This blog is no longer being updated, but if you like what you see here, be sure to join me over at Life Pared Down!

Friday, June 26, 2009

24 Weeks, 6 Months

So my last post was my 300th post. Kinda shocked me.
We saw Bean today in 3D. And confirmed she's a girl. No boy parts. :)

"Look Ma, I can touch my toes!"

Thursday, June 25, 2009

One Step at a Time

Well I survived. It's Wednesday and I'm still exhausted. The craziness doesn't necessarily end now that this event is over (I start working on another one soon enough), but at least it's not keeping me up at night or giving me panic attacks.

I'm counting down the days (4 work days) till I'm on vacation. We're not going to far, just for a long weekend (4 days) to visit some family. But then I get 6 days at home to do whatever the h*ll I want to. There are some friends I want to catch up with, a disaster of an apartment to clean and tidy (and make room for a certain little one), oh, and did I mention some serious beach bumming? Yes, I plan to relax with some good books and carefully (with high spf) catch some rays.

When I come go back to work, depending on Bean, I'll have only 8-10 weeks till I go on mat leave. I'm hoping to make it to Oct.1 but I also recognize that it may be Sept.15. We'll see how things go.

But 8-10 weeks isn't much time to get my sh*t together, finish projects and get things ready for my replacement. It's a little scary how fast time is going by.

On top of, oh you know, getting ready to bring a child into this world, dh and I are trying to prepare ourselves for the other huge changes that could/will come our way in a mere 6 months. Dh is writing his PhD thesis. When he's done, so is his experiment. Then he'll have to look for a post-doctoral job. Yep, no potential stress there...

One step at a time of course, but there are so many changes that will come our way. We're just trying to take it a month at a time, but I'm a planner. I need to look ahead and prepare myself for many different possibilities.

It's just overwhelming when you put everything into perspective.

On a happy note, we're going for our 3D u/s tomorrow. I'll be 24 weeks (6 months!!!), so you know what that means... belly pic time. And show and tell...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Moving and a shakin'!

My event is tomorrow. I worked 11 hours on Friday and had to go in today (ugh) for 6 1/2. Tomorrow will be a 14 hour day. But I'm not as stressed. I feel somewhat in control even if there is still a lot to do first thing in the morning.

Dh sings in a barbershop chorus and quartet. Last night they had a cabaret. Bean is responding to music. Now I'm playing different things on my laptop (speakers point right at my belly).

Bean likes Simon & Garfunkel, David Gray, Dave Matthew, Coldplay and the Fray.
She's got good taste.

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Straw that Broke...

I broke.


One last stress trigger. I just couldn't take anymore.

Tears streamed down my face as I hid out in the ladies bathroom.


A smile graced my face.

More tears but slightly different ones mixed in...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Show and Tell: In Search of Happiness

This week's S&T is about my need to slow down, stop stressing over things I can't control and focus on what's important.

I love The Fray. It just has to be said. They have amazing melodies and stunning lyrics. But this song takes the cake. Go ahead and have a listen and if you need them, the lyrics follow.

You may want to keep a tissue handy...


Happiness- The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home

Home, home, home

This songs grips my heart each and every time I listen to it. Almost every single line speaks to me. I really think you could apply this song to any situation in your life.

Breath. Absorb it. It's that good.

Don't forget to stop by Mel's and check out rest of the class is showing...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

How Much More?

Seven days. I can handle that, right? RIGHT?!?

The event I'm coordinating is one week from today. Then I can have some of my sanity back. Maybe. I'm trying my best to draw boundaries and take care of myself (as everyone is wont to remind me) but most of my co-workers just don't understand the enormous pressure I'm under. I'm doing three, read 3, jobs, and I'm only one person with so many hours in the day. I promised myself when I got pregnant I wouldn't work overtime. As a salaried employee, I don't get overtime pay. So yes, I get work done but the price I pay in order to maintain my ability to do said workload is getting too high.

I'm stressed. I'm trying to remember to deep breathe and put everything into perspective, but really, that just scares the sh*t out of me. I'm on vacation from July 1-12. After that I have 8-10 weeks before my mat leave. That's it! So much to do and as usual, not enough time to do it in.

