauce (or you can even use fresh chopped tomatoes and cook them down a little)

Salt, pepper, oregano

Salmon Fillets

Fresh grated parmesan cheese

In a saucepan, cook the onion, garlic and eggplant. Add peppers, olives, tomatoe sauce and seasoning. Remove from heat. Place the salmon in a baking dish and cover with sauce. Generously sprinkle cheese over the top and toss in a hot oven. Cook until the slamon flakes easily (about 30 minutes at 350 degrees F).

Serve with whatever you like for sides. We had slices of whole grain baguette to soak up all the lovely sauce. Salad is nice too.

Food is only good for you if you enjoy it.

Now pop over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class is cooking. AND just a reminder to those participating in my Photo Challenge that the post goes up on FRIDAY.

Progress: Redux

2010-01-27T00:46:00.000Z

Yesterday was another interesting day.

For starters, I had one of my crazy blurred vision, near blackout moments. I had this a couple of times before being diagnosed with fibro. It scared the shit out of me then and yesterday was worse because Bean was awake and eating. I kept worrying about passing out with Bean there with me. I desperately wanted her to go to sleep so I didn't have to worry about her. I ate breakfast right away so that blood sugar wouldn't play a part in it (it's not what causes these moments, so no comments about my not eating right away in the morning).

Then my Mom called. Moms have great timing sometimes, don't they?

We talked and she suggested putting Bean in her little chair beside the couch so I could lie down and rest and see if that helped. So I did and yes, I started feeling a little better.

But the event left me drained, so I decided I should keep thing low-key. I had made a list earlier of all that I had to do and was a little sad that I wouldn't get any of it done. But, I really started feeling a lot better by Noon and by the afternoon I had a surge of energy, which I took advantage of.

So I did it- finally: I called the Post-Partum Society.

The nurse who gave me the pamphlet warned me that I may have to leave a messsage. I'm glad she warned me because if I had just gotten the voicemail for the support line, I might have just hung up right there and then. But I didn't and I did leave a message.

Around dinner time, just before R got home, they called me back. A lovely woman, whose name never did register in my brain, walked me through the intake and listened to my story and where I was at. She was wonderful. All of the support line volunteers are Moms who have been through Post-Partum Depression/ Anxiety. They've been there and they know how hard it is. She said she would mail out some info for myself and R and follow-up with me next week to see if 1) I got it and 2) I had any questions and where to go next.

I have no illusion that they can magically fix my issues- that's not what they are they for. But they have a support line I can call and in-person support groups. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but in the meantime, while I wait for my appointment with the hospital to come around, at least I know I have options and resources available to me.

It's funny, I'm still in limbo and I'm still not in the best place, but I think I'd rather go with things not moving at all, because perhaps that might mean that things won't get worse. Crazy? Maybe. In any case, I have options and when your world seems to be collapsing around you, options are like a few good pillars that are going to hold the ceiling up.

All that is Not Hidden

2010-01-25T23:54:00.000Z

The mirror tells no lies.

Looking back at her is a face,
young still but having borne witness to life,
Real Life.

There are the scars and marks of acne,
Not the stuff of teenage angst but that
which sticks around (unfortunately).

High cheekbones highlight
a longer face with a distinctive chin;
a mouth framed with dimples.

Deep dark eyes that, at various times
show joy, and sadness,
love and despair.

And hope.
Always Hope.

Photo of the Day: Owl Totem

2010-01-23T05:09:00.000Z

Burnaby Mountain Park, Burnaby, BC

Photo of the Day: On Guard

2010-01-22T02:51:00.000Z

Progress

2010-01-21T19:11:00.000Z

So yesterday was an interesting day. I did somehting I wasn't sure I could: I went to the parent-baby drop in at my local health unit. Considering the place is all of two blocks away, I couldn't use distance as an excuse not to go. But I get anxious at the thought of being in a room full of people I don't know. Now, first off, if you've been around, you'll know that that is very unusal for me, as I am generally a very open and outgoing person. But then again, depression alters my personailty so drastically at times that I scare even me. You may recall that I tried to go to the holiday social back in December, only to find out that it was cancelled due to the flu shot clinic. [insert sob here]

So, I woke Bean up from her nap (she had been down for only 30 minutes), packed her in the stroller and made another attempt at being social.

It was both wonderful and awful.

Let's discuss the awful part first. When I first got there, there was only one other mom there and the two nurses running the show. Then slowly more people arrived. It was fine at first. But the more people that showed up, the less space there was in the room and the harder it was to have a conversation with people I didn't know. Add to that, that about half the women knew each other from coming to the group before, and I felt so alone. Bean was pissed off about being woken from her nap so I had to hold her and soothe her back to sleep. I couldn't put her in the stroller without waking her, so I held her through her nap. I felt so alone in a room full of people.

[Enter massive anxiety attack.]

I got up, walked around the room with the baby, and did a hell of a lot of breathing. Thankfully, it never progressed into a panic attack, but I had to fight to keep myself together.

No one in the room knew. I think maybe I'm too good an actress sometimes.

I calmed down a bit and tried to keep from crying. Bean woke up and interacted with people for a bit before indicating that I best get a bottle ready before she erupted with displeasure.

Then the wonderful part happened. As I sat on the floor feeding her, the group came to an end and people began to disperse. One of the nurses was talking to people as they left. At one point I caught her eye and asked her if I could ask some questions. She sat next to me and I began to explain the whole PPD mess including that I was freaking out a bit over having to wait so long for my appointment. I told her about the anxiety attack I had just had.

We talked a bit. Then she left to go get some info for me. While she was gone, a mom whose baby is only a couple of weeks older than Bean came over to chat with me. We had talked a little earlier. It turned out that she lived just down the street from me. She gave me her phone numbers just as the nurse returned and suggested we get together sometime. She asked if I was coming next week and I said I was planning to. We would make plans then.

The nurse gave me a pamphlet for a non-profit PPD group who might be able to help me in the interim while I waited for March to come around. She expressed concern about my anxiety and wondered if the group might be too much for me. I wasn't sure, but I knew I should give it another try. She gave me her card and told me to call or come see her or the nurse who did my homevisit after Bean was born (love her!). And, she asked if they could call me to keep tabs on how I was doing. I said YES! She also said that if I didn't show up for group next week that she would be calling me.

Three cheers for nurses! Sometimes I swear they get things more than the doctors do (and I have had great doctors).

The other really important realization is that I DO have an anxiety issue, whereas before I tried to convince myself it was nothing. My mom even asked at one point if my tension and axiety over being alone with her all the time might be what makes her more difficult on certain days. Then, I said it didn't. Now, I'm not so sure. My bad days correlate pretty well with her bad days.

And that bothers me! I have a hard time dealing with the fact that what I'm going through if affecting her negatively. I hate that I could cause her distress. Could this have a long lasting impact on her? I don't know. It's a question I have to ask. I'm going to take her to her pediatrician for a four-month checkup next month. I have a feeling that there will be lots to discuss. Good thing I LOVE her pediatrician. He's one of those doctors you can actually have a conversation with. Amazing, isn't it?

After I got home from the group yesterday, I re-took the post-partum depression questionaire. The scale evaluates whether or not some has PPD and to what degree. Anything over 13 (I think) out of 30 is considered significant. 30 is suicidal. I scored 20 6 weeks ago. Yesterday, I scored 23. Not a dramatic change but a change in the wrong direction nonetheless. A good sign is that the last question concerns thoughts of harming yourself. I still score 0. Small mercies.

So, the next step is to call this PPD Society and see what they have to say. I suppose we can only go up from here, right?

Show and Tell: Restoration of a Memory

2010-01-21T03:52:00.000Z

So... two things on the plate this week.

Firstly, I'm going to shamelessly promote my new weekly photo challenge. You can read about it HERE.

As for the other half...

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most adept when it comes to Photoshop (or in the case of my computer, Corel PaintShop Pro), but I have learned a few things. I have this really lovely photo of my mom's parents on their wedding day. The original is distorted and oddly coloured. I was playing around one day and turned this:

into this:

Not too shabby, eh? Now hop over to Mel's and see what everyone else brought to Show and Tell this week...

Introducing a Fun New Project: Friday Photo Challenge

2010-01-20T18:42:00.000Z

Last night got me thinking and suddenly I had one of those "AHA" moments that gets you really excited. If you've been reading as of late, you'll know that my being excited about anything is HUGE. As a Plan B while I await professional help for my post-partum depression, I am going to do a little self-therapy.

I have been into photography and art since I was a child. I still have the photos I took with my first disposable camera. I was at a Girl Guide camp. I took photos of my fellow guides but mostly I took photos of the world around me. Even then, I was more drawn to photographing nature that people. It came, well, naturally.

I'll never forget the moment after being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I had started medication and was starting to feel more like myself again. It was a sunny day and I went to go sit outside in the sunshine on the steps of the staircase that had previously crumbled under my weight, nearly sending me falling through them (I'm still a little traumatized). I was sitting there with a hot cup of coffee in my hands, soaking up the sunshine. I breathed in the fresh morning air so unbelievably happy to be alive. After spending months in pain, scared that there was something life-threatening wrong with me, I was sitting there, doing okay, grateful that what I would have my entire life was manageable.

If I had had a camera then and was to have taken a photo of the woman, comtemplating the preciousness of life, I may have snapped the photo from behind, a solitary image of calmness. Or it could have been a profile image showing her calm smile. Or, as I'm often wont to do, it would have been more abstract, such as the steaming cup of coffee or the streaming sunshine. The point is, that in every given moment, there are multiple ways to take it in and see it, truly see it.

Photography has allowed me to focus my mind and process the world around me in special ways. I see things I would never have seen if I hadn't taken the time to look a little closer, a little deeper. That is the beauty of the lens. Nothing is truly hidden, much is revealed. For me, art is my version of therapy. I believe in it so much, I wanted to be an art therapist, but alas, University and I don't mesh too well, and I didn't get too far in my studies, though I loved it dearly.

My daily photos have reminded me about the power this has in my life. I think the hardest part about PPD, for me, has been the isolation and disconnect from the things in my life that truly mean something. It's time to change that. And I'm dragging you along with me for the fun, if you're willing.