I'm trying to keep Bean as my priority. It's pretty hard to forget her when she's rolling around and kicking me. To answer your question Melissa, Bean resides fairly low most of the time and LOVES to sit on or kick my bladder. It's not helping the frequency of my bathroom visits. "People" say it gets better in your second trimester. Not for me. Between that and how often I have to go to the kitchen for food, I swear I spend half my day away from my desk. Not exactly helping the workload, but at least I have forced breaks.

Oh, and on a lighter note, I realized today that as my belly grows, I'm running out of room in front of my keyboard tray. It's fully extended. I'm not sure what possible solution there is because my arms are only so long.

Yes, every time I get caught up in other things in my life (namely, the stress of work), Bean brings me back to reality, in more ways than one.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

22 Weeks, 2 Days

This is me today. If another person asks if it might be twins, I think I might smack them. And I don't think I'd apologize. ;)

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Show and Tell: Reading Back

I have professed it before, I am a horrible journal keeper. Ironic considering I keep a prolific blog, no? But blogs are interactive. You communicate and people respond. Give and take. I like that more than writing randomly in a book to no one.

That being said, I have been compelled to write on occasion. Usually the days where my brain can't possible contain what I'm thinking and I need to get it out or go insane.

So the other night, I was reading through the pages of this beautiful journal my husband gave me. It's black leather. It was a Christmas gift in 2005. The funny thing is I had the same idea and got him a red leather one. ;)

I want to share with you an entry I wrote.
Reading through the few I wrote over a couple of years made me cry. Not sure if it's the hormones or the re-living of moments that were hard enough to bear at the time.
Here's an entry form Oct.23, 2007, 1 month and 1 day after I got married. I was still dealing with my fibromyalgia but it was getting better...
I'm 24 years old but I often feel like I have the body of an 84 or 94 year old. Quite the difference and yet, here I am, more than a year since my life was turned upside down.
A coworker (now retired) often told me, "It's the best years of your life kid, enjoy them!" On one hand, I agree with wise, slim and youthful retiree, but on the other hand, I hope she's wrong. I have so much to be grateful for, but... but, I want more.
More happiness, more joy, even more tears. I want each year of my life to get better and better, to live up to the bumper sticker picked out years ago by a friend from an English class that says "Destined to be an old woman with no regrets". On the sticker is a woman at the beach wearing a one piece suit and a floppy wide-brimmed hat, waving in a care-free "Mary Tyler Moore" moment.
I want to be her. The woman who lived and lived well. Who sucked up every horrible terrible moment, set them beside all the laughter and smiles and love, and declared her adventure of a life, equal and balanced. I want to be the one who at the end of her days, casually waves it all away like a dream and sends her spirit, her soul out into the energy of the Universe to be mixed, melded and dispersed with everyone else. To be everything and nothing all at the same time.
She is my idol, my dream. Not just a fanciful inspiration, but something to be sure of. One thing I can count on.
So that was my entry. A month later I would have a moment where I was SURE I was pregnant, only to find out I wasn't. We hadn't been trying at all. I really wasn't on our radar yet. But in that moment, everything changed. The desire to be a mother hit me so hard I could barely breath for the intensity of it. After a discussion with R, we agreed that when I was off my meds and in remission, we could try for a baby. I left school (which is a whole story unto itself) and went back to my job full-time (I had gone part-time to go back to school). In March 2008, I went off my meds and got the medical okay to try to concieve.
In the next 12 months I would be pregnant twice. A mother never.
Today is a different day. I will be a mother. And that woman standing on the beach, will also be me. I'm determined.
Now stop on by Mels' and see what the rest of the class is reflecting on...

Monday, June 08, 2009

Something New

I feel good that I'm mostly caught up on my blog reading. It's only taking how many weeks?

Just a random thought that occurred to me today. Here at 21 weeks, if I stand up straight and look down, I can no longer see my toes...

And yes, it is funny, so feel free to have a laugh...

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Show and Tell: An Artist's Inspiration

Well, thanks to Kristin, I have a topic for show and tell. She commented on the post before this one (Crazy Eights Meme) where I list list under things I'm looking forward to doing:

6. Unwrapping my blank canvas and getting messy with my paint.
She asked if I paint in watercolour or oil. Actually, it's neither. I'm an acrylic addict. I love that it dries fairly quickly. It gives you the ability to build layer upon layer, mixing and playing as you go along. And then there are mediums. The sheer number of different mediums you can mix into the paint is insane. And with them you can create the most amazing effects. I have so many things I want to try my little apartment is not big enough to hold the canvasses I will need.