Hence the beginning of the FRIDAY PHOTO CHALLENGE! It is open to EVERYONE and I'm really hoping you'll help spread the word and encourage others to participate. I know there are lots of weekly memes out there (I participate in a couple when I can) but I wanted this one to be different. I wanted to encourage, everyone (including myself), to look at the world a little deeper and try to see things in a new way.

Here's the gist and the rules:

1. I will post a theme for the week. You will have a whole week to take a photo that YOU think best represents that theme. This is not about being a professional photographer. All I ask is that you post an ORIGINAL photo that YOU have taken. The beauty here, is that we all view the world is a unique way and art is a way of showcasing this view without having to explain it.

2. On Fridays, post the photo and mention the theme for the week (so we know we're all on the right week and what we're looking at). I will post the CHALLENGE post with an auto-link form. Fill out the form so that I, and others, can go visit your photo.

3. Share your thoughts about my photo and others on the list by leaving a comment. This is our chance to discuss the theme and how each of us thought to document it. Hopefully, this will be more than just "Nice photo".

4. While I would LOVE everyone to take a moment to take a photo, I realize that it may not always be possible. So, it is perfectly fine to post a photo you have taken previously, as long as it is representative of the theme and how you want to define it.

So, that's the deal. I would really love people to join me on this and have some fun with it. I'm a social person and right now I need to draw myself out and work towards goal. So help a depressed gal out and spread the joy of art.

The first CHALLENGE post will go up January 29th. That actually gives you more than a week to find your inspiration.

This week's theme: STRENGTH

Any questions? Feel free to leave a comment or email me (see right sidebar).

Photo of the Day: Honeysuckle

2010-01-20T01:49:00.000Z

I went hunting for a photo to post and was looking for something to match my mood- gloomy and hostile. Alas, all I could find were happy, pretty pictures.

This was taken at a lavender farm in Kelowna, BC this past summer when R and I were on holidays visiting family.

Falling Through the Cracks

2010-01-20T01:03:00.000Z

I called the PPD directly to find out about getting in earlier. I'm on the cancellation list. However, because they've never seen me before, I can't call them if I really need help. She did tell me that if I was having bad thoughts I should go see my referring Doctor or go to the ER.

Great! So unless I'm contemplating suicide, I'm on my own.

I'm working on Plan B. Not entirely sure what it will entail (calling my OB?) but I need to figure it out quick. All I know if that everyone`s support has been wonderful. Your comments have made me laugh at times and laughter is always good. Please keep them coming. It helps more than you know.

I'll keep you posted- off to check on my overtired and upset baby, attempt to make dinner and console myself with a couple of pieces of good dark chocolate.

Time's Long Echo

2010-01-18T23:15:00.000Z

Fifty days. 5-0!

That's how many days I have to wait until my appointment at the PPD Clinic at the hospital. I want to cry. Almost 2 months seems forever. I've had horrible waits before (between ultrasounds to confirm miscarriage, the wait for medical all clear to try again after my D&C) but this, THIS, I don't know how to handle.

How do I hold out till March 9th? I don't know what I need right now but I'll take something, anything, to keep me from losing my mind.

Suggestions, a few well chosen curse words, a hell of a lot of chocolate? Help me out here, I'm at a loss...

Photo of the Day

2010-01-18T00:01:00.000Z

This past summer, R and I took a little trip to Deep Cove, on the North Shore (ie. the mountains you typically see in pictures of Vancouver). A lot of kayacking happens in the area. These ones caught my eye.

Being Sung Awake?

2010-01-17T22:40:00.000Z

I'm feeling quiet today. I have a couple of posts rattling around my brain but my thoughts are too disorganized. I think what I really need is a nap. Being off the Lyrica means I'm not sleeping as well as I was. I'm not as groggy but now I keep waking up a couple times each night.

R singing in his sleep doesn't help either.

I don't have time for a nap this afternoon, but maybe I do have time for some Wii. Moving is good.

Photo of the Day

2010-01-17T02:46:00.000Z

Vaisakhi Day Parade, April 2008: This was the first time I ever attended the parade. I met up with a friend and her kids and she taught me about the religious significance of the event. Living in such a mulitcultural city has been a wonderfully eye opening experience. I like to think I'm open minded. Participating in the different cultures around me is forever expanding my horizons. As someone who has never been off the continent, I sometimes think my horizons could use expanding on a more regular basis. For more info about Vaisakhi go HERE...

Photo of the Day

2010-01-16T01:52:00.001Z

Twin Gerberas

Happy Birthdays Are in Order

2010-01-15T03:26:00.004Z

I wanted this to have it's own post. Today would have been my older brother's 30th birthday. It's a milestone, that while observed quietly, is on the minds of my family today. If you're not familiar with the story, you can read it here.

This year is going to be a different year for me I think. The loss anniversaries that haunted me last year aren't the first thing on my mind. Don't get me wrong, miscarriage has tainted so many things for me. But, holding Bean reminds me that right now I need to live in the present and enjoy what I have, today. If I don't I will forever miss all the wonderful firsts that are a constant part of parenting an infant. As it is, the depression has left me in a weird place and I haven't chronicled these wonderful moments the way I wanted to. But maybe that is just a part of the reality that is parenthood.

As I think of my brother and Bean, I feel a full circle of sorts has come to play. I once asked him if he knew the spirits of my two lost babies. Today I know his spirit is here to greet Bean on this, the day that marks three months. My baby is three months old! Um, how did that happen?

Photo of the Day: Signs of Spring

2010-01-15T01:30:00.003Z

I like spring but am thinking it should hold off till after the Olympics...

Cooking for the Soul: As Requested

2010-01-15T01:00:00.004Z

I LOVE Cooking Light! I have found so many favourite healthful dishes in their magazine and have expanded my ethnic dish repetoire.

Since everyone has been asking, here's the recipe for the Moroccan Chickpea Chili.

I love this recipe mostly for the fragrant spices. There's something wonderful about the earthy rich smell of cumin, tumeric, ginger, cinnamon, and red and black pepper, all mingling to form this heady warm fragrance. When cooked with the onion, garlic, carrot and celery, my apartment smells heavenly! I really love this dish because it's hearty AND vegetarian. I try to do a vegetarian meal at least one night a week, for my health and my budget.

Have fun and enjoy!

Photo of the Day: Spice of Life

2010-01-14T04:28:00.002Z

Spices for Morrocan Chickpea Chili

Show and Tell: A Call for Help

2010-01-14T02:18:00.004Z

Today's post is neither a show or a tell but rather an ask.

I don't have to show you pictures of the horrible disaster in Haiti. Turn on ANY newscast and you can see it for yourself.

My heart breaks for everyone there and also for those in the world with family there. As a mother, my heart can barely stand the thought of all the children who have died, are buried under rubble, or are homeless. Conditions in this poor country were difficult enough, but now, NOW, I can hardly imagine.

Today my husband and I have done the only thing we can do: make a donation in hopes that in the grand sceme of thing, such a miniscule act will join with other small things and just possible make a tangible difference.

If you want to join in and help there are several ways. Here are but a few:

In Canada:

Doctors Without Borders

Canadian Red Cross

UNICEF Canada

In the United States:

American Red Cross [you can donate $10.00 via text (charged to your phone bill) by texting 'Haiti' to 90990]

I know there are probably more but it's a start. Tonight I think about all that I have and am holding my baby girl even tighter than usual.

Don't forget to drop by Mel's to see what else is on people's minds...

Photo of the Day

2010-01-13T03:00:00.003Z

Fountain, Queen Elizabeth Park, Vancouver

Gee, I could have told you that!

2010-01-13T02:39:00.003Z

So I saw the good doctor today. Alone. Bringing Bean only seems to distract him from what I came to talk about, so I left her with R.

The upshot of the appointment is that my fibro is MUCH better (yay!). I told him I didn't want to stay on the Lyrica because I can manage it without medication. I am a little more tender on my left side but that's the side I hold Bean on all the time, and really, a massage would help that easily.

In the discussion about the depression he tried to tell me that it would get better as the fibro eased off. I told him that it wouldn't and in fact, it was getting worse. I'm not in physical pain. The fibro isn't feeding the depression, rather the other way around. Then comes my favourite part of the appointment: he tells me that it may be post-partum depression and it's something we should be aware of.

Umm, yeah. Good call.

He's sending me to the PPD Clinic at the hospital where I delivered Bean. Just awaiting the referral. It can't come soon enough (I really hate waiting for these things). Meanwhile, I'm stopping the Lyrica tonight. Hoping Bean cooperates and sleeps through the night. Last night she got up, not once, but twice.

She can just cut it out now. Seriously. I think she's beginning to teeth. I had given up the notion since her gums were still hard but this evening I noticed that they are softer. Here we go...

On another (but health related note), I decided I was done waiting for a store (any store) to get the Wii Fit in stock since it's no where to be found in the city. I went online in hopes of being able to order one. No luck. Unless of course I want to wait 2-3 weeks before it ships from Amazon. I might as well wait for the stock to hit local stores.

Did I mention I hate waiting?

Photo of the Day: Peek-A-Boo

2010-01-11T21:11:00.003Z

In the elevator before our walk yesterday.

Photo of the Day

2010-01-11T03:50:00.002Z

Quarry Garden, Queen Elizabeth Park, Vancouver

Holding the Pieces

2010-01-10T18:01:00.003Z

I was bitchy (as I pretty much am ALL the time). I said things. He got angry and sulked.

We talked. I cried. We're better now.

I hate being like this. Depression affects not only the person it's tormenting but also the people around them. Is it any wonder I have to force myself to be social? I don't want to inflict this on anyone. But then I remember that the people who care about me are strong and can take it. Because they care.

Time for a shower and groceries. And then we're going to a park for a walk with our baby. This time, I told R to make sure I bring my camera (we'll see how that goes).

I know I'm supposed to give it time but 10 days in and I really think the Lyrica is not enough. I can handle the fibro without it. I can't handle the depression even when on it- that's not what it's for.

A few more days, that's all I think I can spare of what little sanity I have. Then we need to take more action. Somehow, that's a comforting thought.