A couple of years ago I finally settled into a style and method of painting that speaks to me. It's a physical process and a little messy. I often just drop paint right onto the canvas and go at it with pallet knives.

Before I show you a couple of samples of my art, I should explain how these particular pieces came into being.

The first is a dark piece. I painted it in the middle of a fibro flare-up. And it was a bad one. The depression, anxiety and panic attacks I had while in flare were awful. Going off meds and into remission not only allowed us to start trying for a baby, but it also gave me my life back. Seriously.

This first one is from when I was in flare. When I said they were dark periods in my life, I wasn't kidding. But oddly, I really like this one. It says so much and I keep finding new things in it every time I really look at it.

Then there is this next painting. I did this after I came out of a flare. It was a few months before our wedding and I was feeling truly happy. I've dubbed this one Joy. It's actually quite large and hangs on our living room wall.

So there you have it, my first true foray into soulful painting. Now go over to our class Gallery and see what everyone else is showing...

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Crazy Eights: A Meme

So I've been tagged...more than once. Figured it was about time I got down to responding:

The Rules:

1. Mention the person who tagged you. Thanks Mrs. Spock and Wiseguy

2. Complete the list of Eights.

3. Tag 8 other bloggers and tell them they've been tagged.

Eight things I'm looking forward to:

1. Motherhood.

2. Getting through the crazy month of June at work.

3. Our vacation in July.

4. Being a beach bum. :)

5. R finishing his PhD.

6. Unwrapping my blank canvas and getting messy with my paint.

7. Seeing the world in a different way through my viewfinder.

8. The future.

Eight things I did yesterday:

1. Ate food. Constantly.

2. Peed every 20- 30 minutes ( yes, tmi, but no, not really joking). That's what happens when the baby either sits on your bladder or kicks it.

3. Responded to a lot of emails.

4. Went for a walk at lunch.

5. Felt Bean move from the outside.

6. Got R to feel her too!

7. Walked to the video store with R and snagged the movie Get Smart for $5.59. Only made it through 45 minutes of it before I really needed to go to bed.

8. Finished reading the 5th Har.ry Po.tter book. On to #6. :)

Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Do a cross-Canada photographic road trip. Coast to Coast and the Territories too.

2. Show my art in a Gallery.

3. Play the guitar well. I started learning last summer and got side-tracked by the two miscarriages. Never really got going again.

4. Afford to buy our own place.

5. Speak a second language fluently. My french really doesn't count, but I can read a cereal box! ;)

6. Not get so stressed at work. So much easier said than done.

7. Make my friend's wedding on Oct.31. The hitch? I'm due on the 15th. (Sigh)

8. Take all the things I love to do and am good at and make a business out of it. Just have no idea what that business looks like.

Eight shows I watch:

1. Grey's Anatomy

2. Private Practice

3. Canadian/ American Idol

4. So You Think You Can Dance

5. Dancing with the Stars (yes, I like reality shows but only the contest ones that actually require skill of some kind)

6. America's/ Canada's Next Top Model

7. House

8. Star Trek (all incarnations but the original- it's just not my favourite)

Eight favourite fruits:

1. Watermelon

2. Pineapple

3. Strawberries

4. Grapes

5. Peaches

6. Blackberries

7. Raspberries

8. Blueberries

Eight places I'd love to travel: (Eight is not enough but it's a start)

1. The United Kingdom and Ireland

2. As above, all of Canada I haven't yet seen.

3. Italy

4. Moldova (place where my maternal great-grandparents emigrated from)

5. Australia and New Zealand

6. The Galapagos Islands

7. Eastern Africa (I have my whole route mapped out)

8. The New England States

Eight places I've lived: (only 5)

1. Chilliwack, BC

2. Petawawa, ON

3. Chalk River, ON

4. Victoria, BC

5. Vancouver, BC

People I've tagged:

I think a lot of people have already done this but Claire, Dave and anyone else who haven't yet done this, go for it... :)

Thursday, June 04, 2009

To hot to post...

Ugghh, it's 7pm right now and 30 degrees Celsius. I had been trying to post the meme I've been tagged on but it's too hot. Going to go have a cool bath...