Photo of the Day

2010-01-10T00:59:00.004Z

Happiness is sleeping on Mama's chest.

Lessons in Parenting: Episode 1

2010-01-09T18:03:00.002Z

A new year is full of possibilities. It just begs you to try new things. So we did.

I should begin with a disclaimer: Rebel Mom that I am, my daughter sleeps on her stomach AND with bumpers in the crib! Commence finger wagging now. I'll sit back and await the nasty comments to trickle through.

However, I really don't care what anyone has to say on the matter because Bean regularly sleeps 11 (count them!) hours almost every night. She's starting to teeth we think, so we're slowly losing a hour here and there- which sucks, let me tell you. But that is why I have an awesome husband who is willing to get up at 4:30am and give the child her bottle.

The bumpers are necessary because on her stomach, our baby travels the crib. Most mornings, we find her 90 degrees from the place we laid her down, head against the side of the crib, arms flailing, and crying "Hey people, I don't want to be on my stomach anymore, come get me out of here NOW!" She is rather insistent that way. But the point here is that I'd rather her bang her head against soft fabric rather than hard wooden rails. Yep, I'm a horrible mother, aren't I?

Anyway, this morning we decided to change things up and have her nap on her back. Yesterday she fell asleep on my chest and after an hour I really needed to get up and move. So I carefully laid her down on the couch and wrapped the blanket I was cuddling her with tightly around her little body. I waited for her to wake up. She didn't. So, we had proof she could sleep on her back still. But I'm not insane enough to try this at night when we might disturb the long beautiful hours of sleep she usually gives us.

So, thinking we're really smart, we thought we'd try putting her down on her back for her naps only. After finishing her breakfast feed a little while ago, I put her down for her nap (on her back) and went to go have a shower. R was getting laundry together and could keep an eye on her while we waited for her to go to sleep. A while later (I swear I was a marine creature in a previous life), I come out of the bathroom to hear her laying there noisily sucking on her thumbs.

Awake.

I went into her room and looked down at her. Her lids were heavy and I could tell she really wanted to go to sleep. Considering she'd been down for 20 minutes already, I doubted she'd fall asleep on her own anytime soon. Then she opened her eyes and gave me a look that said, "Mama, I'm really tired! Can I go to sleep now?" So, I turned her over on her stomach, fixed her blankets and told her to have a good nap.

Less than five minutes later she was soundly asleep.

Moral of the story? Bean knows exactly what she likes and wants, and her parents are idiots.

Photo of the Day: Soupy Beginnings

2010-01-09T00:33:00.002Z

Note to Self:

2010-01-08T01:18:00.004Z

taking a daily photo actually requires you to have a camera on hand. Go figure! I must be the only person considering themselves a photographer who regularily forgets their camera. I'm thinking that I can only blame so many of these things on the baby. Right??

An Experiment in Friendliness

2010-01-07T17:42:00.002Z

So yesterday I walked the 20 minutes to the mall. I could have taken the train the two stops but the thought of lugging the stroller up the stairs at the station WITH Bean in it was too much (our elevator is under repair until Saturday- three whole weeks of no access). Besides, I needed the exercise- I always need the exercise. I went to the mall to see if the Wii Fit was in yet. It was not. My Mom suggested calling first, but that would have derailed the whole getting out of the house bit. Still, I was saddened that I still have no Wii Fit. (sigh)

A friend of mine met me there with her little boy in tow. He's five days younger than Bean. We walked around for awhile, feed the babies and then I was tired and decided to head home. Bean was having a hard time sleeping and I knew she needed her crib right about then.

As I walked home (I forgot my bus tickets- oops!) I encountered a lot of people. I was thinking about how isolating it can be to just exist in the world and shut away everything. We are on our cell phones, talking and texting. We walk down the street with our iPods on, listening to great music, yes, but shutting out the world around us too. I've been guilty of this many many times.
I also considered how rarely I made eye contact with people when I go for walks. So I wondered what would happen if I actually forced myself to make eye contact; and smiled even.

And that's what I did.

And you know what? As I always remind myself, people can surprise you. For the most part, simply making eye contact and nodding at people, or smiling, resulting in a connection. Often people smiled at me back, or at least acknowledged my existence. Of course there were those that didn't respond but it was rare that someone would catch my eye contact and quickly avert their eyes.

How refreshing.

So give it a try the next time you're out. Make eye contact with the random strangers you encounter. See what happens. You may be surprised; and you get that warm gushy feeling inside too. No kidding!

Show and Tell: Photographic Reflection

2010-01-06T01:33:00.008Z

First of all, I'm very happy with the new digs. I'd love a place for a daily photo but am thinking the sidebars are too small and the place beneath the header too large. What do you think?

Ideas?

Anyway, Show and Tell.

In the frightening shadows of depression, I've found lovely glimmers of light. I've promised myself to hold on to them by delving into projects. One of the most important projects, aside from losing weight and getting healthy, is to keep up with my photography.

So with that in mind, I'm going to be doing a Photo of the Day. As mentioned above, I'm going to try and post them if I find a format that fits. I may just put them as a single post, I don't know just yet.

But here is a photo for you to consider:

Please stop by Mel's to see what the rest of the class is sharing...

Feeling...

2010-01-05T20:46:00.002Z

proud that I followed directions and finally added the left side-bar like I've been wanting to for ages.

Delurking Week

2010-01-05T04:26:00.002Z

What do you know? It's International Blog Delurking Week! I never hear about these things until they're over, but lucky for me, I found out that it starts today. So.. January 4-10, 2010, is your chance to say hi if you haven't before (or even if you have). Leave a comment, let me know you're here, tell me what you think of my new space (suggestions welcome) or tell me what's on you mind. If you've got a blog, leave your url and I'll make a visit myself.

Cheers!

Too Many Things to Do, Not Enough Time

2010-01-04T16:57:00.002Z

Changes are coming to this Blog. Mostly small things, but if I can figure it out, you may go "WOW". Maybe.

Day 4 on Lyrica. Had a story about it I was writing but got interrupted so many times I figured I may as well stop and continue with something else. The short of it is that I'm still very groggy in the morning and trying to be patient while I wait for things to take effect. And a note: 3:30 baby wake-up call does not mix well with a med that helps your sleep.

Meanwhile Bean is having a difficult day which means I am having a difficult day. Pretty sure it's a growth spurt but then again, who knows- babies are conundrums.

Day One

2010-01-02T06:43:00.004Z

Happy New Year and welcome to 2010!

I started this year curled in bed reading a book. We finished a movie last night about 15 minutes before midnight and crawled into bed. Bean had gone to sleep at 10:30 after her bedtime feed.

She didn't wake up till 8:30am! I took the Lyrica last night which helps with sleep so I slept right through until R woke up at 8am. I didn't crawl out of bed until 9am, mostly because the one side effect I usually get with these kinds of meds is grogginess. I felt like my body was numb for a good hour and a half. How I'll manage feeding a baby like this I don't know but I'm thinking I'll just have to push myself through it. And make sure I get my shower and coffe. Everything seems better after a hot shower and caffeine.

The only other side effect so far is a mild dry mouth. Not a big deal. It's too soon to know if it's actually doing anything. I'm a little achy this evening but then again it could have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the house and cooked dinner for friends who came over tonight.

R said from the kitchen as we were cleaning up after they left that we should do this more often. I agreed; partly because I enjoyed people's company and lovely food but also because it forced us to clean the apartment. Don't ask how long it's been since we vaccumed...

So we did end up getting a Wii yesterday. It took two phone calls to me and several stores to find it in stock but we have one. Today I tried to get a Wii Fit but no luck, all sold out. Though, I only looked one place since I have gift cards for there. We're going to check out one of the other stores this weekend and cross our fingers they have one. A Wii Fit is an absolute must. For me, it's the only way I can get in a workout and not worry about the baby. I can use it while she's sleeping and if she wakes up then I can come back to it later. So much easier than packing her up in the car seat and taking her downstairs to the gym in our building and hoping she lets me do what I need to. Methinks that wouldn't go so well. For now I'm enjoying tennis and bowling and baseball. But I get fully into it and use my whole body. After a few minutes I can already tell it's doing something and that my body is working. I also have a new pair of running shoes we bought back in November. I broke them in a little over Christmas when we were away. I'm looking forward to doing more- it felt great.

So here we are. It's a brand new year, full of potential and hope. My friend Claire and I always come up with a new motto each New Year's to set the tone for the year to come. I talked to a short while ago and she came across something she thought would work well, which I quite like. It's a no pressure sort of deal but still working towards something. So here we go...

"2010: Not trying to be perfect, just a little better."

Now to check out The Creme de la Creme list... (see my sidebar if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

It Is What It Is

2009-12-31T20:43:00.006Z

I apologize in advance for what is sure to be a rambling ADD riddled post. After a week away, can you blame me? And you never know, this make take more than one post.

We got home Tuesday. I was never so glad to have my own bed and get our Bean back on a routine. Silly person that I am, I thought that having our own space agaon would be good. I am an idiot. Back into said routine, I'm trying to keep myself together and write without crying. I very nearly want to call my dear husband and tell him to come home. He's at the Library working on his Thesis. And I need him to work on his thesis so he can get a job so we don't end up homeless and begging on the street for money to buy formula and diapers. And besides, if we're lucky, R will be able to find a Wii on sale- if they're not all sold out.

Speaking of formula, Baby Girl is eating her third meal of the day. I swear she just ate and went down for a nap. We paused for a diaper change, I LOVE diaper changes!! I know, I'm nuts. But it's these moments when we're face-to-face and I have her undivided attention. She listens to whoever is talking to her and begins grinning like an idiot. She smiles like her Daddy and her Grandpa (my Dad)- right into her eyes. It melts not just my heart but every part of me.

As I was changing her just now she stared into my eyes smiling. I burst into tears. At the beginning of this post I had convinced myself that I could hold out, that I didn't need the medication. Staring at her, soaking up all her sweetness, I know I have to- for her, for R and for myself. The fibro is slight, the PPD deafening in it's roar. They feed off each other. I need to break the cycle.

So here we are on the eve of a new year. I will start it having had my heart full with more joy than I thought possible. And I will start it trying to fix the things that have gone wrong in my body and my mind.

I feel a bit like a failure by needing the meds. And you don't have to say it, I know there's nohting wrong with medication if you need it -I've heard it all. Right now this is how I feel. I'll get over it.

So I wish you a Happy New Year. I have much to catch you up on and much catching up to do myself. But tonight, I am going to curl up with my incredible husband and my baby. We're going to read a bedtime story to our dear girl, put her to bed and watch a movie (or play Wii if we're lucky).

And then I will take the step I need to to fix this.

See you in 2010.

The Anti-Scrooge

2009-12-25T04:24:00.004Z

People can still surprise me.

I'm at my in-laws place for Christmas. My MIL and I run to the store to pick up a few things because I was going to make fudge tonight and dinner on Monday (mmm, Tagine). We had to run to a second store because the first was all out of the mini marshmallows needed to make the fudge. The second store didn't have it either so I opted for regular marshmallows and would cut them up.

I get in line to pay for them and put them behind the items for the guy in front of me. He looks at me, grabs the marshmallows and puts them with his order. He says that he'll grab them for me. I said I had change but he said not to worry about it, so I said okay, and thanked him for being so generous. They only costed $1.39 but it was the point that counts here.

An elderly lady gets in line behind us and puts her few items up on the conveyor belt. He looks at the cashier and asks how much she thinks her items costed. She said about $25.oo. He motions to her items and says, "these ones too". The elderly woman looked very confused at first but when he explained that he would pay for her groceries, well, you should have seen the look on her face. She gave him this big hug and even kissed him on the cheek. He laughed and then frantically rubbed his cheek to remove the bright red lipstick away. He asked us if he had gotten it all off and sure enough he did. I could just picture him going home to a wife or girlfriend and what would have happened if he didn't get it all off.

He wished us a Merry Christmas and there was a round of hugs. I think we all had a bounce to our step as we left.

I don't even think I bothered to put on my gloves. I didn't even notice the minus 5 degree Celsius chill.

It's nice to know that simple generosity still exists. I do wonder though, was it a random act on his part or did he plan it? Did he leave for the store saying, I've got a little extra money, why don't I pay for someone's stuff? I'll never know and you know what? I don't think it matters.

Merry Christmas. May we all find a little generosity this holiday season- whether financially or just in love and friendship.

Peace to all.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-22T17:30:00.003Z

If I look out my window, I can't see anything for the bank of fog that has descended into my neighborhood. I'll pretend it's snow for the Holidays. Not that I want the headache of trying to fly out through snow but maybe it would make me feel more Christmasy.

We leave tomorrow to spend a week with R's family. I am looking forward to it, but...

I feel like I have to put on a smile and enjoy things, even if I'm not up for it. Perhaps it's a suck it up situation.

In any case I'll be back on the 29th. I'm wishing everyone a lovely Holiday, if you're celebrating, and if you're not, I wish you well.

See you in a week! Now since I better go pack, I leave you with a photo of good tidings...

Perfect Moment Mondays: Glimmers for Soltice

2009-12-21T23:20:00.003Z

I've long seen people's Perfect Moment Monday posts but this is the first time I've joined in. It's another way for me to force myself out of my Post-Partum Depression shell and engage in the world around me.

It's ironic that the day that is supposed to be the shortest (and therefore have more darkness) has bursted with light. It's a cloudy dark day that started out with dreary with rain and just now has a sun bursting over the sliver of ocean visible from my apartment ocean, lighting it up. I tried capturing it with my camera but I don't have a long enough lense to capture the sight I'm witnessing. Perhaps that's just as well.

So that is one Perfect Moment today. I was reminded of how the light can overcome the darkness.

A second moment came from my friend D who came for a visit today. He came with small gifts- vitamins (to help with the PPD), coffee and a hug. He also watched Bean while I had a shower, which I hadn't had a chance to do as Bean had been awake off and on all morning and had just finally fallen asleep.

Another moment came last night. Bean was wide awake after her bedtime feed (an unusual occurrence). So R decided to read her a bedtime story as I cuddled her in our bed. Picture the three of us curled up reading Dr. Suess. It was a balm on my saddened heart.

Stop by here to see the Perfect Moments for this week...

Nothing a Glass of Wine and Sleep Couldn't Help a Little

2009-12-20T17:16:00.004Z

So Friday night resulted in little sleep. After going back to bed , I lay awake for what seemed like forever. My dear husband decided that this was a good time to discuss something. Really, I just wanted to shut off my brain and sleep. I was tired. It wasn't the most productive conversation but it wasn't awful either. The last time I looked at the clock it was 3 am.

Baby woke up at 6:30. Husband got up to feed her. I crawled out of bed at 8:30 feeling numb. I then proceeded to get ready for the day and do something I loathe...

Christmas shopping at the mall in the week before Christmas.

It could have been worse. I did go by myself which allowed far more freedom in the crowds. But you should have seen it! A mall with over 400 stores can pack an insane amount of people in. The line-up at the bookstore was unbelievably long but the sales clerk in charge of the line-up was lovely. He made my day with his sense of humour. He told everyone that the line-up was only 7 minutes long. Someone asked him if he had timed it which he said that he actually did. He then proceeded to "bribe" us by passing out candy canes.

It was such a simple thing and it made my day. No one was shoving, stamping their foot or being generally irritable. A big difference from the Star.bucks line-up where I very nearly took off the head of the girl behind me because she decided that her huge designer purse required more space than she had in line and every time she moved she banged me with it. I almost became one of those grouchy people muttering under their breath, cursing the holidays.

Almost, but I restrained myself and took a couple deep breaths.

Last night I did something I wasn't sure I could... I went to a Chirstmas party. Hubby's co-worker and his wife were throwing an appys and drinks shindig and invited us out. So we went, baby in tow. There's nothing more amusing than meeting people and having them introduce themselves to the baby first and then the parents. People often apologize but I'm used to it by now so really don't think anything of it.

I knew several people there but it was hard for me. Normally, I could walk into a room of hundreds of people and mingle no problem. But these days a party of 20 people has me anxious. I get claustrophobic in small spaces right now. So most of the time, I sat in the Living Room by the fire and talked to people as they circulated. Sometimes I had the baby, other times she was circulating with Daddy. I should point out also that our lovely host came around and offered to fill my wine glass from time to time.

Two and half glasses later... I was really glad I only had the half glass and not a full third. Mildly drunk I changed Bean's diaper and got her dressed in her pajamas. She had had about enough of the loud place and strange people. She had been awesome (as she usually is) but after awhile, her tolerance dwindles. She was tired and needed to have herself a good cry. I didn't blame her, Mamma understood. So I took her to a quiet room, covered her with her blanket and rocked her to sleep. It's about the only time we will do this since she normally puts herself to sleep. We left soon after she settled down.

We all slept like babies last night. ;)

I think the hardest thing about last night was enduring the regular bout of questions... "How's Motherhood? Are you enjoying being at home? Getting more sleep these days? Are you breastfeeding" The funny thing is I really don't think people want to hear the real answer; they just ask the questions because it's convention. And let's not discuss what happens if you tell them something that is outside their comfort zone.

One woman there was a younger Mom like myself. She had an eighteen month old. She was really nice to talk to and refreshingly didn't try to give me every piece of advice that exists under the sun. While I didn't get into the PPD and I think she could sense I was a little bit "off" and was really sweet about it. She didn't push and let me say as much or as little as I felt. Her daughter was really cute as well and really interested in everything around her. I would look at her and then glance at Bean and try to imagine my little girl that big. Just can't quite do it yet.

I know, I know, they grow so fast, time passes so quickly, blah blah blah. Let me just enjoy her as she is right now. It's a hard enough to do that one simple thing some days, let's not force time to get away from me. I want to just soak up her new smiles and let them heal what seems to be somewhat broken. Here's one of those precious smiles...

Only in the Wee Hours

2009-12-19T08:42:00.004Z

The TV options available after midnight are limited. You've got a Late Show and then often a Late, Late Show. Which is silly really, since they all seem on time to me...

I know, I know, groan. Sorry about that. Occupational hazard of being married to a man who can spit out puns as easily as he breathes. After over 6 years together, it was bound to rub off eventually. Now where was I? Oh yes, TV.

I have to say that TV at the turn of the day is infinitely better than when I was usually getting up for a night feed: 3 am. At this time, most of the channels go off the air or have "Paid Programming" selling some ridiculous items that people really don't ne... oh wait, are you serious? You mean that gizmo, will give bottles AND change a diaper? I better write down that phone number. Wait no, I haven't gotten that phone number down yet!

Damn it! Oh well, maybe next time. But with my luck, it'll be yet another food chopper/mincer/slicer/knife sharpener/cutting board and storage contraption for only 3 easy payments of $19.99. Like I said, not much on at that time if the morning.

This particular morning sees the wife getting up instead of the husband because of course, she's been listening to the baby wake up for the last five minutes and knowing that the bottle in the fridge will take a few minutes to warm up, someone should get up NOW to place said bottle in hot water so that it's ready BEFORE the baby gets into a her "I'm so hungry, I'm going to perish" cry (which is a good one if you ask me). Anyway, so the wife gets up because her husband half asleep says he's not sure if he can get up, and promptly continues sleeping through Baby Girl's noises.

So the wife gets up, only mildly irritated at the whole exchange since she's now wide awake due to accidentally making regular coffee instead of decaf early that evening and drank it anyway since it's a crime to waste such a precious liquid that is coffee.

Stay tuned to see what time the wife actually gets back asleep and if the baby decides to sleep too. There are fair odds in her favour since the bout of hiccups that ensued while this was being written is over and Baby Girl is once again working on the last of her bottle.

Wish her luck...

Within Reach

2009-12-19T05:23:00.006Z

A photo for the place in between...

We Have a Winner!

2009-12-18T05:25:00.002Z

So the deadline for my contest came and went. I pretty much forgot about it- go figure.

BUT, we do have a winner. The lucky blogger is Mrs. Spock!! I submitted her suggestion for my Creme de la Creme post a day before the deadline. Whew, made it. So I'll be contacting her about her prize and she can share what it is when she gets it. :)